13 years gambling - recovery starts here

I first started gambling 13 years ago when I was 18, it all started online on a well known bookmakers website, playing a minutely virtual lottery game for relatively low stakes, with a few decent wins of twenty to thirty quid I convinced myself that I had found a system and the stakes and time spent on the game grew higher.

Completely unaware that I had started what was to become the biggest problem of my life, I got my first credit card when i started university with a five hundred quid limit, one day in my room at uni I loaded the full 500 onto an online site and won, I can't remember how much but it was a lot of money at the time. That was it, addiction had kicked in, I didn't realise just how bad things were going to get over the next 13 years. I spent lots of time over the next 4 years at uni gambling my wages from my job, my student loan payments, the slowly increasing credit card limits that became available to me, somehow I managed to keep my head above water with wins here and there. In my third year I was working earning 13k a year on a placement year, my credit card limits went up because I was earning - 2500 I had available, by the end of the placement year that credit card was maxed out due to gambling, lots of wages had also been lost, there were wins as well but alarm bells started to ring within me that this wasn't right and things needed to stop. Did they stop ? No.

Another year in uni, final year, the gambling continued, struggling to make ends meet some weeks, but again managed to get through and keep my head above water.

I finish uni, I graduate with a 2:1, I then start a well paid job for my age, credit card limit goes up, gambling continues. One month I max myself out completely, blow my whole wage trying to recover the loss. Thats the first time i've felt physically sick as a result of gambling. I tell my girlfriend at the time what Ive done, she bails me out and gives me 1000, I promise her I'll never do it again. I stop then for several for months in fear of destroying my own finances, my relationship and fear of my family and friends finding out if I do it again.

More time passes on, and the gambling continues secretly, debt slowly accruing. Im still only 22 years old at this point.

Now lets fast forward to today - a lot has happened in my life since I was 22, I have two children, I have driven nice cars, I have been on nice holidays, I have lived in some nice rented accommodation. I have been privileged to have chosen a good field to work in and have a well paid job. The whole time I have been secretly gambling myself into oblivion. Out of control. I am now around 20,000 in debt because of it.

I have a new partner who I have known for a long time, we have both had difficulties over the past few years with other relationships.

My new partner knows about my gambling because I told her about it last year at the beginning of our relationship. I told her and I told myself that I would stop, I attended GA meetings, I phoned GamCare, I went to the doctors to be referred to counselling, I was willing to try anything to stop this horrible cycle. I was trying hard, I was doing well, but deep down I wasn't ready to quit. I missed the buzz of the roulette ball landing in 16 or 36 and having ten quid on it. I missed the buzz of walking into a shop or casino with 200 quid and walking out with 800, sometimes more. Deep deep down I wasn't ready to quit. I had some wins and used my wages too to reduce my debt roughly by half.

The last few weeks and months I have been gambling, the last few weeks things have got out of control again, i have missed credit card payments. At the same time as I have been carrying out this irrational behaviour I have been telling the girl that I love that we are going to move in together later this year. Im finding it hard to sleep, juggling the figures around in my head, working out where I am , how much am I up or down, how much do I owe on this card and that card. how am I going to pay for this that and the other. Should I go and gamble this on this number to try and get out the cr**. Rational thinking has gone out the window, raw addiction and impulse are utterly horrible.

Thursday night I went into a casino after work and lost 250 quid. With finances majorly strained this panicked me so I got on the phone to a friend who knows about my problems , he happened to be in the area and came to meet me. We talked and then we went to visit some people from GA to try and get me some help. That night after GA I blew another 1000 online on 1 of only 2 sites that I haven't self excluded from.

The same night the girl I love is upset, she's feeling insecure about our relationship she tells me. I pretty much dismiss what she's saying, don't offer her any support and say goodnight to her.

Today (Friday) I wake up, and genuinely something has changed inside me. I feel ready to surrender. I feel ready to accept fully and properly that I have a problem. I tell myself that its not just my money I'm gambling with now, its my mental health, and its also my relationship with the girl I love. I tell her everything and I tell her that as of now she is having complete and open access to my bank accounts , credit card accounts, credit reports, whatever it takes. She supports me, she accepts what I have done, she doesn't shout at me, and that is the biggest comfort I could possibly have and is a better feeling than any win in any casino, shop or online site.

I am absolutely determined to leave this behind me now. The urge is still there today, but I have not gambled. I have thought long and hard about what I am risking, the stakes are too high now, not with money - with health and my relationship. Those two things mean way more to me than anything. So on Sunday I am going to sit down with my girlfriend - give her access to my bank account, give her my debit card, let her go and see the mess that has been created, and the full extent and frequency of my problem. I am going to walk into the shops i frequent and ban myself, I am going to walk into the casino I frequent and ban myself, and i am going to self exclude from the final two sites that I need to exclude with.

I am going to start attending GA again, I am going to leave this problem behind me and I am going to look after myself and those that are important to me, especially my girlfriend. And I am also going to try and help others and record every step of this journey on this website. There will be times when it gets hard, I know i am going to miss the wheel and have the urges I am under no illusion that this just going to fully go away because I've decided today Ive had enough, I know there will be times that I will drive to other towns and go in the shop and chuck whatever I have on the wheel. Something feels different this time and I really hope that this is it. My chance to show myself that I don't need this anymore and my change to make sure I keep hold of the girl and relationship that I love.