18TH JAN 2013 - Time to let go.

Thanks Blondie for your reply. i intend very much to stay strong and focused and after just setting my first 5 mini goals, one of these does include me being kind to myself (even if it is just in a very small way) for now anyway.

I need to get off here now as I am finding that If I spend too long (and yes, I think 7 hours is far too long just before bedtime)!!! I am starting to think that my gambling recovery could affect me more than I want it to if that makes sense? Anyway, I am going to sign off now, watch a little tv as a distraction and then climb into bed - I have been signed off work for the next four weeks (something personal) and due to this, my sleep patterns have been very erratic, but getting better gradually, hence the late nights.

Good night Blondie and speak soon.

hi feb thank you for your reply to my post every bit of support is needed in this fight alot of things that you have said made alot of sense to me ie direct debits ect sorry im not a bloke to write alot but hey thanks again kind regards steve

You are doing really well, Feb. In recovery, those first few weeks can be different for different people. I found I'd sabotaged my first few attempts and gave in, started gambling again and continued to do so. From that first couple of month of gambling back a couple of years ago, I wanted to stop but I was still in a sort of denial that went on and on. Then I found this place and despite slipping early on a couple of times I've found recovery like you have, a rather positive experience. Keep up the good work! It is a great thing to not be a slave to gambling. Remember that.

All the best

Alex

Hi FEB

I know what you mean about getting engrossed on here- I could read folk's experiences for hours.

I hope today's been a good one.

Irene

x

Thanks FEB

A wee prayer would be much appreciated x

He does live with me and the bank he's applied to is one I owe lots of money to (he doesn't know the mess I've got myself in)! Time will tell.......

No problem Irene. I will say a prayer for you both. I have got a 24 year old son. He is very intelligent but he has Aspbergers and so he can get very stressed about things. He does not know anything about my gambling wotsoever. He would be absolutely mortified if he knew the extent of this and the amount of debt I owe!!

He does not live with me, he lives just around the corner which is good as I am here to help him when he just needs that added help.

I practically brought my son up on my own and provided everything I could for him, even sending him and paying for him to attend private school. (he did get a scholarship but due to my income, I had to pay half towards it which was very expensive). Still, this is something I wanted to do and do not regret it for one minute.

What I am leading on to say is that my son has always seen me as this strong, independent, hard working woman who can sort everything when needed. Which is why he would be more than shocked if he knew the truth. He did know that I had some money problems a year or so ago as I actually asked him if I could borrow some money from him (from a payout from a claim he received) to get my overdraft back on track!! Can you just imagine my shame of having to do this?!! I think he was so shocked and surprised when I asked him this. Like I said, he has always seen me as hard working and being able to well support both myself and him with everything we both needed, nice holidays and breaks away, nice cars etc. I don't even have a car anymore!! I told my son that this was due to my insurance more than tripling in the last two years. This in fact is the case and don't get me going with insurance but where I used to only pay £325 a couple of years ago, this time last year, they were asking me for just over £1000.00. Enough was enough I thought and so I sold my car. Guess what I did with most of the money....... Yes, that's right. I did have use of my boyfriend's cars and was insured on them so it wasn't too bad but we have just split up at Christmas so now I do not have any wheels. I am not too bothered to tell the truth as I love power walking and after turning 50 last October, I felt my fitness had gone down over the last year so the walking is great anyway. I thought it would be terrible getting round work but to be honest, I have really enjoyed just sitting on a bus, letting the world go by, reading or playing scrabble on my phone!! Let everyone else deal with the road rage I say Ha!

I have gone on haven't I!! Hopefully, it is because I am new to this and to begin with, maybe it's a case of pouring everything out.

Just before I go, I just wanted to add that I know that my son was my main trigger for my gambling to get out of control - he knows nothing about this of course but when he left university in his second year (he was diagnosed with Aspbergers at the same time) he was living in only what I can call a hovel. It was the absolute pits. As a mother who had always looked after him and cared for him, this just broke my heart. Whilst I thought it was good for him to live alone (for both our sakes as we had fallen out over a few things and I think because at this point, neither me or him knew he had Aspbergers. I had quite a few thousand in my bank and had had the odd gamble here and there - winning quite a large amount during this time. I thought to myself, maybe I can win some more money to try to set him up in a better place and maybe pay his rent for the first 12 months. The rest as i'm sure you will know is history.

So in a way, I was trying to help someone else but ended up in this terrible mess as the gambling took the worst hold ever. My son knows absolutely nothing about me trying to do this for him. I did discuss this at counselling last week at my online skype session with Gamcare and I think we will be touching up on it again.

Sorry again for the long post Irene. Hope you don't mind!!

Take care

It's another day, its another "NO" = 18 days.

Feeling a bit consumed by the world of gambling at the minute!! Not that I have any thoughts or urges of wanting to gamble or needing to but thinking rather, I have read so many posts and diaries that my mind just seems to be full to the brim of gambling, gambling gambling!! Going to try and set myself a certain time of the day for a certain period of time to dedicate myself to mine and other peoples diaries then hopefully switch off with something distracting like watching tv, reading the paper, playing my scrabble on my phone!!

I read recently a few distraction techniques, given by my counsellor to help you get off to sleep (I am off work at the moment for the next four weeks - personal). One of them was to count backwards from 300!! I thought to myself, why 300? but do you know what? It really does work!! My sleep patterns are a bit eratic at present, however, I have found that when I have tried counting back from 300, I have found myself drifting off when I have got to around to number 278!!! Have a go if you too are struggling getting off to sleep.

I also read on this forum that using numbers is also another good form of distraction. Well I have certainly been counting numbers today - I went round to my son's flat to wait for his new washing machine to arrive and be plumbed in. That it did. John Lewis very much kept to their word and were punctual as usual. However, low and behold, whilst I was in his bedroom, I heard one of the guys just say "oh right". I instantly thought "this washing machine is not going to be getting plumbed in". To cut a long story short, this was the case and after several phone conversations, I am now waiting for another connection date which hopefully, I will be informed of tomorrow.

Anyway, getting back to my numbers.... I decided to do something positive out of a bad situation. I thought I would go and sort out my son's washing. Well, I know he said he hadn't done any washing for a few weeks whilst waiting for this to arrive, however, I decided to start counting the number of pairs of dirty socks he had:

1,2,3,4,10,13,14,15,25,26,27,32,38,44,49,55 and still counting!!!!! Now I know that we have just got Christmas out of the way and men usually do get an abundance of socks as presents but please!!! I can only think that he must have just been buying himself more and more socks over the weeks until his washing machine arrived!! Then there were all the clothes!! I'm telling you, it's going to take at least 10 wash loads to complete this task, 5 of which will just be made up of socks!!!

Still, I am going to remain positive and tell myself that this was a really good distraction exercise. I am still positive about NEVER wanting to gamble again and have no urges to do so.

Signing off me and my friend Will (Power) and remaining of the "Bright Side of the Road".

Good night all.

Thanks for your posts everyone, much appreciated. x

It's another day, it's another "NO" (to gambling) = 19.

My life appears to be consumed with gambling (RECOVERY) at the moment. I have read so many posts and diaries!! I hope this is normal to feel this way? Still, also thinking about what it is going to be like when I get my next salary on 20th Feb and it won't be all gone after 6 hours of it hitting my account!!! Instead, I will see that my direct debit bills will have also been promptly paid on this day too so that will make me feel good.

One of my mini goals (as well as the above) was to treat myself. With this in mind, I have just booked to have an Elemis facial at Harvey Nics. No, I haven't won the lottery! - it was one of my 50th birthday presents from last October! I have been meaning to book for a while but thought that this would just be the perfect time to do so on payday (serves as my treat to myself, whilst actually costing me nothing)!! - It's a WIN, WIN situation.

Hope you are all doing what me and my friend Will (Power) are doing and keeping to that "Bright Side of the Road".

Bye for now and take care.

Hi Feb i am new to this, just wanted to thank you for posting in my diary. congratulations on reaching 19days. what an achievement.The facial sounds like a great present. All the best

Thanks Joe. Hope you are doing well. How are you finding it all?

Yes the facial should be good, I have had one before at the airport but that was a long time ago!! I am going to take full advantage of this gift and enjoy it. It has been so long since I have even been able to treat myself - something I was always able to do. I know some people say they "want a new me" but for me, I just want the "Old Me" back for once and for all. I have always been strong and determined, so why not now!! It will happen.

Stay strong and focused Joe and keep in touch.

Hey Feb!

What a fantastic gift-such a treat. I love a girly pampering.

Your life with your sounds similar to mine, not easy being a single parent- although I think the rewards are doubled 🙂

Like you, I always worked extra hard to provide well. Mines had his gf for 9 years-its about time he moved on lol.

You are doing really well and settling in nicely here!

Early night for me! Catch up soon.

Irene

x

Thanks Irene

Hope you sleep well and are nicely refreshed for tomorrow.

Speak soon and take care.x

Hi feb

Thank you so much for your post I will be visiting the docs tomorrow no matter what recovery for me is about moving forward, doing things differently, facing things that scare me instead of hiding behind gambling.

Gambling is everywhere isn't it and just because I gambled on one form and not another i am under no illusions that if I want to gamble I can, I have software on my laptop but I am currently on my daughters iPad which isn't protected, I could go and draw money out of the machine and go to an arcade. Blocks help me and protect me but willpower and a want to change also have to be strong. That's what I meant about I could gamble if I want to.

I hope that doesn't cause you any triggers etc, for me the 9 months free have changed the way I think about gambling and I am done hiding from life it's time to be strong and keep working through the reasons why I gambled .

Take care

Blondie xx

Thanks for your response Blondie, especially when you are not quite yourself.

It is strange but not sure if you have read my recent posts but after becomming consumed with gamgling, gambling, gambling diaries, a scary thought came into my head - "I have never ever been interested in casino, slots, bingo roulette etc" "What if I decide to do this"!!! Now that is very strange for me as I usually know exactly what I want. Last night, I told myself, to just accept these thoughts as thoughts only and remember my simple but very STRONG word - "NO".

Today thankfully, I feel very much different and less scarey about those thoughts and like I said, they were indeed just thoughts.

Getting back to the G.P. I had the best night's sleep I have had since Christmas last night and I do believe that is a mixture of signing up on here, going to see my G.P in relation to another matter and now receiving counselling as a consequence to this matter! Sleep is a big plus and keeps us going. As the saying goes "EMPTY SACKS WON'T STAND"

Well Blondie, I will end by telling you that I am now out of my teens and into my twenties from today!! Day 20 of: "It's another day, it's another "NO" (TO GAMBLING)!!! Happy Days!

Take care.x