18TH JAN 2013 - Time to let go.

DAY 20. "It's another day, it's another "NO" (to GAMBLING)"

Well, I am now out of my teens in my recovery and into my twenties - DAY 20 TO BE EXACT!!

I have had some worrying thoughts over the past few days however. I think this is due to me reading so many posts and diaries in the early stages of my recovery. I have read of the destruction that slots can bring to people -( as well as all forms of other gambling of course)!!

So my thoughts have been "What if I start using slots", "what if I start going to casinos"? (Something I have never used or been to, to gamble before)!!

DECISIONS, DECISIONS:

Reflecting back last night, I decided to tell myself that, these thoughts were indeed - "just THOUGHTS" I also told myself that I am going to continue to use my little powerful word I have adopted for my recovery - "NO"

Another decision I made last night upon my relection was this:

"I have decided that I am going to see my life as a book/novel. As we all know, books have chapters. One of those chapters in my book is called "GAMBLING". I have just got through that chapter - it has taken me much longer to get through than the other chapters and there were many parts of that chapter that caused me to lose my sense of identity, forget the person I was/used to be and lose my self control (or as I now like to call it - My friend Will (Power)!

I have just about got through that chapter now and I am ready to move on to the next. Both me and my friend Will (Power) will get through this book and look forward to reading the happy ending I know it has.

Bye for now and anybody reading - Stick to the "Bright side of the Road". Just like me and Will!! DAY 20.

It's important to remember that gambling is destructive when it's driven by compulsion. Most people still stuck in it don't see vicious cycle of Bet/gamble >> Lose money >> chase losses >> lose more money >> struggle >> panic >> wait >> work >> Payday!! = Bet/Gamble etc... They mainly stay in denial like we did for 2 years. We are aware now though. No longer in that denial. It's time for the next chapter. It's heading could be 'Recovery and return to life'.

Love reading your posts, Feb. You're real inspiration and will continue to be to a lot of other members here.

Just stay strong. Any other form of gambling whether it's Bingo, roulette, or poker can be just as damaging as virtual sports. You will be alright when these dark thoughts arise with that 'NO!' and Mr Will Power! Well done at Day 20! Now at Day 47, myself.

All the best,

Alex

Thanks Alex

How are you feeling at day 47? (and well done for that)!! Did you have any worrying thoughts in the early days?

I think I have already named my next chapter - it's going to be called: "BREATH". Breath is going to be all about letting go of GAMBLING and watching it float further and further away into the clouds and if those clouds become grey or black, then this chapter is going to tell me how to just breath through them until they become bright and shiny again.

We are both keeping strong and it feels good.

Take care and speak soon.

As ever, sticking to "The Bright side of the Road"!

Just becasue I am still up (off work at the min) and just becasue it sounds good, thought I would "note to self" - "It's another day, it's another "NO" (to gambling) = 21 Days or THREE WEEKS to be precise!!!

Bed time calling, after American Idol that is! Need some distraction to rest my mind from being on this site for the past 3 and a 1/2 hours!!! All good though.

Hi Feb

Just a quick 'hello'. Taking 5 mins at work for a gc 'fix'! 3weeks already-brill!

I think in the first few weeks I spent almost as much time on here as I did gambling-a much less harmful way to pass the time 🙂 I still pop on to read intermittantly throughout the day if I need to escape from real life!

Hope todays a good one for you

Irene

x

Thanks Irene

That's what I was thinking last night!! I thought "This is like it has been prior to pay day - sitting up late in isolation with the laptop on my knee, keeping me warm. Only difference was then, I would end up losing £500-£1500 at the very least!! This time, the only thing I am losing is a load of Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz's!!! That should change when I return to work in a month or so.

Take care and continue with your great plight in your abstinance.

Feb.x

P.s: Has your son heard anything yet? I did say a prayer for you both. I have said a few prayers now for some of my gamcare friends!!!

DAY 21 - "It's another day,

it's another "NO" (To GAMGLING)

Well Gamcare friends, in keeping to my 3rd mini goal on my list of 5 which is:-

To re-focus on something else - cooking and baking more (which I love and have let slip) and just a simple thing like taking a paper to bed.

I am just off for my power walk to Asda to buy my ingredients for the Lemon Drizzle Iced Maderia cake I am going to bake later for my nieces tomorrow, whilst listening to my tunes. Oh! and to buy my bedtime paper as well!!

Laters Gamcare friends.

Hi Feb,

Just to let you know as you asked about how I feel at Day 47, now 48...really good about myself is answer.

It has been trial and error.

I've quit loads of times during my two years of gambling, often deleting the software, then reinstalling it a week or two later. First of all I stuck to one gambling site then I signed up to a couple more and the problem became more apparent to me. I eventually self-excluded from the main one, which helped for a while but then I'd gamble just as much on the other two. To a point, my gambling did decrease last year but then in September/October I just went mad and managed to blow more money than I could afford too. Not much compared to many, but enough to make things difficult for me. In fact my worst month was January 2012, when I wish I would have stopped there and then. I blew 700-900 which was just madness in hindsight. I hear of people doing the same with thousands of pounds, but as a very low earner, that high a figure shows how driven by compulsion/addiction I was to just gamble and blow the lot.

Anyway, since finding the site after my October screw up, I had a couple of slips as I stupidly didn't want to let go of it... Gambling became my drug. I wanted another fix. I stopped myself both times from blowing all my money by remembering why I came here. I wanted to stop. I didn't want it in my life anymore. So...my last bet/gamble was on the 22nd December. That was it. I finally closed the door by self-excluding and put a block in place for online and it's worked so fair. I really do not want gambling anymore, which is my main motivator. It brought me nothing in return for the time and money wasted doing it, so being aware of that, why bother myself by gambling at all. I'm quite happy now to be bet/gamble free.

For me, if you have blocks in places, have self-excluded, stick around on the forum, have hobbies you can have in place, people around you who will help, you'll be able to get through it fine. The first couple of weeks are the worst, and you're past those now.

A good idea could be to remember back to that first night or whenever you gambled. Gambling like any addiction is partly escapism. What led to the gambling, initially? Would you go back and do the same and have the same painful feeling of guilt following losses, again? No. And you won't gamble again for that reason, I hope. One last more bet is never the case, just remember that should the urges trouble you.

You're doing fantastic and should be proud of yourself for getting to day 21. It'll be Day 365 before you know it, no sweat!

All the best

Alex

Hi Alex. Thanks for your post. Have you ever posted something quite long on here and then all of a sudden something comes up and you end up losing what you have just typed? Well that has just happened to me!!! All I can say is that it is a good job that I am such a quick typist!!

Anyway what I was saying before it all went within a blink of an eye is that I will remember your last (hopefully) gambling day - 22nd December 2012 me and my family were all celebrating my mum's 85th Birthday!!

Like I have said before, I just want to get back to the woman I used to be before my gambling days almost 3 years ago. It seems so long since I have even been able to buy for myself, the most basic of things. During this time, I was lucky to be with my partner,(who was very well off) well, for just over 2 years of this time just up until last Boxing Day when we split up. He paid for everything while I was with him and for luxurious treats, which I was most grateful for. I did not live with him however and so still had my mortgage and bills to pay. He did not know about my gambling however. I did not tell him what my problem was for two reasons:

1. I have always been a very proud person and so just could not tell him. I did think about it at one point and thought I might as I do not like lying to anyone at all.

2. We were talking one day about his parents who had passed away. He had taken me to where his parents had lived and showed me the lovely house his parents were going to buy many years ago but they ended up not getting it. when I asked why, he said "because my father was a terrible gambler"!!! Well, once I heard this, I thought, I just could not tell him. The most bizarre thing about it was that he is a very successful businessman in the Casino Industry and just in the last year, had also branched out doing really well in hundreds of betting offices in the UK!!!!! Unbelievable isn't it!!

Anyway enough of that. As we know, the past is the past as nice as it was at the time, there were things I did not like about the relationship and for me, it just goes to show that no matter how much money someone has, it doesn't always mean that it brings about happiness. You have only got to look at lots of footballers, artists, celebrities to see that alot of them have loads of money but often, never seem to be happy or content.

Well just to end, at this moment, I am just very content to think that my next salary will" BELONG TO ME" and the one after that and the one after that - just like your's will be.

Sorry for the novel of a post Alex - perhaps I am making the most of it before my internet is suspended on 11th until 20th Feb!!!

Bye for now and take care.

As I'm still up and it's past midnight (again)!! I am going to say:

"It's another day, it's another "NO" (to GAMBLING)" = 22 Days.

Simple As!!!

Hi Feb,

Just wanted to say that I haven't had the best of starts giving up this time round but reading your diary (and others) has helped me get in the right frame of mind. Well done on your success and your amazing attitude. You've been a great help.

No problem anon.

It is all about being in the right frame of mind and I am sorry that just recently, you haven't been. That happens to us all at times and it has certainly happened to me in the past few months of me trying to quit.

What did it for me were a few things:

Realising I could not go on loosing my hard earned salary month after month

Self excluding myself from all the major online betting sites and finally blocking my lap top with a secret password put in by my sister.

I hope it is not too long before you are back in that right frame of mind and ready to positively move on with avengance.

Take care and keep in touch.

Feb.

Hi Feb,

Thanks for the best wishes on my diary the other day and I hope you weren't too bored reading my diary, I go through spells of not having much to say :-).

I would like to congratulate you on how well you are doing 22 days is fantastic. You seem very level headed and I have noticed how supportive you are of others so well done.

x

"It's another day, it's another "NO" (to GAMBLING)" = 23 DAYS

Although I know it is the early morning of a new day, I already know I WILL NOT be gambling today - SIMPLE AS!!

Here"s to the rest of day 23!! Happy Days.

Hi Feb

Thanks for your message of support. Congrats on your 23 days gamble free.

I have been and will continue to keep track of your updates, and the positive support you have provided to others.

Keep those positive vibes going!