2010

hello jas, to be honest ive not read your 2009 diary ( but will ) good luck in 2010 just wanted to chip in that if theres a way to see your sis go for it best of luck , john.

Great post--took me ages to forget what was gone--tried to chase losses for 36 years!! Glad you are now only looking forward.

On a lighter note--5 sisters-are you one of the Nolans?

Sorry to hear about your sister's health worries but without wishing to sound horrible in any way it has given you something to concentrate your mind on as you now have the goal of being able to go away with her. Top work by your hubby too.

All the best

Stumper

Hi Jas,

Glad you have started another diary, it helps I think. Also easier for others to communicate with you.

Good incentive... the hols. 😉 Its important to set ourself achievable stages/goals to maintain our recovery. Rewarding ourselves for our efforts. Helps to confirm that we are walking on the right path with our recoveries.

Take care

Jackie

I don't know why I am circling this site...almost constantly...in fact it's getting on my nerves my obsession with reading stuff......no, it's actually doing my head in. So, don't bloody log on then but i just can't help myself.

Perhaps I'm bored...I know I am worried about my sister (she is a C.G) who has now got a P.C at home......yep...gambling from the comfort of her own home.......it makes me feel sick it really does. Perhaps that is why I'm on here like a stalker.

What is wrong with me. Why can't I be balanced for more than a few days at a time? P says he loves me because he doesn't know what he is going to wake up to, keeps the fire burning but I just want to be stable...I want a period of stability. I want to be satisfied with doing normal stuff instead of looking for crazy extremeness all the time.

Nite

jasmine lass. You dont have Obsession to this site. Nothing wrong with logging in all the time. It helps me. Would you rather it was other way round and you logging into gambing sites. Your doin a fantastic job lass and lookin out for your sister can be no easy task with your history. Keep posting lass. We can beat this evil habit.

Hi Jas

Ive worked out you have more diaries than adrian mole lol.I always said that i feel we should have some kind of insentive to work for with maybe a prize at the end.Well Jas sounds like P has given you that chance.Looking back on your other diaries he has been a great help to you.I know the money is meant to be for your 25th anniversary, but hey who needs money when you have gone through all the bad times and are still together. Take him up on his offer Jas. Hes not stupid. He knows you have to stay gamblefree for the offer to stand.Oh and Jas ive only been on this site for 3 months but if im on here posting daily in 3 years time gamblefree then i couldnt care less if it was an obsession i would count it as a victory.Besides there is people on here who need your help All the best Jeff.

Thanks W.P and Jeff :-))

I can't resist logging on and checking you all out. I like to see how everyone is doing. It's difficult being a gambling addict in recovery when you are all alone at home. When I come on here and read it's like I'm with kindred spirit who can relate to the stuff going on in my head.

Anyway..back to today. It's brrrrrrrrrrr freezing and starting to snow. I love the snow but I've had enough of it now. Plan to go out in a min to have our breakfast at Morrisons...bacon sarnie and a mug of milky coffee.

Egypt is still on the boil...I'm still thinking about it though as I don't feel worthy of having the money from P. I am still in punishment mode I suppose. We've had to loan against our home last year to pay off all my gambling s h i t and I still feel I don't deserve anything. There is time yet to book a holiday...when it's right...if it's right it will happen. P has just asked me to log onto the hotel website to check out the rooms...he is excited about going on holiday....God he works so hard...he deserves it.....even if I don't.

What else is going on in Jazzy's life? Everything is smooth at the moment.....our daughter is on her second "care" placement. She is looking after a lady with advanced dementure...my daughter is only 20 and I'm so proud of her, i really am...she had a turbulent teenager time and wow has she turned a corner. She plans to be a marie curie cancer nurse....my mother would have been so, so proud. Anyway, back to the dementure thing...my daughter has been ringing me for advice and support in dealing with this lady...she said something really lovely to me yesterday...Ma, I listen to everything you say to me as it always turns out right...how lovely is that.

Off to Morries before we get snowed in.

Love to all...Jas xx

Spooky--just read your last post whilst eating a bacon sarnie. Thanks for your comments on my diary.

Morning Jas,

First wanted to say thaks for your lovely post on my diary, if I have helped then thats great 🙂

Its snowing like mad here now in the midlands, we had some snow but escaped the worst of it until now despite the temperature being -9 brrrrrrrrrr.

I remeber being obsessed with logging on here dozens of times a day during my first year and fought with t like you.

Still as has been posted its more healthy than logging on a gaming site, dont analyse too much just go with the flo.

Like you my husband says he loves my unpredictability, apparently I am never boting cos he never knows whats coming next ( in a good way)

We are very lucky to have them Jas.

Have a good weekedn and keep warm.

Take care

love W xxxx

Happy Cold Sunday,

I have just been perusing and saw a post from Jeff on londonblokes diary. It was about ringing a gameshow from his mobile. It has brought back memories.

When I had my youngest..nearly 18 years ago now I was on maternity leave from work and I was watching daytime t.v. This morning with Richard and Judy. They had a daily competition to win cash. At first I would ring say once a week and not give it a thought and then this gradually increased and increased and increased...until it was a monster. I would be ringing the premium number on redial..time after time after time after time. Then when I went back to work I would record the programme so I could get the question and enter it. This continued for years when i come to think about it. Then I took voluntary redundancy and started training in healthcare. This obsession with calling preium rate comps was still, on reflection, a huge poblem. When my training was done and I was working self employed, mainly in patients homes I would hope and pray they would have the t.v on so I could get the question to the competition. If I was working in a care home i would purposely switch over the channel. There was by now an explosion of t.v programmes offering comps. I went into over drive and i was ringing, ringing ringing. lol...I am laughing at my madness.

I am going to share something with this forum now...then one day.....I entered for P to go onto a very big t.v show. I would rather not say which one....he got on the show...and got into the seat....he was on t.v and won a load of money. I did't go to support him but I knew what he had won. It was a huge sum and it should have changed our lives. But you know something I didn't realise that my frenzied calling of premium rate comps was an "actual problem" ...I was an addict. This win was fuel to my fire.

He came home with his cheque and I wrote a list of what we were going to do with the cash...we were going to have a big party, share, share, share and some new windows and perhaps a car too. P and I laughed when he said "God, i haven't won enough". The winning was euphoric but you know something guys I was still ringing those d**n premium rate numbers only it was manic. Now i know i wanted more, more, more...the adrenaline pumping, excitement. It was b l o o d y great. We shared loads of the money with our family. On reflection it was probably too much sharing..I know that sounds mean but I think we thought we were rockafella...total philanthrapists. Anyway that was all quite a few years ago and I so wished I had recognised that I had a gambling problem then...even now if we came into money again I know I am just not ready to be trusted 100%.

As for the premium rate number comps....I have barring on both my home phone and my mobile. I didn't really stand a chance of winning anyway as they have all been proven to be corrupt and have had to clean their acts up.

I'm glad I don't think about those comps anymore. You see for me I am an addict...in almost everything.....that's why I don't do the lotto because I would never be able to buy enough combinations! P even laughs when we are shopping as I have an addiction with my "store cupboard" it must have 20 plus bottles of bleach in it but at least I got something for my money.

Ahhh...that's done me good.

Happy Sunday....sky is full of snow here.

Love from Jas x

Hi Jas,

Looking back on yourself... our lives, its not until then, do we realise the familiar paths that were trodden. All seemed unrelated at the time... until now. The patterns I should imagine are similar for most people here... 'Addiction' in the making!

Jas... I had to laugh about the bleach... Same here girl ,only... wait for it... its Toilet roll in our house!! Jim just cant help himself when its on offer lol. It has caused many laughs with friends in our house upon finding them. We had to put them in the store room as the toilet was beginning to feel like a 'sound' room!

You are never alone with this 😉 lol

Jackie x

jasmine. . Thanks for posting on my diary. The only way to double your money comment made me chuckle. In fact most of your posts do. Keep up the good work lass.

I have started to watch more films since I stopped gambling. My brain is recovering.

It's worth it. Give up.

Nite...Jas xx

Enjoyed chatting with you tonight.

You can always find stillness within yourself Jas, you must know how to meditate from what you told me tonight. May help you feel close to your mother.

Maybe you feel the chaos is part of your personality, and you would lose some of yourself to settle into equanimity?

Can relate to your worries about your sis, but you will know that it has to come from her, the change. Keep yourself safe, beware of gambling talk being a trigger.

Anyway, I would love to hear about the retreat you went on, if you feel like sharing...

Take care,

f x

Ps - beautiful soul, takes one to know one 🙂