2019 - My Turning Point?

Thanks Alan ??

I’m glad to see you back amongst the forum mate. Thanks for your encouraging words. 

Almost 6 months into my 2019 target of turning my life around. The gambling thoughts are still there but the urges are non existent because there’s nothing I can do to act upon them. At a push I could go into a shop to bet but that really doesn’t appeal to me these days. It never did really. I was always an online gambler. 

Anyway, life feels good currently. I’m losing weight and feeling a lot healthier. I’m making sure I take in my 5 a day and I’m getting more sleep. It’s amazing how you forget to look after yourself during the haze of gambling. 

Well, I’ve had a bit of a Regi Blinker (stinker) today. 

I managed to lock my car keys in the boot of the car whilst out shopping this evening. Absolutely P***ing it down with rain all evening, I had to call the AA to get them to somehow break into my car, via the back window. After waiting for nearly an hour in the torrential rain, they arrived. They eventually got into the car, after an hour or so of trying, albeit damaging the mechanisms of the car window. So that won’t stay shut now, it could come loose at any opportunity. I’ll have to take it to the garage at some point over the next week. 

I was absolutely soaked through after standing in the rain for nearly two hours. 

Normally an evening like this, with the threat of a car bill looming would have tilted me and led me gamble. It would have really annoyed me. 

But tonight I felt something different. Disappointed, yes. P*ssed off, yes. But I was able to not dwell on the situation too much and just accept that whatever it’ll cost, I’ll have to pay for it. 

I think in the past I’ve always felt so guilty about my gambling secret, that I felt the pressure of more outgoings. But with nothing to hide these days, people know where my money is being spent. If they question it, I can show them every last penny from the last 6 months. 

I’ll be glad to see the back of today. 

It’s another day negotiated. A win for me.

 As Blackadder  once said                                                                                                                                                            "Who knew this morning when you woke the devil would turn up and puke in your kettle " ?. 

"Honest money being earned and honest money being spent " nothing wrong with that 🙂 

Hope you have a better day tomorrow Dan 🙂

Thanks Alan. Thankfully I’ve had a better few days. 

Today marks my 50th day (completely!) gamble free. 

I’m also making good progress on my weight loss. In 4 weeks I’ve gone from 12 Stone 9lbs to to 12 Stone 3lbs. I’m feeling much better for it and look better too. 

I’m planning a 5 mile run this afternoon to keep up the good work. 

Things are looking up. I’m also still currently debating whether to move house or not. I keep changing my mind about whether I want to move or not. So whilst I’m still unsure what to do, I’ll stay put. 

Almost half way through 2019. 6 months ago I couldn’t see a future where I would sort myself out and put myself in a good financial position. I’m happy with life. 

I do still get those urges to gamble but I try to think back to those dark days. Is it worth reliving those crushing defeats? Going to bed at night wondering how to cover your tracks in case somebody questioned where your money had gone. Or waking up in the morning and realising that the night before wasn’t just a dream. It really happened. 

No, I’m good. I’ll stick to what I currently have! ???

What I have noticed over the last 6 months is that my anxiety levels have crept up and I’m worrying over the stupidest things these days. Minor things that in the past I wouldn’t have given a second thought and that most people wouldn’t even think about. Such as making sure I don’t forget to get food out of the freezer. It sounds really stupid, I know!!! I have actually started to write down lots of notes in my phone about the stuff that I am worried about remembering to do. In case I forget. This includes things that I need to tell people (not even important things).

The only thing I can think it is linked to is the fact that I have spent the best part of 6 or 7 years worrying about my gambling and focusing solely on hiding my gambling tracks and covering any stories about lost money. I was always worrying about unexpected bills when I was gambling heavy. My only thing I thought about was gambling and anything gambling related. No other worries existed apart from anything to do with gambling.

Now that I don’t have those gambling worries, am I now trying to find things to replace my past gambling worries? Is my mind programmed to ‘worry’, so much so that I need to find things to worry about? Most of which I know are unnecessary worries. But it still doesn’t stop me from worrying about them. 

I was relaxing the other night on my sofa and it felt strange. I was totally at peace for a brief moment. But then I figured that there must be something I need to think about or worry about. It’s almost like I wasn’t allowing myself the luxury of peace and relaxation. 

Posted by: DeterminedDan

Is my mind programmed to ‘worry’, so much so that I need to find things to worry about?

Yes.

Had same problem... Discovered mindfulness, this has worked for me re the issue you have highlighted.

Like exercising though it needs regular attention - when I don't make the time to practice and refine my newly sought mindfulness skills (meditation, gratitude lists etc) then all the old habits start to resurface?

Be careful with this Dan - don't do what I did and live like this for years, thinking it is the norm or "well it's manageable to an extent, so I'll live with it"

Live shouldn't be "manageable" it should be bliss.

Check out some mindfulness things which I hope can set you on a path to nipping this in the bud ?

Thanks Signalman. 

I have tried various things, including some of the above mentioned that you listed. It’ll work for a couple of days and then I’ll slip back into my old habits. 

I worry about forgetting stuff and I have gotten into a habit of writing everything down, even things that don’t matter. These weren’t things I was writing down whilst I was gambling because that was all I was thinking about. Gambling. What to bet on, how to explain my losses etc.

But now I’m not an active gambler anymore, I’m free of those worries. So I’m possibly seeking other worries to feel more comfortable and at home with how I’ve previously felt over the years. 

I am making progress. I’m not quite as bad as I once was. But those anxieties are still there. Hopefully they’ll get phased out the longer I stay gamble free. 

It’s almost been 6 months now since I last engaged in problem gambling. 

Hi Dan

i think one of the things I would say is that would you care if you missed a birthday in the past.  Whereas now with gambling not being your priority you want to be a better person.  Also ask yourself worse case scenario if I forget this what’s the consequence?  If you forget something at supermarket it’s just another trip out.  If you forget to tell someone something unimportant you can text it or catch them next time but if unimportant why worry.

essentially are you worried about first world problems and if so let yourself off.  It’s ok to be forgetful.  Remembering not to gamble or put yourself at risk of gambling is the most important thing and you are doing that every day.  Give yourself some credit and a break 

Sarah x

Thanks Sarah, you’re exactly right. 

They are first world problems. I’m sure if I had something genuine to worry about then I would stop worrying about all the nonsense that I’m currently focused on. 

My mindset is programmed to ‘worry’ and I need to stop with all that and relax and enjoy life again. My life is back on track with regards to gambling and I’m extremely lucky that I don't even have any financial debts/worries from my past gambling. 

As you say, the consequences aren’t catastrophic. But I’ve always been known as Mr Reliable amongst friends and family and it’s possibly the fact that I’m putting myself under this pressure to make sure I stay this way.

Thanks for your messages, Sarah and signalman! It’s just what I wanted to hear and I’m glad that there are people out there that understand. It’s very hard to explain this kind of situation to people who’ve never really had this issue in the past. 

Another few days without gambling and another pay day reached. 

Going out with a friend tonight for something to eat. It’s wonderful to not have to feel guilty about outings like these. I have the money to do so, thanks to not wasting so many hundreds every month! 

Despite the recent anxieties I have been experiencing, life is generally good. I feel like I’m not hiding anything these days which is such a good feeling. My bank statements have been normal for almost 7 months now and I rarely think about gambling. 

If you’re just starting out your journey to a gamble free life, it DOES get easier.

What an awful last 24 hours I’ve experienced with food poisoning. I’m only just beginning to feel better, though I’ve not eaten anything for over 24 hours. It’s the first time I’ve been ill for nearly 3 years. 

All good on the gambling front though. Life continuing to get itself back on track and no thoughts/urges to gamble. I can’t believe how much these urges subside the longer you keep away from it.

65 days without a bet. But it’s been 6 months without parting of any money that’s over £5 in a week (in other words, I’ve not gambled on my own for 6 months!)  

Another 4 days into 2019 and still gamble free! 69 days totally gamble free. But no problem gambling since 30th Dec 2018. 

2 and a half weeks to go until my big holiday for the year. I cannot wait!

I can’t believe we’re now closer to this coming Christmas than the last one! It doesn’t seem a minute since we celebrated last Christmas/New Year. 

I’m really looking forward to celebrating this year, having had a successful 2019. I’ll be able to relax a lot more and totally enjoy the occasion with my family. 

Things do get better, everyone! The longer you stay away from gambling, life will begin to sort itself out. And best of all, you no longer rely on gambling. It starts to lose interest and therefore doesn’t control your life. I never saw the day that I’d lose interest in gambling, but it’s happened! 

2019 latest score:-

Dan 187- 0 Gambling ?

178 more points to play for this year! 

Holiday in 2 weeks! Exciting times. 

I went to the Next sale yesterday and got lots of holiday stuff and lots of stuff for my home. Money I wouldn’t have spent in the past because it would have gone towards my gambling.

72 days completely gamble free. 

189 days free from any problematic gambling.

76 days gamble free. I’m now starting to spend some money on my house. It’s something I’ve been putting off for a couple of years but now I’ve built up some savings, I would like to reward myself. 

This time next week I’ll be away on holiday which I’m very much looking forward to.

Am I in a better position than I was this time last year? Yes! Both in terms of mentally and financially. All avenues to gambling are firmly closed. The main one being GamStop. That has come and saved me really. Thanks to some careful planning over the last 6 months on my spending, I am in no worse position than I would have been if I’d not been gambling for the last 18 months. I just need to carry that on now.

I’ll probably not engage in the work football bets next season. I had absolutely no problem doing them as I was in full control as it wasn’t me placing the bets. I was simply handing over my stake to a colleague. It felt more like ‘fun’ than betting because I was participating with a lot of non betters too who wouldn't consider themselves to be gamblers.

However, I am now 79 days clear of ANY sort of gambling, work or otherwise, and I just want to continue that run for as long as possible. Firstly, I’d love to complete a whole year without parting with a single penny.