22/12/12 A new start

I do know from the past how unpredictable the feelings to gamble are- especially when verything

Is going so well, why would I want to ruin it.

The one mantra I currently use is: God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. I have learnt this off

By heart and call on it whenever I find things hard. I agree a plan is required when thoughts of gambling appear. At the moment writing this diary is helping me get through- although I will consider net line if my urges get almost uncontrollable. Thanks

So I had an argument today with my partner. It was a silly argument about what to do today. Anyway, I went off to the gym. Had a few thoughts/feelings about gambling, but nowhere near enough to start again. I know in the past I may have used this kind of argument to validate my gambling. I know now, I cannot do this, I must remain calm and find other ways to rid myself of anger.

I also checked our bank accounts, we will have around £24,000 in total left, plus next months wages before we complete. So I know how tight it will be for us to buy the flat when we need a deposit of £29,000. I'm thinking of borrowing on credit cards to find the rest of the deposit, then will consolidate it with a loan once we complete. I know how stressful the next few months are likely to be, but I know by gambling I will ruin any chance we have of owning our own place. I also worry if the sale falls through, I may turn to gambling as a release. I cannot do this. The previous losses have taught me this, plus the support from this forum. I am scared enough to know that if I do lose this money my life is as good as over. I must keep those horrible feelings of feeling almost sick after a gambling binge fresh in my mind. Day 5, still gamble free 🙂

Last night, I dreamt about gambling. I don't remember the exact details, although I think it involved playing roulette online. I felt really bad after and woke up sweating.

Today we went looking for TV's, Kitchen etc for our hopefully soon to be new flat. It was sometimes difficult knowing what I have previously wasted andhow much easier our finances would be if I had never gambled. However, during the day I had no real time to think about gambling -my mindset was still in the right place.

Just now at the gym I ordered train tickets online as we are visiting my family tomorrow. I had to pay by card. When paying, the feelings of when I previously gambled online, depositing thousands of pounds so easily came right back to me. It made me a little scared knowing how easy it would be to start gambling again. I didn't gamble, but I know those thoughts will always be there. I know this addiction will be long and I must keep reminding myself I have never beaten it, but things will get easier. I will have been gamble free a week tomorrow. It is a small first step, but I am so happy to say I have not gambled again today. Another thing I have noticed is how impatient I felt today. I don't know if it was this crowds of people when out shopping, but I felt myself getting irritated quickly. I feel like a different person, and do see the world differently, but I'm not sure if this is good or bad.

Anyway, good luck to everyone who has remained gamble free, and to others who are just starting there fight. I must keep going with this or else my life will end up being worthless.

Hi Ben!

Yay a week today for us both gamble free 😀

I know what you mean about paying for things online.. everytime I have to log into my online bank account it brings back the old feelings of logging in to tranfer money to gamble with. But I heard today it takes 28 days for routines and habits to be rewired so if we just think of them as just that an old routine that has expired and keep taking it one day at a time.

Thank you for choosing to tackle this if it wasn't for you and others on here I don't think I could have got past those first few days they were tough and I know more will be ahead of us but the strength we are finding on here will guide us. We can do it! xx

Another day gamble free. I feel I can beat this- I must make sure my sister gets better now. X

So I will finish the last 9 days of the year gamble free. I do know that I have a long way still to go, but I feel more content than I have in previous days. I can do this- I Know this time next year my finances will be in a much healthier state, my mind will be in a better place and my relationships will have improved- all due to not gambling.

First day of the year- I have been gamble free and feel good. I find myself becoming stressed and restless at times as mundane real life hits me, but I would take this over the way I felt 10 days ago easily. I must be an adult and face up to my problems, not ignore them. I will feel better mentally in the long run. I feel a sense of accomplishment that I haven't felt away from gambling, but feel slightly Sensitive without my escape from "real life". X

Another day gamble free. No need to say much more, have a lot going on at the moment with moving to a new flat. It is stressful but I am coping. I feel Without gambling I need to find a new focus and do something that gives me a sense of achievement.

My partner is away for the next day or 2, so the moment she left, the temptation to gamble was in my mind. I drank a fair bit of alcohol tonight as a stress relief, but managed not to gamble. Very occasional thoughts were made but I have come much further than that. I do feel a bit down without gambling to give me the potential for riches and escape from reality. But I relented and have finished another day gamble free. I still need to find a real purpose in life- but I guess that will come with time.

Ben you are doing so well!

Keep it up those urges are worst when alone! Just try to keep busy!

Soon you will realise how rich you actually are and how good reality is when you maintain a gamble free life!

Good luck and. Keep it up!

Yes, I am trying to keep as busy as possible. I did imagine going one off to the casino and putting £1,000 on each 5 squares of the blackjack table- risking £5,000. I imagined all the possibilities, what I would do. But the thought of losing was greater than if I won.

I have now gone 2 weeks gamble free, I have been gamble free for longer in the past. However, I feel this time it is different and I am so determined to remain gamble free in 2013 and beyond.Thanks for the support, I think writing this diary has Thus far helped me remain on the right track.

Hi there

So relate to feelings of mundane life and lack of that adrenalin surge and like you having many thoughts of 'escaping' into gambling however have found reading the diaries on here really helpful in focusing my motivation. I lost my partner of twenty years through gambling a couple of years ago and almost my family and home as well so please don't go there, you have so much to look forward to and the struggle will be worth it in the end.

Stay strong and take care

xxx

3 weeks gamble free.I have been very busy with work so have had few opportunities to gamble. I have had no real feelings about gambling,

Although I know I have still not beaten this and must not get overconfident.

During 2012, I tried or attempted to quit gambling on a number of ocassions. Here are a list of messages I wrote to myself on my phone notepad, to help me quit. None of them worked, I just hope this diary will help me stop for good.

21st April 2012 - From today Love your wife don't gamble

16th July 2012 - Okay, this time I will beat it. I promise, hardwork, love and happiness-no more. I am lucky to have number 1. I promise no more. My life can be perfect

8th August 2012 -almost yesterday-you are stronger

25TH September 2012- Okay, here we go again- please no

24th October 2012 - You will be fine - I promise

I lost £8000 in 2 days 29th-30th October

30th October 2012 - I'm in tears reading that last article. I don't want to let them down and the reason I won't tell them of my big mistake. I have said many times that if I gamble again I will myself. Honestly this time I am serious. I will make sure they are better without me. Ben- love your wife, love your child and make sure you never again. This is the final lesson. A hard lesson but the final 1. It is up 2 u how much it affects your life.Don't do it anymore. If you do u might as well end it. It will be better for everyone.

30th October - Ben, today u are stopping. I promise it is the best decision you will ever make-love your wife. She is clever, beautiful and special. You must do it for her and little 1. Work hard for them, and show them how good u are. Start from the bottom and work your way up. Xxxxxx

10th November 2012 - Another Friday evening, you relaxed and wanted to. On ****.com - you even deposited £1800 and cam close to playing. But you stopped gambling yourself this time for ....... I love them both so much. I must work hard for them. I wish as I get older I get more controlled and richer without gambling

I found I had been given a £12 bonus in my betting account casino. I turned it into £90 playing blackjack then withdrew the money

20th November - Okay yesterday you were given £12 as a temptation- do not fall into a vicious cycle again. I promise it will be worth it. Little 1. xxx

I some how rationalized that I would not gamble and then gamble in a years time a casino of 5% salary- crazy

24th November 2012 - It is the loss of control that stops you. In 365 days from today you can gamble 5% of salary made this year.

10th December - u lost it again tonite - stress with w and h. Don't lose everything. Well done for stopping now

10th December - don't feel 2 bad - as long as you learn from mistakes

11th December - As time changes you become a different person

12th December - Another set back - stress gets to you, but still just enough control Remember your ... and little 1

12th December - the moment you think you have beaten it- it comes back to beat you. It's not the money that is important

I had an argument with my partner about a seperate issue and went to a casino till 5am

16th December - Worst 2 days of my life - why do you do it? No more alcohol no more gambling, you can survive this, but you need help

16th December - I love .... and little 1 - more than anything else. Please give me a chance

19th December - This time? Forever xxx

23rd December - God grant me serenity

Since that day, I have not written any more notepad messages on my phone as it was just not working. I can now delete those and move on from a difficult 2012, I am determined to make a success of 2013 and one way I can achieve that is by not gambling.

I make that 26 days gamble free. It feels pretty good. I have a tight few days while we buy a new flat, it is a little stressful but I pray it goes through soon. I have to wait for my pay to go through to afford all the costs which is the result of gambling. I have to keep telling myself everything will be fine- and I know gambling will not help the stress.

No thoughts of gambling, although reading other diaries I know I can't get complacent x