22/12/12 A new start

Okay, so tomorrow is the birth of my daughter. My wife has to be induced, so that will happen tomorrow morning. I have felt very strange today - I wasn't working, so had a lot of time to think. I guess that is not always great. Anyway, I have felt more open to gambling than I have previously. I know I won't, however, I guess the stress of everything sometimes makes everything seem so pointless. We should also, complete on our flat next week - although I am right at the limit to afford the deposit and all costs (more than a few overdrafts are funding the purchase- due to my previous reckless gambling). I know it is a busy time! Anyway - I thought I would check in to say 110 days gamble free. I am hopeful of the future...

My baby daughter was born a couple of days go- which was a somewhat surreal experience, and stressfull. But the main thing is that she is happy and healthy.

116 days gamble free. It has been relatively easy, I'm not sure the closest I have come- but I feel relatively In control. I have got to the stage where if I have the chance to bet or risk money without it being mine that kind of makes it okay. I haven't had the chance, but just the odd mcdonalds game, or my parents putting a bet on the Gtand national- I could separate that from my addiction - gambling online on football, casino etc. I must not get complacent and believe I have beaten this addiction because it will be there forever. But I am financially and mentally in a much better place. Not perfect, but getting better.

I have been so busy I haven't had time to write on here. It has been a stressful time- although we now have a new flat and the renovations are almost complete. I had to get a loan which finally came through today- so I feel relieved we can complete the work. I know we wouldn't have had these difficulties if I hadn't lost close to £10,000 just before Christmas- but I am happy to not be gambling at all and that may have been just the shock I needed to stop completely. I must now not get complacent and must move onto better things. Being gamble free has not been perfect and before we got the loan I was somewhat tempted to risk what money we had by gambling but I knew I must not go there ever again.

I used goggle to calculate how may days it had been since I had gambled. They made it 138 days which is a good first step. Since I stopped gambling, life has not always been easy. And I am by no means a perfect human. However, I have improved my self worth and have a positive outlook for the future- if I ever gamble again there is always a chance I could lose everything one day. God grant us serenity. Amen

Ben27

My friend if there was ever a couple of posts to build a fella's resolve, you put them in print right there.

A massive well done on putting your life and that of those around you in a better place.

It takes courage to address our faults, to right our wrongs. You should be proud as you are doing just that.

Keep making the right choice.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Thanks Duncan- it is always nice to get a response on how your doing. I must try (although i never seem to do) to comment on others progress although I know we all have different degrees of gambling financially whilst sharing similar feelings. I must say life feels much better gamble free- money worries still play a part in life but it is a different kind of feeling to when you have lost a large amount gambling in a matter of hours or minutes. I know that I can earn enough in 1 year to pay off all my loans/cards and still have a good lifestyle and have good equity in the flat we have bought in a nice area of London. The only thing that will stop this is if I was to return to gambling. Thus year has gone so fast and I haven't always had a purpose, however at the moment I feel areal achievement to be gamble free for almost 5 months. Best of luck to anyone who is attempting to beat this horrible addiction- you cando it if you really want to. If you can stop at 20-great. In some respects I'm glad I lost the money I did as I know now that life is not as easy as it seems, and you can quickly lose everything. Not knowing that and starting 20 years later aged 50 having worked hard all my life, maybe saving up 200k and losing that- I don't know if I could cone back from that. I must pray that I do not lose focus for a minute in my life or all you work for will disappear. X

Ben

recovery is bespoke and you my friend, keep doing what you are doing.

Abstain and maintain.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Happy to remain gamble free. a few difficulties and stress in my life although compared to the abject feeling of gambling it is

Nothing. I have lost count of days but it must be coming up to 6 months gamble free. I have too much stress already in my life to gamble- and I feel I am finally getting my life on track. It is somewhat scary that 1 'binge' of

Gamblin could lead me to lose everything.

I agree with you there Ben loosing everything would be easy. Loosing everything for something as compulsive gamblers we can't win.

Nowt as q***r as folk.

Stay strong.

196 days gamble free or over 6 months. Currently I feel very stressed. My wife Has become suspicious about our money problems- although the 1 bed flat we have bought for 170,000 in a nice area of London is now worth closer to 220,00. We are behind on a few bills. Our combined salary + Benefits etc means we should be saving money, however we still owe for the new kitchen, credit cards etc. I know we can pay our debts off (as long as I remain gamble free) she is asking why our account is paying out _£190 to an unknown direct debit. She wants a natwest credit card to pay for groceries even though I already have a card owing close to £2,000 which she doesn't know of. Part of me wants to admit the truth, however I don't want to admit my gambling ways- and being 6 months free I feel I would rather sort it out and admit my mistakes in 6 months time. Maybe even show her my gam diary. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not. However, I feel she knows I am in someday lying to her. X

Ben

Fella recovery is bespoke and you have to do what works for you.

Me I told my wife the whole shooting match, but in truth I had little choice, we were going to lose our house the following day!!!

We went to court and got a stay of execution from a compasionate judge, nearly 18 gamble free months on we are together reducing the debt I caused, I have an open to everyone approach to my addiction, I see it as the ultimate block.

My wife still controls the finances as well, which means another block in place. But as I say fella everyone is different, just dont try and answer any problems thrown your way with a punt and things will continue to improve.

My wife reads the forum regularly and even posted upon my thread on my 1yr anniversary, oh and to boot my mum started a thread recently on the supporters side, as she sees what recovery gifts us and wanted to give something back.

Keep up the good work.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

No gambling- no real urges. I know I need to be careful- as I am feeling quite content- sitting in the living room of our new flat having drank a couple of glasses of whisky.I know I won't gamble this time- I just got a very slight feeling tonight, although I owe a fair amount of money on overdraft cc etc.(10k) It is win paid back relatively quickly and I have 70k equity in our flat. I know the moment I feel comfortable about life this illness can come back and destroy everything.I know if everything goes to plan I could take home close to 3k next month. I must not get ahead of myself although I must have a plan for when I stop worrying about money problems as that is when I may believe I no longer have a problem. The feeling I felt in December is not as raw and although right now I know I won't gamble- I must not become snug and believe I have beaten it as that is when I could lose everything.

Hi Ben

Read your diary with interest, i stopped in November last year and lapsed 2 weeks ago suffering heavy losses ! Today was my first day again with a new diary, you are absolutely right, you can never ever let your guard down or be fooled into thinking you have kicked it. I can tell you the devil and its hell are waiting round the corner for all of us addicts ! 3 weeks ago i was the happiest and most content person alive, a lot like you and now i am back to being a quivering wreck ! perfectic isn't it. Well done for doing so well and great that you are so young and taking responsibilty for your addiction and actions. Wishing you well for the future Dark Place /

I will admit to reading other diaries and taking some pleasure/comfort that my situation is not as bad as others. Even reading articles about famous footballers losing hundreds of k's in a night of gambling makes me somehow feel better about my losses. Maybe at the end of the day it doesn't really matter. Maybe if I lose everything it will still be okay and work out fine in the end. Maybe I need to take risks to be successful. However, maybe just maybe the way I feel today is how life should be. It is not always fair and being nice does not always bring success. However, you must have self respect and believe in what you do. I would really love to go to a casino tonight, put my worries behind me and enjoy the rush, the glamour the feeling. But I know I won't, I must not because I have a beautiful daughter to support and I can make £35+an hour working so why should I quickly try to win what I cab work hard for. I know life is not fair and I am lucky in some respects to have had a decent education. I must now look forward to what I want to achieve in my life- I must show respect, but be curious and take any opportunities life gives me.

I am now 12 days away. From being 2/3 of the year gamble free. For anyone starting "recovery" u can beat it. Stay mentally strong and do not bet a penny not even lottery. I didnt get any blocks as I know I can always find a Way around it.