6 Years On: Facing Forwards

Cheers Jason,

Indeed... I've crept past that 50-day barrier (52 now I think). Feeling particularly aimless/demotivated this morning - but hey, it's Monday morning, what do I expect?!

My fiancee's been hassling me over the weekend. No, actually, 'hassling' is the wrong word; she's just reminded me a couple of times - that I got paid almost 2 weeks ago and I have some accessible funds in the bank that I should pass to her/someone else. She is completely right of course! I spent 2/3 months with 15k sat in the bank, and her telling me to make it in-accessible... I almost want the challenge of not using it, and feel degraded if I can't be trusted to look after it. But what happened? I gambled the lot (and much more) of course!

Now, it's just a case of £800 or £900 - and it's not really money (since I have a huge stack of debt). But I'll transfer it to her this evening... In fact, I'll do it right now.

Keep up the good work everyone!

D123

D123

My friend well done.

I have not pocessed a bank card for over a year now.

Something that has teased my brain many times, I laugh at myself when the thoughts come along.

The answer for me is simple, i don't need the challenge, my hard earnt can stay in the bank, there is such greater pleasure knowing i have money, its there to spend on living.

Not chasing pipe dreams.

The issue of trust will come,slowly i earn it back.

Most of all i trust myself to make the right choice, for me to have instant access to vast sums of money is something i continue to choose not to do.

Today i am sure you will be proud of your choice too.

Just for today enjoy your recovery.

After all you did something amazing.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks for the post on my diary and joining me on this journey.

All the best mate

We can do this

I am still new to this so just finding me feet

Cheers anyway for the post

Joe

Another few days passes comfortably gamble-free (55 now). 2 months will be good, although personally I'm not that into counting the days too exhaustively.

Duncan & Joseph - thanks for your contributions. As always, help and advice is appreciated. I'm working hard on 'facing forwards' without forgetting where I've been. Like many of you I am sure... I have a tendency to focus on the negatives - to think about all the things that are wrong with my life. There is great mileage however, in constantly reminding about the good things in my life. If I can keep reminding myself of these (great partner / good health / close family / football (!) etc. it DOES help to provide context. Also, however dis-satisfied I am with myself, making that comparison to where I was 2 months ago shows the progress that's already been made. Duncs - transferring that cash to my fiancee the other day felt like nothing, a tiny gesture that did little to alter my mood or self-worth. The reality is that it was an incredibly sensible & adult step - and a mature/responsible thing to do given the fact I will always be a compulsive gambler.

One thing I am keen to do more of... is to help/contribute to the recovery of others. As my counsellor mentioned to me the other day, places like this are a 'fellowship,' and people draw strength/self-worth from helping one another. My only reluctance is that whilst I want to HELP people, I'm conscious of the fact I am still very new and only 55 days off a bet. I do not want to sound patronising, or pontificate to anyone, as I know that can engender negative responses in people. So... if I comment on something in your diary - please feel free to ignore it! I am acutely aware that recovery is 'bespoke' and different things work for different people.

I am also considering starting with a GA '12 steps' meeting. Has anyone had experience of these? I have been to lots of standard GA-meetings but never a steps meeting. I think now it's important to make wholesale changes to my brain, and the way I view myself and life.

Anyway... I've rambled on there. Any advice on the above appreciated. Supporting everyone all the way

D123

Hi D123,

Well done on 55 days gamble free. I think it's good that you give the finances to your fiancee.

My wife knows about my gambling problem, and sometimes she gets worried if I am alone at the computer for too long of a time. It's a constant fear that we gamblers have inflicted on our family members, and the only cure is for us to help ourselves. The most difficult part is to accept that the money is gone, yes, there is so much that we can do with the money, but it's gone. The mind of a gambler will always be pestering to try and win it back. Hence, now I'll like to think that I've been robbed instead. The thought of chasing losses won't appear if we were actually robbed!

Thanks Jase,

It's a good way of thinking. The only way to move forwards is to truly accept that what's done is done - and the money we've lost has gone completely. We will never get it back (well, not through gambling in any case).

My partner is sometimes suspicious - when I have to stay a bit late at work / or am spending time on my laptop etc. This makes me frustrated - as I know I am doing well & progressing in recovery. But when I take a step back and view this in an adult way... I can't really complain. The barriers of trust and understanding can take a long time to re-build.

I only posted yesterday, and it's rare that I follow-up with another so quickly. Truth is - I'm bored at work (in a slight wind-down mode ahead of the weekend) so this is a good out-let. Certainly, in the past, I'd be onto gambling websites plundering thousands on roulette - so this is a bit healthier!

I actually went to a GA meeting last night - which was my first in ages. I am keen to really take control of my recovery, and address the 12-steps in a way I've never done so before. The meeting itself was a bit of a shambles (big meeting / not that well organized / lots of late arrivals etc) but I still took a lot out of it. One really simple analogy someone came up with:

"If I was a diabetic, and the doctor said you had to go once a week to collect your insulin... I'd do it - without question. To keep me alive" GA meetings (or this forum / or whatever) can provide that support. My mind still says I can tackle this journey alone, but using every possible resource available to me could help me on this journey.

Keep up the great work everyone

D123

Hey D123

Great to read you're still bet free. Have been following your posts and the great support you provide to others but think it's a little difficult to comment on your situation. You seem like an intelligent, successful and confident guy who abstained from gambling for a long time. You know how to do it and how to control it so long as you guard against complacency. I think that handing your finances over to your fiancee really is the way to go just to protect yourself.

Don't be hard on yourself. I've not met the perfect person yet in all my 40 years. You seem to have most things going your way. Forgive yourself the odd flaw.

Your mind may tell you that you can take this journey on your own but we don't want to be here just to pick you up from a slip(which we hope never happens). We want to draw inspiration from you as you abstain and show others the way forward. We want to walk alongside you on this journey of abstention so you never feel that need to gamble again.

Sorry to hear your GA meeting didn't exactly go to plan but at least you came away with something positive from it which can only be a good thing. I've never attended GA and currently don't feel a need to. This site has given me all the support I need and I am grateful on a daily basis for everyones support and feedback.

Have a great weekend.

G

G - thanks for your words of support. Pleased to be taking this journey with you.

I've not posted for a few days... pleased to say I've passed the 2-month mark (date of last bet was 10th Dec) so plodding along nicely in that regard.

Other things are more difficult, and in truth I am really struggling to come to terms with the fact I may be 'depressed'. I hate writing that word... since it seems like a pathetic acceptance of where I am right now. Moreover, perhaps this forum isn't the right place to be talking about it. But I may need to properly accept it before moving forwards. Things stress/trouble me much more so than they have in the past. My job is high-risk / high-reward, and you have to deal with constant rejection - and just learn to dust yourself off and go again. That used to come easily to me - not so much any more.

Anyway, I'll keep battling. In the past, I may have turned to gambling as an escape - but I'm strong enough to avoid that. One quick thought back to where my head was two months ago is enough to know I never want to go there again.

Anyway - sorry for the slightly depressing tone this AM. Keep up the good work everyone!

D123

Little to report, but thought it worthwhile checking in having clocked up another few days gamble-free. Around 62ish for me now...

One thing I've noted is how many recovery diaries are regularly updated - and then simply stop/disappear. Presumably sometimes this means people have decided to approach their recovery in a different way, or just lose interest. But principally, I guess that people slip-up / fall back into the jaws of the monster, and don't feel able to update & return - back onto Day1. Certainly, I have lot of respect for those that keep posting throughout difficulties/slip-ups, and I appreciate all the care and support that is available on here through tough times.

Stopping gambling in the short-term is (relatively) easy for me, but I am working hard to understand and address the things that cause me to return to it time-and-again - stripping me of my dignity / self-respect, and leaving me tens of thousands of pounds in debt. I have signed up to the CBT thing through the NHS, plus have continued some private counselling and will keep attending meetings - albeit sporadically.

Desperate to feel better, and pay back my financial debts... but comfortable in the fact I can live gamble-free. For today at least...

Keep up the good work everyone

D123

Hi D123,

Well done for breaking the 60-day barrier.

Gambling has only ever brought misery and pain to my life, and taking it one day at a time, we need to bury this past and move on. Perhaps the only good lesson gambling taught me is not to think about money all the time...

Thanks Jase - appreciated.

Keep up the good work your end.

On a (slightly) un-related note... Did anyone see the news story released this morning concerning Maureen O'Connor & her gambling addiction. Worth checking out on Sky News if not.

Just goes to show where gambling can take us...

D123

Day 67.

Still comfortable not gambling. Gradually regaining control of my life.

D123

Thanks for posting in my diary, really appreciate it and I want to give you my support.

Read some of your latest entries and I can totally agree it's the easy part to stop gambling in short term ... hard part is when all the stress, troubles and even depression pile up and you have to deal with it all instead of drowning it in the gambling world. And it's not easy either to change your habits and the way you think and fill the void gambling leaves. It simply doesn't happen very quickly. I'm 80+ days gamble free myself and I have been this far only once before but this time I accept the fact that it's still more like beginning than anywhere near done. But just can't really think too far ahead can we...one day at a time and like you said it's difficult up-hill slog. But together we can and will get there!

Hello D

Great stuff going 60 odd days gamble free its sound like you are rising above the gamble demond. I will have to give myself a shake and start beating it back and get alone side you and walk tall again

keep up the good work

Paul

2 months down and comfortable not gamble that's great stuff. Thanks for your post the other day. It helped and I need all the help I can get. Trying to be positive at the mo but part of me thinks I shouldn't try to get over it to quick. I definitely don't want to forget how I felt. I want to use that as fuel. Thanks again and keep going strong. Trust me you aint missing nothing!!