6 Years On: Facing Forwards

Just wrote this on Tomso's thread... thought I'd make a record of it on my diary as well. Shows what a strangle-hold gambling had on me last year:

Tomso,

Interesting post - and I agree completely. The man who has £20 in his pocket for his weekly food-shop and bets the lot is just about the same as the senior manager/doctor/lawyer who plunders tens of thousands until there is no more access to cash.

I often think my addiction is much worse now than it was before - as during my last 'binge' I lost £30k in a 6-day period. A horrible, shameful amount - and one which turns my stomach now to think of it. In reality however, it's always been exactly the same - when I hit the depths of despair, I carry on and on and on until I can't lay my hands on another pound (and I am generally reduced to a blubbering mess). The temptation in GA, or on this website, is to constantly compare yourself to other members - to think 'I'm worse than her' or 'he's much more addicted than me - because he's lost a lot more.' The reality is that we are generally one in the same... whilst each personal situation is different, we face the same issues.

During my last 'binge,' I stopped mid-way through and panicked because I'd maxed my overdraft / credit cards - all of which had previously been in credit. I took out a (considerable) loan which the bank gave me on the spot (they love lending to me; I have a great credit rating and always pay on time, even though I am typically in a large amount of debt). The loan was intended to relax me - to pay off the cards, and have everything in one, manageable place. But you know what? Before I even called up the card companies... I'd started gambling the loan - and I did the lot within a day. This happened because I was still 'in action' and desperate for a quick solution. It's a childish decision I've regretted ever since.

Now... I'm doing fine. 3.5 months off gambling, and ensuring I have little or no access to cash, abstaining comes easily to me. But I must always be vigilant. I have never borrowed/stolen from any friends or family - as my only target has been personal self-destruction. I'd like to think I would never let it impact financially on those around me (however much I have hurt them emotionally). Anyway... I've rambled on a bit here. Got a bit carried away. Sorry for hi-jacking your thread mate! I think I'll copy and paste this onto my diary as well - just so I have a record of it as well.

Keep up the good work.

D123

Great post - can relate to this extremely well - I can be in control (whether not gambling at all or in moderation) for long periods of time and then (normally at the point where I have done well and managed to pay back a chunk of debt), complacency kicks in and I go on a self-destruct mission and lose everything possible.

You are dead right about amounts - I am in the category of having blown thousands (ovr 600k over the years easily ) but a compulsive gambler will lose all they can which as you indicate could be a few pounds for some and thousands for others dependant upon your income and circumstances.

The cycle in my experience is complacency leads to a spiral of self-destruction, you then somehow feels better when you get back on track and stay 'sober' again for a while, during this period you hate yourself for blowing the money, for the person you have become whilst in action and for all the stupid decisions and wasted years of your life. However the bottom line for me and I suspect for many others is that Gambling isnt the real reason for wasting my life to date, there are others but gambling is the way of coping with failure to deal properly with other situations and take the right decisions in life.

Best Wishes

Hi

Desperate I am facing the same situation as yourself. Things are not going to get better straight away. Well thats not true me and the missus are getting on better thats pretty instant. My mental health is slighty better. My financial situation is tragic. But to be honest things were going off a cliff lately so I can only imagine where I am headed. Things will turn for you your smart just need to be patient.

Michael

Cheers for the comments guys. Sorry - I'm about to copy and paste from another thread again. Just wrote this elsewhere and want it to appear in my own recovery diary..

Captain,

Thanks for your post on my diary - which I really appreciated. Seems you're in a tough place right now, and I feel your pain mate.

I like Curly's comment above - about the two sides of his personality. I can certainly relate to it. There are times when I'm abstaining, when I think I honestly can't function - whether that be through drink, drugs, or more often than not - gambling. I look at people who live their lives mundanely, and I envy them for not having this craving for some other buzz/escape/excitement - whatever you want to call it.

I've come to realise though, that if life has to be boring and mundane sometimes - then so be it. The alternative is no longer viable. For me, that means no gambling - ever - period. As discussed, one bet of £5, £50, £500 - whatever, and I'll eventually crumble and end up back at square one. You mention you're addicted to some forms of gambling, but not others. In truth, I might question that.

Anyway, I know that not gambling is the only option for me. Life IS dull sometimes... day-to-day stuff DOES bore me... but it's a gradual process, and steadily I get back to a point where I appreciate the simple things more. More than this though, I want to be an adult. I want to me mature, provide for my partner, and eventually start a family. 'Gambling me' will never manage this.

I wish you the best mate.

Keep posting

D123

Hey Desperate,

Glad your doing well on your journey. I also think the more you educate yourself on the addiction the more you learn about why you gambled and the behaviors that come with the disease. While I was at my brothers house yesterday, he mentioned to me this lottery drawing the state is having this weekend and how the odds are suppose to be so great, because there's a set amount of tickets giving away. He's never mentioned anything to me before like that, my stomach churned, and I caught myself instead of saying I don't gamble anymore, I just said,"I'am not interested in that". Nothing else was said, except him saying he needs to get his tickets soon. Were all making progress in this addiction and I like the fact that I didn't feel any excitement about someone mentioning the word lottery. If I wouldn't have gone through the 1 on 1 therapy and group classes and realized the root of my addiction, the old me would of drove us to the local store to buy some.

Stay strong, your doing great!

Chicagoguy

Thanks for the post Desperate, appreciate your comments and support.

Best Wishes

D123,

I thank you for your post on my diary and want you to know how much appreciated you words and honesty were.

I like how comitted you are and that you have faced up to things in your life and accept them for what they are. I also find days to be dull sometimes and I struggle with this. Sometimes up and sometimes down. I find this hard to accept and know that I don't do well when inactive. I have started upping my exercise and feel that this gives me something different to focus on (become obsessed with). However, life is tough with two kids and a wife and sometimes I cannot put me first. When raw from the defeat of gambling I become very selfish. I have an idea in my head of what I need to do to abstain from gambling but I forget that I have others to think about. This all relates to the dull days that you mention. I had plans to go to boxing tonight but couldn't go for other reasons and now find myself in a completely different mindset compared with how I felt this morning. This is selfish I know but I have hardly left the house today and instead have become down about my situation. I need to become more like you and accept each day for what it is. Gambling make me selfish and self centred but through abstaining I become a better person. With having ten months gamble free up until this january I know this to be true.

I am delighted that you have went 3.5 months gamble free and I hope some peace has returned to your life. As the days clock up everything becomes easier. Keep going.

Tomso.

Monday morning and back to the hum-drum of work / life.

Today I am going to a group CBT session organised through the NHS. To be honest, I'm slightly apprehensive - partly through nerves (this is something I've never tried before), but more through apathy. I signed up this thing some months ago, when I had lost a shedload and was deep in the s**t. Since then, I've made good progress, changed my mentality and got a grip on many aspects of my life. This is my curse in a way though - the longer I abstain / keep the beast at bay, the more in control I feel, and the more I don't need (or want) and outside assistance).

My fiancee is telling me this is a great opportunity - and that I must take any help/advice that I can. But I can't help but feel somewhat degraded - and an over-riding sense that by calling upon services such as this, I am losing credit for having got over this myself. In other words, outsiders will look in and think 'he's only kicked gambling because of all this help he's getting'. I worry that I have achieved so much (largely through my own journey of recovery), then now this CBT thing is available, it will take some credit. I want to take control, but feel somehow I am losing it. Moreover, I fear I will be surrounded my people who cannot take a breath without wanting to gamble - whereas I can happily survive weeks/months (even years) without it.

It's a bizarre/perverse way of looking at things. Anyway... that's the end of my rant. I am big enough and clever enough to realise that being open to all forms of help IS taking control of my recovery. I may go along and find it's not for me... but shutting it off and dismissing it before even trying would just be shooting myself in the foot. The child in me wants to swerve it - just not turn up perhaps without even telling anyone. But the 'adult me' (the new me) will go along, with an open mind, and be receptive to any help and advice that could further shape my development as a human being.

Keep up the good work everyone

D123

Not sure if anyone's tried CBT before?

Last night I went to my first of 8 weekly sessions... I spoke yesterday about my skepticism/reluctance with the process (since I now seem to be progressing well in my recovery). All things considered, it wasn't too bad; I quite like the practical / straightforward approach to dealing with gambling thoughts & activities in a methodical (almost scientific) manner. In a way, it epitomises the 'Facing Forwards' mantra, and is not overly obsessed with past failures & problems.

Having said this, there is a natural frustration going back to square one with something like this - meeting a new group and explaining a little about where I'm coming from.

Anyway... I'm big enough and sensible enough to know I should accept help from any avenue. My recovery continues... tomorrow I'll hit the 100 day mark.

keep up the good work everyone.

D123

Congratulations Desperate in fast approaching your 100 day mark - that's a great achievement and you should be proud of yourself.

Take care and keep up your great efforts in remaining gamble free.

Feb.

Hi Desperate

Just wanted to say fantastic - 100 days will be an incredible achievement and credit to your strength and perseverance.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences of the different types of help that we can seek in achieving our goal of remaining gamble free, its something that i did not know existed. I think its great that despite your resevations attending you have taken something positive from it to further help you and us along our journey.

I wish you all the best

100 days today...

I wanted to post that this morning - even though I am feeling a little down and disillusioned about life in general. Things haven't necessarily been going my way work-wise, and motivation has been a struggle.

But you know what... I am in a much better place than I was 100 days ago. I had gambled throughout the night - the last day of a 6-day binge. I had lost tens of thousands. I couldn't bare to face my fiancee - so I put myself to bed in the spare room, and left a short note on the kitchen table explaining what I had done. When she came in to see me in the morning (to comfort / question me - whatever), I had not slept a wink. I cried buckets... I could not get out of bed... I could not face going to work/being part of the real world... I felt like tearing my hair out... Just thinking of it now, I can almost feel the pain and anxiety rising up in my chest.

Anyway - if that all seems a bit depressing, that's because it was. It was one of my deepest, darkest moments - and there have been hundreds in my gambling life.

Because I find abstinence itself relatively easy (having racked up long periods in the past) I often fail to give myself credit fo what I have achieved. For example, today 100 days does not feel like enough - I am impatient to hit 200-300, and more thereafter. But however brief my last stint of gambling was, I must remember the devastating effect it had on my life.

I am not perfect... and my recovery is still young. But I am 100 times better, and 100 days further forward... than the wreck of a man I saw in the mirror on 10th Dec last year.

Thanks guys for all the support so far. Let's keep moving on together.

D123

Mr 123.

Fella you should be very proud of your 100 days abstinence.

I totally relate to the wanting things yesterday, a trait many of us seem to carry.

Things do improve in our lives immeasurably through abstinence that is fact.

Hold that memory of that reflection it Will serve your resolve well in the future.

But just for today enjoy your milestone, it is worthy of celebration.

Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change.

And the wisdom to change the things we can.

You my friend have done that a hundred worthwhile times, enjoy that and be proud.

Lets "abstain and maintain"

One day at a time.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Duncs, thanks for your message. The support means a lot, and you remain - as always - a tower of strength and hope for people who use this site.

On a somewhat non-gambling related note. It's perhaps appropriate that on the day I hit 100 days, I am dealt a blow from elsewhere. A letter from HMRC today arrived in the post this morning - detailing a significant shortfall and explaining I owe a large sum. Payable immediately.

It's not fortune - and certainly not the same sort of amounts I've plundered gambling, but all the same it's knocked me for six. And left me reeling. It's money I simply don't have, and it will be difficult finding a solution.

Again... I must be adult about this. It's set back any targets I have to clear the debts... and feels like a bit of a kick in the teeth. How long have I been saying good things happen to you when you kick gambling?! Anyway, psychologically I am in a position today to cope with it (albeit not without some panic), whereas 3 months ago I probably couldn't have.

Got to keep facing forwards.

D123

100 days is a fantastic achievement l it's something I've just passed and myself am happy with it,

Like you other things crop up but instead of gambling to win the money, i pay the money and its done , strange how I used to try and win £15 for a haircut and end up losing £500 !!

Onwards and upwards and good luck with this