A better future starts now

For the past few days I have felt physically and mentally drained , I honestly believe this is the guilt as that's all I can think about the damage I have I caused to my family is unforgivable , I am so lucky to have an amazing partner and family that are helping me though this , I feel so bad tho as my sister has just gone on anti depressants herself as she was finding it difficult to cope with what's happened to our brother but she has been great and says she's there to help me and will never judge .i must say I do feel a little better to day . I will do this !!!

I can not change the past but I can change the future, and the thought of losing everything scares me , my partner has giving me a few chances now but I believe this is the last and I am not willing to take the risk . It's time I faced up to things instead of using slots to escape and forget . I do not want to live the rest of my life like this , and I don't want my kids growing up with nothing because of my selfishness . Today is a new day and I will not gamble ,the thought of doing it actually make my stomache turn . I couldn't even if I wanted to as I have blocks in place and have no access to any money and that is the best thing I have did .

Time to start living my life and focusing on my kids ,my partner and my brother and making happy memories .

Well today is the start of 14 days or 2 weeks of been gf. I have been here many times before but never quite made 3 weeks so that will be my first goal and the way I'm feeling now I know I will do it .

Woke up this morning with a really bad head , the same as when I went to bed but that is not due to been gambling related , more of a stress head as I call it . Anyway I told myself to give my head a shake and sort myself out , may have worked as I feel a little less stressed now.

Busy day today so no time ( or money) to even think about gambling .

Hi Kirstbob. I too have felt that my life stresses cause me to turn to gambling as an escape. You and I both know it ends up casuing more stress so it's not the way foward! But, you are doing so well, 2 weeks is a great achievement. If you haven't already, I really recommend Gamcare's free counselling. I started it a few weeks ago and do it through the webcam each week - it helps to talk and helps identify the reasons you use gambling as the escape. There's info about it on the website. Keep going.....your head will clear, just take it one day at a time.

Thank you for your reply and advice, I have been offered counselling but I'm not sure it's for me, my sister has suggested I go to the doctors as she feels I may need anti depressants, just to help make me feel less anxious, . Before I start playing slots online I believe now that I was addicted to scratch cards , every time I went to the shop I would have to buy one or there was times I would just go to the shop to buy a one .

Well this week will be a big test for me as my partner is working night shift , as soon as he went out the door to work I was straight online looking for a site where I could play ,I have self excluded from that many that it was starting to become really hard to find one . The feeling that would come over me to play slots was really strong , it would take me ages to find a site where I could play but I always managed to find one and I always said to myself just £20 but that was never the case . Up until 2 weeks ago I truly believed that the next time it would only be £20 and I guess I didn't really want to stop as I must admit that I did like to play slots and it did take my mind off things but I have now come to my senses and realise that I can't stop and it never will only be £20 .

The best thing I have did is to be honest to my partner , we opened a new joint bank account and he keeps both debit cards I have never really seen mine ,good job really as it got to the point with my old one where I knew it off by heart and didn't even need to the card when making deposits . He has full access to online banking so even if I did find a way he would be able to check .

So for the first time in a while I have finaly admitted that this can't carry on and it needs to stop altogether ,no thinking just £20 as that will never be the case .so today I feel quite confident that there will be no gambling .

It's the start of day 15 been gf . I am so pleased I have found this site as it is helping me loads . I love reading people's diaries and seeing just how far people have come , it's giving me the strength and determination to help me do this . Making a diary is also helping as each day I love to see the gf days go up .If it wasn't for this site I would never of known about the perantal controls with my bb provider ,so I would like to thank you all .

Hi. .well done on the days gamble free...like you....my addiction was with the slots...each day without them is a better day. ...I found the free counselling great...maybe worth some thought ...keep plodding on love...stay close to here....x

Well done on another gf day Kirstbob. I didn't think the counselling was for me, I still don't really like the talking to someone bit but its definietly worth a go. If you worry about addiction generally then anti-depressants may not be the way for you.....also, it masks the problem but doesn't address it. I've been down both paths and I would never go back to the tablets. You need to do what's right for you though. Keep strong and keep gf. Every day gf is another success story.

Thank you both for your replies :).... I will certainly think about what you have both said .

Wow what a difference a day makes, I feel a lot better then I have done the past few days . I know there will be up and down days but today I'm enjoying the up . I feel more like my old self today before the gambling had taken over my life ,as when it came to my house I had a touch of ocd , I was forever cleaning and my house was always spotless even though I have 4 kids . But I loved this and I loved the comments people would make when ever they came . This had changed a lot in the past few years it all started to slip as all I was bothered about was playing slots so all my spare time was spent on playing online . Don't get me wrong my house was still always kept clean just not up to my normal standed . People will think am sad but I really do love cleaning lol. Any way tonight with my other half been on night shift I used my spare time to have a good clean and it's made me feel so much better in myself and I'd rather feel like this every night after cleaning then stressed , worried ,disappointed ,tired And generally feeling like complete s@!t .

So today has been a good one and here's hoping for many more to come 🙂

Nearly though another day of been gamble free ,this will be a total of 16 days now . I know its not really a long time in terms of time but for me this is quite good as normally by now I would have given in and played but the way I feel at this moment in time It's the last thing I would want to do .

I love coming on here each day and seeing the gamble free days of myself and others go up , it really does help make me feel more determined and the thought of resetting the clock back to day 1 , well let's hope that will never happen ........ I know it's very early days and i will be living with this for the rest of my life so I can never let my guard down and think I'm cured so a £10 deposit on a quick game of slots won't hurt or buying a £2 scratch card when I go to shop because that's all it will take for me to be hooked again so I always need to remind myself of this . I read somewhere that slots are like the smack of gambling , so basically I'm a slot J****E and I am disgusted at the thought that I let myself get like this .

My plan is now to take it a day at a time and hopefully each day I will become a little stronger and wiser and I will eventually beat this .

You seem to be doing well you will get the bad days but the good ones will start to outweigh the bad more as every day passes.

Keep posting and reading other diaries don't be scared to ask for help or give support and give chat a go can be good to chat to a few people just like you.

KTF

Aww bless my other half , we were having a little chat tonight about gambling and he was telling me about the lads at work how they sit and bet on their phones while on a break and how he believes that's it's now to easy for anyone to gamble at anytime or any place he also said how when he was reading the paper on his break He came across a advertisement for some gambling site and he just had to rip up the page , I feel so bad for him as he was one of the " normal" one who could just have a small bet on the football at the weekend your only talking a couple of quid , but since I opened up to him about my problem he has never had a single bet since and I feel so bad about this .

However , there is a football thing that all the lads at his work do and it cost £40 , something about picking teams then there is a winner at the end of the season . He asked if I would mind if he did it ! .... Ffs how bad to I feel , he asking if I mind .. I'm the one with the problem not him and now I feel bad like I've ruined the little bit of fun he had , he works so hard and he never asks for anything and hardly ever spends a penny on himself .

I knew I was lucky before to have an amazing other half but now I can't believe just how lucky I am .... He has stood by me even though I have let him down so many times , he has been so supportive and has never once thrown anything to do with gambling in my face ..... I will give this 110% for him as he does not deserve any of this ....o*g how come it has taking me until now to realise this , I'm so upset with myself right now that I have tears rolling down my face .

Thank you for you post and advice Oldhamktf it means a lot , I will carry on reading diaries as I find they really do help me . They make me more determined to beat this as I love to read about people's progress and how their life's are so much better now they have stopped gambling and this is exactly what I want , I owe it to my family and myself to do this and I don't think I've wanted anything more then for this to happen ..... I really wish I found this site along time ago , I really can't understand how I haven't as I have read so many stories and other forums online but this is by far the best ...... Never in my life have I wrote a diary as I'm not the best at writing but I really believe it helps as for the first time since gambling has taken over my life i am writing down that I do have a problem , and by doing this I seem to be taking this a lot more serious as its all wrote down in black and white .

Thanks again for you support 🙂

Just had my sister in law on the phone , my brother is wanting a trip out to the gala to have a game of bingo . I haven't went into to much detail about my brothers injuries as its very difficult for me to talk about it even though it's nearly 2 years later since his accident it's still very raw but when he wants to go anywhere it's not as easy as just jumping in the car or on a bus and going as there is so much equipment that needs to be taken with him plus he needs 24hour care so there is always a carer ..... Anyway in order for him to go I will need to be there to help , I know it's not the best thing to do as I will be surrounded by all those money grabbing slot machines but it's something I will have to do as there is no way I will let him down , it will only be the second time he will of been out somewhere other then the local shops and this will help pick his mood up so much as he has been really really low lately .

I have spoke with my OH about this and I am only going to take enough cash for my bus fare and some food ,so if I do start to get any urges I will have no money to do so .... To be fair I was never one for bingo or slot machines only the online ones so I know there will be no problems...... i will update my diary tomorrow and I am positive it will be all good .