A better future starts now

Woke up this morning feeling a lot better then when I went to bed .... There was so much going on in my head last night ... Gambling related aswell as other things, that i had my own head batted ! ... It took so long to get to sleep as I couldn't just switch off ...... Still no urges though ... I Seem to of come along way in a short space of time ,go back 3 weeks And I wouldn't of thought twice about logging in somewhere and playing just to take my mind off everything .

So today is the start of day 17 and I'm starting it feeling very positive

Well just back from taking my brother for a game of bingo and I feel rather proud of myself for not giving in to the temptation of a free game of bingo 🙂

What a journey it was though to get him there lol.... There was four of us and it was a good job there was really as it took the lot of us just to keep the chair steady and keep a hold of his head as it causes him a lot of pain if his head is knocked .

The bus drivers faces though when we are getting onto the bus is quite comical they just look in pure shock , I suppose it's not everyday you see someone on a ventilator .

Anyway , while we were there my brother wanted to have a go on the slots ( he's nothing like me , if he looses he looses he would never chase his losses , it's just a bit of fun for him and he doesn't get much of that so why not ) .....while him and his partner were playing I decided to take a step back and I started to have a look around. I was watching people as they were so fixated to the screens watching the reels go around and around it was like they were in a trance and they weren't aware of anything that was going on around them , their was people putting £20 after £20 notes into the machines , people going back to the cash machine for more money , and I thought to myself that was me only doing it in my own home , I new exactly how they must of been feeling and I never want to feel like that again !!

There was a mother and daughter playing slot machines next to my brother and I watched as they too kept feeding the machines....(. They were only there for the slots as they never even played the bingo ) , their game wasn't doing anything and I could see by their facial expressions and body movement that they were starting to feel that heart sinking feeling I would get when I lost money I could not afford . The daughter even said to her mother , I'm sick I'm not even meant to be here ......., me and my sister just looked at each .

I know it's not nice but going there today and actually taking a step back to watch people and watch how they feed aload of money into them machines has made me feel more determined to beat this ... I never want to go back to my old ways and have to feel that gut renching feeling again , but I also never want to forget just how bad it feels either .

So today I am feeling a little proud of myself .

Well done on getting through it. It's not something I would make a habit of and I do understand the reason why you felt you had to go.

You need to be extra vigilant over next few days as I've heard people say exactly the same as you but then a few days later think they can control it as as they managed it while it was starring them in the face.

KTF

Hi , yeah I totally understand what you are saying , thank you .

my sister is fully aware of my situation and I'm sure she will kick me into place if I even thought about trying a £1 , she is great and is helping support me though this brilliantly.... My partner has full control of the finances and only gives me money for what I need , I did end up having £3 left after I payed for my return bus ticket but I used that to buy some food . It will be a very long time or if ever my partner will ever trust me with my debit card or a large sum of money , but this is what I want also .

The kids will be breaking up for the summer holidays next week so there is no chance I could go even if he wanted me to .

Thank you again for your advice as it does make so much sense .

Over half way through day 18 of been gf and feeling positive .

Today was payday and I went out and bought the majority of the kids school uniform aswell as shoes , socks , swimming gear and even new packed lunch bags ready for September...... This would never of happened if I was still gambling .... And it felt good even better that I payed with cash instead of credit cards ! ... For the past few year it was normally a case of rushing about at the last minute and never having any cash to buy anything .

Today has been a good day and I have had no urges at all to gamble , but I always remind my self that I need to take this a day at a time .

hey Kirstbob

just want to say how inspiring your diary has been. I have been struggling with gambling for about 5 years now and am in a very dark place at the moment. I have gambled today and so don't feel I can start a new diary but I will start one tomorrow. I've got to keep trying. Your comments about becoming a better person for your kids is so true. I have become such a horrible, grumpy, stressed out dad and they deserve better. So I will start a new diary tomorrow and hope that I can make good progress on my recovery journey again.

Well done- and particularly well done for going to bingo with your brother and not going on the slots!

take care

Stu

It's the start of day 19 and my first goal of 3 weeks is nearly upon me , this will be the longest I've will of gone without gambling since the addiction had taken a firm grip on me , so feeling pretty good this morning .

To be honest this is not the first time I have promised my partner I will stop but this time is a lot different .... I actually want to stop and this will make a hell of a difference...where as in the past I guess I never really wanted to as I thought I would be able to control it , so I would be good for a couple or weeks or so then I thought to myself .... Your not addicted as I don't play everyday , I'm just stupid , so next time il just deposit £20 for a bit fun ..... Never worked liked that and it always made the whole situation a lot worse..... I have now come to realise that I am addicted and in order to do this I need to stop all forms of gambling , not even a raffle ticket ! ... Since I have been honest with myself that I am addicted I have taken this a whole lot more serious but I also feel better for actually admitting to myself , if you know what a mean .

I am in a lot better place then I was 4 month ago , mentally and financially but this is only because things had got that bad financially that I had to contact StepChange .... They are great and they never judge .... They advised that I set up a DMP ...i did and since that first phone call it was like a weight had been lifted of my shoulders... I know it's not a desision that should be taken lightly as it completely ruins your credit score and the chances of getting new credit will be pretty much impossible but to be honest I never want credit again ... I managed without before gambling so I will manage again .i also find the mse DMP forum a great help , no one judges you they only offer advise and support .... A lot like this one 🙂

Today I'm feeling positive !!

Hi stu, I totally understand how you are feeling right now as I have been there many times myself ... But we can do this .. I have to for myself and my family , I have tried and failed a few times in the past but this time feels a lot different , I have had my lightbulb moment as I call it .

By gambling I have taken so much away from my kids , unable to take them anywhere or buy them things that they needed and this is has all been down to me , my selfishness and I hate my self for this , but this stops now ... I'm just so pleased that they are still all quite young and if I stop this now hopefully there will be no negative impact on their life .... I have read stories from kids of compulsive gamblers and they scare me ..... I do not want my kids growing up feeling like they do .

I find this site is helping me but I also find my way of thinking has changed ( for the better that is ) .

We are both in very early days but I know we can do if we want it hard enough .... I keep telling myself it's not impossible and if I want it hard enough I will get it .

Stay strong

Thanks

Just to add to my previous post , something that my daughter said that really got to me ....... Mam , your so different now , you sing in the car and don't shout as much ...... This got me really bad .... I am disgusted in myself for letting my self get like that .... My poor kids , what kind of person had I turned into , I was so caught in my own self pity and living in my own little world I couldn't see how much I had changed ....... I also seen a close friend of mine that I hadn't seen in a while ,I never said anything about the gambling just how down I had been and wasn't my normal self ..... She said I know , her husband had seen me one time and said I looked like I had the whole world on my shoulders .... I must of been walking around looking a complete mess and unaware of who and what was around me ....... Not good !! Well no more , this is one fight I will not back down from .

You could always start you diary today as it may help you , good luck on your journey and stay strong .

Hi Kirstbob
I just wanted to say how much I identify with your post. It is almost my story. I wish you well in your recovery. I am day one today. Take care Roxi x

Hi Kirstbob,
The post I was referring to is your first post. I have just realised there are more to read which I will now. I am new to this site so am a true beginner.
Take care Roxi x

Hi Roxy and thank you .... I'm to quite new to this site but have found its really helping me . When I first started reading the diaries I to could not believe how much I could actually relate to them .... I felt so alone but coming here and reading I now know that there is so many other people going though exactly the same as me ..... It is great to find somewhere , where people understand how I'm feeling and what I'm going though and they don't judge , just offer help and support .

I wish you all the luck in your recovery , we can do this .

Thank you

K

So it's just past midday and I'm still going strong ...... With me been honest with myself and partner , I asked him to have a read through my diary .... I was worried incase I sounded like a complete k..b as writing is most definitely not my strong point and I feel as though at times I'm writing aload of unnecessary s..t lol. I just feel like writing down everything is helping and I'm letting it all out instead of bottling everything up ...... Anyway he did ( I must say I was a little worried ) but he said I'm been very honest and he seemed alittle pleased with me :)... He did point out and have a little chuckle at my spelling mistakes , but it felt good that I could share this with him . so onwards and upwards is the way I'm hopefully heading .

Your doing great, honesty is massive telling the people close to you is the biggest block you can have it means you're accountable for your actions. Tell your OH to read my diary if he wants to see spelling mistakes lol as long as you get it down it doesn't matter and as you have seen after 19 days you are inspiring people to not give up on giving up.

KTF

Thank you KTF ,

You are so right, honesty is massive telling people close to you and is a massive block , if I had never of told him I would never of been able to be where I am now as I would still have full control of my money and would not of been able to put blocks in place as he would wonder why I needed them .without them I know full well I would go back to my old ways ...... Plus the guilt and lies were killing me and telling him was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders .... Having his support helps me loads .

Thank you for your support 🙂