A better future starts now

I'm sorry for all the posts recently but at the minute with it been very early days ,I feel I need to constantly write down how I'm feeling and what's on my mind .... I know it will calm down eventually.

.... I am trying to absorb as much information from this site as Possible as I'm wanting to put as many blocks in place that I can to make it extremely hard for me relapse , because I no one day wether it's tomorrow or a few year from now that urge may come with a vengeance and I need to be prepared ..... I'm not doubting myself but from reading a few diaries and seen how far they have went ..then boom .... That urge to gamble got a hold of them so tight .... For different reasons .it does scare me and I need to remind myself that no matter how long it's been I can never let my guard down .

if anyone can advise me of what I can do , please let me know as I'm taking this so serious and I will do everything I can to prevent it harping again .

thank you all , your posts and diaries really help a lot in many ways .

Don't apologise for using your diary for what it is meant to be used for.

Ok so you have told your partner that is a first big step and shows that you are admitting you have a problem and you are willing to accept help.

The core of the blocks is the the 'triangle" money- location- time. Without one of these you can't bet.

Money- hand over full financial control to your partner, give him your cards, passwords for online accounts and ask him to check the accounts daily. If you was anything like me I knew all my card details of by heart, report your cards lost and then when the new one comes get your man to scratch if the last 3 numbers on the back so you can't use it online or even better get a basic bank account that does not allow befit transactions just a cash machine card.

Location- i think I'm right in saying you gambled online, so self excluded and close down all your accounts for the maximum length of time, don't think I will just leave that on open just incase I need it you can get blocking software on your devices K9 and Gamblock are a couple I know if they stop acces to sites they do block some other sites but I have learned to live with that m, just make sure you get your OH to set the passwords for them not point if you know the password

You can also use parental controls on your broadband to stop you getting on sites for over 18's some mobile providers offer the same service

Time- probably the hardest you don't realise how much time you spent gambling I personally throw myself into this site read diary after diary and started posting and offering support it helps me so much keeps me grounded I've built up a good network of friends on here who o look out for and they do the same for me

I filled the gambling void by watching boxsets God knows how many, others go back to old hobbies and sports back to the gym or spend time with there partners and kids

They are the practical blocks which help me especially early on but you can't live your life like that forever your not a child but you have to earn trust back slowly.

If you haven't call Gamcare speak to an advisor they can offer counselling which I haven't done but others find it helps them a lot. I decided to go to GA and that has been huge in aiding my recovery, yes I was nervous about going nearly bottled it but it was the best gamble I have ever taken, sat in a room of like minded people who have been where you are, so welcoming and I never thought it would be for me. I had the preconceived idea of old men in flat caps or sat in a school hall on plastic chairs all holding hands. Couldn't be further from the truth.

Stay close to your diary and read others. This is your diary post what you want as often as you want. As I always say it's better to ramble than gamble.

KTF

Wow thank you for that some really great advice there.

I think I've pretty much covered all that ... I was exactly like you with my old debit card , knew it off by heart that I never needed it when it came to making deposits .... I now have a new one but my partner has had it from day one so I don't have a clue what any of the numbers or security code are .... This didnt stop me tho , I found away around that by using PayPal ! ... I began to start searching for sites that use PayPal for deposits and withdrawals .... There is now a block in place for that now though .

I also have blocks on my internet .... Only found that out tho by been on this site , so I'm really greatful for that .

Time - I mainly gambled when my partner was on night s**t ,I would be up the whole night ,then as soon as he pulled up I would dive into bed and pretend I was asleep ..... I would only get an hour then I'd have to be up for the kids to go to school ..... There was one week when I'd only had 9 hours sleep in 4 days .... What the hell was I thinking , well to be honest I wasn't as all I could think about was trying to win my money back .... I find that most my spare time during the day I'm either cleaning or on here reading and on a night I will watch a film until I fall asleep .

I'm not quite sure about the counselling or the GA meeting ... To be honest I find this site a great help but if I find I'm starting to really struggle I will consider them .

I forgot to mention that I now no longer have a phone .... After my last binge I was so upset with myself that I threw it in temper and it was left in a right state lol.... I did most of my gambling on my phone while lying in bed ... Now that's gone its one last thing to worry about , I don't miss it at all and I never had credit on anyway .

Thanks for that great advice .

K

Woke up this morning with mixed emotions ... Happy that I am another day gamble free but also a little sad , today would of been my dads birthday ,he would only of been 58 , addiction is what took his life at the young age of 49 ........he drank to forget ,help with the pain that he caused for himself and his family when he left them for another woman ....only realising when it was to late that he had made the biggest mistake of his life ..... My brother ,sister and myself were always there for him , he married this woman but the damage was done ,he could not live with the guilt and the pain so turned to drink to help take away the edge .only now I really understand how the addiction had taken over his life ....... The last year of his life he tried to stop but it was to late the damage had already been done , his liver was destroyed and he needed a transplant .

He was such a nice man and worked hard , he didn't have a nasty bone in his body .

During the last months of his life and been alcohol free he was in and out of hospital ,we were all there for him , laughing ,joking and talking just like the old days , we had our dad back the man we all new before addiction got hold of him . My dad and mam also became friends again , she even invited my dad ,his wife and kids for xmas dinner as she knew it would be his last and she wanted him and us to have an unforgettable one , we did it was the best !

One thing he said to me and I will never forget is .... I was in my own little world when I was drinking and I never realised what I had until now .

Only now I can understand what he meant ... This has been me for the past couple of year , I was wrapped up in myself , putting more time and energy into gambling then I was my kids ... Addiction takes over your life and it's like your 1st priority .... For the past 3 weeks I have opened my eyes and started to look at the bigger picture of things for the first time in a couple of year and it's not good , there is no good at all come from it only negative .... I want control of my life back and I will do all it takes to do get it .

21 days of been gamble free ,

This is the first time in a while I've gone this long without giving into temptation and it feels good 🙂

No urges to gamble and each day I'm feeling a little better about myself .

I know each day could be different and there will be ups and downs , but for now I'm enjoying the ups .

I have only been on this site for 10 days but by it has opened my eyes ! ...... Gambling addiction is a lot more serious then I thought , there must be so many people out there suffering in silence. Everyday I have logged in there has always been 1 or more person joining , The long termers on here must of seen so many people come and go , it's quite scary .

before I joined I had no idea just how bad it is , I honestly thought I was so alone and always wondered what was wrong with myself as I have never know anyone else with the same problem ........ But then gambling is like a secret addiction .

i would like to wish everyone well with their recovery and hope we can all beat this , I have never been more determined to do something then I am about this ... We owe it to ourselfs and loved ones .

stay strong

Its scarry stuff I'll be honest I read the new comers but very rarely comment as so many post just the once and then are never seen again. I have so much respect for joy divider and glint who do an amazing job and often get little back and others as well.

They must be 1000's out there struggling who just don't have the courage to admit they are addicted maybe in time they will.

KTF

Woke up this morning feeling rather panicked and a little scared . Reality has well and truly kicked in that I will be living /fighting this for probably the rest of my life .... I've been reading a lot of diaries and a few of them have gone quite far and done really well then all of a sudden the urges have beaten them , this scares the sh@t out of me .... I know everyone is different and I know if I keep blocks in place( keep the triangle broken ) , then hopefully I will learn to keep it under control... I think the point that I'm trying to tell myself is that no matter how long passes I can never think I'm cured ( as there isn't one ) and I always need to keep my guard held high . It seriously scares the sh@t out of me as i have to much to loose if I was to do it again .... But I can't live in fear also . I'm hoping that I only feel this way as its very early days and it does get better in time .

my head has been well and truly batted lol , on a positive note nearly another gamble free day and still no urges 🙂

Ahhh just wrote a long post and then my net went off .

Anyway, feeling less stressed today and quite positive ,so that will do me today 🙂

Thanks for pooping by yesterday, yes im at 300 days and i am very proud but just liek everyone else im only one day away from a bet and will continue to work hard to make sure taht doesnt happen. you are doing great nearly 2 weeks continue posting i dont know how many posts i have lost be pressing the wrong button or losing connection frustraing but not the end of the world take a breathe and try again

Hi KTF , you are doing great , it diaries like yours that gives me inspiration and determination, if I can achieve what you have then I will be well proud ...... 23 days for me so very early days but the days are adding up and it's a great feeling , compared to just over 3 weeks ago , I never want to feel like that again !

Thank you

Day 23

Kids have just finished for the Sumer holidays , I have a feeling my stress levels will rise lol.... But I'm sure they will keep me on my toes and out of bother ,so all good . My OH also breaks up on Friday for 2 weeks so looking forward to some quality family time .

I have had a lot more time to think over these past few weeks instead of constantly stressing and worrying about how I'm gona get the money to cover my losses, ( I'm always stressing but not for this reason for a change ) and I can't believe how I let my self get like that , I really am disgusted at some of the things I have done just so I can feed the addiction...... I've went from been absolutely mint with money and people trusting me to keep hold of their money for things such as holidays to not been allowed more then a few quid a day - w*f . Believe it or not but I'm still very organised and I still have to do the monthly budget to keep track of things but only because my partner doesn't have a clue what all the ins and outs are .He reckons I would make a good accountant as I always have to write things down and I'm good at working things out .Dont think that would be possible anytime soon lol .

It's time I started listening to my own advice ... There's no point in crying over spilt milk , what's done is done , learn from your mistakes and move forward , no point in dwelling on the past ....the amount of times I've said this to other people , I think I need to eat my own words . ....... I will for today but I might need to remind myself the morra as I'm a pure stress head lol.

I find I'm struggling to live with the guilt more then actually wanting to gamble , the not gambling has been quite easy ( touch wood) if I continue like this how am I able to move forward , it can't be healthy dwelling on the past , I never want to forget the pain I've caused I'm just wanting to be able to like my self again and be the person I once was and i don't want this to hold me back ..... Early days I know .... See I'm doing it again stressing lol

Hi Kirstbob, I'm very late to welcome you but welcome to the forum 🙂

Firstly, can I say how sorry I am to hear about your father & grandfather, that must have been very difficult to watch growing up 🙁 Secondly, your brother's accident sounds incredibly traumatic for the whole family & I commend you for being so strong & supportive, finding humour in something so sad...I can imagine you all smiling as you got on that bus & whilst I was concerned that you were doing something that could make you incredibly vulnerable, it just shows how strong you are 🙂

I know it's been mentioned before & I don't know if it's because you are scared or because you think you should be strong enough to fix yourself but I'm guessing your sister knows you pretty well so for her to suggest outside help, maybe worth reconsidering? I completely agree with Orp about giving the happy pills a miss though until you've tried other routes. Addictive 'personalities' can be 'managed' with the right help so that they don't hurt so much & the fact that you are struggling to talk about your bro suggests you have some painful demons inside that you are trying to manage alone!

I haven't experienced your traumas but can very much identify with much of your story! Especially handing over your finances whilst still being in charge of them as my hubby tends to revert to his fish impression when I try to explain but this transparency has been my biggest help! He hasn't read my diary (can't be bothered) but gets exposed to the odd post & is grateful of the incredible support that I have had both on & off the forum! I too had so much shame, how could I have allowed myself to become so damaged but I have changed. Yes, I was a fool but I can't go back & change anything & now I accept it as part of my life that has made me what I am today...It keeps me strong when Mr Gamble sneaks up on me & enables me to quickly brush off the stoopid urges.

We're not bad people, we just took a wrong turn (as my friend Ade2 pointed out)! 23 days is brill but it's taken me an awful lot longer to get to where I am now so don't let it drag you back, keep fighting for your future - ODAAT

Thank you for you kind words , advice and support ODAAT greatly appreciated:)

Thank you

Just to add , you are so right we are not bad people , I like to think that I'm one of those people that will do anything for anyone .

I just made a very bad choice , using slots to block out the pain and stop me from thinking .

I wish you well and thanks again

maybe im struggling with the guilt as it distracts me from thinking about him ? my head is a shed at the minute