Been a long time since I've been on here. A lot has changed and a lot has stayed the same. I did a 120 day stint of no gambling and i was happy... but i got complacent and the last few weeks have been steady wins followed by an almighty crash. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I know at the high point that the crash was going to arrive and it did this week.
Positives - I proved I could do a stint of no gambling; I corrected some wrongs; I got my wife a birthing present; I saved up a good chunk of money; I had a great gamble free holiday; I improved my output at work
Negatives - I feel down the same path I've been down before; I halfed my savings in two days; I hid and lied to my wife; I lost my interest at work
I'm back to try again.
Hello Old friend , Good to see you still here but not under these circumstances :)).
What are you going to do differently this time mate ? , big decisions to make and the " Change" needs to come from within and " Big Change" is gonna come alright and when it does you'll be " Twisting the night away " :)) .
Like I've alway's said " You can do this but you just have to want too " .
Talk to you soon old buddy and I hope the familys well :)) x
Change Mate your second paragraph 100% describes the way I crashed and burned at the beginning of September - with the exception of the birthing present!
I really know how you feel as I am feeling the same right now.
I felt great having abstained 200 days plus. Felt invincible. Gambled. Had a massive win followed be doubly big losses. Savings halved and back to old tricks.
It feels like those months of abstinence never happened doesn't it? That is what is so cr ap about this addiction. Takes ages to get in control but an instant to lose it.
Nothing I can say that you do not know other than I wish you well.
Hopefully this will inspire you...
Best wishes
Markman
Hi Alan - thanks for your message - I'm just letting it settle in my mind for a few days and then I'll then think about what I can do differently and how to tackle this addition. One thing I know for sure is that I need something to fill the time that is purposeful and achieving something - I look at repairing watches over my period of abstaining. I bought a couple that didn't work off a popular internet auction site and a book. It gave me something to do in the spare time as I tried to avoid watching sport but it didn't tick all the boxes for me. Family are doing well thanks.
Hi Markman - also thanks for your message. It's good to have someone who can relate to your situation albeit it's a very unfortunate situation that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I'm slightly more positive about having another go after I did a decent stint and life was getting better. I'm hoping that will spur me on. I really didn't want to get up this morning. I had no motivation for life. I'll overcome that hump in the next few days and then gradually start ascending the happiness gradient. Hopefully by October I'll have a clear direction back. As I mentioned above, I need something to fill the time. I'm moving house in the next few weeks so doing jobs to repair and tidy the new house will occupy my time - sadly I blew some money I could have used to furnish it but give it a few months of recovery and I'll hopefully have some cash back.
I've gone back to listening to a podcast called All In - The Addicted Gambler's Podcast and I've got a book on recovering from gambling addiciton which I still haven't finished. That's where I'll start over the next few days I think.
I sometimes find this forum counter-productive to my recovery. The focus is sometimes a little wrong - too much blaming the gambling industry and not enough personal responsibility. I also read stories of a lot of people who I would consider to be in a much worse position than myself and it can make me think I'm only a 'mild' complusive gambler and play down the severity - going on the period of time and my continued inability to refrain from participating in something I do not want to do it would suggest I am in fact a veteran and 'severely compulsive' compulsive gambler.
I'm fortunate that I have a good job which can mask some of my failings but that won't always be the case if I continue to fail - I have a family that totally rely on me to provide for them and that brings a lot of lingering stress. I do feel the weight of that responsibility but I need to come to terms with it as it's going to be a constant for me for at least the next 20 years.
Anyway I'm just rambling and don't really know the point I'm trying to make. Stay safe everyone. I'll look out for you Markman as know we're as fragile as each other!
Just read this article about a teacher who ran up £130,000 of gambling losses through spread-betting - I can definitely relate to some of his thinking about wanting more in life and wanting to be a success and seeing gambling as an option. Fortunately I've never had anything remotely close to £130,000 or I'd be writing the same book as him! Thankful I can start a new journey in recovery.
Good Luck Change, you can do it bud.
Thanks AntAnt1 - I'm slowly moving forward in these early hours and days.
If you've got 15 mins spare this is a good watch - a TED talk by a compulsive gambler based in the UK. I can relate to the initial chunks of the talk but I've never taken out loans to gambler so I've not got into those depths of despair... but it's a reality check for me that it could happen in the future if I don't change the on and off cycle I'm currently exhibiting.
Long time no speak change sorry to see you have fallen off the wagon buddy!
just keep at it and keep busy! time and filling it so important!
take care
Thanks Andy - means a lot.
I'm back in the game now. I've spent a few hours watching videos and reading. I'm got a renewed focus back and I'm ready to go again.
I watched a video about millennials - I'm not in that generation but it resonated with me. The speaker went into detail about that generation working on a basis of instant gratification and not appreciating some things require time. If you want to watch a TV shows you don't have to wait till next week you just binge watch a whole series, want to watch a movie you just download it with no need to check viewing times and leave your home, want an answer to a question type it in google with no need to go to a library and read to research the answer, want a date just swipe right dont put in the hard yards...
I think that's the problem with me and gambling. I've worked really hard all my life but I want more and I think gambling can give me that instant gratification. That extra cash without the need to work hard for it. I need to shift my mentality away from that. I need to start my own business and build it up over time - that will give me so much more purpose in life than watching odds shift from 1.50 to 1.83 to 2.0 to 5.0 to 20.00 on a phone.
I'm back in the game and Day 1 is done.
Hi Change
Thanks for the YouTube link - it illustrates well that gambling doesn't discriminate, you can have the high flying job, 2.4 children, wife, house, cars, holidays and yet with all that, with all those things that people may covet as a great existence, gambling can still strike and consume that person, consume anyone.
I notice in your last post you typed out a range of odds - I may be wrong but subconsciously gambling may still be whirring about in you mate, keep the guard up.
Stay safe and GF.
Thanks Ste - I find watching videos and reading about the addiction helps me in the first few days; after that I want to move forward. It's definitely an interesting video. I don't feel I could ever go as far as those depths - I think it bordered on arrogance for that individual. I got the impression he may have felt invisible and I think that may have been his downfall - he probably went up and then all the way down to rock bottom in one large go and only first attempted a genuine recovery when he had nothing left and his mum rescued him. Fair play to him though as it takes huge courage to front out as a successful person and then voluntarily give talks on how you lost everything and what the day-to-day reality was like for him. He's changed his life and making a real difference now.
Day 2 - I've kept ultra busy today and it's gone fast. Couple of flashing thoughts about how I'm a total idiot but that happens for the first few weeks until I realise it's not beneficial - I draw that line and once I do that I'm no longer feeling I'm behind where I should be so any negativity goes away.
Just a quick post to give a nod to Day 3. Passing best wishes on to everyone fighting this addiction.
10 days done and moving on
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