A not so secret diary of a compulsive gambler

Finished work last night and rushed home and was rushing to the car thinking i dont actually know why i am rushing im free and single and no kids that night haha. So got to the house had a coffee and then went to the gym to burn some energy off. came home and cooked and made a decision.... I am now only going to go to GA once a fortnight and go to therapy the other week. Finding my life is revolving around recovery... I keep a diary and i do two things. GA is great and its a place i need to be but its hardwork going to work at 7 then handing around then getting in after 11 going to bed and up at 6. i told my mum and sister and i think they were a bit alarmed tried to explain to them that i feel in a good place and i am not being complacent! had the best text off my mum I just want to make sure your eating well your sticking to your budget and please dont gamble any more i love you. HAHAHA absolulty brilliant that is so my mum so i told the parents about the gambling and the money side but they dont understand exactly what i was doing my feeling etc. My sister does told her everything and she has been a rock!! so my buddy called in my house for a bit and had a nice chat with my cardiff friend! Today its work and Therapy tonight also have the ex calling in to pick up some things.... Lets hope we dont argue just gonna stay out her way!

Your family were alarmed because "not needing GA" is an addicted thought process that pretty much universally leads to relapse. You could do therapy and GA each week, putting equivalent time and energy into recovery that you put into gambling.

CW

Cynical wife,

Why not support and be happy for Andy instead of constantly putting downers on his recovery ?

Gotta agree with the above comment! Cw. I havnt once said not needing ga! Part of being in recovery is to recover! I need to take some form of control back! Im talking and talking and talking im in recovery your comments to be blunt are not constructive! The fact u have suggested relapse disappoints me! I find i have many diffrent flavours in my recovery maybe having my daughter every other thursday is important to me! Not every women stands by their man! There isnt a one shoe fits all to our disease!!!!

ADT785 wrote:

GA is great and its a place i need to be

Hi Bud,

You're doing so well taking control back of you life. Why gamble with your recovery one night out of seven it's not a lot to give, is turning up 26 times a year enough. I have seen it a lot in the rooms i attend you start to get your life back on track because you're not gambling which is great that's what we want but don't lose sight of the fact that attending GA is part of the reason why your life is getting back on track.

There's times when I could easily chill out and watch some TV but I tend to think what if everyone else thought like this when I turned up on the 29th September 3 or 4 people in room would i have gone back the week after probably not.

It's your choice mate but I would hate to see it backfire on you all for a few hours "inconvenience".

KTF

CW's advice is entirely constructive and supportive. You might prefer to hear from people who will blindly support you and your t*t-for-tat-ness - it's easier to think that CW's advice is putting a 'downer' on things, a comment which is frankly laughable.

I'm pretty alarmed by your diary. Most people's (effective) recovery has some degree of realisation of the harm caused to the OH. Appreciate you're hurting from the affair - but the OH's on here will tell you that the effect of gambling is akin to, or worse than cheating. Most addicts in denial hate hearing this as doesn't fit in with the narrative they've told themselves. You gambled secretly for your entire relationship and remortgaged the house. I hope you can find a positive way going forwards for the sake of your children.

Louis

My Wife had an affair since Febuary this year she took a loan out behind my back two years ago maybe my circumstances are a little diffrent? we had a shocking marrage and thats why it broke down we were both at it! Again one shoe does not fit all! Quite frankly what i have kept from her was s*it but she has done the same hense why it hasnt worked and i am comfortable with that and what i need to do to move on. My life has been very up and down and you know what the diary has helped me get my fustration out there rather than gamble and punch people! I dont need to justify my thinking to people or my life it is what it is and this is my diary and thoughts! if you dont like it or question it dont read or comment on it!

My recovery ???? I have been flat out in Recovery i have been seeing a therapist keeping a diary going to ga writing short stories chatting going to be published by GA hopfully and chat to a few guys off line off this forum! I talk to family and firends about where i am at and feel wonderful. My recovery is doing great and i am steadily focused. I am glad you brought up about my remortgage i didnt just do that for gambling i have stuck by ex through years of illness and my gambling well was my release to put it into short words. I paid every bill my children had everything I remortgaged as my wife was out of work and had to pay debts and other things it was not just for gambling! So I have made a decisions FOR THE SAKE OF MY CHILD to go to GA once a fortnight so every other thursday i can have my daughter i am finding two evening of therapy a week tough going with managing my house my job which i work 50 odd hours a week and being dad! i am gonig for joint custody so my child is my fuel. I have not once denied i have an issue and i am firmly focused on recovery! Honestly maybe i am biased but all your other halfs have stuck by you or you stuck by then! Im on my own looking after my daugher i have wonderful friends and family who are supporting me Denial???? very strong word I can firmly and truely say i am a compulsive gambler and am happy that i was one and i use use the term was as i dont gamble! The expericnces i have learned and gained from the last 3 years will shape my future to be a happy and positive one! Im doing great and i will never ever justify where i am at again!

Martin thank you for your comments i will have a chat with a few of my GA group. a lot of people do go every other week and i think that its important that i see my kid every other thursday I see your point about the 26 days and yes i agree! I think that if i stop my 1 on 1 therapy it may be a case i go to to ga meetings every week i just live quite far from meetings not just around the corner! I love the ga philosophy and firmly belive in abstaining! I am working though the steps and feel i am making progressI have made wonderful friends and speak to them regularly during the week.I need the therapy as i need help not just with gambling but being a single dad and learning to cope with the stress that has caused me to gamble i have an addictive personality and have abused food recreational drugs caffinee and i need to find the root of this. So its a case of stick with both for now but long term continue with GA trust me i will be there in 25 years chewing the fat!

cardhue wrote:

CW's advice is entirely constructive and supportive. You might prefer to hear from people who will blindly support you and your t*t-for-tat-ness - it's easier to think that CW's advice is putting a 'downer' on things, a comment which is frankly laughable.

I'm pretty alarmed by your diary. Most people's (effective) recovery has some degree of realisation of the harm caused to the OH. Appreciate you're hurting from the affair - but the OH's on here will tell you that the effect of gambling is akin to, or worse than cheating. Most addicts in denial hate hearing this as doesn't fit in with the narrative they've told themselves. You gambled secretly for your entire relationship and remortgaged the house. I hope you can find a positive way going forwards for the sake of your children.

Louis

Cardhue- you are alarmed by his diary?? How is that? You don't know what he has been through and considering this hell he has shown positivity and a great attitude while on this forum. I can't believe you have come on HIS diary and said it worries you! that statement is enough to put anyone off of coming back onto their diary when at first they found this place a great refuge.

Hello i actually second the above!! I will be honest with u i found writing my diary a great help for me to offload and has helped massivly if you look at cw posts all over my diary she is completely negative and does not add value! Cardhue! I let your comments affect me yesterday it really got to me and for a few hours made me very unhappy that wasnt constructive! That isnt recovery and as somone who is a bit ahead of me u should be supportive not hating! Iv decided that i will no longer be writing on this forum i will keep a written diary

Andrew, it's your choice about whether/ where you keep your diary. The forum is open, you may well not like what's posted by others but usually criticism is at least intended to be constructive. Forum Admin enforce their rules. It would be a shame to give up on another of the tools that you have been using for recovery.

Downer on recovery or pointing out reality (that cutting back on GA is potentially harmful)? I intended the latter. Surely you don't have to choose between meetings and seeing your kids?

I hear that not everyone sticks by their man. We were married almost 20 years and had four children when it came to light, the betrayal was huge and our foundations were rocked. We have stayed married thus far (we didn't know if it would be possible) because we're both committed to it, we both wanted stability and because we're both changing what needs changing. And both of us view relationships not just in terms of attraction but of our daily lives together - with romance comes domestic minutiae - socks to wash, shirts to iron, someone else's mess in the bathroom, the children need XYZ, who's going to go out in the rain to buy milk etc. It's not just moonlight and roses and I never seriously thought during the bad times that a new partner would solve anything. I don't need someone else to tell me I'm me.

CW

Andrew, I'd urge you not to react too hastily - don't leave the forum. It has worked for YOU so far, you've been doing great so why change your routine? The routine of coming on here regularly each day has become a positive habit for you - probably filling gaps at times you used to gamble. I know it has for me.

As someone who is in early stages of recovery I have also got annoyed at times about certain comments etc on the forum but just like at work with emails, it's best to take a step back, breathe and don't react for an hour or two. Give yourself time to reflect and think. You don't have to engage with comments you don't like - just like in everyday life there are people you get on with and some you don't.

Focus on the positives of the forum - I know following your story has helped me - in the same way I'm sure you have followed other people.

Keep your chin up - onwards and upwards.

To be honest cw i dont really care what you think your husbad did what he did and u cant get over it which is why you are always putting tedious negative posts up! This is a tool for recovery Happy Friday everyone what a time to be alive

This is why people should think about what they are posting to others. It may seem like advise by to the other person it could easily be seen as patronising. It's a shame because as much as you said this diary worries you cardhue, a lot of newbies have found it very inspirational I have spoke to them in chat.

Andrew

You can surround yourself with people who will blindly support you. Great for the feel good - not always good for your recovery though. Eg lots of backslapping for when you changed the locks on your house so your wife and children couldn't stay. I'm not saying you shouldn't have done this. But this surely a sad ocassion and yet many on here are cheering you like some kind of returning hero.

I'm not diminishing the hurt you're feeling around what happened with your wife. I can see that your diary started with remorse over your behaviour but things changed into a focus on your wife and the need for validation. That's understandable but not necessarily good for your recovery. I (and maybe CW although she can speak for herself) are challenging this. You're not ready to hear this - noted. Thinking that I hate you might make it easier but it's not true.

You say you get a lot from posting so keep at it - you clearly connect with others here too.

Louis

cardhue wrote:

Andrew

You can surround yourself with people who will blindly support you. Great for the feel good - not always good for your recovery though. Eg lots of backslapping for when you changed the locks on your house so your wife and children couldn't stay. I'm not saying you shouldn't have done this. But this surely a sad ocassion and yet many on here are cheering you like some kind of returning hero.

I'm not diminishing the hurt you're feeling around what happened with your wife. I can see that your diary started with remorse over your behaviour but things changed into a focus on your wife and the need for validation. That's understandable but not necessarily good for your recovery. I (and maybe CW although she can speak for herself) are challenging this. You're not ready to hear this - noted. Thinking that I hate you might make it easier but it's not true.

You say you get a lot from posting so keep at it - you clearly connect with others here too.

Louis

His diary stared off with remorse towards his wife until he found her in bed with another bloke! How the f&ck can he feel sorry for her after that?? While he was looking after the kids?? No one deserves that! No one!