A not so secret diary of a compulsive gambler

Don't agree with some of the comments on here, I understand the point you's are making our your opinions and maybe are valid to some but it's how they have been put across and worded, I speak to Andy on and off this site so I know what he's had to deal with lately and it's a lot and I think he has done amazing, yes ok he lied to his wife about gambling that was wrong but the way I look at it is gambling addiction is an illness like any other addiction it makes you do things you woundnt normally do its a fight against your brain you don't just go and gamble because you want too you do it because your addiction is telling you too! His wife cheated on him now that's a Choice you make not an illness, a marriage is about supporting one another in times of need so how anyone can put a gambling addiction on the same level of cheating is beyond me, this diary is the first one a read just a few weeks ago and it helped me massively to me it was very inspirational, with regards to the comment about him changing the locks do his wife and kids couldn't get in? I don't recall that being said as such, he changes his locks to secure his house he never kicked anyone out and made anyone homeless most of all his kids I know Andy would have his kids 24-7 if he could, no one patted him on the back for the actual changing the locks they patted him on the back for moving back Home, why should he stay out of his own house that he pays for while his wife is staying there and having the man she's cheating with staying over With here while he is having to stay els where, again the use of words had made it look a way it most certainly isn't, and as for the missing a GA meeting one every next week well there not the only thing that is part of recovery I think it's each to there own some people need more support in some ways and some people need it more in other ways that's a matter of opinion one size doesn't fit all for that, I've not gambled for 4 weeks I've not been 2 1 ga meeting it's not something I feel I want to do dosnt mean I'm going to relapse my point is everyone is different and nobody should be made felt like there being criticised for there choices that a personal to them, they should be supported instead. Everyone's situation is different at the end of the day.

Sorry, have to disagree. Pain in a leg is not normal but if x-rays show that the leg is broken, the pain is to be expected. Everyone's unique in their own circumstances but in the same way that pain happens in a broken leg, the behaviour that goes with active addiction is also standard - deceit (to self and others), denial, projected blame, passing responsibility, manipulation, self pity, selfishness ("Don't bother me, I want to gamble"). It's not easy to be on the receiving end of all that. Choices? Well, they may be directed by the urge to gamble but if you are not responsible for your own choices and actions, then who is? Being ill doesn't mean that anything goes, that's just a rationalisation that justifies the unjustifiable. You do what you can to get better. And I still don't see the difference between a lie to hide gambling and a lie to hide unfaithfulness. Lies are toxic and there's nothing faithful about gambling.

One of the other values that GA encourages is an emphasis on what I need to do for everyone else, not what everyone else should be doing for me.

I'm not trying to be negative or to understate the gf time or to understate the work so far. But support isn't just about agreement. Other viewpoints may not be palatable but all members have been affected by gambling.

CW

CW from what i hear from you you dont quite understand GA, The first thing i got taught at GA is that it is a selfish program that empahsis on what i need to do for ME everyone else??? umm no?! GA is about looking after yourself working through the steps and things fall into place around this. You obviously choose what you want to hear might want to pull your husbads GA book out! Your broken leg rant you have just posted.... if you actually read that diary you will see that i have gone through the motions of all them emotions and exceptance! So after i find my wife has been having an affair for 4 months without me knowing and wanting to be with the guy over me what am i supposed to do??? keep saying sorry. well no i wont its about what i do from now not what i can do to change the past as guess what i cant do that!!!! I am going to move on and create a great future and start again. CW im going to ask you kindly you can look at my diary and stomp your hooves all your want i genunily dont care what you think! So stop posting on it! Your views on gambling are not helpful to people in recovery your just a keyboard warrior! The whole ooooo gambling is worse that cheating is utter nonsense get over it people make mistakes its human nature and i dont have to justify my mistakes as i am dealing with it!

Cardhue duly noted your comments. Lets clear somthing up if you read through my diary you will see i clearly stated that i informed my wife over seveaal weeks i am moving back in on a certain date. i pay every bill at this house was mine before our two year marrage i said you can stay i will be in spare room she didnt intend on staying any way and i had.... no i cant live with you i am moving out. SO she did. I changed the locks. My kids have been here 5 nights out of 8 no one is homless wife is over friends and is sorting a house out. Wife is allowed back into house to collect things when needed. Friday she came over with a family emergency and she cried her eyes out to me and i hugged her and reassured her and took charge of the kids. Did i feel guilty changing the locks..... No really she told me she is leaving. she has had a guy living in my house the last 3 weeks she doesnt contribute to anything around here i dont see a 23 year old man around here as good parenting! But we are working together in some way to look after our kids.

So in the last 9 weeks my life has gone from living a lie to being free and happy and my kids are happier and my wife is happier well.... she has to pay her way now what quite frankly she should have in the first place.

I am firmly in recovery i am going to be going to ga once a fortnight as there are no meetings that work around my childcare and i feel that is enough for me with therapy the other week. its one i pay for so will be doing it for some time. i write im involved in a gambing blog and the last few weeks i have met a friend and you know what i have told her everything about my life i have talked to her about my gambling and my life is about being truthful honest and transparent. Guess what she likes me for who i am and understands what i have done and why. Did i need reassurance yes i did as a man as my wife had done what she did! Guess what i got more than i bargined for as i met the most incredible women who is stunning and so lovely and so understanding who has some much in common its scary!!!! Everything happens for a reason and its nice to have someone to talk to about everyting and share our issues!!

I want to say a huge thanks to Swordfish and Rylex we talk every day out of gamcare we look out for each other and are always there for advice! That is in effect what GA is about saying how your week is giving therapy and listening to others and giving advice!!! They have said their comments as they know how much i have been through the hurt and pain i have gone through and how after riding high and just writing my diary minding my own business i get some sh**ty comments It has knocked me back I hope you know that! for someone to do that it isnt constructive!

Im not sure if im going to keep up my diary to be honest.

Dear ADT785 and others

This is a reminder of some of the forum rules:

• Be sensitive to how your messages may be viewed and perceived by others.

DO NOT post comments or messages which

• are obscene, insulting or considered malicious to others;
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We've edited a couple of posts on this thread and emailed more than one user today with a reminder of these rules.

This forum is a place where users can and do challenge each other, for the sake of recovery. However it should also be a place where differing opinions on recovery are respected, and individuals are not abused or insulted.

If forum users break these rules repeatedly we may put them on moderation for a time, to allow them to reflect on the content of their posts before publishing them.

We hope that you all feel able to continue with your diaries and that you all are able to continue supporting each other in recovery.

Best wishes

Forum Admin.

Loxxie made a really good point yesterday, shame it was on the fb group and not here. Anyway, good luck with everything, you sound committed to staying clean and sorting out a new life set up for your son, well done you.

Twinklyr x

Day 51

So been a bit of drama on my diary from other gamblers (well spouses of gamblers) I have had a warning to not insult said person! So as long as they dont make any comments i am more than happy to do this!

So busy weekend had a date Thursday. My ex had a family issue friday sister has been hiding a baby for 9 months from her family shes 18 and very imature and its very sad the situation my ex was upset so i huged her let her had a cry had a chat then got our old baby stuff from the attic.... Felt good to make some form of peace! Had the kids Fri Sat and Sun dropped to school today. Taking foxy cardiff chick out for food tonight and shes going to drive me home also set another date.... Kinda why i need to write today so we have been talking for a few weeks she is to be honest an amazing person I have completly told her all my issues and she has told me hers both have ex problems she is a few months out of a long term relationship too think we were both looking for just some fun but well.... Seems are getting pretty close. I am not going to fight anything nice to meet someone on my level and im the happiest i have felt in years. So can't be bad. My gambling feels in check. touch wood no urges dont really stress going past bookies now as not really thinking about it my therapy is going well. Speaking to my ga group on whatsapp a lot and off to a meeting thursday. Life seems to have slowed down this last few weeks. cant describe it feels nice to be living in the now and not worrying about things. me moving home has had a huge effect on my happiness. So daughers birthday party yesterday that was fun. Got her staying over tomorrow and she is staying over next sat and sunday. I messaged the ex saying we need to sort dates out love having her but going to push every other friday saturday to be free we are working out joint custody at the moment made a chat and things. life gets in the way mind with all that is going on with her im happy to help her out. So thats me right now.... Not sure i need to write every day any more but nice to have a type haha

Day 54

Well been a pretty mental week work has been crazy. Since quitting gambling have really thrown myself into work lots of project on taking a lead of my team and just feel i have been on fire.. So monday Night had a date got changed in office boss grabbed me at 540 we need a chat... ohhh ok what have i dont get pulled in the excs office. just want to say well dont your half year performance you ahve been reconised as one of the top in the company had a payrise and a set of tickets to watch beyonce in the principality stadium...... BOOM! lol so went out for dinner with s**y cardiff lady. So ummm what you doing Thursday night. I have a very happy date! been spending a lot of time talking to each other feel really happy. miss ADT birthday on tuesday only had an hr with her as she was exhausted so went to bed. I feel asleep early had my first 8 hour sleep in at least 60 days woke up with a unicorn, a stuffed elephent a 5 year old curled up next to me! What a great start to the day. took her to school rather than breakfast club and had a huge hug a kiss and i love you daddy melted my heart! Really love moment like that now smiling thinking about it. So worked 14 hours yesterday come home 4 hours sleep and back to work ahhhhhh work hard play hard as they say! So tonight i have a concert with a beauitful lovely lady on my arm a free days holiday tomorrow gonna have a rest do a few chores around the house and am actually staying over s**y cardiff ladies house she lives in a really pretty area of cardiff with a lake so going to have a walk and chill. Got My daughter saturday and Sunday the ex doesnt seem to ever want her weekend it doesnt bother me il take every minitue i can get with my girl love spending time with her. really loving life at the moment the world seems to have calmed down slightly and just feel happy.

hi mate,

just catching up on your recent posts.
Glad to hear youre still gamble free and congratulations on the progress at work, thats really good news. hard work is paying off for you!

Im also really happy that youre getting time with your little girl, that is invaluable and is so lovely to hear.

There are many things to keep your mind motivated there and if you look back on how your life was 54 days ago when you was gambling, youll see how far youve come! Keep fighting and i will catch up soon.

Ben

Day 58

Well today i woke up itchy and stressed felt like writing. Last night went to a new ga meeting in swansea went well bit more chilled than cardiff nice to share. Got home about 1030 mad rush sorting stuff for kids and then sleep not a great one and then a mad rush this morning for the school run.... This single dad thing is hard. Miss adt is very high maintainance at the moment adjusting to two houses obv stressful for her shes doing well but wears you down love her to death and her hapiness comes first. My ex is taking advantage with my step boy wont let me have daughter without him very hard as feel him detaching from me and its hurting me. The boy is 9 he is aware of things not sure how to handle the situation but having him more than his mum or dad isnt right.... So heavy heart and stress today. Wanted a ramble as i know where this road lead me last time bit scared to be honest dont want to gamble been 58 days now and need outlets to offload not sure if ga is doing it find it takes up 3 to 4 hrs of time traveling meeting which I really don't have i want to do it wish there was one in my town not 25 30 miles away. So thursday and Friday had the most amazing time took s**y Cardiff to a concert and friday we sat on her sofa drank wine watched football walked around a huge lake at 1am holding hands and puting the worlds to rights. She has read up about things hearing her say terms and im like huh. She is someone very special to me not what I was looking for but cant get enough of her.... I have had a great weekend with kids got them 5 days straight from thursday. Need to sort the step boy thing out stressing me my ex is so irrational just feels so unfair blackmail my parents can see it and s**y cardiff too.... Not a lot i can do till mediation next month. Have been really good last few weeks first bad day lots on my mind...... Have a great day im looking forward to wednesday day 60 and the welsh gonna smash Portugal

DAY 64

Been an up and down week Had a gambling urge today my first in about 2 or 3 weeks... Was working on my own at a branch site upgradng equipment. at this site i remembered that i have left here on two ocasions gone to a bookies and jackets them on two occasions... shook it off in about 30 seconds.

Been a pretty stressful week havnt seen s**y cardiff girl for about 6 days been too busy with work and being dad.Wednesday went out for the football had a very angry call off my ex she had my soliciors letter informing of divorce! Got home she had told CSA i had not seen my chld for 2 months.... Oh dear fireworks at midnight litrally lost my head!! i have had my daughter at least 3 times a week sometimes 4 trying to sort joint custody but my ex is irrational and will is having some kind of breakdown... Its strange how calm and composed i am guessing its all the therapy and having my s**t toghether but saying i havnt seen my kids BOOOOOMMMM. Rang CSA next day and she had already called them to set the record straight. guess it was all the pics on my facebook page all the evidnce i sent in texts of collections all the dates i had written down OOHHHH yes and all the money i had transfered to her bank account with MISS ADT Money....... Friday her friend contacted me who shes living with... My ex loves me and wants me back need to talk....... Well diary...... if you asked me that hmmmm 4 weeks ago i would have jumped... Now i am so happy with out her i think the appropriate answer is..... I would rather s**t in my hand and clap! I have come to the conclution that i gamble when i am unhappy it is a total release my therapist can see this too my ex was a massive trigger for me and because we coulsnt talk or sort things this was where it started! iv told s**y cardiff girl everything both have issues with exs really lovely to have someone who understands me and we are growing really close. My ex has found out about us shes with a guy so thought what would be the issue not like we are all out there not all over socail media but we are dating in a diffrent place to where i live. but her friend saw us so when she asked i told her the truth this has cause the drama she wants me back..... Dont know what you got till its gone. she is remembering the good times iv been through so many stages over the last 9 or 10 weeks really feel like i have come out the other side! argues about my step boy she has been leaving him with me to see her man when she said she been working i am annoyed as she has not told my step boys dad that he is staying with me... if that was my girl i would be LIVID!!!!!! So all this stress is starting to annoy me!! Just want mediation starts next week. I want formal days sorted my kids need stability everything i suggest she wont commit dont understand why. iv been very fair said id have the weekend he is up his dads so she gets a break noooo wants me to have every weekend.. sadly aint gonna work as i need to work and i actually need to have some downtime too........

So fancied a rant sorry HAHA I have had my daughter since thursday and have her till tuesday morning 5 whole days of bliss with her she has needed the stabilty of her usual bed and has had early nights slept lots and just seems happy been lovely to be honest. got 2 days off work in the next 20 gonnna be busy!!!! So 26 days till my 90 day pin or for me my tattoo!!! How exciting

It's officicially 10 Weeks Day 70

So i have woken up this morning and i feel really happy and really proud at myself.... I have reached 70 days. Everyone said take it one day at a time and the first 4 or 5 weeks really su*cked!!! The weekends were killer but the last 6 weeks i am really loving life! Really taking everything in my stride too... So in the last 10 days my wife has gone mental at me because i filed for divorce, She told the CSA i hadnt seen kids in two months.... No actually i have them 3 or 4 days a week standard and this week had them 6 days, She demanded money off me for a bond ummmm no!!! She told me she loved me and wanted me back..... lets see i would rather poo in my hand and clap!!! If you can't love me at my worst you will certainly not have me at my best! All these things have hmmm stressed me a little but what i have done is deal with it rationally and in a good manner and really stepped back from the situation. I have told her straight all i want is to give you some money to move on in mediation sort out child care and we are going to move on with our lives seperatly. i start mediation on wedndesday..... So s**y Cardiff girl..... She is rocking my world. Things are really good she was away last week and her daughter stayed with her grandparents so i have stayed over her house 3 nights this week. Drank too much wine Thurday night walked and talked for hours and hours then went to work yesterday went back over her house kissed cwtched up for a bit then she took me to meet her friends get the seal of aprovel! haha lovely people and had a great night again drank a few beers and me and s**y cardiff girl up talking till 2 even though both have projects on today.... Feels nice to meet someone with so much in common and really like her a lot!

So life is good kinda not going to GA as much anymore it really isnt for me! Really loving therapy really loving talking about things and really loving writing my recovery is doing really well. Met some cracking people on this site and speak to 3 of them on a daily basis Gaz Rylex and Change! Also the FB group is great always nice to read!

TO DAY 70 and Beyond 🙂

just caught up on your diary mate, looks like things are picking up and going well.
well done on 70 days, itll soon be 100 my friend. keep it up!
Ben

DAY 78

So fancied a little type and has been over a week its funny as used to need to write a few times a day. Well im on day 78 and feels good. I have had a couple of gambley feelings.... basically i am traveling about working at the moment and walking past bookies that i can just waltz into with no worries as not self excluded...... Scary how there are litrally bookies everywhere. I dont feel the need to go into them just its more of an awareness they are there and i litrally put my daughter in my head think of my girlfirend (s**y cardiff girl is now a little more than just my s**y cardiff girl) and walk on by! i know i am not going to go in there not really urges i guess. Kind of hard to explain...... Really like abstaining from gambling feels good and i feel in control i dont want to ever feel where i was 60 odd days ago.....

I am still going to therapy and i am really enjoying it. it's working for me and makes me feel good and calms me. i feel a lot happier doing this and feel much better i am not going to ga now....... Sat down with my parents had a chat about ga and explained i was feeling low every time i left felt it wasnt working for me. i think that if it was a group of gamblers there who were single dads like me it would be diffrent but one group i went to 5 men in a room all told me that they started ga as wags told them to go or that was the end of their releationship and kind of stuck to it......... They seemed amazed i came off my own back i was seperated at the time with no one telling me i had to go. i guess in a bit if a strange situation. i would say that the average person in the ga meetings i have gone to are people who are married have been told to go or its over and every meeting i hear about how they have had a great week and their wives are next door in the family meeting they all walk out togeter go home together..... maybe you can see why this is not working for me lol lost my family dynamic its not jellousy just feels ackward... not in that space.... they talk about their wives and others are about how their gonna win their wives back... Me i accpeted i gambled for a release from a marrage that didnt work.... I have an issue in not being able to talk about my stress and emotion so i gambled. If i gamble bad things happen i agree. But i know if i feel like this i will talk to people about it i will never bottle up again. thats somthing i need counciling. Not GA their advice is abstain take it one day at a time go to extra metings ring people for a chat....... I have issues like stress doing my daughters hair and my dauthter has a urine infection not one for a phone list!! If i need to get things off my chest i type or i talk to s**y cardiff girl or give my parents or call and also in therapy also ga..... You have to hand over all your money for someone to manage i live alone and have a 5 year old daughter not an option and to be honest i dont have an issue with managing my money. granted i am not going to walk around with wads of cash any more most i withdraw is about 50 quid when i go to the pub and origionally i was using my card but i found i was spending more as not budgeting when in the pub haha. I got frowned upon a bit for not handing over my money its feels like every ga meeting i have been in they are scared that i manage my money and take a recipet have a recipet for the hall. well no as why do i need a reciept who am i gonna give it to? GA is a template to follow and if it helps 1000s of people stop gambling that is absolutly amazing and i have met some lovely people through it so if you are reading this please dont let me put you off or if you go please dont be offended just one shoe does not fit all.

So been working working and more working i have 3 days off in 31 days this is a two day break so got another 12 days stint now before i have 3 days off.... On that 3 days off August 5th it marks my 90 day gamble free pin and having my first tattoo. Im really excited for that 90 day and also the tattoo always wanted one and it is a piece of art not somting silly.

So my finances...... Feels very very good several pays have gone in and i have 100s left in the bank...... I have no officially paid off my council tax arrears and i have just got to pay off managable money for to loans which i can easily afford..... I like being in control of my money and feels good that i am budgeting and living well within my means.....

I still have my daugter as joint custoday which is great to be onest me and the ex mrs ADT have been quite volitile the last few weeks...... She is being a pain about the days i have my daughter and she said we will sort in mediation which is fine..... Thursday had a phone call that mediation is cancelled because she isnt eligable for legal aid...... FFS so was nice and said ok you need to sort somting out. i am not paying her expenses for this isnt the done thing and now i have to pay £240 child care a month for my daugther (yes even though it is joint mental!!!!) Doesnt bother me though saving an extra few 100 on top of my bills as not supporting my ex less for food shop council tax has halved as paid off arrears also she has to pay childcare as claiming money etc etc.... So kind of in limboland.... will have a chat with my solicitor and see what comes out in the wash im desperate for it all to be over want solid access for my dauthter give ex mrs adt some cash as a payout from our failed marrage and want to move on with my life and be happy.

Me and s**y cardiff lady are very happy met her friends and we are really enjoying each others company being open and honest is amazing and she makes me feel so happy and has been there for me recently with the stress from the ex and work.... she doenst realise how wonderful and beuitiful she is. only seeing each other a few times a week as with the daughters we both have and me working non stop but its really good for now and we talk a lot and lots.

He friends invited me over for poker night...... LOL ummmm no i dont gamble sorry. Why? can see s**y cardiff girl feeling a bit nervous. explained bad stuff happens when i gamble and left it at that... How do you avoid ackward questions like that. gonna get more and more as life goes on not really a conversation for her friends.

well time to enjoy some r&r with my daughter been beaten in snakes and ladders 3 times today bit of connect 4 and guess who later bring it on...... have to at least win one of the games... Ps its not for money its for fatherly pride 🙂

A mixture of sadness & happiness at your post.

Happiness that youre doing well.

Sadness of your experience of GA & the false messages the groups you have attended have given you. Let me just say if my experience of attending GA was how you have described i wouldnt continue to attend either.

Your groups advice may have been how you described. But it certainly isnt GAs. Sadly a lot of groups promote the same cliches trotted out on this site, but that isnt GAs message.
GAs message is or should be the 12 Steps, sadly lots of groups have forgotten this.
Nowhere in the 12 Steps does it talk about handing over finances or self exclusion or blocking software etc. Neither does it mention this in our Guidance Code or any other literature published. But this is what a lot of groups focus on. Sad but easier than talking about the real issues isnt it.

Thankfully all groups dont operate like this. Im sorry your experience of GA wasnt as productive as it should have been.

Hi ADT,

Was good to see your post again after a wee break. Was starting to worry a little since like you say your posts were every day.

You need to do what's right and works for you - what you have been doing is working and that's the main thing. It's your recovery and if GA is not right for you then so be it. I like you find the counselling sessions have made a huge difference. You are doing fanstastically well during a rough time in your life.

Keep the barriers up and stay positive mate.