A not so secret diary of a compulsive gambler

Thanks swordfish yeaa man v tough day feel very sad. I have hurt people and i have accepted the truth of this.I have to give her a bit more space now I love her and need to support her and my kids. All people argue I'm not aggressive i have got moody and a bit grumpy but never like that I'm guilty of not supporting wife but if I get the chance I will

change this.

I never realised that gambling and all its trappings was labeled as " domestic abuse " but I suppose anything that that causes distress or hardship in a relationship would fall in to that category at some point , So the council have said this , when she enquired about accomodation ? all seems a little strange to me but what do I know eh ! .

Maybe you both need to do a lot more talking as there seems to be little transparency regarding finances from both sides ?

"Domestic violence is the abuse of one partner within an intimate or family relationship. It is the repeated, random and habitual use of intimidation to control a partner. The abuse can be physical, emotional, psychological, financial or sexual."

This is a situation where a label is no help to either of you! Yes, you caused this, yes, she is hurting but 2 wrongs definately do not make a right so focus on your recovery & being a good father! She may or may not have met someone already but if she has, there is nothing you can do about it & you will need to work through your paranoia/jealousy with your counsellor. For me, Mr Gamble was my closest friend, my life even, 'he' was my significant other for many years so I can clearly see the correlation.

The important thing now is not which people said what but moving forwards one step @ a time with the least impact on the children.

You are doing great, don't let your gambling brain use this as a 'f**k it then, what's the point' (it may try to). Focus on the things you can control & keep fighting - ODAAT

Thank you both I think it was a kick in the nuts. it hurt me she didn't actually say she's moving out mind she's obviously very emotional too. I am a good dad and now I will be a great dad. Don't worry guys day 11 is gamble free and so it will stay. Wish I didn't have a week to see my councillor now mind hmmm. Maybe best for it to settle a bit. Well picked my bambinos up from school. Fish fingers and chips before hitting my sisters I am actually off to ga Cardiff tomorrow night bit nervous about what to expect quite like my 1 on 1 group should be different gotta give it a go though everything that helps. Would like to say in sorry for the running comentry on my wife it is very much hurting me and is helping me gain clarity.

Get it out mate, no apologies needed here, it's your diary & a few different perspectives can sometimes help! Have a lovely evening with the bambinos & don't swear GA, the fellowship rooms I've been in (admittedly all 2 of them) have a certain kind of magic & it's fantastic that you are putting your all into this - ODAAT

All's good Andy and I mirror Odaat's comments ,it's good to get it all out , that's the beauty of this place and as Oldham always say's " It's better to ramble than gamble" .

Enjoy your fish n chips with the kids buddy !

As I stated on my thread ADT785 I have put in a request for contact no problem if not just think we are similar in the way we talk etc

No defo sounds great nice to have a non gambling buddy sounds great!!

Z

Evening Andy,

When I was gambling I never considered it to be domestic abuse but my viewpoint has change on this the further I have gone in my recovery. Never physically or verbally abusive but mentally.

I lied, decived, manipulatied stole and borrowed kept secrets and lived a double life.

Whilst we had a roof over our head and food on the table but with what I wasted it could of been a bigger roof and Heinz beans instead of tesco value beans.

was I living my life like I was having a affair. In my opinion yes. I was ducking and diving spending our money on gambling rather than my family. Most importantly I deprived my family of my time. I might not of cheated in the bedroom but I certainly cheated my family out of a quality of life they deserved by the end I was a shell of the man she fell in love with.

You know what I'm trying to say I've gone on a ramble.

I see you off to GA this can only help you. Listen to the other CG there they have all been where you are. Listen intently and when you tell your tale of woe be honest tell them all you can. After my first meeting I felt on a high.

There's no magic pill to cure you but them rooms have something special I don't know what it is but they make the difference for me

Your doing great your taking it serious and doing lots of things that will help you turn your life around I wish you well and keep reading and updating on here it helps massively.

KTF

Day 12 gamble free. Had a bad night sleep. Thoughts of what my wife had told council when going for a house. I messaged her asking did she say i abused her as would have impacts. She messaged this morning no but council sqid i have abused her by controling all money i calmly told her she controlled all her money. I had no control over this. I lied i was a pr@?# but sorry i never controlled her money argued said she is angry stayed over her mates hates me i askes her straight is she seeing someone else after that pic needsd to know she said no asked to be left alone i said look im sorry im upset too and me being left hanging isnt nice but will guve u space. Its been 8 days not expecting love but feel so shut out and strugling found out on a piece of paper in house shes getting a tattoo obv rebelling. I have little control over my life at the momebt its really really hurting me feel so low in tears here in a train full of people. Dragging my feet to work have no energy to put a face on today feel beat. Still cant eat weighed today 16 pound loss in a month hmmm not healthy really. Ga tonight emotionally a mess worried about it all. I was going to put a depressing status on facebook held back and decides to have a chat in my diary.should be proud about day 12 really angry and low about where i am in life what i have done to my family and myself feel so helpless like i am in limbo.

Morning Buddy , Look youv'e got so much wizzing around in your head right now you really cannot think straight , I know from my own personal experience how that feels , were not exactly the same but when I came here broken 9 months ago , I'd really got to the point of wanting to end it all , I guess what I'm trying to say to you is that " It get's better " it really does but time is the key element here , your'e not going to put everything right or fix your relationship in a couple of day's , a week , a month ! , it may take six months or a year or longer , I honestly don't know but you do have to stop questioning everything your wife does , you said you were going to give her space but seem to be questioning her daily and that's not giving space , she is shutting you out but thats her way of dealing with it at the moment , your mind is running all over the place , questioning if she's seeing someone and what she'd said to the council , you feel hurt by that but how hurt does she feel ? Accept whats she's told you and look after yourself , you have to be well to move forward with this whatever the outcome , so pick your head up and do what you need to do , as hard as it is one day at a time , then when the times right you can start to sort the relationship out .

Just my opinion buddy and tell me to do one if you want as I wont take offence , you need to be well to make things better , so look after you Andy .

Talk to you soon Matey ..................................AL .

Thanks Alan i have been going a bit out of my mind my wife is pushing my buttons in a very extreme way spoken to a friend and calmed me a little he has said to me that i am a control freak and not dealing well with what i can't control definatly true! He has suggested just give her the silent treatment now and if she want to talk to you she can. He has also suggested maybe leaving facebook for a while not sure if that will just rock the boat more. Maybe a few days off the facebook will help me.

Well lunchtime i am Ashamed to say io thought about gambling when i walked out of work.it had an urge from being unhappy and habbit maybe kicked in. Happy to say i stopped and thought about it and then went to Next to have a browse to buy some new clothes. seems odd but was going to buy somthing and felt guilty..... Not sure why put it back and walked away. Need some clothes one i have lost a load of weight and my clothes are a bit loose and two well would like to look nice clothes have always been an after thought with me.

So i went to tesco and bought a sandwich and crisps and ate them feel so full now because of this lack of eathing but needed some energy.

Hi again Andy , glad you took that the way it was intended , I'm not so sure about giving her the silent treatment but just maybe a last txt to say that you understand she needs her space and that she knows where she can reach you if the need arises and just leave it that way for a while ? You do have to accept that you can't control everything in life and sometimes we have to step back to move forward if that makes sense ? , I think you'd be right to leave facebook as it's not doing any favours to keep checking on things , that thing has a lot to answer for sometimes and I'm glad I'm not part of it .

Glad youv'e eaten something , you need to look after yourself and the mind can go a bit loopy when it's hungry . Also really glad you made the right choice and stayed out of the bookies , it's really just going to make a difficult situation a whole lot worse and you know that would definately be it with the Mrs as it would give her exactly what she's expecting , Good choice Andy !!.

Stay safe and well fella and catch up soon !

AL

Hello so long and a very emotional day. Been a hard one.Will say ended on a bit of a high. So attended my first ga meeting. Was very nervous walking in but met the nicest and supportive people. Was really nice to say where i am and what space i am in and be in amungst people who are 6 weeks 3 months 12 months 3 years 25 years ahead of me. I went in there to see what its all about firmly belive that this is a route i need to continue. Just a shame that takes me an hr and a half to get home after a meeting. Why isnt this closer to me. I find it strange that bookies bandits and casinos are everywhere but ga meetings are hard to come by and i cant get through on that self exclusion line emailed sad id get a call back and still waiting..... Look i have baned myself but still want to plug the gaps. All the stories i have heard and the advice given somthing stuck with me with regards to trying to controling things that u cant control. You cant control the rain you just have to dance in it!