Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Hey Duncs...

This new bike project sounds like a winner...wondering of these are going to be used for practical purposes or ornamental? ..sounds cool either way!

Have a good trip home and back into the arms and paws of your family ..

R and D xxx

You do have to have that belief and you'll only ever stop if you really want to. You can't do it because your friends think you should or your mrs wants you to. The addiction is to strong. But as you well know when that time comes and you get your lighting bolt moment and realise what a waste of time gambling really is for so many reasons that's when your future starts to look a little brighter and keeps getting brighter the longer the recovery goes on for. Glad your well and enjoying your new life and good luck with the bikes.

Thanks Duncs

I will be careful ..for financial reasons have to get my head round sharing my space but trying to do it with minimum commitment to long term and trial basis...my extra job is great but also can't bank on it energy wise ...

Winter is heavy duty in my own line of work and manic plus festive season in the restaurant too ..plus I have a home to keep and my doggy who I miss.

I'm still not ready for 24/7 but need to get some thing in place until this house is sold .. A half way house ..!

Xxx

Hi Duncs

Sounds like you've had a ball- and a project looming to boot!

Enjoy whats left of the weekend!

Take care

Irene

x

Hey Duncs,

Fantastic to hear that you had a good time away. You are so true in saying, that it's only US has to make initial steps to believe in ourselves and do everything possible to make the right choices. We need to WANT the change for our recoveries... You are doing just that and i'm more than proud for you..:)

Enjoy your loved ones company back home

Sandra x

Yo,

Fantastic that you enjoyed you break . Always nice to come home though ain't it .

On what you were saying bout the number of posters ,

Maybe their time had not come , but the shear fact they have come to this site , gives them an insight of when they are finally ready to admit that gambling has brought them to their knees , and that they can no longer fight this addiction alone , they will have to coin the saying a safe harbour to return to .

That I suppose is all we can do .

Shiny xxxxx

evening diary.

Today I opened my email for the first time in a week to find two invitations from two bookmakers to open online betting accounts, again these were not generic emails for the junk box, they were to me personal invites, again the same as the phone text I received the email contained my name.

My question is this how do these folk get my details, the only thing I use my email address for is gamcare.

I also noticed reading the forum that I am not alone in receiving email invites.

Online gambling never affected me but I am again a tad miffed at receiving said mail.

I am writing this to chart the fact that 19 months into recovery from an addiction which devastated far more than my own life that I find these invitations insensitive at best and would like to know if it is possible to remove yourself from there mailing list period.

As always Sarah has been the voice of rational in my life, for all the years I caused her to suffer she still maintains such humility and for that I will forever be thankfull.

I will feel safe in the knowledge that today I was empowered to make a choice as the shame i carried for many years as a secret gambler has been turned into a banner I wave for all to see through recovery.

I am trying to address my failings and wish the gambling industry would too respect that.

It has never been the industries failings, The industry has a place just not one for this fella.

as my name is Duncan mcquilken i am a compulsive gambler No bet since 23/01/2012

stepping forward never back.

Hi Dunc... I also get named email invites for all sorts of different stuff... not just gambling but PPI reclaim, loans and credit cards the list goes on. Delete, delete, delete. Job done!

Stepping forward, never back. Regards... S.A 🙂

Hey Duncs...

Miss Marple here ..lol ...just thinking about your post there and wondering if somehow when you have left your mobile number for people on this site ..some of those spammers that occasionally sneak in have managed to trace your email.? .."phishing" or whatever it's called.

I know facebook are obsessed with wanting people's phone numbers now and they are all about targeting folks for ads etc now....

Also if you use the library PCs are they are virally protected as your own? ...sometimes these "forms" that ask you to verify your password are doing it to make sure they are targeting a real person with an email address.

Anyhoooo..magnifying glass away....sleuthing over,,lol

R and D xx

evening diary

thanks sa and Rach.

delete I do, but it does touch a nerve and my point was to log it on my diary.

thought about my relationship with gambling alot today, funny I ran to it in times of need and can't remember it ever digging me out of trouble. it just dug a bigger hole. The wins came only when I didn't need them, or more honestly when I did not chase them. Then addiction would gift me delusions of grandeur and off i would go. throwing all caution to the wind until there was nothing left.

My addiction always drew me to a machine. whether in a pub, at a train station and eventually the dreaded fobt, for me there was something in those flashing lights, like a moth to a flame i would always get burnt. socially this was hugely debilitating as my best friend throughout my gambling life was a machine.

to put a weeks wages in a fruit machine to win a 25 quid jackpot and then not leave until you've put it all back in is an insane act, one I repeated time and time again.

That is why diary i have to catalogue these invites into the virtual world of gambling, because Looking over the recovery fence I can see the devastating affect it would reap on my life.

whilst gambling I could not win because I could not stop.

So I have to be alert. 19 months in the thought of going back is something I have to see the consequence of.

I live in the eye of my storm today

that I respect as without doubt.

My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler.

No bet today, no bet since 23/01/2012

recovery gifts my resolve, gambling I gift my utmost respect.

Stepping forward never back.

Hey Duncs

Good on ya for writing down your thoughts yesterday .I guess when that happens you must feel invaded, scared and angry .....I know I would ..

Had an Internet encounter with a ghost myself a few days ago to be honest ...something that once would have had me looping round and reacting i just felt desensitised to and even more determined to stay on my path.,.always forward,

R and D xx

evening diary

Well had a very late night waiting up for youngest to return from his football travels, Pompey to torquay on a coach and then a nil all draw so penalties ensued. glad for him we won, he rolled in at two this morning still singing lol!!!

Had a busy day today, helping with some research which will pay handsomely and has invigorated my mind again.

My conculsion is when we take a break and enjoy living the return has a negative effect on the mind something addiction waits in the shadows for, to which i am aware of it's presence and will work hard to keep it there.

the last couple of days have felt like i am sat on a seasaw and addiction has been piling bricks on the other end, but through making the right choice and having the right folk sat on my end balance has been found again.

So lily flies home tomorrow and Joe leaves for bestival so not quite a full house but good to see the kids enjoying life too. The rewards of living within recovery affect them too, gladly in a positive way.

As I am fully aware the choice i make affects more than just myself but nobody more than myself.

Today i count myself equal in importance, the voice i let addiction stifle has it's place again and for that today i again made a choice.

my name is Duncan i am a compulsive gambler no bet today.

stepping forward never back.

Hey Duncs!

Well our strong wall on this forum! I am so pleased for you, for gifting yourself and your family life back you all deserve. your posts are so uplifting and encouraging all of us to look at the better side of the road. This gift is speechless, we make choices daily and getting the most of our life's....For your support to others and great recovery progress i have very big respect for you!

I wish you all the best, day at a time what counts, and you doing just that..keep it up and keep striding forward!

Take care

Sandra x

evening diary.

human nature gifted something today, it was there I just couldn't see it.

When I gambled I lived my life through other people. I wanted what they had, whether it be a winner or what they ordered on the next table in a restaurant I was obsessed with everyone else's life.

today i listened to two women on the train doing it, the folk at work do it and dog walkers over the field this morning doing it. more worried about what everyone else said and did and all sounding like me when I gambled.

Well today I smiled at them all, walked on this morning to enjoy the serenity of the quiet end of the field for the reason I went to enjoy my dogs having a blast with a football, on the train I laughed to myself thinking oh someone is going to have there ear bent tonight!!

at work I smiled and carried on whilst the staff played some kind of trumps with each other.

'you have a black cat, oh his is blacker!!! really.

I used to do that, take other folks lives and spend my life analysing them, trying to out trump them through my brash self.

Today I saw it for what it is.

human nature. I was competing with who??

my over inflated ego, my addiction telling me I could be better than everyone else.

well I don't play trumps any longer why??

because why would I.

I have enough going on in my life, I am truly living life.

The boss often says folk want a champagne life with lemonade money, Today I can see that I was that person.

Recovery is the gift that keeps giving.

Today I salute that man who welcomed me here to the diaries. Smiler you said 'be kind to yourself'

Today my friend I can see the true meaning of that I stopped trying to be the oracle.

me I am just a compulsive gambler who made a choice to better my tomorrow. No bet today.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Yo,

Interesting post , food for thought , looks like you filled that shake and fired it right on back .

For me personally I do not think I gambled for the same reasons , mine was defo to escape the thoughts going round in my head. But saying that looking back those thoughts centred around a belief that I was not good as the next joe. So I suppose I tried to measure up to those people you talked about today .

You my dear friend seem to have found a contentment in your own skin, you inspire me daily to find the same in my own , for that I thank you !

Anyways hope you do not mind me hijacking your thread with my thoughts on what you wrote .

Keep those thoughts coming my friend ,

Shiny xxxxxxx