Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Hey Duncs,

Really inspiring post, and thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am so pleased those meetings helps you a lot. It's great to be surrounded with like minded people who are there to listen and not to judge.

Keep making the right choice and enjoy your life at it's best, you deserve it!

Thank you for your continued support

Take care

Sandra x

afternoon diary.

Just popping in with the thoughts following on from yesterday.

I relate to my gambling life in terms of my attitude in the fact that gambling bred a selfish nature that progressed with my compulsion to gamble. I can see looking back I was like a fella who turned up at the lake full of fish and rather than dip a rod in and enjoy with others the bounty that would be there forever, me I would throw a grenade in and blow all the fish out the water, maybe feeding folk for a day or two if luck shone on my side but more than likely I would just cause carnage for everyone by killing the lake, my answer just move on to the next lake.f**k everyone!!

My gambling life caused destruction to many others in many ways, financially, emotionally and professionally.

the fallout of which I will spend my life repairing where possible.

Today I look at that lake in a different light, I want to take just what I need and enjoy catching it to boot Those selfish actions are what I most wish to change and without being consumed by the constant urge to gamble I do feel I am a working progress. I am again seeing the benefits of 100% honesty with all the folk I come into contact with in my life.For me there is no shame in my having an addiction, as I am facing it every day. There are few folk if any that are in my life that don't know it's for me the ultimate block and a great way to educate others of the exact nature of my addiction.

The one thing for me addiction did always have a vice like grip when it was our dirty little secret. It always whispered in my ear that i would be a coward to tell another of my losses, i would be branded a loser.

True if I had kept gambling i would have carried on being a loser, not that i had any more to lose, I had waged all I had and some.

Outwardly I had the pretense i could walk on water inwardly my addiction continued to beat me, in the confines of my own mind.

that for me is the feeling i have in common with many compulsive gamblers i meet those feelings of isolation which manifest into selfishness.

I could be in a room in body but my mind I gifted to my addiction.

It became my attitude and ignorance toward life, I had opinions about everything with little or no knowledge, all founded on my vast knowledge of only one thing.

my compulsion to gamble. the thing I let take over my life.

Today GA has educated me and gamcare has gifted me an avenue to record a journey.

My recovery is the one selfish act i have left but that I know effects others through my decisions.

my name is Duncan I am a recovering compulsive gambler No bet since 23/01/2012.

Thankyou today for helping with my therapy.

stepping forward never back.

morning diary.

twelve years ago today I was working at a private golf club in littlehampton it was pouring with rain and there was only three people in the building, I was itching to get out and go to the bookies, then something truly tragic happened, on the other side of the world thousands of folk were killed in the name of terrorism.

we sat sobered watching it unfold live on tv, I did not cry that day my emotions were bluntened by my careless attitude.

We went home early that day, it for me today is a terrible thing that many did not.

may you have all found peace.

Today I think of that carnage and it makes me want to embrace life.

my name is Duncan i am a compulsive gambler no bet today.

stepping forward never back.

Afternoon diary.

Well I have had a busy couple of days to which there seems to never be enough hours to forefill what I set out to do.

And television seems to be throwing out some truly amazing programmes at present, from harvest watch to topboy, with whitechapel and good old doc martin thrown in the middle, I cant keep up lol.

And in the mean time I have been writing a cookbook, well a book about cooking for one of Joes dear friends who is flying the nest and is off to uni in London.

It has been hugely therarputic and I hope it inspires some memorable meals!!

Tomorrow Joe is going to deliver it with a small hamper of staples to set her on a culinary journey.

There are no recipes as such in my scribblings just some tips on where to shop, what to shop for and most of all how to enjoy cooking, bless she is petrified of the stove and what folk think, something I relate to greatly, all that being said I hope she gets past my horrendous grammer and feeds herself well.

I always think of Ben Eltons student fridge sketch and it raises a big smile as I know it is partially true, how folk's relationship with what they eat is at best a danger to their health!!

So the painting at home has come to a temporary halt, the next thing is the wallpapering of one wall in the lounge, something neither Sarah or I have experience in but are going to set about it on Saturday morning, its only 9 lengths how hard can it be!!

Then once thats finished only three rooms in the house will remain to have a freshen up, to which I hope to get done before the xmas rush starts at work and my life becomes Turkey time again!!

So again a gamble free life is serving me well.

All made possible by the resolve I have to

Abstain and Maintain.

My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler No bet since 23/01/2012.

Stepping forward never back.

Hey Duncs,

Thanks again for your continued support buddy.

Got a bit side tracked there for a bit. Back on track now mind thanks to you and others.

Keep strong my friend

Ade

P.s: Good luck with the DIY project... ;0)

Hi Duncanmac

Thank you for your post on my diary which you seem to do regularly from time to time.

I have read through your last post which is very inspiring, i can feel that you have really done some soul searching, your inner thoughts are laid bear for everyone to see !

I love your honesty and it shines through, what i see in your post is someone who looked at themself in the mirror in january 2012 and did not like what they had seen. Someone who has changed their life for the better and your soul is mending and reaping the rewards. He who seeks evil shall truly find it you my friend have chosen good over evil and I commend you for it. I am looking forward to being in yours and many others shadow, Dark Place

thanks fella's. your words mean a great deal.

evening diary.

today is day 599 in my recovery.

Got home and am feeling the first signs of man flu, but not as bad as my Sarah she came home and put herself to bed which is unheard of.

so i cooked supper and did the housework, made a hot toddy and now i am snuggled up on the couch with my hounds and am going to enjoy the bbc drama i recorded 'the wipers times'

Tomorrow i will catch up with some diaries.

I hope this reaches you all in good health.

no bet today, funny old thing happened a fella three times my age gave me a 'hot tip' this morning. I smiled and wished him good fortune, walked out the shop thinking of faulty towers and although addiction tried to tempt me in I decided to remain in the compulsive gamblers winners enclosure.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

dear diary.

I am rapidly on the decline, lol. I woke up drowning in my own head full of flu!! man flu and the pool of sweat it gifts!!

oh Sarah has without doubt not been selfish here and shared with me!!

schools air conditioning is my nemesis lol!!!

Camping on the couch now with American chopper for company.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Good Morning Duncs

And a happy 600. Trust you soldiering through the dreaded man flu, something these female species just can't comprehend, i hasten to add.

Yet again you bought a smile to this miserable mug Duncs and for that alone i thank you. Hope you and Mrs have conquered the worse and have a superb week end.

Paul.

Stepping sideways, backwards, yet through you and others sometimes forwards. Keep in the cg's winning encloseur, .

Strength

The dreaded man flu. Ouch I believe it's the worse thing known to man lol.

Keep taking the medicine on all fronts mr mac it's working wonders for you and yours.

Inspired, humbled and happy to share your journey just not the flu part lol.

Take care

Blondie x

afternoon diary.

Today racks up day 600 of my recovery. I seem to be counting by the hundred these days, in truth i last counted when i hit 500 days and that number stuck in my throat a bit, as 500 is the maximum payout for one play on an fobt, or was when i was busy ruining my life being fixated by them. so today for me signifies moving on.

So what has changed??

I feel I have changed from a person who for all his adult life made judgements and decisions to satisfy a compulsion.

it started with fruit machines and ended in a complete delusion of grandger that gambling was the answer and took on many forms, either in the bookies or the lottery. I would do anything to feed my compulsion, lie and even steal to fund the next bet. There was no end game no goal, whatever the win it would not stop me, onward i would march.

The walk of shame became the norm in the end, truthfully i would only leave with money if the bookies closed and then i would find my way back the next morning.

Then i ran out of lies, excuses and left to gift my family my life. I had become an empty shell and could not see a way out, addiction had me believe that i was the only one losing and the shame that would bring my family would be too much to bare. I got stopped in my tracks and cycled the 50 odd miles home to set about confessing all.

The next day i walked through the doors of GA and found this forum the following day.

I set out to get help, boy i needed it.

Those early days of recovery are a bit of a blur, but we went to court and saved our house and I found a belief from within myself that i could change.

that attitude that i had toward life became visible to me as completely floored. I can't remember when i stopped enjoying gambling or if I ever did enjoy it.

I know today that when i gamble I do zone out, and become robotic until i have fed whatever i gamble on until i have no more to give. So for me i have only two choices. to gamble and end up with nothing all my life or arrest gambling in all it's forms and grant myself to actually be me.

I spent 12 weeks at GA just listening, like a sponge i soaked it all up, I keep a diary here as a form of medicine, it constantly reminds me why i can never gamble again.

I changed my job, I want to work to live, not live to work to either fund gambling or pay off gambling debt, I have a better relationship with my ma and our three wonderful kids, I have some amazing friends and the folk who used to hang around for the spending spree have crawled back under there stones. Most of all i have my life with Sarah to relish each day, she stood by and did not judge and the love grows. yes there is work to do, debt to facilitate, things to face up to. But through that belief I am no longer scared or ashamed of who I am.

I am not scared to stand up and be heard, in the same breathe i am willing to listen.

Life is today lived through a half full glass. There is always somebody in a worse position than me and I am proud of what I have achieved so far on my journey.

there will be low days, days when addiction is at the forefront of my thoughts and haunt my dreams.

but this i know true.

Nothing changes if nothing changes and without doubt you do get out of recovery what you put in.

lastly thanks to the folk here who genuinely want recovery to work, it inspires.

my name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler no bet since the 23/01/2012

stepping forward never back.

Well done you - congratulations.

Thinking about the glass thing and I am sure mine is one of those trick ones the magicians use which looks full from the outside but it is just a thin film on the outside and the middle is empty. So many people tell me how lucky I am and how much I have which I truly understand but there is that small empty centre which hurts.

Couldn't face GA yet so have signed up to weekly Qigong although on a work evening so know I will have trouble getting there on time but may enable me to accept that everyone has spaces in their lives it's just how we deal with them that is different.

Am slowly making changes as you did, so often things are dependent on others which makes life that much harder but hope has returned to my life at the moment, which is what you offer others in your diary.

Thank you

xxx

Duncs,

What an achievement and inspiration to us all.

I learn so much out of your posts and do believe everything is possible. We can live our lives, ignoring demon in a corner.

Thank you for everything, support, inspiration, sharing your thoughts.

Respect and send you a big hug (((( Duncs ))))

600 days...my dream which i make sure will come true one day 🙂

Well done

Sandra x

Hey Duncs

Wow..what a milestone and more to come..I love that you count in hundreds.:-)))

A real achievement and as Sandra says an inspiration..

Said this before but I hope you can now see just how important you are and always were to your family and to know that so many people care about you and need you...

You're the best xx

afternoon diary.

Had a run around this morning, sorting everything that needs my attention today out.

I feel like a bus has been parked on my chest, or i am back on 30 smokes a day!! Still good old lemsip has abated the funny nose for a while.

now the couch is the place i will be staying for the rest of the day. Sarah is still in bed full of whatever bug she has gifted us. the whippets are enjoying sleeping alot, lazy beggars!!

so a couple of games of football to enjoy and if they are not lively i have the waltons to enjoy( and that guarantees a quiet living room the boys loath it ;)))

I was thinking earlier about folk I used to endure in my life that today through recovery i simply choose not to entertain.

my next door neighbour is one, He used to through me letting him darken my mind for hours every week with his view on life and how life should be lived, he has always got something to say about everyone and everything, frankly his opinions are prejudiced, bigoted, sexist and at best short sighted to which they have no part in my life.

We used to play the euro millions together, for a couple of years i gave him ten quid a week, never got a bean back as we would re-invest any winnings, of course at my suggestion. In truth i think he hates the fact I stopped 601 days ago giving him my share, I am sure he tells everyone i am the reason he is yet to win.

He will never understand recovery, not for the want of me trying. early in recovery i tried to explain a few times, always walking away thinking, why do i bother.

90% of conversations he has start with 'when i win the lottery'

So today i exchange pleasantries and that's all.

Because I have a choice today to Enjoy my life, folk like him have no place, they were imposed on me and i treat them like I do gambling, With the utmost respect but happily from a distance and therefore to no over baring effect.

Another gift abstinence gave.

Today I won't be gambling on anything.

Why would I?? i am a compulsive gambler.

I did win because I did stop.

in more ways than any gamble ever paid.

Duncs stepping forward never back.