Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

DMac,

Great share. What a story that is and I thank you for sharing it with the rest of us. There is nothing better in recovery than a big dose of DMac.

I think these stories are crucial. I have never felt so excited about my recovery than this week. These stories remind me of the path that I am on. I am seeking life change. There is nothing more important than that. We gift ourselves that chance at being the real us and the people who we love the most get to see the real person they fell in love with and care for so much. When I read your story I thought of my own lovely wife and kids and how they deserve my full and utter commitment to returning to my former self. I am getting there no doubt and people like you show the way. I have said so many times and will never tire of saying it again but I want what you have and I'm clever to know that you get out what you put in. This week I have been posting, reading and generally visiting this site at every opportunity.

My impatience continues to test me and I need to work at this. This has been a lifetime struggle however so progress may come in baby steps.

P.S. I bet your calf muscles could squash a coconut. Lance Armstrong with his performance enhancing drugs would struggle to keep up with you on a bike.

Tomso.

Had to let you know still hanging in there by the skin of my teeth but feeling pleasure this time not pride as we know what came after that.

If it ain't broke don't fix it so don't ever change the way you support others like myself as it has been like having a secret fairy godmother ( or should that be guardian angel - more manly) at the end of the phone which is some commitment for a busy family man as you are these days.

I know your help to me was private and unconditional but just wanted to have my thanks in print for others to see.

xxx

morning Diary.

I have read a few posts this morning which I have to say shows the great strength folk take on this journey as they progress in there own recoveries.

Personally I would wish this just continues as this is surely the primary goal, to recover from the destruction that our compulsion to gamble brought to our lives.

Is the recent comments made by the england coach a great example of how folk mis-interpretate things and the snowball affect takes away from the initial target.

There will and is a right to disagree, another thing recovery has gifted.

So onward from yesterdays post, which was cut short as the time I was allocated in the library ran out.

I returned to GA the following week, feeling human again, I had shaved every day, applied deoderant and had on clean clothes. I sat and felt anxious about what would take place, new faces joined the room and the two faces who attended there first meeting the previous week were not present. We did our introductions, I recieved a few well dones from the room and the meeting proceeded with some therapy and then the two new faces gave there own introductions like I had the previous week, I sat and felt like I lived every minute of their stories, like most of us there is a great deal of common ground in our active gambling, we win-lose it and chase until there is not a bolt left.

I was given some literature that day, an orange booklet and a list of phone numbers of some of the room and went home feeling like I had gained again.

This continued for weeks, I would use my diary daily and Ga once a week, I saw it as a form of medicine, some weeks the stories chilled me to the bone, made me question my presence. Why am I here? my losses are nowhere near that bad!!

Then I had a lightbulb moment, a fella asked this question

Which is worse the fella who is a high roller and wages thousands each stake or the fella who took the laundry money all his family had and waged that ??

His answer they are both the same, the money is just the fuel, we use all we have the mental affect is just the same.

This I found sobering, I had judged everyone for too many years.

Time to stop and look at myself.

Recovery has made me look at myself.

To which I hope I have the courage to admit when I am wrong.

My name is duncan I am a compulsive gambler NO bet today.

Hey Duncs

You're right there....I think recoveries are tested along the way and it just is a reminder of how far we have come.

I like how your diary is your daily medicine as it is mine too. As you said in your post on my thread ,sometimes the other halves take longer to heal as we often come on here sicker and don't have the same lightbulb moments that keep the momentum and propulsion high. The recovery can be longer.

We all judge people Duncs so I hope your not being too hard on yourself, anyone who says they don't is lying. We are all profiling in one way or another. I think the greatest gift in my recovery is that I don't judge a book by its cover as much as I used to.

Also I have gained by meeting other people who in ordinary life our paths would not cross and realising we are all struggling with the same stuff underneath.

Always forward...xxx

Fantastic, fantastic Duncs!

Thankyou so much for sharing.

So many questions to ask you Duncs, but for me that's the story of my life, a laziness! The answer is lying in recovery, which you Duncan has faced admirably.

Adversity can be such a gift if harnassed and worked on, it opens doors to our trip, you've opened the right door and now sharing that gift. For that I thank you so much.

I unashamedly welled in reading your post, not just for the depths you found yourself in but also the strength in your good other half. This affliction does shatter lives but recovery can be enjoyed by all.

Your not a leader or follower on here Duncs, your sharing your beliefs in a passionate way only you could do. Your a good man Duncs and for today my strength and honor goes to your good family around you.

Thankyou for your support but more for helping me in slowly opening my eyes.

Paul

Hi Dunc's... so many of us take ourselves to the brink, such is the power of this compulsion we share.

You have done extremely to get to where you are today, head held high and moving forward with plenty of support. Regards... S.A 🙂

Afternoon diary.

Well I am still nursing my knee pain, it is acute gout, I have some anti inflammatory drugs to take and then more blood test booked and a lifetime of pills to look forward to lol, also got some literature on what to eat and not to eat, some of which are worth the pain and one other should be banned from general sale anyhow!! the dreaded marmite!! lol. Yes I hate it!!

So on with the therapy, I have a day in mind that will always chill me to the bone, I had a day off during the week, many years ago maybe ten before rock bottom and Sarah had a day off to.

We did'nt have alot of money, never did truthfully and we set off to get some shopping with what we did have, on the way I said lets just pop in the bookies I will show you the new machine(I think that was the introduction of the fobt or around about that time) So in we went I played roulette with a very small stake and turned it into a couple of hundred quid, to my Sarah a fortune, So she after I think about half a dozen just one more spins dragged me out with more than a hundred left and we went on a bus to another part of town to shop, she was going to get the kids some bits, and enjoy the winnings not worry about the cupboards being empty for a while so in a moment she was very happy.

Me I sent her to 'look' in a clothes shop and ran to the nearest bookies to turn my new found luck into more new found luck.

I remember her being there standing next to me, for how long i'm not sure and watch me feed it all note by note into a machine, zone out until the last penny was gone, tears running down her face and a very sad look in her eye.

The thing is we had to walk home a good few miles bewcause when we boarded the bus I bought single tickets, why??

Because I had plans for the money and with honesty it was'nt going on bus fares or things for the kids it was plain and simply going to feed my addiction.

That episode hurts today, it reminds me that my addiction had rotted my inside for many a year, yes the stakes got raised to feed it's lust but it is the smallest of stakes that leave the biggest scars for this compulsive gambler.

I never took help in twenty years of addiction, I made alot of false promises and let alot of folk down.

Today I take recovery with both hands and writing today will engrain further in my brain why this fella will never lay a bet again.

I simply know what I have to lose.

My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler No bet since 23/01/2012

To my wife, my beautiful wife I know that episode leaves a scar, one of many and I cant heal those but I know how to stop making any more cuts.

I'm proud to share my recovery with you, thanks for letting me.

Hi dunc,

That last post is a real display of what this horrible addiction can do to us. While I am fortunate, in a way, that I don't have my own family to hurt with my self destructive behaviour, I know that zoning out feeling as the losses mount and it just turns into numbers as opposed to actual money. It sounds like your wife is a real keeper, and I hope the years to come will all be uphill and onwards to a brighter future without gambling.

Letting people down is just a part of what gambling does to us, and we let ourselves down too.

Thanks for the last post Duncan, it really made me think. Good luck with the gout, it may well be something my bachelor's diet will give me too in the future.

All the best,

Ryan

Thank you for your honesty on this forum. Have read a few posts back on your diary and it's a very powerful reminder of how gambling not only hurts ourselves but also those who love us. You're so very fortunate to have such a loving and forgiving wife, but it seems you already know that.

Duncs,

Thanks so much for this diary and your posts. You are a great inspiration to me, one of the biggest on here and this is my main source of help. You are honestly helping me which is turns will hell family/girlfriend/friends without even knowing it get the old me back.

You must be so proud of yourself, your last post touched a very personal note. I know the single to town and walking home feeling. I ring fenced money for gambling (about 90% of my income after bills) and I would be determined to loose as much of this as possible and wouldn't stop until I had.

Onwards and upwards dunc!

Have a great Sunday evening.

Hanz

Dunc,

Thanks for sharing mate-powerful stuff.

Best wishes,

Gazza

forgot to mention.... eat lots of turmeric. It's an excellent anti-inflammatory but you have to eat quite a bit. It's certainly helped me.

Afternoon Diary.

Just a quick visit today I have come from the doctors were they took blood and smiled awkwardly, as I sais this pain has been pretty constant for 19 months, to which they told me today that it will be a good three weeks until I can take any medication to rectify it. Still there are always worse off they myself, so onward all be it a little gingerly. Found myself today thinking were has october gone?? only a week or so left and we hit another month.

I like the autumn it is the best season for cooking, the squashes and mushrooms are amazing!!

So today I will use my diary as therapy to gift myself an over view of what recovery has given me in return for my efforts, as I believe through writing recently about my episodes of destruction I will kind of address the mental balance by posting what I have achieved.

First and foremost my relationship with my wife and kids is today one of balance, we talk alot and try to fix problems in there early stages rather than letting them grow, I used to have an attitude were money was the focus of all the questions, as in if there was a problem throw money at it, today we assess things as a unit and the rewards are huge, we spend our hard earnt on whats important and tend to find ourselves in the right place at the right time rather than a constant chases and patching over.

My relationship with money today is one of heathly respect, I think of it like I see food, folk have this weird perseption that good food costs a fortune, well that is true of some ingredients but in truth there is always a bargin to be had and just as delicious to eat, so with money we try to look were to save but when the time is right enjoy a few extra things.

My relationship with other people today is one of a greater respect, as I have said there is not many folk who don't know of my addiction and I use it to the greater good, it's great to know that folk take what I have to offer and I do likewise, as I said the other day to not make judgement about folk, normally on little information was a specialty of my gambling life, that old selfish trait that meant I was only interested if it would fund my addiction.

A better quality of health also came with recovery, aside from the knees I am in good shape, I gave up a 20+ a day cigarette addiction not long into recovery and have lost a lot of weight and generally care for my own wellbeing, something whilst gambling I did'nt care for at all.

Last of all in today's list are our whippets lol, did you all know that whippets actually fly!!!!!

Our two dogs both rescued since I started recovery have gifted me some of the most joyess moments I can remember.

Hovis first ( named by our honourable friend Rach thanks x) who came six months into my recovery, he was only a pup who had broken his leg and the fella who he came from races only so he needed complete training, which took up a great deal of time and most of which fell on deaf ears lol, but in truth has been so rewarding as he is a real part of the family, then in december last year blue, or Mr blue as he is fondly called came. He was in a terrible state when he came, no fur, grossly under weight and a bag of nerves, the first few days were testing, the lady from the rescue actually thought we would return him.

But for me it was a huge thing in my life, I would not give up on him, no way, just like folk did'nt give up on me and we came through. To end the lady came to see him earlier this summer and cried, cried tears of joy, she was so happy to see him happy.

So there is just a few things that recovery has gifted me and mine.

All the help is there, but it is down to making a choice.

You do truly have to want change.

I was a broken man when I came here, a mess.

Today I can see the value of making the right choice.

I dont need to fund my life through a pipe dream, in fact those pipe dreams were my downfall.

Today I set myself goals, targets and funnily I have been rewarded at times, when I least expected to.

But the other side of the coin is there too in black and white, I no longer constantly take those opportunities away, I am content with what I have.

Most of all I have a belief in what I have.

My name is Duncs I am a compulsive gambler No bet since 23/01/2012

Stepping forward never back.

Morning Diary.

Had an hour to spare this morning and put it to good use by logging on here and having a catch up, great to read so many folk are finding a recovery path that is working for them, truthfully it does'nt matter how we come to making a choice, the most important choice, to take the destruction out of our lives it's just great to see folk doing it.

It is a real tonic to read so many diaries that are benefitting from abstinence and what the forum brings, my hope is the diaries of the folk who are new or struggling take great heart that there is a way.

Me I thank you all for dishing up a great big dose of resolve for my own recovery today.

Gamcare I salute you one and all.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hello Duncs,

I have just read alot (though not al) of your diary.

What a fantastic recovery you are having, life certainly is so much better without the G word in it.

I think one of the most important things at the start to recovery is honesty, honesty with yourself and your close family, trying to do this journey on your own is hopeless as I realised from my last attempt at recovery.

Keep up your great work, I will certainly continue to follow your diary for hope and inspiration.

Best wishes

Hope x