Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Hey Duncs,

Glad to see you posting:-)

Doing well my friend and food for thought as always.

Today i have to salute you and your lovely family...you deserve all the best !!!

Take care

Day at a time

Sandra x

Morning Diary.

Well dropped in to feed myself some more resolve this morning and was not let down, thanks Tomso and Captain for the great food for thought, on the flip side the return of Stu who has found himself Gambling again a bitter dose of reality, one I hope will help him find his resolve again to address his destructive gambling.

Today is the first day my knees have not been in a great deal of pain for a while so I enjoyed a long walk with the hounds for a good few miles over the hi#lls atop of pompey.

Our youngest came home as wet as I can remember seeing anyone last night as the Pompey game got postponed at half time due to the monsoon type weather, in truth I cant believe he went!! loyalty lol, will most probally gift him a cold!!! and our eldest whippet blue does not like the thunder, he hid under a duvet for the duration of the stormy weather, which makes me worry about the upcoming fireworks, as I posted last year where we live the local population spend the equivelent to a small countries debt on fireworks each year!!! lol.

I notch up another calendar months abstinence today to celebrate I am going to gift myself a gamble free day.

My name is Duncs I am a compulsive gambler NO bet since 23/01/2012

Stepping forward never back.

Great post Duncan.

As I have said before you are someone I always like to read about and are an inspiration to continue my journey.

Is there a better reward on the world than a gamble free day?

Up the Pompy!

Onwards and upwards

Hanz

Duncan

Thanks for the two recent posts. I am surprised to receive them given our past differences but they appear to have been sent with 100% genuity and I hope that is the case and if it is I am happy to communicate with you.

We are never going to agree on everything and I havent read your diary or that of a number of others for some time as they did not help my recovery and only led to me becoming frustrated and at times somewhat annoyed based on what I viewed as being preaching of recovery methods as opposed to provision of advice and leaving a choice to the user. I have also said my piece on amount of general chat on here limiting good conversation on gambling and recovery related topics. My comments in these areas were not only about not helping myself but also in terms of helpfulness to others and my perception of some users giving some help to others but with primary objectives of helping themselves by putting others down and discarding them if they didnt follow advice given.

I will continue to only read diaries which I have found helpful and friendly however as I say if you post to me and it is 100% genuine I will acknowledge and respond.

Well done on your continued recovery.

Morning Diary.

Thanks captain as I posted upon your thread this is a learning platform for me and the one thing I do know is I am not too proud to admit that I have mis-judged something and try to learn from that.

The frustrations I think many of us have regarding what we read is born out the fact we have seen those mistakes in ourselves and don't wish the same misfortune to fall upon others, but for me the cold truth is it is only through my dedication to my own recovery that I have been able to see my own shortcomings and try to address them, f**k me for twenty odd years I would not have listened to a soul, I recall standing in a public house ploughing notes into a fruit machine, the group I was with sat having fun at the other end of the bar and at some point I zoned back out and drew the coins out of the machine and joined the group to which one young lad said how much you got?? in my reply he said wow!!

My friend sat at the other end of the table said, yes but you should have seen what he put in!!!!

My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler No bet Today.

Stepping forward never back.

Thanks for post Duncan and apology accepted and I believe that re-evaluating our failings and how we react to certain things and in general how we behave whether on here or elsewhere in life is something we can all look to achieve.

I accept that the majority of us on here including you and I are focused on our recoveries from this illness and whilst doing so trying to help others where we can.

I agree we should take what we can from this Forum and ignore anything which we find unhelpful.

For me this means ignoring those users on the Forum who have a different Agenda or who choose not to communicate with me amicably. I just find it a bit sad that a few years ago I could read all diaries without exception and nowadays there are many which I dont find helpful and where many entries are inappropriate.

I do feel Gamcare have let standards slip and should manage the scope and entries on the Forum more than they do for the general benefit of all.

Morning Dunc.

Hope this finds you well.

All the best,

gazza

Morning diary

Thanks gazza as always great to hear from you, glad Ga is still very much working for you too as it does me.

I spend a few hours a week in the company of fella's from my GA and the one thing I will always take from that is this.

For me putting my addiction in the spotlight has gifted me the ability to face it square on, the folk that are in my life know only too well what gambling did to my wellbeing and for me taking away the 'secret' from day 1 has served as my best weapon.

Addiction manifested me to become incredeble withdrawn from real life and through my addiction my own self belief had made me feel huge shame and with that I became a silent addict, too scared of losing the opportunity to gamble was what addiction made me believe, that the answer was still in a bet.

Truth is through not telling others I became more destructive and today I relish the fact that the tables are somewhat turned. I today see addiction as I was 21 months ago a sad excistence cowering in the corner, looking to feed on any scraps it can find to work a way back into my mind.

for me the gloves are off, I will fight as dirty as my addiction did me, and that for me has come through starving it's power. The power to keep it a secret.

I to that point see were some folk here get therapy by posting what others see as irrelevent things and of no use to them, me I see it as therapy, Gamcare is to some folk what my Sarah is to me, thier best friend in the fight to address what the addiction to gambling has done to them.

And for me long may it continue, I want to up the anti move that 3% statistic. If it went to 4% I can see all the good it would do, because it's not just about us as individuals, gambling, my gambling caused tidal waves to crash over many many folk, too many for my mind.

My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler No bet since 23/01/2012.

Take those gloves off and do whatever it takes to rid the destructive gambling from your life.

Stepping forward never back.

Hey Duncs and thank you for understanding as you are exactly right ..

This is why I had to leave that relationship as my own physical life was in danger, In reaction to my exes schemes I would try and contain my anger ,which built to rage and then I would dumb it down with alcohol ..as the night progressed with more losses online to escape I would leave the house often in the car, and not safe to drive in a very emotional state putting my life and other innocents on the road...this is the domino effect and why often people like me end up sicker than the person in addiction and with greater consequences.

Imagine if I had crashed ...who would be to blame ? The person sat behind 4 screens controlling the universe or me?

My recovery is still life or death as that was the reality for me of living in that situation.

Often the knock on effects of my ex would stay with me for days and weeks yet the next day he'd be up with his 4 screens betting all day whilst I drove around trying to do my job and trying to contain my anger,

I read many posts on here about other halves putting their children's lives at risk ,near car crashes on the school run etc as their mind was consumed with worry and distraction and lack of sleep with no way of escape This is where my path of recovery had to be hardline as my life otherwise would be in danger.

I have huge respect for the route you have taken as with everyone on here's intention to quit as the bigger picture slowly comes to light that other people are greatly affected if not more and irreversibly.

I will sadly never forgive him as he put his own selfish intention over the lives of others and had zero intention of even trying to stop so for my own protection I have to stay well clear...

So many people on here like yourself have that great fear yet still do it for the greater good and for that I am 100% behind with my respect...anything else I'm afraid I have to apply zero tolerance.

R and D xx

Morning Diary.

I read blues post this morning and it was like taking a knockout punch to the head, I lived that mantra for too long in my life, I let addiction make me think I could'nt give a f**k, in fact toward the end of my gambling life I felt like I could'nt wait for it to all end.

Today I found myself thinking alot about how the world sees me, it stems from reading our esteemed friend Rachels thread over the past few days, someone who has never placed a destructive bet yet this addiction causes her so much pain and all of it through decisions not made by herself.

This is a heavy burden to bare, a load I myself think would have had me running for the hi#lls. Today I am fully aware through my own recovery journey that lifes decisions, the things I decide to do will affect the lives of others, in some ways for the greater good and others in a detremental way. It is for me about limiting my own footprint on those affects it has on other folk.

The world in general I see has a set way of thinking, judging folk on there appearence before they see any action, I used to be steriotyped by folk, 6 foot + shorn head and tattoo's gives the impression of 'thug' to which I won't lie I let happen as it was a great wall between me and the outside world, my own suit of armour.

Folk would cross the road rather than pass you, for fear of what??

The same reception was recieved by me when I told of my addiction to gamble, folk would pat the pockets, check they were still wearing their watch and look to hide the family silver and hold the look of fear that I was about to rob them.

Perceptions are funny, today I have grown my hair out, its the longest it's been for 20 years, it goes all curly and it's thick black, why I have grown it I don't know but the reception I get is the polar opposite to the one I have had for a long time.

Folks faces soften, they say hello rather than look the other way, doors get held open and in general the reception is one of 'welcome'

With this it's funny because my tattoo's are not visible, unless I wear a short sleeve shirt or shorts and when I take off my coat/jumper in the company of the same folk there is a hardening of there looks.

So I like many/ all of us get judged by my cover.

Why do I write/ramble this because it today helps me in my quest to understand that the decisions I make will affect others, in two fold whether I physically do things or by the cosmetic way I dress things.

To end I feel through my actions comfortable in my own skin, still look terrible in a suit LOL

I will learn before I judge.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

How your words take me back Duncan - when you and your brother were teenagers and I a single mum, one of you with long hair and one a skinhead. Everybody thought the long haired one was an unemployed loafer (actually an apprentice engineer) and the skinhead a violent hooligan (at catering college) All judged on appearances. But thinking about life, and our family experiences over the years, it also works the other way doesn't it? Times when our family life, and then your family life, seemed to the outside world to be a bed of roses when in bitter fact they were travesties - worlds supported on networks of lies and deceit created by the demons of gambling. when I read of your tales of shameful days with Sarah when you lost everything I just remember those similar days with your father and my heart weeps. But hey the real strength of your committment now, together with the support of the others on Gamcare, have turned our lives around and long may that last. I know that temptation will always be there, beckoning you to just try one more time to win that dream, but hope with all my being that you will always be able to resist the offer, kick the demon in the face and continue on the path that keeps you within the love of you family circle. I think your honesty in your posts is your saving grace and long may it continue. And hopefully if just one other can take heart from your example then you should feel proud.

Hey Duncs

Your spot on about judging on appearances ..I remember back in the 80s , the Mohican punks of our little town who everyone judged and turned out they were the softest most caring guys ever ,carrying home shopping for grandma and helping people .

My small stint as a biker chick also made me see how the black leather and helmet fraternity in a very different light.

I'm often mistaken for " the wife of a successful man" lol lol lol..which has been said on more than one occasion. I know it should be a compliment but no surprises to me it's not...I'm insulted..lol lol

Who would guess that in the inside I'm a teenage male streetfighter ,anti establishment with the moral code of a mafia don ..lol

R and D xxx

Hi Duncs,

Thanks very much for your post. Great to see that you continue to take those steps forward. Keep up the great work.

Best wishes

Dave

Evening diary

today i have let not only myself down but alot of folk who i hold dear. Today i answered to my addictions beckoning and for three hours went mindlessly at it. The result of my male pride letting me become withdrawn because the finances were to tight to facilitate. So i made them worse by feeding my addiction. The result the same as always. Losses and chasing losses. I came home to confess all to my sarah and fully understand the resulting outcome.

I am off to confess all to my ga room now. And will tonight look at learning from my failings. Failings as a husband, father and hopeless addict.

I sit feeling numb, a darkness returned one i saw coming but was too ashamed to share.

My name is duncan mcquilken i am a compulsive gambler. Foolishly i did bet today.

Hey Duncs...

Man..cmon pull yourself together. You are not failure or hopeless addict. It's a slip. You are back on straight and narrow straight away. Don't beat yourself up...which you start doing already..it will not help, trust me..

We do feel it coming sometimes and try to override it ourselves. That's how i slipped. I have to keep hold on my diary..it is the reality. It's strange, but i feel if i let it go i am on my own. And i will NEVER be strong enough to do it by myself. But it's just me. No motivation no desires at the minute.

You are still Duncs which i respect with all my heart.

Stay strong and true to yourself

S x