Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncs

Have been thinking about you today having ready your posts this morning. You have been an inspiration to me through your posts and when you welcomed me to the recovery diaries.

You gave me support when I needed it with my son and said

'One day at a time life will improve'

Life is hard ... I worry every day about my son and have to take one day at a time ... So please Duncs take one day at a time and keep posting .... Thinking of you Jx

Evening diary

thank you one and all for the kind words and support. Today is day one gamble free( honest to myself). For me the beginning of a new phase in my recovery. To which i admit my own foolish decision brought me to but from it i will embrace it with a new vigour. Those blocks work and if kept in place will mean the gamble is impossible, the triangle works and is firmly back in place today this time i will work on two being taken out, but the truth is the blocks today have to be a gift to myself of time. In that time i need to work on my defects, the emotional state that lets addiction back through the door. My self esteem and own well being has to be maintained for me to achieve my own goal total abstinence and therefore gift a continued better life to the folk i hold dear. I will do this with total honesty and know the road will trawl up some things long buried in the past but i have to deal with them to move forward. Today through this forum i booked some one to one councelling for next week, to which i will hold an open mind and hope to add this to my armoury. Sarah i hope takes some strenght from what has been said here today and thankfully continues to be of great support. For that i am humbled. For my mum and ed it manifested into anger and i hope this provides them therapy of their own as the 40 odd years of witnessing addiction i understand surfaced in this form as i know they did not see it coming. That is todays biggest lesson for me, that i used to talk to folk about those urges and the ever present addiction, something of late i tried to tackle single handed. The result three hrs emotional destruction.

Today a new day, dusted down and once again my gun in its holster, it will remain for life, again today i choose not to fire it.

My name is duncs i am a compulsive gambler no bet today. Stepping forward never back.

Good for you DMac. Always a fighter.

Tomso.

Hey Duncs ..

Full respect to you and truly a big man in my book.

No matter what you are a person who has a heart of gold and the courage of a Lion...

Duncs shaken ..but recovery not stirred xx

Night night

xxxx

Duncs

All the best with the one to one ... My son had one to one sessions arranged through Gamcare, I think it was the most positive part, after his admittance to gambling. Tracey his counsellor was so supportive and gave him the encouragement and self belief that he needed - she was a great strength to him when he spilt up from his girlfriend ... A time when I was so worried he would fail - the counselling made him a better person with a great outlook, it made him look at things from a different perspective ... I know you can do it ... It takes courage, but it will make you a better person in the future - you can see from your posts that you are greatly admired and will come through this stronger and this will build a better future for you all xxx thinking of you this weekend

Thanks Duncs for your support in the past Jax. Xxx

'Its not how we fall but its how we get up again that defines us' Feel that quote is quite appropriate for you Duncs.

Strength and honor

http://youtu.be/LODkVkpaVQA

Hi Dunc's... there we go my friend, back on the recovery boat, onwards and forwards head held high. Have a positive day, am sure you will. Warm regards... S.A 🙂

Morning Diary.

Thanks again for all the kind words, today the numbness has been replaced by frustration, anger a want to destruct.

I know this feeling well, previous to my recovery process I would have found a way to get money, fabricated a load of lies and gone at it hard, to what end??

To try and re-establish myself as the alpha, to take away the feeling of defeat and self loathing or simply to run from the shame.

I am totally honest in the fact that all my life I have run away from situations rather than face them square on the chin, a cowardly act born from the fact that as a youngster I learnt if I became invisable I would not be involved in the ensuing carnage, it seemed the way to have the blame apportioned to others, the things that went wrong were not of my making.

When folk spoke to me I would have an answer, I would out trump them with my own tale of woe or fairytale of good fortune, I suceeded in becoming a great liar.

That trait through recovery has been the biggest thing I have worked upon, I no longer lie to myself and not to my family either, I walked through the door on thursday to ask Sarah for help to ensure that I do not fall foul to gambling in the same way again. I dont want to be the one who is right all the time, as I know that can't be possible, I want to learn and enjoy life.

The episode of gambling on thursday was born out of me letting my addiction kid me into thinking that the 'free money' that gambling gifted me was there for the taking and that boy I am owed a fortune by the bookies!!!

I let addiction kid me into thinking I could double my money and get back to normal, just take some of what I am owed.

Truth is I am not owed a dime, not a single penny is owed to me by any bookmaker in the universe, I waged that money because I am a gambler, a compulsive gambler.

The fact is I am the one who is flawed, I am fully aware in the cold light of day what having a bet will do to me, more destructive things emotionally and financial ruin.

So what did the episode gift me, I believe that I am today 100% honest in my commitment to recovering from the addiction that has consumed my life.

Once again I will stand in the eye of the storm, I will leave no stone unturned in my quest to remain in abstinence.

I will no longer run away from recovery, however bitter a pill it tastes, however I dissagree with what folk's point of view is.

Why??

Because that is were I have learnt a great big lesson this week one I cannot put a price upon.

Recovery is about a belief in yourself, the ability to from that belief make a decision that betters the outcome of your own journey, it is as I have said many times before the one selfish act I will gift myself.

To take what I believe in and rather than question it commit to it, it has served me well to this point and I have great faith in its continuance.

My name is Duncan McQuilken I am a compulsive gambler NO BET today.

Well done Duncs and well said!!

Your strength to want to continue to abstain will carry you through your recovery journey.

Take great care.

Feb.

Hey Duncs

You are always the top of the alpha tree in my eyes always have been and always will..

You posses the qualities in a person I respect , guts ,honesty, courage and by courage I mean doing scary things DESPITE great fear , a big heart ,kindness, generosity , no pretensions, a grafter giving 500% and also humility ..WOW ...that's a man to me.

R and D xxx

Slightly weak at the knees and swooning

Hey Duncs,

Glad to read you are straight back on the wagon. It takes strentgh to aknowledge the slip and learn from it. I'm echoing great ladies Feb and Rach here - you got it all to survive through this battle

Keep it up and sure believe in urself

Sandra x

I appreciate your honesty, Duncan. I think, perhaps, you've just experienced a pruning... one that is only going to make you more fruitful! Best to you.

It follows the pattern of a loss or bereavement and screws with your mind but you are strong enough not to chase.

Never feel alone in this and take any help from any source as you have such an open mind on accepting and understanding.

Stay safe

xxx

Morning Duncan

As u know my views are u are the one that led the way in my eyes and I guess many others on this site think the same that in itself brings enormous pressure

We are all the same compulsive gamblers and in life everyone makes mistakes and that day u simply made a mistake as u well know its how we deal with it after that what counts and admiraly u did the exactly the right thing admitted it start to deal with it and move back on track

That's why you still at the top in my eyes u dealt with it the way it needed dealing with an example for anyone who has a slip, keep looking at the big picture a man who was on his knees at the jaws of defeat who turned is life around and inspired so many in their recoveries and to where u r right now, never forget that

We are not here to judge only to support and that u av shown consistently whilst helping others, in ur many wise words be kind to urself that day u may av lost that battle but u will win the war

Full respect to u as always

Castle2

Evening diary.

I thank you all for the ongoing support. I learn something from each post and thank you all for it.

So last night we re set my phone so i can visit my diary and post on it from wherever i am again, a tool i will put to good use in the future.

Had a good talk with sarah today, another brutally honest look at myself and together working through what i can do to abstain and maintain. We concluded that i have to learn to deal with the little things that happen, get said not to bottle stuff up, from the neighbour saying something out of line to sarah or something i read that riles me. Sometimes the silliest comments send me into a mental melt down, to which i have been bottling it up, not wanting to upset the apple cart. To add to this I think in recent weeks my mindset had sort of stopped recovery. Did i think i was cured? Maybe i wanted to, folk assumed i was, that gambling was gone, a thing of the past. This for me is without doubt the worst thing i can ever do. I need to hold in my memory that gambling had me licked, it won fare and square. I am proud to admit that, as i dont feel shame in the defeat. The odds of winning by going at it are stacked against me, i cannot win, i cannot stop. I will live with my addiction on my sleeve for the rest of my life, it wont leave me, i wont turn my back on it again, i will stare it clean in the eye. To live in harmony with it means not lifting the carpet and kicking it under again. I love the fact i learnt another valuable lesson today, for me best of all as it was shared with my best friend, my beautiful wife. Sarah today you told me how much you love me, it is unconditional. That i give back the same.

Today i looked at myself in the mirror, the tired lines of the sleepless few nights that the events of thursday showed me another lesson, i shaved and scrubbed out my pours, that left me feeling fresh, be kind to yourself i said to my old friend who stared back.

My name is duncan i am a compulsive gambler no bet today. Stepping forward never back.