Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Ps ..you think you've got problems with Movember ..just wait till I start my own err crusade in Decembeaver ...lol ..the itchy and scratchy show!

Yes..I fully expect a GC edit ;-)))

Xx

Morning Diary

A is today for attitude, an attitude toward my addiction that has served my own recovery so well.

I have an attitude that my glass is still half full, recovery has gifted me in 21 months far more knowledge about life and how to live it than 21 years of gambling ever gave.

For me gambling was never a harmless pastime, no hobby it was from the beginning a home for a warped sense of reality, a place to find the answer to all my pipe dreams, to escape the sh#it ratrace and win your way to better things, that I got something for nothing feeling ate away my drive to work hard for things, it truly did rot me from the inside to the out, Gambling made me view life in a twisted and bitter way, that my misfortunes were the results of others good luck and no matter ho0w hard I would try gambling made me feel like life is not fare.

So recovery changed that, oh yes big time, recovery gifts me the opportunity to live in the here and now. Fare enough there is still the same sh#it in my life, life is hard, my relationship with money has always been poor and there never seems to be enough of it to go round, but look at the bigger picture, the one I was gifted yesterday and ATTITUDE goes a long way toward doing what is rewarding to both the mind and the wallet.

Today I am proud to say that I wont be giving in to my addiction, my compulsion to gamble can ride shotgun again, but I today just for today hold the riens, I am in charge.

21 months ago I started building a wall to keep addiction on the other side, it worked well for a time, I did shut the door but did not lock it.

Today I don't have a wall but today I have thwe attitude that helped me build it, and that attitude is for me that gambling is in my life unacceptable, it is simple not an option.

Why??

Because for me it's simple, gambling made my vision impaired, it distorts my outlook makes reality a distant blur, because today I am proud to say my name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler and I choose not to place a bet of any form today.

The odds are ridiculously stacked for one outcome.

Losses, followinig losses.

Just for today ABSTINENCE my A game

Stepping forward never back.

Good movember Duncs

Love your rousing drum beating posts.

Your bang on, it is about attitude. Understanding that we're pretty much all the same, but we got blinded by our compulsive natures. Eyes wide open with abstaining and retaking hold of the reigns. Its about each and every one of us to respect this side of our personalities and learn to respect rather than fear the addiction that have blighted us.

As always wishing you well and keep that glass half full

Good movember Duncs

Love your rousing drum beating posts.

Your bang on, it is about attitude. Understanding that we're pretty much all the same, but we got blinded by our compulsive natures. Eyes wide open with abstaining and retaking hold of the reigns. Its about each and every one of us to respect this side of our personalities and learn to respect rather than fear the addiction that have blighted us.

As always wishing you well and keep that glass half full

Hi Mr Duncs

Thanks for your post, also for your continued support over the past months.

I do enjoy reading your posts and it makes me happy to see you posting with renewed vigour.

Keep up the great work Duncs

Take care

Irene

x

Hi Duncan,

You said your relationship with money has always been poor. I used to think I was very sensible and practical about money but have changed my mind, even about my thinking way back before gambling. A while back I found this link when I was thinking about my own relationship with money. I'm not "religious" (though am exploring spirituality more than before). At any rate, some of the the slides provided me some food for thought and maybe they'll do the same for you. Best to you!

http://www.beliefnet.com/Well…l-Ways-to-Approach-Money.aspx

Hi Duncs,

I hope that all is well.

Best wishes

Dave

Duncan

Good to read your post acknowledging your 21 months in recovery. I believe that is a true picture and much more relevant than if your were to count in days since you gambled a few weeks ago.

Dunc.

Continued best wishes mate.

How's GA working out for you?

Enjoy your weekend,

gazza

Afternoon diary.

Gazza fella Ga is a huge part of my own personal recovery, the support in the 3d sense is something I will not be leaving behind, for two hours a week the dose of resolve it gifts me is truly outstanding.

That coupled with the support I am recieving from the forum and my family is for me the answer.

Captain regards my commenting on being in recovery for 21 months this is I know a true fact but for my own recovery today is day 15 since I had a bet, I will not be counting the days on my diary but without doubt the 31/10/2013 will be engraved on my mind and in my recovery as this is a true statement of fact to which I will celebrate the milestones reached from it.

For me, for folk to go for a period of continued abstinence takes a great deal of effort and dedication, for that fact alone I salute those who are in the 3% who have a years continued abstinence, me I m back in the 97% who have not gone a year without a bet, to which I know that with hard work and effort I will again become one of those 3%. This is without doubt my next goal, I gave my one year pin up and next time I collect it I won't be cashing it in, that I can say today is where my mindset is, one day at A time I again want to be one of those 3%, I actually want to, wish to make it 4% why not??

Gambling does have not place in my life, for me to gamble is unacceptable, f**k I am a compulsive gambler, I know what the outcome will be, losses and self esteem battered.

Just for today No thanks.

Today I hold that A for ABSTAIN and MAINTAIN high and proud because today I really did win, my beautiful wife told me she loves me, my kids smiled, and me I feel good.

Why not??

I hold the reins

My name is duncan mcquilken I am a compulsive gambler NO BET today.

Stepping forward never back.

Hi Dunc,

Just thought i'd catch up and say hello. Good to hear you haven't let that minor blip slow you down. For me, one blip and its an excuse to get in action for a long period of time. I too have returned to GA back in September. I'm down in east Sussex now but really enjoying my time at GA. I'm gonna start the 12 step program to really learn more about myself and why i continue to harm myself in this way. I'll have to come down to a meeting at Pompey one night and catch up.

All the best

Keith

Morning Diary

Keith great to here from you my friend, If you still have my email give me a shout and we will arrange a meet, it would be great to see you again, you gifted me a great deal of insight and knowledge through and away from the forum, something I would be happy to continue.P.s I could not find your diary!! it's been a while!! too long.

The folk I have met through recovery, have all given unconditionally, that is something I feel is a gift of all our recoveries, because the trait of selfishness that gambling brings with it would surely mean if we were all still at it we would maybe at best exchange a scowl or wish the worst of luck upon each other!!!

Counting days has been on my mind after Captains post, for me as I said the recovery date and the days since I last had a punt dont have the same meaning and I will continue to honour the two for their own merits, they both have a place in my own journey.

I have been reading alot, things surrounding the twelve steps which I myself along with a fella from my GA adapted to suit our own language, with out the 'spiritual' nature I guess and tuned more toward a personal belief in one's self rather than an outside influence. See in my life if you say the word 'god' I simply stop listening, my brain refuses to see how it would be of any help, but re-reading my own thoughts are that maybe for me this means I have missed a trick, could spiritual mean a persons own spirit and how that person follows their own belief.

funny as my belief was blinded by the fact I thought the answer was to be found in a bet, that has to change, the bet has to become my nemisis, surely I have to find a new belief.

Without listening to what the options are am I not just stuck on the roundabout.

I felt like that when I first entered recovery, like I was just doing circles until I could feed, formulate find a way to get the answer from a bet.

For 21 months the joy recovery had brought, the sleep, no anger against the world, the smiles, the black bank balance, the lying stopped and yes life on all levels did, does improve.

But just stopping gambling is not enough,for me today I have the courage in my convictions to sat that arresting the punt is simply not enough, today I am ready to find it's cause and like a tumour I intend to cut it out to rid it's controlling presence.

for that I accept the blocks, they gift me time to get things right, I will gladly pin my ears back and listen, take all the help, advice and guidence I can.

Why??

Because once again I am proud to say I am a compulsive gambler NO BET today, I don't have the answers, if I did the operation would have saved me the episode that occured on the 31/10/2013

Today I feel like a sponge, I want to soak it all up, the good the bad and the ugly.

As it will keep me

STEPPING FORWARD NEVER BACK.

Duncs. sorry if it was incoherent rambling but for this fella I lived every word.

Evening diary.

I read a few diaries today one of which struck a cord, it was a post about how the coming to the forum at first gave hope but has turned into one of frustration due to all the recent relapses, this landed like a knockout blow, again the affects of gambling. The action of gambling has a for me the compulsive gambler a negative affect on folk i dont even know. Gambling for this reason among many truly has no place in my life, to gamble creates waves of tidal proportions. I also read alot of threads on another forum today which seems to contain alot of folk who 'used' to be gamcarers but like the the author of the diary i read today became disillusioned and left, in leaving did they create a void, did they leave before their time, would sharing their stories have helped create a better balance? For me it comes back to maths, the statistics dont lie there is a very small amount of recovering compulsive gamblers who stay recovered, or is this just in the recorded sense? Is there just as many recovered compulsive gamblers out there who dont share there recovery so the statistics are slightly floored? For me the fact is that the outside worlds view of us the compulsive gambler is by and large one of a group of lost causes, we dont help ourselves enough so why should they care?

I take these findings from reading the many published articles regarding problem gambling and the public replies/ opinion on the issue. Yes you could say only extreme views are posted but given the statistics if the shoe was on the other foot so to speak how would we react? I have read many threads here saying if our partners behaved like we did how would we react? Run for the hi*lls !

So today i found myself trying to think of how to address the balance? The answer for me today came with three words.

No bet today.

As surely this is the only answer to gift all those questions. To do this and hope many others do likewise.

My name is duncan i am a compulsive gambler no bet today, stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

Well I am sat in the library waiting for a doctors appointment, I was awoken at 4ish this morning will a new bout of pain in my knees, well the left knee to be precise, I hope he either gives me some decent pain relief or a saw!!!!

Sat here in an alien library to the one I usually use, this one is local to the surgery so it serves a purpose, but the difference is polar compared to the one I normally use, this one is full of 'rubber necks' lol the fella sat to my right has read more of what I have written than he has used his own pc!! oh he looked the other way lol!!

I am sat wondering if that's how they fill their day looking into what other folk are up to, today I know how our dear friend Rach feels!!! Me I have grown a thick skin and the fella can read away, if it makes him happy, then me too!!!

great to see SA pass through a years continued abstinence, just what this forum needs in my mind!!! Well done my friend and done which such a wonderfull humility.

I thought alot about my thread this week and how it really is a great therapy, that by writing my thoughts here I do two things dump the unwanted trash on my mind and secondly and most importantly I learn, my willingness to learn is unrelenting and I am today taking down all the bounderies I had in my quest.

a few weeks into recovery I was given a book to read it's author a compulsive gambler in recovery, to which I when given I reacted like this.

'I am not reading a book written by a compulsive gambler for compulsive gamblers that is published and makes that fella money' as at the time I viewed it as an insult that a compulsive gambler would make money, surely he would gift the book!

In truth life is not like that is it??

there is no gifting, it is each man for himself, a very commercial world.

Well today I will use that to my end, another feather in my cap, why not read it, it can only help.

And in doing so I do the same, look out for myself, and the cycle begins.

Not a cycle of devestation, a cycle of continued recovery.

One which today I take with both hands and open eyes.

My name is duncs I am a compulsive gambler NO BET TODAY.

Stepping forward never back.

Hey Duncs,

Thank you for your encouraging post and i have a great deal of thought about it. I might still be rushing into things and trying to bite more than i can chew..

At the minute i live to work and it's taking big tool on my psychological well being. I either need to start taking it easy and deal with issues at work calm way( easier said than done) or look at no1 first and my health and try something less stressful. it is two way street and i might just need to reach the limit to make a step or learn to go with a flow. only can learn..and i am working on it 😉

Oh you made me laugh about your " buddy " in library lol...i don't know what they trying to get out of it all by sneaking at other ppl business.

You doing fantastic and keep up the good work in your continued recovery.

Huge inspiration as always!!! Thank you

Day at a time

Sandra x