Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Hi Dunc's and thanks for your continued support and gracious words... it all helps 🙂

Just been reading your thoughts. When I use to go to G.A some of us use to replace the God word with Bob. I was more likely to absorb the full meaning when God became Bob. It also got us laughing, good medicine in itself.

I hope your leg pain eases. Physical pain is a toughy isn't it. I went running today and got a blister. It stopped me in my stride. Most annoying it was but there we go, that's life eh.

I find some people are nosey, cos they are malicious and vengeful in nature. Other people are perhaps just nosey out of curiosity or boredom and mean no harm. Spotting the difference between the two is not so easy. All the best Dunc's.. warm regards... S.A 🙂

Hey Dunc,

Good to see you're right back in the saddle after your fall... I'm sure there's no need to go over that old proverb though! I'm with you in the 97%, although for a while I thought I had it beat and was in the 3% for good. There we go, the proud becoming humble is good for the soul I'm sure.

I think what I've learnt is that I do need the reflective time that comes with posting regularly on this site, and that when I did drift away, my guard became less, and once the stress struck I was back to old habits. Its easy to say now, but that won't be happening again.

All the best

Ryan

Morning diary.

Thanks for the kind words folks, I do learn a great deal from what you all write, not just on my own thread but the many others here.

I feel good today about the outcome of my actions since the 3 hours of madness I gifted my addiction 3 weeks ago. Today after reading many more threads than I managed to post upon due to time constraints I am further enlivened by the quest to live in harmony with my addiction.

I read a thread that the author said they wanted to 'hate' gambling to which for me would be a great waste of my energy, to hate something in my life means for me I will gift it the upper hand, I will draw battle lines, the wrong ones, become all vengefull and want a fight, again the wrong sort of fight, in regards to gambling I know for me this would mean I would want retribution for my losses and go back at it, futile battling which would result in yet more losses and destruction.

So again I today fully accept that gambling 'won' it had me licked, beat me at my own game, it is a horrifying list of financial losses and emotional devestation has led me to 'hang up my gloves'

Yes I am still punch drunk, there is issues financial and emotional injuries to deal with from my 20+ year career as an active compulsive gambler but I today accept the loss.

For that reason I don't hate gambling, I can hate the fact I have addiction, there is a war I can wage, because today I know it is a war I can win, I hold the key.

Today I am again on a winning streak, my Sarah and our wonderfull kids are enjoying it too, in time which we have in abundence those injuries will become legacies which we will use to continue to use to our gain.

There is a way for me to win, only one to which today I take with both hands.

My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler NO BET today.

sepping forward never back.

Duncs ..

I also feel gambling won , so I understand what you are saying. I also have waged a war against it very publicly and perhaps that war gave gambling more power knowing that it destroyed a part of me that has gone for good.

Like you all I can do is work on acceptance and loss.Truthfully I see it like a virus that has infected me but I have to find a way to live with that virus inside me and not take to my bed and stop living.

Without fighting it I feel a doormat but as Sandra says I have to remember I'm human but in my mind being human was weak and I have always prided myself of being superhuman and able to overcome any challenge.

This had me beat though.

I don't hate that you have an addiction Duncs but I hate how it can hurt you . I also know you hold the key.

Being on this forum has truly helped me to separate the person from the addiction. I could not do that in real life but I can on here.

For most everyone on here I see gambling as a separate entity and not an Inherent part of them. This forum has allowed me to see the person/ people behind who is just like me.Gambling takes away the people until we don't recognise them anymore and all we can see is the addiction.

You keep on that winning streak Sir Duncs with your family as it suits you far far better.

R and D xx

Morning Diary.

thanks Rach again it is good to read that I share the feeling with folk from the other side of the fence.

This morning I relate to the feeling of very early in my recovery, Addiction whispering in my ear that today to have a punt would not be too bad a thing, as it is not many days to count back to my last bet, it was saying fella it would be easy to get those 21 days back!!! This I see is were counting days is not at the forefront of my mind, at present I am very much in the one day at a time, because for me to count feeds the negetive side of my brain, gifting addiction a mental victory.

Regards formulating well truthfully that never went away, my brain formulates with numbers constantly. Everything I do my brain works on the numbers, calculating everything by 35!! writing that brings a smile because looking at it in black and white I really can see the madness of pitching your dreams on such short odds, the fobt for me my nemisis, the thing that I would always turn to, the quick release, the instant outcome one which in truth would actually only feed very small wins in proportion to what I actually waged through my gambling life. The truth and a weapon, my weapon of choice today is those ridiculous odds, I would need to wage the maximum stake on one number and it repeat 400 times for me to break even.

If those odds are tempting I told my addiction then you need locking up in a padded room.

So today I can look at those losses and draw a line in the sand as for me the relationship I had with gambling and the financial outcome bore no reason to why I actually gambled, I actually looking at the black and white am in history the worst gambler ever!!! I went back over and over, raising the stakes on a bet which the outcome of which would be loss.

today I actually see in black and white the difference between myself and any gambler who speculates a modest amount which if produces a winner they actually win.

This is very sobering and fantastic medicine for me, I understand it may be for some folk difficult to read, the mention of numbers/potential triggers and so forth, but today I make no appology for what I write as it is the 100% truth of the matter.

I only gambled in a bookmakers and whatever the weather would always end up playing the fobt and today I understand why I cannot return, because for me, gambling will just bring mental torture, I will return to thinking small in what should be the big picture, because the fobt will not answer any of my financial woes it will only add to them and in short it would for me be a form of self harm.

If my episode three weeks ago was a cry for help, I have answered it, recovery today is for me about smashing up the stones that block my path not hiding behind them, or side stepping them.

Today I answered the call from my addiction, I stared at it, I live within my addiction and today it is comforting to have the knowledge that I understand it's power.

For this compulsive gambler it was not about the money, that trully was the fuel that feed it, and sadly I stole from myself and my family to do it, I would have stooped to depths so low to fund a bet to I am humbled by the love those folk still give.

Again I can today give that back unconditionally.

My name is Duncan McQuilken I am a compulsive gambler No bet today

Stepping forward never back.

Wow powerful stuff and inspiring. I have fallen back time and time again. I am on day one of my recovery but I know the maths looking at the small picture. I need to look at the big picture and I will use this when I feel the urges to go back. Look at the biggggg picture man.

afternoon diary

Thanks strange for the kind words, I am dumping my mind upon this diary at the moment, it is working for me.

From the start of my recovery I have been so priveledged to have such a fantastic network of support through here, GA and of course my family and friends.

It is true I lost alot of associated folk through recovery too, the folk I f****d up with, let my addiction get in the way of, too there were hanger oner's too, the folk who seemed to be present when the wins were, in truth they probally are still circling the pond just not mine.

but I did learn alot about why folk are a presence in my life, for that I am greatfull.

The one constant has been my Sarah, she is my wife, my best friend, my reason for living. I can't believe the f*****g sh#it I put her through yet she has never faultered in her giving, she really does give it unconditionally. So the dreaded 'Christmas' is coming and the feelings of wanting to give re-surfice the want to keep up with the jones'es I guess is a fact of life.

This year we are taking a different look at it, we are doing a secret Santa, we the 5 of us are picking a name from the 'hat' and will buy one meaningfull gift for the person we pick, there is a limit to the amount and this way we hope to add to the spirit of giving.

We are off to mum's for a few days and I am cooking dinner, this year no turkey on the day, without doubt one for cold cuts boxing day, but this year no big roast for us, I am cooking, I plan to serve many courses over the day and pull out all the skills I have to do it.

This year my celebration will be devoted to family. My family the one's who have never faultered, I looked at my beautiful wife last night, she is busy making cards to sell to her fellow teachers and I felt her love.

She grows more beautiful each day and I treasure the time we spend together, there is much silence that speaks volumes, she truly does give everything to life and living and takes very little in return.

for this I am deeply humbled and from it am empowered to make the right choices in what I do with my own life.

This recovery has been as bigger journey for her too, something sometimes I think the sight of gets lost, those casualties this addiction raises, the carnage it reaps on the folk around us.

for me I am humbled by the fact I am one of the 'lucky' ones, my family are enjoying the benefits of abstinence.

Again I am proud to write this, to be loved and not waste it, today's lesson.

to my Sarah I love you unconditionally, may we grow old together and not with the difficulties my addiction gifted.

My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler No bet today

Stepping forward never back.

Duncs,

Awesome post mate. We are indeed the lucky ones - to have people around us to love and support through thick and then.

With my fiancee, there have been times when she finds the good in me when I can only see the negatives. Her love seems unconditional, and no matter how much s**t I heap on her doorstep, she holds on to the good things. As gamblers - with compulsive personalities - there are times when we are hell-bent on self-destruction. Somehow, my partner sees through this and always helps restore me to an even keel.

Anyway... great to see you doing what you do best - putting your heart and soul into abstaining. Keep it up pal

D123

Hey Duncs,

Powerful and so honest post!! Be proud my friend, you have your lovely family which always are there for you and you have a great heart to share.

Recovery is bespoke and without positive and kind feelings we wouldn't get far. You keep making the right choice and are huge inspiration for us all.

Take care and thanx for sharing

Day at a time

Sandra x

Hi Duncs,

Just echoing others here. I too am so very grateful for all of the love in my life. And totally get how you feel when thinking what your life might be like without your Sarah in it. Another reason why I get so angry with myself when I get in eff it all mode. Cursing at a slot machine when money is lost. Chasing after losses.. Loss?? You and I both know what we stand to lose. Thank you for the reminder friend about what is really important in this life. Imagining you doing all of that cooking for your family. That is sooo much more important then presents under the tree. Don't forget what a gift YOU are my friend. Anyway, I do ramble.. Take Care Duncs. -joanxxx

Hey Duncs

Great post there and also going back to basics this Xmas as this year I'm celebrating it as the last 2 I haven't.

No big gifts, a small real tree, food being the main thing on the agenda but again I have a budget that I am sticking to and it's not high.

I plan to make cards too and bake and have a very frugal Xmas with £5 only per head on gifts.

No matter what we believe at Xmas it's a good time to be reminded of what's important. Time for hibernation with the people we love and then renewal in the new year.

I know for a fact non of us will be alone as we will have this forum to keep us sane ..

R and D xx

Afternoon diary.

Did youngests paperround this morning as he watched the boxing at a friend's house last night to which I actually think I got hood winked as he knew how many extra advertising leaflets each paper today held lol. But I am glad I did.

Two things occurred first through my listening to the radio on my phone I learnt today is 'stir it day' something dating back to the 16th century and the tradition of Christmas pudding making,not something many homes in today's world do I guess.

Second I read the papers on route, it's like a free catch up on the gossip and sporting news. In one of the red tops I found a two page article starting a new campaign. To regulate the fobt , to cap the maximum stake and to allow councils to decide how many should be in each shop. As the article sensationalized the machine as the cr**ck of the gambling industry. The interviews of folk interesting one quoting ' loading coins into a machine' not something I am familiar with, I recall notes being fed, the cynic says it lessens the image of the true compulsive gambler in action but I read on with interest as it seems mp' s are willingly getting involved along with some group who campaign for fairgambling for all.

So to tie the two together I thought I would stir the pot by posing a few questions, one's I have opinions on but no answers.

Do these campaigns look at society as a hole, the fact that the high rate of bookmakers in certain areas goes hand in hand with the amount of pawnbrokers and high interest loan centers oh and that wonderful institution *** ***??

Is this similar to the tv advertising bingo as a joy on daytime tv. You don't see advertising for nice cars or cruises do you just pay day loans and gambling adverts.

So my questions lead to this.

Iwould regulated fobt's in any way help address compulsive gambling??

Does campaigning in this manner actually hand a victory to the gambling industry??

My own thoughts are simple, if the government actually acknowledged compulsive gambling as an addiction then would the public like with other addictions become more aware??

For me the compulsion to gamble is the dirty little secret of the gambling industry that the industry wants to keep that way.

Regulated machines for this compulsive gambler would. mean I would just spend longer losing.

I cannot win because I cannot stop, my brain knows no rational thinking when I am gambling. So am I alone, control whilst gambling I have none, the industry line is they help.

Truth for me is they can't, my thinking is stop f*****g lying though, there is many of me and for you I am like a boil you just cover up, lift the carpet so to speak.

The fact is I can only help myself, my addiction and I have for life a one on one war to wage,against each other.

Would education help me no, but I believe it will help future generation's make a better choice.

Yes like drugs,drink there will always be addicts. I believe like them we should receive proper help.

Would the government regulate those two addictions by regulating what the addict drunk or smoked!!

No that is plain ridiculous. The same for regulating the fobt.

I will pose this question to gamcare too.

Truthfully what is your stance??

So there we are

This compulsive gambler used his 'stir it' day to it's full potential.

For this forum I am thankful for gifting me a place to be honest.

Today I chose not to wage a single penny on gambling

Regulated or otherwise.

My name is duncs I am a compulsive gambler

Stepping forward never back.

Think my family enjoy many 'stir it' days throughout the year or should I call them 'wind up mum' days.

Jackets were a real success today on the salt so redeemed after the runny mash last week.

Found it scary that I couldn't even stop at the services to get a coffee last week when so much to lose and wondering how I ever find out what I can and cant do as a high risk exercise every time I do a trial run. Have reduced the level of risk by cutting limit on card but frustrating that even with that in place I was tempted.

Agree gambling is the poor man's addiction - literally - and not taken seriously. Whenever I discuss at work it is sniggered at and that in a caring profession supposedly.

Your Christmas plans sound lovely to me, all the important things in life in perspective.

xxx

Some excellent points raised there Duncs as always, the government won't do anything because they're in the pockets of big business, gambling is a hidden tax to them and besides poverty creates a tolerant workforce. All Gambling adverts should be fronted by a glum Gary Gillespie, is that his name? The ex Newcastle winger.

Anyway Duncs, just wanted to wish you well, I read about your slip, anyone else I would have been concerned about but not you. I believe you are an exceptional man and a real ambassador to none gambling. Others would have shirked away from their responsibilities but not you, you recognised you're mere slip and carried on putting one step ahead of the other. One cannot stem or stifle the momentum of change you've made nearly two years ago. You cannot go back to being that same man you're too proud now, too humble, too honest. You tried on his shoes for those meagre three hours and realised they no longer felt comfortable, you've outgrown them.

Keep smiling Dunc you're an inspiration.

Steve

Morning Diary

thanks steve good to see you back fella, again posting from the heart.

Had a day in London yesterday, doing some research for a company and spent my day with 8 folk I have never met in my life, it was a very good lesson for me too.

One fella took the lime light.

if you had a black cat he had a blacker one!!

Every time somebody spoke, he spoke over them, his opinion was the one!! the right one!! it gifted me a look at my former self, I was like that, never had time to listen, consider I may not be the one, I may be able to learn something.

Truth is I am sure every one went home with the same feeling, oh my what a day, a day for me were I got to observe exactly how I don't want to be seen in life.

An angry vessel of hot air!!

So I did what was asked got invited to carry out future work and to boot got to tuck into a really good book, a gut wrenching laugh out loud type of book, one about a fella's quest to play international football, to which he ends up coaching the worst team in history in micronesia. Funny I did want to ask the 'vessel of hot air' if he had played at international level himself!!

So lessons learnt, it rounded my mind into thinking I should set out more goals and targets for the next year.

To achieve things on a personal level is the goal of all this is'nt it?? recovery has without doubt taught me some very valuable lessons of how to extract the most out of life.

The constant lesson of humility is one I believe each day stops me from wanting the lime light, actually I am happy without it.

I have a vision, a path which I tread, one which has gifted me confidence and most of all comfort.

With that comes for me a true happiness.

Gambling was not in my thoughts these past couple of days, it gave me a break, but I know those feelings of 'I will show him who's boss' that lurked under the surface yesterday when an intruder, an unknown tried to breed jealousy, envy and anger into my being

My answer simple.

My name is duncan I am a compulsive gambler Today just for today I choose not to have a punt

today my friend I will again enjoy being a winner.

Because for this compulsive gambler there is no other way.

Abstain and maintain.

The lesson 'each to their own'

I will not judge, therefore judged.

Stepping forward never back.