Abstaining Completely

Hi Ryan,

Welcome back, well done for admitting that 'fun' bet is not for you. I am exactly the same, that one spin would destroy my life. I am not too far in my recovery ( 12 weeks) but i find each day easier to cope with. Of course we have good and bad days, but as long as we can control those urges and don't act on them, we are simply safe. Strentgh and determination, as well as believe in yourself will take you long way.

Day at a time, you know you can do it

Take care,

Sandra

Hi Ryan, I just read through your diary and noted a couple of things. In one post, after a loss, you said " Luckily I can afford it. Perhaps that's why I don't feel that bad (this in itself worries me too, to be honest." Then, shortly after that in another post you mentioned the idea that you could "ween" yourself off gambling. These statements worry me because I remember myself thinking the same way. I don't want to sound harsh but if it might prevent anyone from going in as deep as I've gone, then it's worth it. Ryan, I'm a teacher too, 52 years old and had it all in terms of finances. My house was paid off entirely and I had a sizeable chunk of change in the bank. I'm now in a very desparate situation, heavily in debt and could well lose my house and all the equity in it too. Please take this very seriously and imagine where you will be if you keep this up. Believe me, it's not a happy place to be. DuncanMac often refers to his triangle system....Time - Money - location - remove one of these at all times and you can't gamble. You were wise enough to come on here which indicates that you have some concerns about where this is going. My advice to you is to disclose this problem to someone you can trust (as hard as that is) and ask if they'll take over your finances for a time until you are FULLY confident you'll never gamble again. Best to you!

Thanks for the posts guys.

Carla, it's worth mentioning that when I made the original posts it was in January this year. Prior to then, I had put down my problem to problems in my personal life (the only times I'd lost huge amounts of money before then was when I was going through break ups or the like). However, that time, it was not. I allowed myself to think that would be a one off and I could still control it; hence the references to weening myself off of it.

However, clearly, that was not a one off. Nor was it something I do to cheer me up or similar - I'm perfectly fine at the moment, the money wasted on the weekend was just pure headrush stupidity and/or self-destruction. That has made me realise I cannot control it online and just need to stop completely.

For that reason, I don't feel I need to give up control of my finances yet. I have money available to me now, to bet if I wanted to. The point is, I don't. I want to get myself into a mindset where I know there is money available but I choose not to gamble it - or even, where gambling it isn't even a consideration and just feels alien to me. I'll keep what you say in mind though.

It's Monday today. According to my money saving idea of 20 quid a week, I start today. So, week 1.

Haven't seen you on here for a few days. Hope all is well. Stay strong. Px

Hey, I've been scanning the forums but not been posting. It's a pain from my phone but I have my laptop on at the moment!

I'm on my tenth day. It's going good - been quite busy and that. Was quite tempted for the first few days, but that temptation has left me now. I will keep visiting and looking around, to remember to take quitting seriously last time. Once I'd gone a few weeks last time I tried to quit, I decided I'd be ok with the controlled amounts of betting (clearly not the case)! I figure if I keep coming on here I'll remind myself not to; to quit for good.

Ryan

25 days and counting. Seems pretty easy at the moment, to the point where I sometimes wonder whether sticking to ten pound a week would be possible after all.

That's why it's worth coming back here though, so I can see that I said the exact same thing 9 months ago (and, indeed, 2 years or so ago under a different username) and ended up losing heavily then too.

I'm finding the counter that was suggested on these forums useful; it certainly serves as a reminder on my phone to not bet. Also ordered the Philip Mawer book i saw being posted about in other threads. It's an interesting read so far but, more to the point for my situation, it's a "new" step to convince myself that I'm doing things differently and more seriously this time, in a genuinely concerted effort to stop completely.

What's more, through working out that due to my gambling I've wasted on average £2.50 a day over 3 1/2 - 4 years. it means over the course of 25 days I've "saved" £62.50, on the understanding I won't gamble again so won't have a chance to lose this money. A decent chunk!

Cheers

Ryan

Ryan.

fella you turned on a light.

in doing so you do become a winner.

abstinence for us will continue to gift

'i did win because I did stop'

my advice enjoy those winnings.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks Duncan. Appreciate the comment of what I'd term a recovery diary "veteran"! I've added another 8 days to my previous, so that's another 20 quid saved to make it 82.50.

I prefer your thoughts on it though Dunc, and may continue to call it 'winnings' :).

Ryan

fella thanks for the shout out, truthfully though my friend we are the same, two compulsive gamblers looking for a better way, an edge, a way to stick two big fingers up to addiction.

recovery is bespoke and keep looking for ways to make yourself proud. you are doing something amazing.

Gambling took control of my life, I spent every waking moment formulating and more nights fretting about the hole I kept digging.

Today life gifts, the things i took for granted are things i want to never wage again.

as i see today every time i had a punt i risked losing alot more than money.

for me no odds are worthy of the risk.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

again enjoy it. recovery the gift that never stops giving.

Another 12 days / 30 pound saved. Up to 112 pounds and forty-odd days now. You're right Duncan, it never does stop giving...in terms of time and money! 🙂

Still going good on 90 days. That's 225 quid saved , average wise. Not even thought about gambling, but thought I should post here to remind myself why I don't.

Gambled again. Bloody stupid. Was 500 pounds up at one point on sports betting over the last week; couldn't stop though. The 500 just kept burning a hole. I knew it was inevitable; every time I withdrew I knew I'd reverse it soon after, when more bets were available the next day . The stupid thing is, I almost wanted to lose. It was almost like I didn't know how to stop after a big win. I guess I've never managed it before - always imploded until I lost lots of money - and this is no different. Bets got bigger and bigger until I lost 900 tonight in the space of 2 hours. So now I'm 400 down and have lost more money gambling.

Feeling very frustrated at the moment. The biggest issue is I was looking forward to actually spending some of the money I'd won on actual things. I guess that was never going to happen though, it was always just going to be more stake money. Even if I kid myself into trying to win it back so I can buy stuff I know I won't use it for that.

Trying to not think of it as "lost" money as I'm getting more and more tempted to chase it. Usually, only posting on here makes me put a stop to it and think of it as gone.

Bizarrely, I feel almost a sense of relief that I've lost. Almost like now, I can stop being in the constant betting zone that I've been in for the last week.

It's like a sense of familiarity with the concept of losing; as I know it, I feel comfort from it. I could never stop when I was hundreds up as i felt no familiarity with that; had no idea when or how to stop. Now, however, with the feeling of guild and stupidity I have, I know it's time to stop.

It's quite disconcerting to almost feel comfortable about throwing away so much money...

Rather predictably, I want blindingly chasing the money. As it stands, I'm now down by £1500, which is clearly a ridiculous amount of money. This is the most I've ever lost in one stint and, interestingly, it all started because of a big win (Friday night, I was £500 up). But, as I've read happens in this situation, you cannot stop. You cannot see it as real money.

Obviously, this is a ridiculous amount of money to waste. However, it won't c*****e me. It will - annoyingly - result in me having to pay interest now on the overdraft I've done into gambling.

At the moment, I feel numb inside to be honest. Part of me is reassuring myself, telling me that is a huge waste of money, but an "expensive lesson", because I will learn from this to never gamble again.

Problem is, I've said all of this before. So, I feel like something has to change this time, I need to do something different - more serious - so I know I can stop for good. And then, in all honesty, the money really is minimal. If I can actually stop now.

I think I need to download gambling block software. I've never done this before - mainly because the main problem starts on my phone, which seems hard to block gambling software for. Has anybody downloaded something successfully for this?

I need to do either that, or tell my girlfriend about my problems. She knows I've lost hundreds in the past, but thinks it's all in the past and I'm in control now. I'm not sure I could confess how much I've lost in this stint to be honest, it's so stupid. But then I question whether it's worth telling her anything at all, if it's not the whole truth. I feel like it would make me feel like it's a positive step for me stopping gambling and being honest - that's a huge reason for my guilt. However, I worry that she could then see me as somebody who is not as trustworthy as she thought before.

If anyone has made this decision either way before, your opinions would be greatly appreciated.

So, I'm trying to focus on other things. I can only really focus on the money lost at the moment. What I've got to try and do though is make myself see the money as a final, ludicrous outlay to stop me gambling. I managed four months before this splurge, again seeing an initial 50 quid bet as a "reward" for something nondescript.

I now know I simply cannot control online betting at all.

Ryan

Reading your last three posts are like opening many chapters in my gambling life.

One thing that stands out for me is the nature of our compulsion is the progressive nature of our behavior. The stakes get raised and we seem even less likely to cash out.

I relate completely to willing myself to lose, wanting it over so to speak.

Regards telling your partner, I told my wife, in truth because I had no choice. We were one day from losing our family home to repossession. What I will say is if you do tell her, tell her everything. You cannot hide anything, it will only come back to haunt you.

There is no right or wrong way, for me I share recovery with my wife and kids, there is nothing they don't know. Yes it has been very painful at times, f**k I hid it for twenty years. So today I see them recover and learn equally.

In saying that many here and in my GA room do it alone.

Not wanting to bring shame on there family.

So I have seen it work both ways.

The bottom line is, you are the one who has to want to stop.

Yes take all the help you can, gamcare will help you with blocking software( I only gambled in the bookies) contact netline they will help.

Use your diary to your advantage. Me I use GA too and don't carry bank cards unless totally necessary.

From this there are only benefits.

That mantra, the same for us all

I cannot win because I cannot stop

Is reversed

I did win because I did stop.

Recovery is to be enjoyed, gambling just punishes us.

I hope you find the right path for you fella.

Not one were it takes twenty years of losses and one were you take the risk of those losses where I did.

Duncs stepping forward never back.