After 4.5 years massive relapse

Go outside of yourself now and analyze. 

* Are you unhappy about something else? Family work?

* Foreign gambling sites says that you are blocked at home.  This also says that you are using to get high ie increasing your dopamine levels. That you don't really care if you win or lose just to play and get away for awhile.

* Are you playing every single day? It may not seem like much but 30-50 pounds / night quickly filles a credit card.

You need five weeks to balance your brain chemicals. Ie stop playing for five weeks and you will stop feeling so bad from serotonin getting down or dopamine getting up.

Your will to play is as futile as it gets. You will NEVER win yourself out of anything because you are not playing for that reason. You are playing just to play.

We escape for many different reasons. If you have any unclosed hurts inside. Have a look. Try and find what it is. Seek help. There are great tools you can do today. cbt /gestalt therapy/nlp/hypnosis, the list is long. 

People here will help you with information on where to go.

Now be kind. This is just a small part on a long journey. Forgive yourself. Stand up. Brush of the dust and keep going.

It will get better. I can guarantee you that.

I wish you well!

Best

C

Don't beat yourself up over it.

Day one starts tomorrow.

Be proud of yourself, love yourself. (And get to a meeting)

@c43h While what you wrote is not written to directly to me, I find it very inspiring and compassionate.  To everyone out there (because this may apply to you),  I really love to play sports.  When I practiced a skill to get better, it was the chastising voice in my head that shamed me into improving.  I am more afraid to lose than I am excited to win.  I have a self-destructive tendency.  My gambling was the result of an entire set of circumstances.  It was most definitely an escape from the difficulties/stressors in my life.  Gambling almost feels like you are playing a game.  I lose and that voice comes out to beat me down.  And there are many more losses than wins, so that chastising voice comes out a lot.  Now I beat myself up for ever gambling at all.  As you said, you need to forgive yourself.  That was the hardest (and still is hard) thing to do.  I just wanted other people who have these same tendencies to hear me in case it can help them see they are destroying their lives.  Gambling shredded my life.  Please don’t let that happen to you.
I was foolish enough to get hooked on the slot machines.?. For those still playing these machines, the next time you sit down to hit the button repeatedly, call out on each spin if it’s a win or loss….relative to your bet.  It’s those little jingles and noises on the “almost” big wins and those little wins where the noises make you think you won but you actually lost relative to your bet. it sound great but you still  that keep you coming back/ready to push the button again.  No different than the rats pushing the levers where science tells us that intermittent reinforcement leads the rats to push the button the most waiting for the next reinforcer to come out…. I was an idiot.  I don’t mean to insult anyone…. I quit that form of gambling only to fall into sports betting.  After winning $2,400 on a $3 bet in the first few days…I thought for sure I was a superstar!?. You can see the “whales” at the top of the board that are making $30K/night.  Then they have the money to lay down many bets to cover all of their bases.  Guess who pays for their wins.  The mediocre guys like me!?. No matter what form of gambling….it is designed to take your money!  I really wanted to quit this time.  Before, I would tell myself I HAD to quit.  This time I wanted to get off of the roller coaster.  Never again do I want to visit the dark and lonely depths one reaches in losing at gambling.  The highs for me now come from exercise, communicating with friends, visiting family, working more to earn more money to go do fun stuff.  I cry when I think of the fun stuff out family could have done with the money I spent gambling.  Please don’t do to your life what I did to mine!  Especially if you are nipping it in the bud.  Crush it now!  Don’t ever let it pull you back in!

Respectfully,

Greg

Thank you @gdiddycourogen I appreciate it!

I would like to recommend you all to read Atomic Habits James Clear. We live in the same type of world where a lot of our thoughts ideas and feelings revolve around gambling in one way or another and we need to get out of that sphere. One way is to make small plans. Small micro changes to make big ones later. Learn the art to change and things will change. This book helps with that.

Best

C