My last bet was at the end of December 2018, hit rock bottom. Where I have spent a significant amount of 2018 resorting to stealing from nearest and dearest to fund my compulsive habit. I also lost my job, due to the negative effect of the gambling upon those around me. I am still attached to my work at a very part-time level, until I find something. I have been attending GA and receiving counselling, trying to reconnect with myself. For the first time since a very dark January, I felt I am can start feeling upbeat and positive about the future.
Being, a Muslim, not that is should matter in the slightest, and living in a tight knit community has ensured 'some' have made it their business to inform everyone of my fall. I do look devout, and my work contributes to that, however, I constantly feel judged. I avoid roads, streets, and spend alot of my time on my own, or with a friend or two. I am trying to keep busy, have a few interviews coming up, which can be potentially good for me, however, I received a text yesterday that someone had taken a picture of me in the bookies, probably in December or earlier and circulated. I know who it was.
I feel, rather than helping someone, praying for their recovery, people enjoy seeing others at their lowest. This is accentuated as these subjects are never discussed. 'What you don't know will not hurt you'. Is the statement the community lives by.
My gambling hasd intensified and I had resorted to extreme acts of attempting to fund the habit due to the isolationism it develops. Having no one, and being percieved as sinful, has been painful. The counselling and GA has been a release.
Due to my role at work, some have enjoyed my delevation to being asked to resign, which is a blessing. One individual leaked my gambling and antics to young people in the place I work. This was the nail in the coffin.
I have had a significant, for me anyway, amount of money this week. I am pleased that I have rewarded myself with it, and not felt the urge to gamble at all. I am at peace with the journey that I am on. Life is a test, and every test has unveiled a new and improved version of myself. More humble, more driven and less beaten. I have been beaten by the Gambling. Which is no shame.
The last week, I am waking up very early, at 4am, I am not sure but struggling to sleep again. It maybe down to having money. As I used to have this feeling and get up pretty early in the knowledge I have money and will be gambling today. A learned behaviour possibly.
I hope you all have a peaceful weekend.
In a bit of a rush so haven't had a chance to read properly but just wanted to say good work for starting a diary. It will definitely help you and I hope we can keep in touch. Take care
Thankyou for your message.
Just writing something or anything helps to think coherently and stops me bottling and suppressing emotions. I would say, without sounding like a braggart that I have given something back to the community, in terms of education. Therefore, I do not owe anything to them. Just allow to me to live in peace. I have an overwhelming urge to actually confront the person who took my picture in the bookies, what is that going to achieve? Nothing I suspect.
I will have good day, I will not allow you to dictate my thoughts and feelings.
Matrixx wrote:
Life is a test, and every test has unveiled a new and improved version of myself. More humble, more driven and less beaten. I have been beaten by the Gambling. Which is no shame..
It took me months to realise this. Excellent start. Hold on to this notion whatever happens.
Matrixx wrote:
I have an overwhelming urge to actually confront the person who took my picture in the bookies, what is that going to achieve? Nothing I suspect.
Don't do it. Whatever happens. Underneath I'll explain why...
Matrixx wrote:
I would say, without sounding like a braggart that I have given something back to the community, in terms of education. Therefore, I do not owe anything to them.
Whilst I appreciate your sentiments here as correct and just, the fact that you are still questioning your role within society and your community highlights the residual anxiety you still harbour in relation to your identity as a result of being a compulsive gambler.
You're ill and have realised this and are on a road to getting better. Now it is time to realise 2 things...
1) it is none of your business what other people think of you. Making it your business will not help your recovery in any capacity.
2) this is YOUR recovery - not anyone elses. Crucial to the success of your recovery is the ability to forgive yourself, start loving yourself again and taking care of yourself again. If you base your recovery on anyone elses expectations or make your recovery about anyone else it could prove detrimental (if someone tells you you're useless and you will not succeed does that mean you won't succeed? NO. if I tell you you're great and that you will succeed does that mean you will succeed? NO. You tell me what you believe will happen based on how much you want it and believe in yourself then whatever that is, you make it happen. All it requires is that you be truthful to yourself).
Your community may not forgive easily, in fact they may never forgive. Accept this and then you can fully focus on your recovery. It is what it is for now but who knows what it could become further down the line when you are well again.
Just focus on getting well again and then you can cross that bridge when you get it to it. If you are well by then you may find passage across that bridge easier to make than what you think it may be like from your perspective now. Now you're in a dark place so it's affecting your judgement. Best not to judge anything for now and just focus on the present moment, getting better day by day. Keep in touch friend.
A pensive response, thankyou very much. I have read some of your advices again, as reading it provides me with perspective and the energy to motivate my self not to fall in in to a prolonged morbid reflection. Loving myself is key, yes. I am making progress, but it is slow. I am happy that I remain Gambling Free, despite the emotional roller coaster. I spend considerable amount of time on my own. This isn't really ideal as I have a lot of thinking time, and can have flashbacks. I try and meet up with a friend, and keep in touch with him over email and others over the phone. I am currently working very part-time. Again, a consequence of the Gambling.
I went to an interview yesterday, it is a unique opportunity. Let's see what happens.
I feel really sad actually. I have done certain things, which make me feel very guilty.
Just a question for all, would anyone be able to kindly advise of how they deal with flashbacks which are loaded with guilt and on occasion resent. I am learning how to deal with resentment, but I struggle with the guilt flashbacks.
Matrixx wrote:
Just a question for all, would anyone be able to kindly advise of how they deal with flashbacks which are loaded with guilt and on occasion resent. I am learning how to deal with resentment, but I struggle with the guilt flashbacks.
I read the book by Allen Carr, stopping gambling from the beginning.
Do not confront that nasty person who took the photo. Let it go. Confront and you let them win.
The illness did a lot of cruel things to your mindset it's like a demon wanting control. But right now you have control. Be kinder to yourself.
Do you like music? Dance? Find some hobbies you like. Like kickboxing. Boxing, judo, karate, (I'm guessing you are male).
Resentment is not worth the hot air or energy, it can manifest into something that the demons want you to think. So let the anger go.
Join a gym, get on treadmill and run. Do something that gets your heart racing.
Welcome to the forum, sorry you are having a hard time with your community.
My Dad's advice would be, Stand tall, head held high, chest proud and breathe.
Goodnight.
Bella..
Sound advice from Bella.
The only thing I can say is create positive memories, then you can have flashbacks of those instead.
What's done is done now. You can't change anything no matter how hard your mind wants to ponder on it. You are changing what you are doing now and deserve a lot of credit, that's all that matters right now. Focus on that.
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