almost 40 years addicted

Hi mate

I'm sorry to hear of your turmoil, I know the feelings and behaviour you describe, I know them well. When in the grips of this unmanagibility it's hard to think clearly and see the situation for what it is... Huge amounts of time can be lost obsessing over the situation and how it could/should/would have gone + the bones are picked at over and over again.

Sounds like you're through the other side now which is great ? 

Two things (which I don't need to tell you but I'll tell you anyway and I hope you tell me the same if I'm ever feeling this way in the future - which I undoubtedly will at some point so watch this space):

1) gambling has taken so much of your life from you, don't let the mentality of that gambler take anything more from you. You are a new man now - obsessing over outcomes and not being able to accept what we can't control has taken so much from you. We must give back to ourselves now, not take anything more away... Yeah you lost a weekend but now you've snapped out of it you get on with enjoying the beautiful life that lays before you.

2)  Spent most of the weekend verging between being incandescently angry with my daughter for something she did 

(basically she passed a golden opportunity up because her friends pulled out, and she probably lack the confidence to do things on her own)

???

What did you daughter actually 'do' apart from exhibit perfectly reasonable human traits in the form of self-doubt, fear and lack of confidence? Does she need an arm round her now or does she need berating?

All human beings are fallible, we are all vulnerable. But we are stronger in numbers, when we are in unity with each other.

Does she need building up or knocking down? Which one would you have done as a gambler? Which one do you have the chance to do now that you've turned your life around? Which one is going to serve her better in the long run and help her personal growth? 

I don't know the situation in full but I know for sure that the behaviour and feelings experienced this weekend are very familiar to me and sometimes we just need that signpost, direction or reminder from someone to get back on track.

Ken - I respect your honesty so much in this post and it really hit a nerve with me as it feels so close to home.

You take care - and you take care of your daughter - sounds like she needs it right now. You take care of your wife too.

When in action taking care of our loved ones was not on our agendas. Make it so now ?✊

There will always be new opportunities in life to take, pass by, pursue or put back. Happiness, health and serenity - that's what we need to be aiming for these days and supporting others with right? ✊✌️

Posted by: signalman

There will always be new opportunities in life to take, pass by, pursue or put back.

Thanks Signalman

You are indeed right.

I was being an utter a**e rather than a parent.

17 year old children do test us though !

Life feels tough at moment. Debts, work, family - usual stuff.

Still 324 days so must be doing something half right.

Hi Ken,

It is tough, but let's face it anything worth having in this world doesn't come easy. The bottom line is this,we can continue to fight & grind it out one day at a time or go back to where we were just over 300 days ago. It ain't rocket science is it.  Believe me you are doing something right, i'm sure your family are so happy to be around you right now. Be proud & treasure what you've achieved,we only get one shot at life so let's make the most of it.

Kind Regards

AL

Always a pleasure to hear from you AL.

I thought I was past counting the days, but sometimes I feel the need to log on just to see the number, and pinch myself that I've actually got this far.

I just feel low at the moment and can't really explain why. Not so low that I would gamble, but just pretty demotivated about everything at the moment.

Hi Ken,

I think the highs & lows, feeling down are all part of the side effects of recovery. I wish i could rid myself  of the thoughts of my sins of the past but still struggle at times.  I always remember when i first came here reading a post from a CG who not only lost his entire life savings to gambling but also cashed in his entire pension fund and gambled that too. Although he didn't mention the exact sum of money he said the total could have easily bought a fleet of luxury cars.

If that's not bad enough it also cost him his marriage, and he said when his children pass him in the street they don't even look at him. I was horrified when he wrote that his evening meal on that particular day was a packet of bourbon biscuits. I often wonder what became of him & hope he's managed to find some happiness.

Whenever i feel low or depressed, i always look back on that story & it's lasting impression on me. I feel guilt that someone else's tragic story has possibly made me stronger these last few months. For sure it's left me in no doubt that whatever my troubles or problems are THERE ARE MANY PEOPLE WORSE OFF THAN ME. I've got a secure home, if i'm hungry i'm spoiled for choice & a wife & family that have stuck by me thick & thin ( amazingly ). Maybe life isn't that bad after all.

Stay Strong

AL

Posted by: alwalm

I've got a secure home, if i'm hungry i'm spoiled for choice & a wife & family that have stuck by me thick & thin ( amazingly ). Maybe life isn't that bad after all.

?? Top man.

Hi Ken,

Hope you're feeling a little better today. I know how hard it is at times but let nothing spoil what you've achieved the last 11 months. I don't know about you but i wasn't confident at all i'd get this far without gambling back then. Of  course reducing the debt & putting things right or trying to is a hard slog. On top of that supporting your son at university must be so hard. Stay on track & remember at least now there's a light at the end of the tunnel for us now. Of course it will take time but the debt will get paid and i've no doubt your kids achievements will make you & your wife proud. I don't want to mention how much money gambling has cost us both over the years, that's gone now so it's pointless. Just think where your heard earned money is going now. Sounds to me it's being invested wisely in your families future nowadays. Never doubt you're a good husband, parent and a good person, the help & support you've given to others on here clearly demonstrate that. The future's bright.

Stay Strong

AL

Thanks Al,

Feeling much better thanks.

Hope all is well your end.

361 days.

Used to count them every day, but that was a while ago.

Soon mounts up.

At roughly 3:40pm this afternoon  marked 1 year since my last bet.

What did I feel today ? Well nothing really. I’m taking this as a positive. We’re never cured. We start each day afresh - hopefully with the mantra just for today I will not gamble.

what have I learnt from this year?

1) I Wouldn’t have done it without self exclusion, particularly Gamstop.

2) the support offered on here has been invaluable. It’s a lonely old job stopping. No one can really understand apart from our fellow addicts.

particular thanks and love go out to Alwalm (slowlearner), Signalman and ALN.

The last hasn’t posted in a few months and the first 2 haven’t posted for a few weeks. I hope Alwalm never had that fiver on the Ebor. But if he did, I hope he just gets back doing it day by day.

I always said never invest in someone else’s recovery, but I hope they are all ok - and to be honest, I miss them. Was always a pleasure reading their posts.

3) once you get past maybe the first 3 months, the biggest danger is complacency. Just a quick bet, or yes I’ll join the trip to Cheltenham. You need to stay on your guard. I know if i slipped  I would b on a spiral of self destruction pretty quickly.

4) dealing with the rest of our problems takes time. When I first stopped I put my debts at £35k - in truth it was just over £41k. I ignored the £3k overdraft I always ran or the f*g end of a loan that only had 7 months to run. Self delusion is our speciality.

The debt now is £35k - in fact I know I to the penny.

It’s dispiriting to some extent. However a great bit of advice was to view it as a constant reminder of past behaviour.

I set out to live as normally a family life as I can, family holidays, reasonably regular nights out with my wife and the occasional weekend away. I reckon the family have suffered enough in the past anyway. 

Does it get easier ?

after a while, not gambling is the easy bit. It’s the rest of our legacy that much harder to deal with - but once you accept that you can only work through your life while not gambling, it at least gives you clarity.

I’ll finish with the introduction I used when I first went to GA all the way back in 1988

My names Ken and I’m a compulsive gambler.

My last bet was 27th August 2018

Hi Ken,

Massive congratulations you should be proud of yourself. For what it's worth i didn't have a bet on the Ebor & haven't had a bet for 382 days. I don't want to sound complacent but i'm not sure i'll ever want to go back to that life of losses, lies & deceit. Despite my recent inheritance I too am still in debt but the bottom line is i owe a lot less than i did when i came here and can never be trusted with money any more than any other CG.

I decided to take a break because of massive mood swings & depression recently. I've had massive memory lapses lately. I haven't totally lost the plot but an example is i'll go upstairs for something & forget what i'm looking for when i get there. Dental and other appointments i knew i had, but didn't turn up for as i simply forgot. My Mrs been telling me to put reminders on my phone when my regular medication is due as i've forgotten about that too. She keeps telling me she's got to explain things over and over before it sinks in.

Did i take her advice ?. No, for a CG giving up gambling's hard enough but listening to sound advice means changing your mindset completely ( so necessary ) yet so hard for a CG. I sort of got back into the old habit of burying my head in the sand rather than dealing with it & have been drinking a bit more than is healthy at home in the evenings. Memories of my past are ugly yet i'm so afraid of losing them as i'll always believe i need them to keep me strong if that makes sense.

Anyway the decision was taken from me & she's made me an appointment at 4.30 tomorrow so hopefully it's nothing that can't be fixed. Weird isn't it that even when the gambling stops the pig headedness still remains. Stopping gambling is only a part of recovery i think. Anyway mate can't tell you how happy i am for you & your family, you should be proud & i'm sure they're proud of you.

Stay Strong

AL

Fantastic to hear from you AL.

You had me a little worried, but I totally understand.

Hopefully the memory lapses are just a sign of aging but best see the GP to get a thorough check up.

Stay strong my friend.

Congratulations K2 on your excellent progress. 

Your gamble free year is inspirational and reminds me of what can be achieved through hard work, honesty and also by having a genuine desire to stop gambling.

I wish you happy days as you continue on your adventure.

Stephen