almost 40 years addicted

Footnote. Coerce not coerces i know grammar skills down the pan

Still on the straight and narrow path.

Feel like I have got through a bad patch.

Hi Ken,

Comes down to choices, and fortunately you made the right choice. Well done.

AL

Hi Ken,

I'm still GF & hope you are. Maybe it's something i said or done that didn't sit right, but it's been ages since we talked. I often look on recent posts in hope & anticipation you might drop us a line. Sometimes i get so wrapped up in myself & my recovery i forget others face the same struggle. Anyway the bottom line is i miss you mate. If you ain't ready to talk it's fine, but when you are i'm sure i'm not the only one that wants to sit up & listen. 

Best Wishes

AL

Oh Al - its nothing you have said at all & I feel very guilty for not posting. I've started to write posts on here several times, got distracted and not posted them.

Can't explain what's been the matter with me in the last month or so. Not gambled, but have just felt a paralysis to do almost anything in my life.

Don't feel I am in the moment at all, don't want to go out, don't want anyone to come round. Can't make a decision for the life of me. Other than writing to do lists and just trying to tick them off through the day, I wouldn't get anything done. I don't feel I'm communicating with my kids. It's like a fog has descended and I don't know which way to get out.

There is a lot of regret, a lot of feeling I have wasted my life. I suppose its just an inability to let go of the past, draw a line in the sand and make the most of life from now on.

I'll force myself to engage on here again. It did depress me a little bit the sheer number of new people who came on and went again in a short space of time. I just got fed up of offering any support or help.

Terrible really as  it did me the world of good for a year and I was so grateful for the support I had from everyone.

I'm sure I said it 14 months ago, but its never just about the money. It's all the rest of the stuff we have missed out on - and its that bit I'm struggling with.

I know I'm in a a lot better shape than many. I have a home, a job, a wife that loves me unconditionally and 2 kids who are doing pretty well - its just some days I just feel an emptiness and can't help but dwell on it. I'd probably have a lot of saving had I not gambled rather than £35k of debt, but its not the end of the world. Just don't seem to be able to make much of an in road on the debt at the moment. Partly unrealistic expectations from a life of gambling and thousands going in & out of my account each month.

Looking at some of your old posts, maybe its similar to how you felt in the early months of stopping.

Anyway - take care mate, it always gives me a huge boost seeing how you have done so well.

I often look on recent posts in hope & anticipation you might drop us a line. Sometimes i get so wrapped up in myself & my recovery i forget others face the same struggle. Anyway the bottom line is i miss you mate.

And I couldn't have put it better myself !

Hi Ken,

Straight to the point post & probably my usual, long & boring ones. On the 27th November they told me i had esophageal cancer. First of all i want no sympathy from anyone, it is what it is & i ve got to deal with it. I'd much prefer to get through it without well wishers though i'm sure people mean well. I hope this is the last mention of it.

So let's look at your situation right now,like you don't feel in the moment right now. Like you i've still got debt, though a lot less thanks to my inheritance back in may but debt never the less. So let's what you HAVE GOT.

1, A wife who loves you unconditionally

2 Two kids who've done pretty well so far

3 A job

4 A home

Now let's what you HAVEN'T GOT

Progress in reducing debt

 What you might have had

The things you could have achieved had you not gambled.

I'd give my right arm for one the things you don't have, do you know what that is ?

A TIME SCALE.

With my condition apparently at my age you're doing really well if god grants you 5 years. So i want to share some of my thoughts. Will my Mrs be able to afford a funeral She's financial controller now thank god ).

Over 40 years of gambling how will my family remember me ?.

The model husband, father and grandfather i've tried so hard to become for 498 days, or the absentee i'd become over so many years. Fighting addiction is not a fight, it's all out war, and the older one becomes the harder it is to keep marching. You're right about one thing when you described my earlier posts, the ups the downs, mood swings and once again wanting to throw the towel in like a rat crawling back into it's hole.

Well here's my view now, i'm calmer, & as each day passes i think of your advice about JUST FOR TODAY and no matter how much time i've got left no bookmaker or exchange is gonna deprive me of a single day. I still hear the bullets some days winging past my ears,telling me i must surrender but you know what, they just make me stronger.

Keep Fighting

AL

I know  grammar getting worse too. Struggling but still fighting.

AL

Thanks for posting AL,

Reading your posts over the last couple of months, I knew you had mentioned some health issues but that's terrible news. A war on 2 fronts for you and I hope you fight it with the same strength you have fought gambling this last 500 days.

500 days - beggars belief really when we would once struggle to get through 5 hours without either a bet or the thought of the next one.

It puts things in perspective - and I'm fully aware I have been wallowing in self pity the last month or so and I know in the olden days I would have been straight back on it. Anyway, the fog clears and we just have to keep plodding forward and create our own futures.

If you ever need anyone to speak to, I'd be happy to talk and pass on my number to you.

Stay strong my friend - and know this, your success has been a great source of strength to me and I'm sure others.

Ken

Hi Ken,

Thanks for posting & i'll email in morning asking them to forward you my contact details, that would be great thanks. When you say wallowing in self pity, that's really not the case, recovery isn't about just stopping it's about dealing with the aftermath. I think we all contemplate what we might have had or think we may have been debt free had we not gambled, when we get like that ( i have on many occasions ) we need to ask ourselves how much more debt would we be in had we not stopped.

I can certainly relate to your post on my diary about spending hours in the bookies whilst spending as little time as possible choosing presents for our loved ones. My Mrs always wanted a real animal skin coat one time, fortunately i stopped short of buying her a donkey jacket lol. Seriously though i never spoilt her the way she spoilt me year in & year out and the ugly truth is it wasn't because i wasn't earning a decent salary, it was simply because i gambled. You know this year for the first time in my life although i haven't had a lot of money, the small amount i have had has been my servant rather than my master and it feels wonderful.

I really do follow your early advice religiously and tell myself Just For Today every morning when i get up. Like you there are days when i don't feel i'm enjoying the moment, some folks on here seem to fill the void that gambling leaves & cope better than i do. I still get bad thoughts & feel like i'm missing the buzz & excitement. The rugby world cup final day i don't know what came over me but had the strongest urges i'd felt for months. I shudder to think what might have been if i hadn't handed the finances over & signed up for self exclusion. Amazingly i've never been a big rugby fan, maybe it was just the hype & numerous TV ads.

There are many times i also think about people who'd been on here when i first joined and then went AWOL & like you i wonder why, and the obvious conclusion i come to is they've relapsed, or perhaps they were never fully committed to stopping in the first place. It took being in a very dark place, and being at the lowest point in my life for me to seek help. There are times i wish i'd done it years earlier but that just leads me back to thoughts of what might have been. 

You're clearly married to a wonderful woman, 2 kids to be proud of a career, and a home. If you ask me these are the most valuable things in anyone's life. Can i ask you something ? just imagine you'd never placed a bet in your life and your wife was the CG could you still love her unconditionally ?. If you look at our gambling as a car crash, given what we still have we ain't come out it it too badly have we. I can't change the past but i can still love, treasure & appreciate what i still have as i'm sure you do even on a bad day.

Best Wishes Ken

AL

Just read your thread through fully, can relate to everything. The big one is just nip to the bookies, then whatever I needed to do/buy would be free. Just a stupid thought process. I did it yesterday. Was going to buy my daughter her bike for Xmas, popped in to win some cash so it would be free. Of course it wasn’t, I lost everything, 2k. This is day 1 for me so you’re way further ahead. To get to 100 days for me would be a miracle. But I guess they do come true sometimes. 

cheers 

Chris. 

Hi Ken,

Further to our last conversation i have emailed forum admin requesting that my mobile number &  email address are forwarded to you. 

Stay Focused

AL

I have just done the same AL.

you may have to request they do it again as I realised my email address on here was wrong.

I feel so much better having read a couple of your posts.

thanks for the support.

have a good Christmas.

Ken

Posted by: Chris7975

Just read your thread through fully, can relate to everything. The big one is just nip to the bookies, then whatever I needed to do/buy would be free. Just a stupid thought process. I did it yesterday. Was going to buy my daughter her bike for Xmas, popped in to win some cash so it would be free. Of course it wasn’t, I lost everything, 2k. This is day 1 for me so you’re way further ahead. To get to 100 days for me would be a miracle. But I guess they do come true sometimes. 

cheers 

Chris. 

Really sorry to hear that Chris. Xmas was always a terrible time for me betting wise. The fantasy of treating the family through betting winnings. Never worked once for me in almost 40 years of betting. Funny that.

I think many who have gambled long term thinks its impossible to stop, or that their problems are so massive that its pointless, or the continuing delusion that one big win would solve everything.

I think the only way is to break things down into tiny bits and stop one day at a time.

Bookies the problem ?  Then self exclude

On line the problem ? Then self exclude

Watching sport triggers urges ? Then stop watching sport.

Can't trust yourself with money ? Hand your cards & control over.

Take absolutely every step that you can.

Wake up every day and make not gambling your main priority. I did this for 100's of days at the start.  When I stopped thinking like this, the old urges quickly returned.

I'm back to thinking every single day "Just for today I won't gamble".

Will this make things better ?

Will it sort all my problems out ?

No - but i know this. It will stop things getting worse.

Don't look for a miracle - that's the mindset of a gamble, we are immature and can't delay gratification.

Just accept that its going to be hard work (some days it will feel impossibly hard), its requires a positive but realistic mind, and its a life long commitment.

Hi Ken,

Short one i'm off to bed & going up happy the old you talking & Thinking  "JUST FOR TODAY", back in the moment & the same fella that yanked me up the ladder when i slid down a rung or two. Enough said.

You've Made My Day

AL