am lost

Phil

Wish I could say its good to see you back - it is but wish it was under different circumstances.

Last year you started a diary at the same time as my now ex. I know you both offered each other support.

Unfortunately my ex wasn't serious about recovery. He used this site I believe to convey a way of making my feel sorry for him and ultimately try another way to get me to believe he was serious about recovery.

That's my feeling on it anyway.

Gambling went on to destroy him in the most horrible way and all he has left now is the air that he breathes.

It's a shame cos he had so much but chose to bet it all away.

Please don't become another victim of this awful past time. Don't let your children become casualties. No loving parent would inflict bruises on their children so why choose to bruise their hearts.

Those bruises are there believe me you just can't see them.

I'm sorry if this post cuts deep but honesty is a real good wake up call and I choose not to be a liar.

Take care of every day life gives you all gambling does is take it away

Shelly

Thanks Shelly, your support means a great deal, but if anything I feel a little ashamed to speak to you. Although, without knowing, I inflict the same pains on my wife that your ex did to you, the trouble is I keep on doing the same things, they say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting different results. And I just inflicted a great deal more bruising.

I will use this site for the great things it can offer to help me overcome, I know that I need to use this pretty much for ever as it is the only thing that seems to hit home. I have tried so many therapies, and like your ex have done on a number of occasions merely to placate, my wife wants me to consider a fresh therapy, however I have told her that this site is the best therapy for me - it did actually work for as long as I was on here, and I must use that.

I am so proud of what you do and are, and you should be super proud, especially with the messages you bring to this site.....thanks again!!

Please don't ever be ashamed to talk least of all to me. Shame is what often keeps the gambler from being honest and we all know where that leads or we wouldn't be here no matter which side of recovery we sit

Shelly

Day 2......lots and lots of emotions which is normal, I remember from last time the same thing. When your mind is not preoccupied by gambling or finding ways to gamble, you lose sight of the important things, in most cases gambling is a way of concealing the important things. For too long I have muddled along, need to focus of how to make my whole life better,

Take care all and enjoy the day.

Phil

welcome back fella, I hope the forum again gifts your resolve to find the end game that arresting the punt offers.

Recovery takes courage,but that courage is rewarded in ways greater than any punt will ever gift you.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

So another day....have made a conscious decision not to count days and not to overburden myself with having to come on here or the chats everyday, it worked last time and that is what I did, but it just leaves little scope to have your own time. I have realised that have I have to make gamcare a regular in my life as I will only quit for good if I can do that, so I need to do all I can to integrate into into my routine.

Have a great day all!

Phil

Hi Phil,

Good to see you back, sorry it is not in better circumstances. Really proud of you finding the courage and strength to kick back and find your way bk to recovery.

Now, lol..I might make complete b llocks here, but if it is you I think of, I remember last summer where I had a great rant in my diary about life and blah blah and there was u coming along and asking if I finished rambling and feeling better lol..it makes me laugh even now and I thank you for being you. Daily chats are not on here anymore, I remember they never used to be busy so maybe that's why they were taken off. To be fair, I don't go on chats often maybe it is the exercise I need to get back to, cause it really helped in a past.

wish you well on your journey and hope to catch up soon.take care and have a good day

S x

Another day....and a familiar pattern developing, some forms of redemption from my wife who is consciously making another great effort. Getting pampered of sorts for fathers day although both of the kids are wary with my 6 year old son notably switched on considering his youthfulness. Anyway good luck for the week ahead.

Hi Phil

I've yet to read any diary on here that's said bigger rewards are gained from gambling than abstaining.

Nothing worth having ever came easy. I'm sure you'll agree that to have your wife and kids around you is greater reward than and bet.

Let's face it your not here cos you bet and win big are you? All CG are here cos they bet big and lose.

Don't let yourself be a victim, put in the hard graft and the rewards will eventually out way the work you put in to recovery.

Shelly

Hi Phil,

Hope you had a good day and moving on confident steps forward. I remember how tough you found your home life. Only you can make things work and only with your honesty you can prove yourself and everyone around you that you are committed to recovery. You racked some impressive time g free last time, and I'm sure you can do it again and more. It is all within you as you know yourself.

Be kind to yourself and keep making the right choice. By your side all the way

Take care

Sandra x

Not been on for a while as been busy it work and that....or at least that's my excuse, not a great one as I can me time. I know why I gamble, it gives me a purpose. I feel very much peripheral to my family life. Because my wife doesn't want anything really to do with me I lose any enthusiasm to make choices for a better life. Gambling keeps me in my cocoon, I feel safe, it takes away the hurt. Feeling pretty down at the moment and imagine it comes across that way....hope everyone else is dealing with it all better than me!

Hi phil

i feel like i need to shoot straight from the hip here i hope it doesnt offend cos believe me i dont intend to.

i remember last year you going thro something similar and how you struggled with your wifes reaction. but didnt you overcome it, for a short while anyway.

having read your latest post it left me with some questions for you. not to be answered for me but for you. maybe to look at todays feelings in a different light.

does gambling really give you a purpose? does it really make you feel wanted, needed or important? honestly? Or does it make you feel isolated like you cant let anyone else in incase they see what you are doing?

Does your wife not want anything to do with you because you gamble or do you gamble because your wife doesnt want anything to do with you?

You said yourself you cocoon yourself

you shut yourself away, close yourself off so no one can get in.

A gambler pushes people away. Families and partners get shoved to one side.

For the other half you may just aswell be having an affair. Well it is an affair. Theres a 3rd party in the marriage. You your wife and your secret (your gambling)

My husband pushed and pushed and pushed me away. He shut me out completely. In the end all i was, was an inconvenience. I got in the way of his gambling. I found out his lies. I was getting in the way, and although he never said it i certainly felt it in every way.

Every part of our marriage suffered. The closeness we once had wasnt there anymore. Not because i didnt love him anymore but because he took the love i gave and threw it back at me day in day out month in month out.

Theres only so many times someone can show you you mean nothing to them.

You clearly love your wife or the way she feels wouldnt be bothering you so much. You clearly dont want to be a gambler anymore as its making you unhappy.

there is another life. there is another way. You just have to suck it up, put in the hard work as nothing worth having was ever to come easy.

You can do it Phil if you truly want to.

Shelly

Just over a week since I last posted, not too much to report. Had a reasonable weekend and work is little busier. In my previous job I was able to post a whole lot more but don't get much time at work and have longish train journeys. I have said it before but the reason why we all have problems is that it is a compulsion. I know I am stating the obvious here but cgs are not able to have a bet for fun (something that I have convinced myself in the past that I am able to do), it will end up in the sam cycle when a few losing bets will snowball into desperation and the aggressive chasing bets and with it the lies and deceit. And although the act of gambling is the problem, the ease at which we lie is just frightening. When I took my wedding vows did I ever envisage lying as I have done. Well if I am honest I could say that on my wedding day I lied to everyone then, although not apparently a problem as my well paid job covered the issues, but looking back I can probably say with a degree of certainty that I spent part of my wedding day eager to know the outcome of a sports event. On other big days for my family since there have been times when a goal being scored has carried more emotion than a joy of life occurring right in front of me. I am waking up to the fact that soon my daughter will no longer be my little girl (she always will of course)....what is more important? ??

Have a great day/week all and enjoy the sun!!

hey Phil

was just taking a few minutes and came across your diary. I have thought about you a lot over the last year. I'm sorry that things aren't great for you at the moment. I had a massive slip after my 100 days too and have kept of that cycle of a few days abstinence and then back on it again. I haven't started a new diary yet although I know I should.

I just wanted to say hang in there, I really valued your friendship last year, you were a great support- you can do it, and you can repair the damage done.

take care friend

Stu