And here comes another bore.........

Hi NH

Your doing great, I am currently 51 days without a bet but next week will be the biggest test of all, Cheltenham best racing of the year and i love horse racing over the jumps whether i had a bet on or not. However, now iv pledged myself to a gamble free life i cant tempt myself by following any racing again, its the only way it will work.

Anyway, i hope you stay strong and get through what will be a tough week, you can do it.

At the end of the day there is only one winner.

All the best

Proper roller coaster last 3 or 4 months for me. Lost it completely if I'm honest, disappeared into a gambling abyss.

I had all the holiday money, plus a few quid extra and should have been treating the family with it. Got on one of them runs where I could blindly throw 3 or 4 hundred on a random fav and they kept going in, couldn't seem to miss and ended up a few thousand up.

Even then though instead of paying the holiday off I kept the money and kept gambling, why?

You know the rest, those favs that couldn't miss suddenly couldn't win, if it wasn't so tragic it would be pretty funny the way that you suddenly start to pick horses that fail by a nostril to get up or fall at the last or get pipped in the final stride, one after the other and there's no reversing that run once it starts.

This all ended with me throwing £800 on a horse I knew nothing about other than it was the favourite, in the cold light of day that absolutely terrifies me, I'm not stupid, it seems as ridiculous to me as it would to a normal person, only when I'm in that black hole I just can't see it.

And so now I've had to take two more pay day loans because I can't tell the family that I have gambled the holiday money away. Selfish doesn't even begin to describe it.

It's cowardly to come running here after the fact as well, I should have been on here when things were good.

I am a naturally optimistic person and after a sleepless night or two it's time to get on with things, make the best of the situation, start juggling finances and most of all get a grip of this awful habit that's hounded me for 25 years.

Always the same for me though. I absolutely despise gambling for a few weeks, so in that time there is no urge at all, then I'll get paid and look at my payday loan bill which will come in at about £400 a month and the thought will creep in '£400 on an even money shot and thats taken care of" and off we go again. So at this time 5 days since the last bet I hate the game, no interest and no urge, its the esiest thing in the world to say "had enough of this now, no more gambling for me" but I'm not going to say that, been saying that s**t for 25 years.

Need to approach this differently now. Not entirely sure how as yet, like I say I wont bet for weeks now so that gives me time to think about it.

I'll be back.

One of these days I'll come on here when I've not lost a load of money.

Not today though I'm afraid and if I'm honest for the first time ever I'm starting to think I'll never stop this, it just happens time after time, I can't even bring myself to say "I'm going to stop" anymore, they're just hollow words that I never ever back up for more than a couple of months maximum.

I just cannot stop, of course I'm going to try again but I've got no confidence whatsoever in my ability to do it.

I'm feeling just about as low as I ever have done if I'm honest, debts galore, I don't see an end to them at all and yet I'm still losing hundreds of ££ a month. I'd never hurt myself (I don't think) but I am having some dark thoughts for the first time ever, it's 25 years plus of this torment now, I'm f***** off with it but even more so with my pathetic weakness in dealing with it.

This is the time I hate most now, right after a big loss when there is nothing at all I can do about it, I'm nowhere near payday, I don't have the comfort of a couple of weeks gamble free to draw on, I'm just really really down.

I'm off for a run just so I don't have to sit here thinking about it anymore and like I say one of these days I'll have something positive to say about my situation but then again I'm a coward, I don't come on here when things are good, just to have a cry when things are bad.

Weird sometimes looking back at things you have posted, I don't even remember that last post really and it doesn't sound like me.

Anyway here I am around a month later, wish I could say t had been a month free from gambling but I wont lie to you or more importantly to myself, it hasn't.

But it has been a couple of weeks and once again I'm feeling good. I'm not allowing myself to start with the 'this time I feel different" b******t, I feel good as it happens, I'm just back from the gym, no intention of gambling TODAY, and things seem a little clearer.

I promised myself I would make the odd entry in here when things were going well instead of just running on feeling sorry for myself when things are bad. Payday on Friday which is always a big test for me, more so than ever this time as we have our family holiday the week after so a bad loss would be more of a disaster than usual.

I'm not worried though. I'm not stupid, 25 years of being a loser tells me that there is a potential problem round the corner but for once I welcome the challenge, its easy not gambling when I haven't got much to gamble with now I find myself in the position of choosing whether or not to gamble with my families holiday, I wont and I think it might just give me a big boost when I don't.

Funny isn't it? I'm only a couple of weeks clear of having a bet and I've lost well over one hundred thousand pounds over the years but all that matters is what I'm doing now, I don't beat myself up about whats gone, nothing I can do about that, and if I feel this good about now gambling for two weeks how good will I feel if I can do a month? Then 2 months etc etc?

I really want to know.

Hi,

I have had a quick read of some of your thread and there was so much that I related to, I mean really related to in the pit of my stomach.

It does sound as if a bit of a lightbulb has gone on for you recently. You may be headed for interesting times. 🙂

I think we are always tempted to look at things black & white - gambling abyss vs perfect abstinence/ everything great vs everything s**t/ and then a lapse feels as if it wipes everything else out, as if the gambling you is the "real you" and the abstinent one was somehow kidding himself... but I dunno, it seems to me increasingly that life is more complicated than that, people are more complicated than just good/bad.

I've certainly done hundreds of those "I'm never doing this again" days, and in the end bored myself with the sound of it, even though it has seemed to help at the time to make a commitment or grand statement of total abstinence forever... it hasn't helped.

So even when it (total abstinence forever) is your basic intention and sincere hope for the future, I think sometimes it is more useful to drop that grand statement and accept that it's going to feel like muddling through and not like nice pure days one after the other, making you a Good Person... if this is making any sense... I'm just basically saying yeah, all the swinging in your mind between "I AM GAMBLING AND BAD AND MUST STOP" and "I AM ABSTINENT AND GOOD AND THIS IS FOREVER" gets exhausting and it sounds like you're hanging out in the same "all that matters is what I'm doing now" place as I am for now.

FF

Don't beat yourself up mate can you not learn from why you relapse I've relapsed many times and am just starting cbt therapy hoping it helps uncover why I do it life is better without gambling it's just learning how to live it

Take care

The bear

Cheers FF and Bear.

Well blow me if I still haven't had a bet since my last entry. I'm not slapping myself on the back too hard because I was on holiday for two weeks with no real opportunity to gamble though that said there's been many holidays in the past where I've sneaked off for a bet.

Payday again on Friday so I'll be delighted if I can come back on after the weekend and say 'still not had a bet'

As it is I'm feeling great, holiday or not I'm approaching a month without a bet and that's big in my world. I'm at that happy stage of not thinking about having one as well but I know better than anyone that there's no 'maybe' about it, one day soon that strange and extremely strong urge to gamble is going to come knocking, might be tomorrow it might be next week and it might be next month but I know it's gonna come.

It's just nice to be typing the words 'not had a bet' on here instead of whining about another loss.

Well one week on from payday and just about 32 days in total without a bet and just as per my last entry I'm feeling good.

No real urge as yet though I know it's coming, probably when I start thinking about how much I need for Christmas and realising I am a bit short.

Paid off all my payday loans in full this month and for all that I have to say I despise those companies I also have to say that it's partly because I am determined never ever to lend another penny from them that is making me so determined not to gamble again.

They've absolutely fleeced me since about this time last year when my gambling spiralled out of control (again) and I turned to them to cover the Christmas deficit.

It's weird in a way but I am feeling really optimistic but I am aware that a lot of other people on here will be absolutely at their lowest ebb and I don't want to come across like 'everyone look at me I'm cured and you're not'

The point is I don't care about the hundreds of thousands I have lost over the last 25 years, that's gone, it's amazing how much better you can feel in just a few weeks, I've got issue to work through but I can already see the end of them even though in some cases it will take a couple of years.

I'm not getting carried away, it's been too easy thus far and disaster is only one bet away.

Good luck everyone

Another 10 days have passed since my last post and still no bet and more curiously no urge to bet.

Where is it? this is now about 42 days roughly since my last bet and all I can see at the moment is the utter futility of gambling and the stupidity of what I've been doing with my money for the last 20 odd years.

I hope it's going to stay like this, sure it wont but then again its never been like this before, I'm normally desperate to bet by now

There's no complacency here, been down this road to often for that but there's a little bit of quiet optimism. And like I've always said when the chips have been down I must make sure that I do come on here and post when things are good rather than just coming on whinging when I've lost.

Good luck everybody

43 days mate, absolutely excellent going! Thing's ARE so much more enjoyable and not taken for granted when not gambling. Keep busy and keep up the FANTASTIC work!

43 days is amazing!

Keep posting on here mate I think it does help.

Thanks for your support also. It does mean a lot.

Dickyo

Another 8 days on and no bet and no real urge to bet.

Getting quite worried about myself! Think I must be ill but whatever it is that's keeping this urge away I pray that it stays with me.

I feel a bit of a fraud in some ways because I'm not really having to do anything, it's just leaving me alone.

Fingers crossed.

Well got to about ten weeks and then just before Christmas that thing I'd been talking about, the urge, came back with a vengeance.

Within 2 days of the urge hitting I gave in and spent £500 of my Christmas money.

That ten weeks actually wasn't worth anything, I attach no credit whatsoever to myself for going ten weeks because it was all urge free, not sure why but it was and as soon as the demon came back I folded.

Then as soon as I got paid in January (the 4th) I went back in the bookies the very next day and lost another £200.

I've abstained since then, so 17 days but again they've been urge free.

I've never had periods of no urge in the past so I suppose that's something to cling onto that it's not as constantly strong as it always used to be but still I know now without a shadow that at any given time it's going to come back, might be next week it might be next month but that's the next challenge, wait for that urge and defeat it.

Have you thought about self exclusion as this gives you take up time should the urge manifest itself?

Hi Smiler. Yeah I've self excluded online from pretty much every bookies now and online is by far where I have done the most damage over the years. It always bothers me handing over a big wad of notes whereas online it's somehow never felt as real.

As for self exclusion from shops it's difficult really as I live in Manchester and there's just so many bookies in a city this big. Not had a bet since January the 4th though so I'm back on track but the urge is kicking in. I was very very close to having a big bet on United to beat Fulham by 2 or more goals last week, was thinking of putting a few hundred on, in fact it was only time that beat me in the end as I just couldn't physically make it in before kick off thank god.

That's given me a needed kick up the a**e and my head is pretty straight again now. In some ways I'm glad the urge is back otherwise I can't really say I am beating this thing, I want a bet now but I'm not having one, one day at a time again now