Angel From Montgomery

Joan,

I have just read through your diary and it has blown me away with its wonderful eloquence and illuminating honesty. In less than six weeks you have really started to re-discover yourself and your life.

The impact that your diary has had on others is clear to see and yet that is something you have not set out to do, you have managed it through your ability to touch on feelings that other CGs have. It is clearly a personal journey, all part of recovery.

Although it is a raw subject, what you write about self-worth is completely true, and even after long periods of recovery we can still often be found scraping our levels of self-esteem from the floor.

What you have outlined so vividly are the little changes day by day and this struck a chord with me, the first feeling you have when you wake up and how you react to everyday occurances with a new smile, you are now re-entering life. The sunflower is slowly opening and turning towards the sun after so long spent with its petals huddling over each other.

Stay safe and strong

Paulds

...sending a blast of sun on your petals Joan...kinda look golden from here...

R and D xx

futures so bright....you gotta wear shades xxxxx

Hi Joan, thank u 4 ur post on my diary. It means alot 🙂

U r doing gr8. U should be sooo proud of urself 🙂

Stay strong and keep going x

Thanks ((((((Paul, Rach, and Charlotte)))) group hug. 😀

G'morning Diary, Day 39

Will be heading out to the coast in an hour or two. Today, I just want to stand barefoot on the beach in front of the ocean and gaze out at the horizon. I want to feel some sunshine on my face. I want to be standing next to the person who means the most to me in this world and share a knowing smile. It is not going to cost me a thing. It may be corny but, it is true that the very best things in life are free. To anyone reading my diary have a wonderful day, do something fun with someone you love. Just for today, make the choice to not gamble. joan

Hi Joan, thank you so much for your post on my diary, my pocket rocket is truly my star. That little boy has been such a blessing since the day he was born.

I love the sound of standing on a beach, looking at the horizon and just thinking of absolutely nothing.... sounds like heaven 🙂

You yourself have come so far on this journey, and your words are so inspirational, I know that I take a lot from your posts. Thanks for all you do my friend.

Have a wonderful day, remember the factor 50 !!

All the best

Cameron

Hi Joan,

How bloody right...The best things in life are free!

What an inspiration you are!

So So Proud of you!

Sue x

Hi Joan,

Ur last post was soooo nice 2 read, it really is the small things in life that mean the most, they r soooo much more rewarding than gambling!

U r doing brilliant, u should be sooo proud of urself 🙂

Have a gr8 wknd xx

hiya Joan..

Can't wait for those doggy pics....thank you for your support and kind words....the tide is turning....talking of which i'm guessing your already at the coast soaking up the rays.

Sorry to hear your struggling with parathyroid problems and no doubt sleep disturbances are part of the picture...hopefully your getting a good treatment package..but its like anything....a work in progress ..self care and maintenance..i think we are getting a bit better at this ...lol

have a great weekend Joan...

Sea,Sun,Sand and .........shells lol...R and D xxx.

Thanks Cameron, Sue, Charlotte, and Rach!!

G'morning Diary, Day 40

I had a lovely day at the beach yesterday. It was a long car ride there and back but, it was worth it. The ocean of course was beautiful and there was a strong breeze blowing off of it so, in spite of the heat it felt cool and refreshing. We got back home some time in the late afternoon early evening and I found myself sitting in front of the television just sort of numbing out. It was then that I started to feel some strong urges. I could hear my own inner voice saying "we could maybe just for fun go to...I promise to only spend..." This went on for quite some time. I wasn't surprised, just disappointed. Today, looking back, I am reminded about something that I read once -- about how addicts heal from the outside in and that change -- real change will be a life long process. I'm thinking that I have done a great job so far putting up blocks, and staying away but, maybe, I am getting a little complacent in other areas. I've got to stay on top of the ol' inventory. So, I am trying to sort out how a day of complete bliss, or relaxation could open me up to such vulnerability? I think it comes down to the old storyline about unworthiness. Somehow, on some level I must believe that I do not deserve to be happy. Maybe I am just more accustomed to chaos and disaster and I dont trust a calm feeling when it comes along. I am a little more than a half century old and I still remember my father refering to me as "an 11 year old zero". There was always some undercurrent of discourse between my parents. There is a lot more of this kind of 'stuff' that bubbles up to the surface every now and again. The man, my father, could go off like a bomb at times and we never knew when. It was like playing in a mine field at times. I think I might have a better understanding now, how relaxing at the beach might have brought this ugliness back up. I'm ok. I did not succumb to the urges. I just need to pace myself. To anyone reading my diary have a good day today. Just for today say no to gambling.

-joan

Judy.

That beach sounds a picture!!

Well done you for dealing with those urges to start the path of destruction off on its way.

You are soo right this is a livetime thing, enjoy it I know gamble free I do every minute of it.

A question to ask yourself when those urges come.

Gambling What have you ever done for me???

Misery?financial ruin,liying? to name but a few.

Enjoy the weekend.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

hi Joan..

funny how all the busyness of our lives can not leaves any space to feel stuff sometimes...I also find relaxing brings stuff up to the surface...but its all good as another layer of the onion of awareness is peeled back..

The coast and sea air is healing...

Walking alongside here Joan....always reading even though I may not always write..the diaries can act as great therapy and a place to put your thoughts ..

I can also feel strange when things are calm...I feel familiar round chaos but not better...its a permanent state of stress...I suppose I don't trust it when its calm and am always braced for disaster somehow and hyper vigilant in survival mode.

I guess addictions of any kind are a way to handle the stress but a good walk on the beach with loved ones wins all ways round..

sending hugs and always forward Joan...

footprints in the sand ..

R and D xx

Thanks, ((((((Rach))))))

G'morning Diary, Day 41

I ran into some potholes and hairpin turns along the road this weekend but, I don't expect the ride to always be a smooth one. I am learning how to live my life without gambling now, and that is why we say "one day at a time". I am beginning to see things and myself with a little more clarity now. I believe I am getting a better sense of what and where the triggers are and where they come from. I am also beginning to sort out some of the underlying pain and goo and the accompanying guilt and shame that tends to go hand and hand with my self destructive behaviours. Instead of standing in a corner beating my head with a ball bat, or hurling myself out of a window, I do certain things in excess to numb myself out. The problem is that I wake up and in this case maybe 10 years later and have to deal with the aftermath of the self destruction; it kind of looks like a scene out of a Mad Max movie. What the hell happened here?? For me this is not a sad, self indulging, pity me kind of a post. On the contrary... A searching moral inventory for me sometimes means having to go back to places that I do not always want to go back to. Open up old boxes underneath dusty old tarps to decide what needs to be held onto, and what needs to be chucked out. It's funny, because we are actually in the process of cleaning out our house from top to bottom. We are making it ready to receive my mom who will be arriving on Tuesday. She will be occupying the room upstairs. Over the years it had gotten very cluttered and quite dusty. The paint on the ceiling had started to *** and peel in places. It has been a real job scraping off the old paint because you cannot just paint over old cracked and peeling paint -- just won't stick... I ran across an old ragged stuffed toy that once belonged to a very special friend of mine. She is no longer with us. Holding it made me cry. I always want to remember her so I decided that I would store that in the "keeper" pile. Some memories albeit painful, will in time become happy ones. Anyway, it is all funny to me because we are "cleaning house" and this for me is a metaphor for my recovery thus far. So, today, I am calm. The sun is just coming up and I am looking forward to more house keeping. There will be breaks in between. There will be some laughter and some tears. It's all good. The goal is to create a new crisp clean space. I am sober and gamble free one more day. To anyone reading my diary -- have yourself a great day and stay strong. -joan

Good afternoon ,

Well it is here 🙂

When I was in the throws of my addiction , I was the queen of putting things off . My rug , a very very large one at that , was impossible to walk on as I had swept sooooooo much under it . Feel proud today that you have lift that rug so to speak, and begun to address what lies beneath .

You are so right in what you say , recovery is not just about not gambling , but changing ourselves , addressing some uncomfortable issues , this i believe helps to eventually smooth out the road a head .

One very wise soul on here , who has been in recovery for a very long time , talks a lot about us carrying a metaphoric ruck sack full of cr** , not always ours i must say , and how we carry that around day after day , the weight of it somethimes bring us to our knees .

That I suppose is a bit different than sweeping thigs under the rug cause then I was just pretending these things did not exist.

What a long post this is turning out to be , well if you sending a letter to America might as well make it worth the postage lol

You have a fantastic attitude , and some insight on how to attack this recovery malarkey , your acceptance with out it getting you down is insprational.

Keep going Hun , work it , cause I know you know that it will all be worth it in the end .

Hugs

Shiny xxxxxxxxxx

Hey Joan...

I think your doing great and you have a high level of self awareness ..probably more than you think...

housecleaning and de cluttering your life and going back to simpler times...HALT as they say..Hungry Angry Lonely Tired...all make us less immune to coping with our lives and lower our defences...

Right now I am travelling light and despite the process being unsettling...I moved "house"today in one car and it took an hour...

To use your house metaphor...you are laying your foundations and making sure they are solid...,much work you will have done in AA...the decorating up will now find its own way and stick for years and years.....as your main structures are going in Joan...

Wondering if you have ever read the book "The Velveteen Rabbit"...a children's book but very relevant to adults who want to keep hold of memories through fur loved off toys.

Keep posting and feeling ....

hugs

R and D xxx

Thanks Shiny and Rach!

G'morning Diary, Day 42

I believe I have managed to stay gamble free for 6 weeks. That is the longest I/we have ever gone. This weekend was a rough one. I grappled with urges again, last night. We had just finished dinner and again, I found myself in front of the TV after a full day of work around the house. My muscles were aching and I really just needed a hot shower and some down time. Like so many people these days, after the bills are paid we have a limited amount of cash left over. I want to take my partner to the "Big E" this month for her birthday and there are still many things we need done around here. Our cash flow is low, so,we have to prioritize what to spend our money on. Not having credit has really been a blessing in disguise b/c we are learning to embrace the real value of money again. We have a renewed appreciation for what we have, and are finding that we do not waste nearly as much. I read in other diaries that oftentimes gambling addicts will withhold money for needful things, yet pour thousands into you -know -whats without giving it a second's thought. I can relate to that big time. So, I was sitting there...building a mystery, having all kinds of bad thoughts.. when it occurred to me. We really need a desk chair. We had been using an old lawn chair that served the purpose but, really did not belong in the house. I'm not big on appearances but, my mom is coming, and this place does not need to look like a frat house. We are grown women afterall. So, we went out to Staples, and scored a 110 dollar desk chair on sale for 60 bucks. when I woke up this morning I felt like a kid on Christmas morning. There in front of my computer was this spanking new chair! I am writing dear diary to you, sitting in a proper desk chair! To anyone reading my diary-- Hang on! Do not succumb to the urges. They will pass. Life without gambling is beautiful. -joan