Angel From Montgomery

Thanks Suzanne, Sis, and Dragonfly. I think you nailed it; the randomness of some things has gotten me completely down...

I feel a bit lost and you all are so very far away. I am a little envious of you who can see each other at a meeting or reach out over the telephone.

I'm afraid that I am too messed up to write anything more. No gambling blahbity and money for today and tomorrow safely tucked away blah blah. The feeling that life can randomly rain down like a ton of shltty bricks has me paralyzed lately.

Hi Sis...

Well just got up from deep sleep and feels like the nightmare still here lol..hell, ya know i am actually laughing at my own stupidity. .wot a looser indeed. I don't think i have a gambling problem tho, i am just stupid person ffs...or just lost the last screw holding this head together. ..either way i f****n refuse to self inflict pain anymore. I'm not made of steel and i cannot attack my wobly head with that shovel anymore.

So what's happening ur end? s**t storm? I can lend this shovel and that way we are both happy lol. Give us ur phone number and i can text ya so you can talk in private if you like. I know u are from USA but that's not the problem, I'm on a phone for hours each day with our soulie 😀 kidding here lol...but as i said u r not alone, distance is f**k all, am bere if u need me.

Xxx

Duplicate means i mean business here and am serious 😉 xx

Hands across the water.

More than happy to give you my e mail if you contact admin as I keep in touch with Duncs and Sandra that way but wont be offended if you prefer not and will completely understand.

Thinking it must be pretty bad for you to get the verbal constipation as its usually me that needs the verbal laxative. Maybe a trip to the water's edge and a good shout and holler might help unblock.

Seriously though do hope things take on a better shape for you real soon and calm is delivered from the chaos.

xxx

Hi Joan

Been having a think about what you wrote today and I would like to offer you if you want to take it the opportunity to become pen pals,I am as stated many times a mechanical man in a digital world,fair enough I now use pen and ink rather than the slate but don't think I will ever entirely embrace this digital malarky lol.

I have in truth never had a pen pal,but can imagine the joy of a well traveled envelope dropping through the door,it's hand written pages being read over a cup of hot joe on the porch,trying in vain to interpret the scribblings!! lol,or like a bar of chocolate being savoured page by page,read and re-read.

Me I like the sound of that,it is the old romantic in me I am afraid,I know it would further make the gift of recovery shared.

If you are up for it,just let me know and we can work out a way to swap addresses.

I could even start a stamp collection lol!!!!

the possibilities are endless my friend

You look after yourself,we all care just the same,it's only a bucket of water between us!!!

Duncs stepping forward never back

Morning Joan

I am delighted you like the idea,to which I have emailed the regulators of the forum and requested they pass on my address which I have added to the email,I added that if this is not possible then can they pass on my email,then we can put the digital world to good use lol

the address to email is forumadmin@gamcare.org.uk you would need to do the same for them to comply.

look forward to hearing from you

Duncs stepping forward never back

hey Joan

Just wanted to also let you know I have another shovel handy along with Sandra to help pick up any cr** thats being flowing your way.

I think the pen pal idea with Duncs is great to connect you up..but Sandras right, just a few words in that little box and its like your in the next room.

Just wanted to thank you and Ms DF for your lovely words when I left the forum..I also read your and DFs diary but its so easy for me to slip back into the safety of the forum to an unhealthy degree.

I got to listening on the radio to an American essayist whom you may know of called David Sedaris. The way he writes and puts words together for some reason reminds me of you. I cant even explain that having never met you.

if you havent already , check him out....He is great to listen to in the car or when you are in bed and cant rest.

There is loads about him on youtube.

always reading ((((J)))))

Rachel amd Dotty xxx

Evening Joan

I have dispatched a letter for your entertainment lol,hope the hand writing does not hinder you too much lol.

Speak soon

Duncs stepping forward never back

Thanks Sis, Duncs and dear Rachel. I have really missed you friend but, I completely understand that you need to protect yourself at all costs. Btw I love, love, the sardonic humor of David S. It's funny b/c that's what I miss the most about your thread.

I have been up to my armpits in the personal care of my aging mom. Early Saturday morning I was startled out of my sleep by the sound of her screaming. She has spinal stenosis due to osteoarthritis, aging, and possible injury...

Anyway, she cannot get out of the bed to toilet or even into a chair to sit up without assistance. Her room is upstairs and I have to empty her chamber pot regularly. God almighty there are moments when I want to cry but, it's so much worse for her. What a mess! I've got her on rest, pain management, heat, and Lidoderm patches. I am hoping to get her back to a level of functioning she was at prior.

Sunday morning she woke disoriented and in terrible pain. When I went up to her she screamed at me. I got medication into her and made her more comfortable. About an hour or so later she looked at me sheepishly and said, " I'm sorry joan". I looked back and said, you can be a real pain in the a** ma. We both laughed it off and got on with it.

Of course I am inundated with thoughts about gambling, eating, drinking, running away. Lol. I don't have to act on any of them. I'm pretty sure that I won't.

Sis, and Rach you are absolutely right. I need this little box. I need this site. I know this is going to sound sappy as hell but, I don't care. Over the years I have come to love some of you like family. Like friends. That's all I have to say I guess.

Hey Rach.... I have been waiting to read your repost but... not sure where the hell it went????

It's been a helluva week. Mom is starting to weight bear a little bit. We are frantic because if she cannot maneuver the stairs she might have to move. The problem is; there is really nowhere else for her to go.

I despise the phrase, "well, what more can we do, we have lives"... yeah, but, my brothers and I would not have our lives had that old woman upstairs decided to leave us by the curbside to gestate to term. I don't know of any other life than the one I have and it includes her. It just does ffs!

P and I could do it with a little bit more support. We want to put in a chair lift and purchase a few things that would make our home more environmentally appropriate for her. My brother wants to put her into a state home.....

I am at my upper limits of stress and I would gamble my a** off if I had the money, or the time. I guess, blocks can work if we let them. I am not proud of the fact that I am thinking about it but, if I admit it it's no longer a secret eating me from the inside out. So, for the entire world to hear: I am a recovering slot J****E and tonight I am feeling weak and tempted. I want to just forget all of my troubles and live this night like tomorrow will never come.

What I will do instead is snuggle in and watch Grey's Anatomy and hope for a better day tomorrow. Nite E. I wish you were here.

Thank you sis I will repost in awhile. I have something I need to get off of my chest this morning and am thinking this would be the best place to do it.

Last week I approached my brother for some funding to purchase a special lift chair for our mother. P and I were thinking this lift chair would get some of her independence back.

He was dragging his feet for several days. So, I lit a little fire under his a**. Yesterday morning he ripped me a new a******. He told me he had 10 minutes to talk and that I was to listen. He ranted on about his obligations to his own family and that I was a martyr for bringing our mother into my home. That I should have left her to deteriorate in her apartment; he admitted how sad that would be but at least then she might have been able to enter into a state funded nursing home.

He leaves out the part about her calling me at all hours of the night begging me to help her. lol. His current obligations according to him are to get his two grown children in their mid 20s through graduate school and law school. Last year his wife posted pictures of their last family vacation to Australia. His daughter was to be married last year but, the groom cheated on her and the affair was canceled at the last minute. This wedding was to be held at a rented castle. A regular black tie affair.

In contrast mom lives with me on a fixed income. We are able to pay for all of her needs personal etc. but, this chair lift we would have to pay for in full before installation. She needs it now. P and I presented who I will call Mr. Smart with a few options. I thought we might split the cost.

Well, like I said. The s**t hit the fan and he raged at me for 10 minutes. And, I listened because that's what he would allow me to do. Mr. Smart is a corporate lawyer and his time is very limited and verrrrry expensive. I suppose I was lucky to have gotten off without having to pay.

He did part with the cash and the lift will be put in on Monday but, I am left wondering if he was right? Am I a holy martyr for trying to help our mom out? Should I just let her fall down the stairs and hope she only breaks a hip? What is even sadder is that I have seen tons of marginalized folks with broken hips trying to convalesce in their own homes because even then they do not qualify for around the clock state paid skilled care.

Of course I feel like a piece of s**t for having to ask. I feel like a piece of s**t because Mr. Smart is Mr. Smart because he was naturally born 'better than me". I am the defective. I am the broken one. I wonder if he has any idea how hard it was to ask for that money.

Mom has a reserve credit that I could have tapped into but, we have been doing so well with paying off debt I didn't want to start a new one. Maybe I should have just done that instead.

If Mr. Smart had been standing in front of me he would have taken that cash on C note at a time and stuffed it down my throat. That is what it felt like listening. The 10 minutes felt like an eternity. Mom will get the chair. I will get over this but, today I feel sad, and hurt, and despised, and poor, and stupid, and useless, and now a martyr too. Thank you all for listening! No need to reply. I just needed to vent... -joanxxx

Just a couple more thoughts....

I never once approached Mr. Smart for any money for myself nor do I owe him any money from any past lending. My gambling is done on my own dime. So that said. If I were to have a fantasy response it would go something like this:

Mr. Smart:

It's funny because I was not asking you for tuition for grad school, tuition for law school, tuition for undergrad college, a wedding in a castle, a family trip to Rome, Disney, or Austrailia nor was I expecting a lavish overnight dinner date in the heart of NYC.

I was asking for a one time 1/2 contribution toward a 3000 dollar chair lift for our mother. That old lady stuck up there in that room in spite of all of her faults and failings -- and there are MANY carried you for 9 months in her belly and then another 18 years on her back in spite of the abuse she took from her husband and father.

You are no doubt a true son of a b****. But, you ARD a son to that b**** and you better never forget it.

Now for some real name calling from an angry little angel of mercy: In my mind you are no more than a bald headed, entitled Italian poser, corporate attorney senior manager wanna-be -success. A real class act or a real success would not have said in anger what you said to me. I hope it was worth the 10 minutes (pro bono) slime you dumped all over me. The least you can do is own your OWN SHAME.

Again, I do not expect any responses to this rant. I didn't sleep well last night and I am stressed out by all of this and that as you all know could trigger some stupidity. -joanxxx

Hi E., Wow... It took me days to figure out how to use this new site. Lol! I have missed reading and writing. Thank you forum admin for your patience. I finally found my way. Duncs, I got your lovely letter and have read it now at least 5 times and once aloud to my mom. When we got to the end about your walks at night and tossing a wave to our Ed we both could not hold back the tears. You kind of remind us of him in some ways. I promise to write soon. I have been so busy with getting mom back on her feet. The good news is that she is progressing nicely and is using the chair lift on the stairs. I hate the fact that this latest wrinkle with ma has put a wedge between my brother John and me but, so it goes. She needed the d**n thing he could easily afford it, and I didnt have the money. Not gambling has afforded us a little stash to get our electrical box sorted out. The electrician said he is going to have to gut the whole mess and start over to the tune of 2 grand!! But, that's ok. We can pay for the fix because we have not been gambling in weeks. The hardest part lately has been not getting down on myself for past mistakes. We start making a little headway, then something happens and it brings all of the stupidity back to the surface. I am ashamed of the fact that we wasted so much time and money on gambling but, that was in the past. It's done and gone. All we can do is go forward one day at a time. That's it for now. I am so glad to be typing in this little box. It's true what she says in that song, "you don't know what you've got til it's gone!". -joanxxx

Hi E., Wow... It took me days to figure out how to use this new site. Lol! I have missed reading and writing. Thank you forum admin for your patience. I finally found my way. Duncs, I got your lovely letter and have read it now at least 5 times and once aloud to my mom. When we got to the end about your walks at night and tossing a wave to our Ed we both could not hold back the tears. You kind of remind us of him in some ways. I promise to write soon. I have been so busy with getting mom back on her feet. The good news is that she is progressing nicely and is using the chair lift on the stairs. I hate the fact that this latest wrinkle with ma has put a wedge between my brother John and me but, so it goes. She needed the d**n thing he could easily afford it, and I didnt have the money. Not gambling has afforded us a little stash to get our electrical box sorted out. The electrician said he is going to have to gut the whole mess and start over to the tune of 2 grand!! But, that's ok. We can pay for the fix because we have not been gambling in weeks. The hardest part lately has been not getting down on myself for past mistakes. We start making a little headway, then something happens and it brings all of the stupidity back to the surface. I am ashamed of the fact that we wasted so much time and money on gambling but, that was in the past. It's done and gone. All we can do is go forward one day at a time. That's it for now. I am so glad to be typing in this little box. It's true what she says in that song, "you don't know what you've got til it's gone!". -joanxxx

Hi Judy... and great to read that you remain gambling free and that consequently you now have the money to fix that electrical box. I hate being in the position of having no money for unforseen expenses. It just sucks!

Also as you said to me, its horrible feeling so guilt and shame ridden. Glad that you have found ways to forgive yourself for past mistakes and can be kind to yourself. I am still very much a work in progress. Even when you talk about how much you have been supporting your mum (sorry mom) recently, that gets me feeling bad cos sometimes i go for 6 months with no contact at all. Its not good.

Anyway as you say, whats done is done. On wards and forwards as best we can. Regards... S.A