Angel From Montgomery

Afternoon Joan

Glad you got your mail,I was worried the pigeon had dropped it lol!!
you write back when you have time,at present my dear friend you have more than enough to deal with.

Seems the forum layout perplexed a few of us mechanical folk lol!!
Glad you are moving forward,taking from recovery,f**k my dear friend we without doubt paid our dues!!!

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hey Sis 🙂 well couldn't get on your diary yesterday so making full use of the operating site today lol...hell that was a bit speedy swap of emails eh? Lol..thanx to our honourable man on here who is always at the reach of text and ready to help. Really good to hear from you and my heart really felt at peace seeing your strength to see yourself through the past tough weeks. Way to go Sis!! You are doing it and should be so proud of yourself. We both know what recovery gifts to us..why to try and stop it? No - we are worth more than pain and misery, we are amazing people just in a little crazy world lol..but we are here at the end of the day and doing all we can to make our days count and enjoy them with heart and soul. Take a good care of yourself and keep doing what you doing. Let's keep beating the devil and claim our freedom we so deserve. Spk soon girl. Take care. S x

..ps. really good to see you posting again.

Morning Joan

Thanks for the post

Fantastic to see you and Sandra giving each other outside support , that can only strengthen your own recoveries , that past can come back and bite us from time to time but nothing we can do bout that just the future we can change and things are looking good on that front

Castle2

Thanks Castle and anyone else who might have posted. I am still trying to get used to this new site. Duncs, I am with you buddy. I am old school when it comes to communication. lol. I am thrilled to be able to put faces with names however and also am so happy to have some email addys of folks I have become friends with over the years. I do believe that was the connection that I was missing and feel have found in recent days. Thank you so, so much Duncs, Sis, and Dragonfly!!!!

I am affraid I am still in a bit of a funk and managed to screw up Friday and Saturday. Nothing that put us in any financial jeopardy but, a disappointment just the same. I hate the way I feel after a stint. Sneaky, dirty, stupid, duped, obsessed, and the list goes on. All I can do is get up and face the music again and again. P and I have made alot of progress in 2 years but, we still have not let it go completely. We will still on occasion invite the vampire into the window in spite of the havoc she continues to wreck on on our lives and our souls. To continue would mean becoming one of the living dead destined to live out an eternity in darkness and I really do not want that. For me, every day seems like day fricking one no matter how many days I manage to rack up. Sometimes it's just simple temptation while other days it is despair. We managed to tear ourselves away from her evil clutches this time but, for how long?? I'm sorry to anyone out there who finds this post depressing or triggering. That is never my intention. I need this little box as Sis and Rachel lovingly pointed out. It's mine to laugh, cry, scream, and rant into (within reason) lol... I feel level today and have lots to do. No gambling. The vampire sleeps for now. -joanxxxxx P.S. Rach, if you are reading don't hesitate to send me a note!! ((((R/D))))

Hey there Sis,

Well trying to post from my tablet and just see how we will do with those spaces issues lol..sooo, a bit of tough weekend by the sounds of it. Well, ya know what to do sis, keep kicking this habit into touch until you succeed. Besides, having all this army behind you will make it all easier to do 🙂 ...head can get in a funk very quickly girl and vampire just has the biggest god d**n patience of all and waiting for that moment to suck the life out of us.

well, no freaking more! Keep your hard earned to yourself and the ones you care for. You are never on your own girl and I for sure know yoy will never give up giving up.

Ps.our friend Rach (with no horns I must add 😀 ) been suspended by big brother GC....the baddie she is lol, but I did forwarded you her email, and please let us know if somehow it has lost in a space and didn't reach you.

phew...this is tough to type lol, and best go bk on my phone before made things worse with this machine lol.

Here anytime Sis, stay safe and keep warm(find it freezing in UK recently)

S x

Morning E.,

The house is quiet. My thoughts are loud. Let me find something constructive to do with my time. I feel like such an idiot for dragging myself through time when there are others out there somewhere clinging to their last moments. Life is strange. -joanxxx

Good morning/afternoon sis,

...something constructive to do with your time eh? Hell girl imagination is bespoke. .let's see....i am sure P has prerecorded that red carpet event and surely you can have a chuckle watching it again (with all those sculptures on it lol), or you can have some meditation, go near the seaside (I'm still waving over even if frozen to the ice cube lol), or maybe cook something creative? Nice cake using your imagination. ..or read a book and have nice quite time with yourself? You can do many things to fill your day, healthy and healing things. No more pain and self destruction that's for sure. In either case - be kind to yourself..your fav Aviici song is one click away on You tube...kick start the day with a little tune in mind 🙂 stay safe sis....S xx

Hi Judy.... yes, I often feel much the same about "dragging myself through time". For me its tended to be in a listless way, whilst at the same time, others struggle to be alive at all. Life is a strange beast thats for sure. Thanks for your wisdom. Regards... S.A

Hi E.,

Late afternoon. No office work today. It rained all day so no work outside either. The house is in pretty good order so, it has been mostly looking in and after mom from time to time. Gambling urges seem to be at bay and will remain so until payday. Then the wrestle begins. We no longer use credit card cash advances to gamble with. We have about 9000. left to pay off ; paid down from 33000. We have full access to several thousands of a cash advance on my mother's card that we have sucessfully stayed away from for two years now. I wont lie. Sometimes the temptation is so great that I sit with my head in my hands rocking and crying until the urge passes. Mostly, what happens now, is that P and I still get the occasional urge to purge ourselves of what little extra spending money we get on slots. We typically forgo the hair cut, or new shoes. We might cheat ourselves out of a night out at the movies.. The danger for us and will always be getting started. Once started we burn through what we intended to spend and then the rest of what we have. I remember when the whole thing began. It was the same thing. We went for fun, to blow off steam, out of curiosity, out of boredom.. We spent what we had and then turned to cash advances. Cash advances became a 33000.00 nut with an outrageous interest rate attached so that it would take a lifetime to pay back. I remember what it felt like crossing that line for the first time. I swore to myself I would never do that again. We havent as of yet. Do I think its possible? Yes, I do. It is a daily struggle to not over eat myself into metabolic crisis. To not over drink. To not over think. To not reach an anxiety state that causes me to become impossible to live with. For me gambling is no different than any other behavior that I picked up along the way and chewed all of the flavor out of then stuck into my hair. ( that is not original but, I really like it). Bad habits. I have been picking away at myself little by little since I was a kid. What has been the most healing thus far has been talking things over with my mother. Having this time with her to myself to talk through some of this bullsh*t. Anyway, I could go on and on.. The thing is; I'm getting better we are making progress. I will never conquer addiction because it is a part of me. A part of my inner make up. Every day will be a struggle with one form of it or another. I have no answers. I don't believe that there is a single answer for me. I will walk this crooked line for the rest of my days. But, I dont have to let it kill me. I dont have to let it swallow me whole. It walks with me. It's blood shot eyes staring longingly. Always hungry. Always wanting. I carry a big stick and I give it a good whap every now and then that sends it back a few paces where it belongs. I walk with my chin up. -joanxxxx

Hi Joan,.

Lovely post, very inspiring and strong, thanks for sharing.

Take care

Suzanne xx

Thank you Suzanne!

Morning E.,

I'm still seething over the last communication I had with our younger brother. The way I see it, regardless of what kind of childhood we all thought we might have had there are reparations owed to her for gestation and time served living with our father and still managing to raise up four children to 18 years of age. That means at the very least provision of healthy cooked meals, clean clothing, and a warm and dry shelter. Reparations? Yes. If folks cannot find it in thier hearts to be charitable to an aging parent then they must be dragged by the hair. It is owed! It is the cycle of life. We started out dependent and we end up dependent. We are supposed to be a family for Christ's sake! If I were a martyr I would have placed the back of my hand over my forehead and sighed.... I would have said, never mind. I will do it. I'm the only one who really cares. When he was hemming and hawing over finding the cash I did say, you know what john, forget it. I will get a fricking loan. He took that as me being a martyr. Not so! At the time I didnt care to hear about his financial woes. He blindsided me with a rant and I just wanted to get off of the phone. I have my own financial obligations. On top of it all, he has the GD money!! There is no history between us of him giving me any money for any of my own projects including gambling. Cares schmares! Like I said caring aside I believe she and so many other mothers out there are owed this much. Where was the value for a value for all her labor? She didnt abuse us. She didnt leave us out in the cold. We were not raised as foster children like some. She wasnt drunk or drug adled. She might have been a little selfish and maybe a little stupid and weak at times, but, she did the best with what she had. Why am I ranting about this again?? Because, I havent been able to get past the last conversation. So, should I take the high road? Take the first steps? I have to get rid of all of this or it will fester. I have learned that resentment is a huge problem for recovering addicts. Harboring resentment never ends well for me. I wind up taking it out on myself in one form or another. I could let him off the hook I suppose. Just add him to the ever growing list of self absorbed sh*ts that I have encountered in this lifetime. Whatever I choose to do it has to be the best thing for me and my recovery. It has been a month and I am still seething over this.. Well, it helped a little to type these words into this box. Thank you Sis, and Rach for reminding me of that. I march to the beat of my own drum and my recovery IS bespoke. I have a better understanding of who I am today and where I am going. I have a better understanding of my addiction that takes on many faces and forms. I can control it. I dont have to let it control me. I must remain strong and clear minded by eating healthy food, getting in healthy exercise, and nurturing healthy thoughts. And, I will walk this crooked walk gratefully with my chin way, way up! -joanxxx

Hello Sis,

..magic box to get your feelings out will always be here and I'm so happy to see you using it for this purpose.
One of the powerful posts darling, you are in a lot of pain and anger. Yes it is not right how your brother reacted to the situation and i understand your frustrations over it. He was given biggest gift in a world - life, and now he is acting like money is the only thing in a world..as i told you in email, money is changing people. It can be one of the most destroying things to have..it can put a layer on the feelings and soul. The most important things like love and care ends up in the bottom of the list. Selfishness takes over.

Am i rambling here? Lol..i guess what do i know about life...i am still learning about all that separation and prioritising. Don't take much notice and please feel free to object to my thoughts 🙂

Your post touched my heart once again. You are so right that we sometimes take life for granted and our mums gave us this opportunity to grow in life and put foundations in it...they did something amazing,they gave us a chance to see for ourselves what's the world is like.

Awe sorry...getting emotional (i am right cry baby recently lol..god i need to toughen up).

Keep staying safe sis, keep marching on and holding on ur sanity. You are good daughter, you are worth all the best in this life.

Going now...can't ramble all day lol..just to let you know you are here in my thoughts, may pay a visit to that seaside today to wave over the pond 🙂

S xxx

ps. Keep connected and talking. Best medicine of them all.

Thanks Sis.

Hi E.,

Friday Friday Friday... Sweeeeeet Friday. I hate being a gambling addict!!!!!! I hate that I even think about taking a cash credit loan to gamble with. How f*****G stupid!!! I won't do it because if I do I just might end myself. That's the line I have drawn in the sand. If I cross that line I am a dead woman. End of story. Am I suicidal? No. But, I will be if I cross that line. I want to say 5 years or so ago I crossed that line. I got to a point where I took out 33,000.00 in cash credit that I am STILL paying for. When I joined this site I promised myself that I would never do that again. So far I haven't. I hate days like today. I really do. If I grab for a beer then my inhibitions go out the window. If I reach for some food I risk sending my blood sugar through the roof. Why must I self medicate???? What is my pain today??? What am I running from??? Maybe it's not all that complicated. Maybe I am just an addict with time on my hands. Maybe that's all that it is. Breathing helps when I get like this. Writing in this little box helps too. Looking out of my window at a beautiful sunlit afternoon is nice. So, is a nice hot cup of joe. I'm back in my right mind again. Whapped that b*tch right in chops this time. Get thee behind me raggedy hag! On the road again.... bah bah dah dah on the road again... -joanxxxxx

Willie Nelson - On the Road Again: http://youtu.be/1TD_pSeNelU

(((((((J))))))))

S x

Hi Joan... good to read your thoughts as always. Puts a smile on my face. I hate being a gambling addict too. I really really really hate it !!! I want to foster that hate to stop me self-medicating with gambling ever again. Like you say maybe its not all that complicated. I find that am at my most vunerable when "ive got time on my hands", too much time to think and ponder and then hey ho am standing in front of a machine. Not anymore! Onwards... S.A