Angel From Montgomery

Morning Diary:

Coming up on week two of our 90 day challenge. Got through yesterday which is our Friday and it felt a little bit better than last week which reaffirms what most of us already know; the longer we stay away from the habit, the urges decrease in frequency, and when they do come seem to be less intense. I didnt choose to be an addict but, recovery is most definitely a choice. I imagine that is what can be the most frustrating part of all of this to the folks around us. I have personal experience with trying to save the life of an addict.

"where did I go wrong?

I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness;

But, I would have stayed up with you all night

had I known,

how to save a life"

And, so it goes... I could'nt save Ed and nobody can save me either. It is entirely up to me. Nobody chooses to couple or be in a family with an addict. Staying or sticking it out then, is a choice too. Bottom line: addiction hurts everyone involved. Today, I choose to stay on the path of recovery for me and everyone around me. I guess I come with a warning label then, a black box warning. All I can ever do is my best. I have been apologizing since the day I was born but, I havent met any perfect people either. Experience has taught me that if I take this one day at a time it is doable. No slots today. -joanxxxxxx

Hi Judy.... I think I also come with a warning label. It might read as follows...

" A decent bloke with a good sense of humour, but from time to time this person may appear in floods of tears because the dancing leprechauns refused to pay him the jackpot and now he can't pay his rent"

I jest of course, but it does remind myself of how devastating this addiction is.

Well done on your gambling free time. No slots for me today either.

Warm regards... S.A

Lol. S.A., mine would read more like: "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to". I can be pretty selfish.. ha ha ha

Hello World,

I am back for another day. When I am deeply into my own s**t I can actually make myself believe that time will never pass. That each hour is like an eternity. The truth is that time passes by whether I am aware of it or not at a pretty awesome clip. in addiction I lose time. In addiction I lose opportunities to grow. In addiction I am at risk of losing my life and leaving this earth spiritually stunted because the rest of the world and LIFE will not wait for me. It just simply goes on. Each day I have a choice and an opportunity. To fully be, or not to be. Every new day can be the beginning of a great redemption story. I choose to take another step forward. No slots today. -joanxxxx

A couple more thoughts here.. Why is it that when I am gambling I do not worry about money but, when I am not gambling I worry about every f*****g cent! My poor car desparately needs an oil change. I am stressing over the 89 bucks it's gonna cost us. I may need to go a skinch into over draft protection and I may not. I sit here fretting over the possibility. Why? Two weeks ago I sat in this same spot contemplating taking 500 of that over draft money and and gambling it all on slots. I would have surely lost all of it and possibly more AND would still need the 89 dollars for the oil change to boot. So instead of possibly going over a couple of dollars but it is more than likely that we will not; I could have owed over 500 of unsecured credit for certain. Today, right at this minute I am flush and really have nothing at all to worry about. I am creating chaos when I could be basking in serenity. What a dufus!!!

Hi Judy,

Pleased you are staying gamble free, and that question you have asked yourself, I have said this to myself many a time,,it really is utter madness, but that is what this horrendous addiction does to us,

Take care,stay strong and stay safe.

Suzanne xx

Thanks for your continued support Suzanne. It means alot to me..

Good Morning World:

Back again. Life is wise. The natural world teaches me important lessons about flexibility, diversity, and change. I can learn a life time just observing the trees. They are diverse. They can bend. In the fall they burst into vibrant color and then resign themselves to a long cold and sometimes dark winter. Every spring they come back again. Every year growing stronger.

I have a birthright and that is to participate with full awareness (something I have been working on my entire life so far) in this magnificent web of LIFE. I get lost sometimes. I get distracted by sights, and sounds and oftentimes by what just feels good in the moment. Time gets away from me and before you know it I have let another opportunity pass me by. Life is wise and the universe is abundant. There will be other opportunities. I'm not sure how fully aware I am today or if I can sustain this feeling of gratitude but, I know one thing for certain; I won't spend this day distracted by slot machines. When we know better we have the opportunity to do better. -joanxxxx

Howdy Diary,

Off today. Work tomorrow. No gambling. No b******g. Trying to trust and breathe of course. -joanxxxx

Luv the howdy diary, and no gambling , enjoy your day off Joan, you certainly deserve to,

Take care

Suzanne xx

Morning Diary:

Coming up on week three of J and P's 90 day challenge. Last night completely sucked as far as urges go. They started from the time I got home from work to the time I went to bed. I'm not sure what comes first the chicken or the egg when it comes to my thought process. I want to blame work related anxieties on the increased intensity of gambling urges but, I'm not sure that I wasnt just conjouring up s**t to worry about in the first place. I left work thinking to myself that I wasnt feeling too popular. Why was my workmate so aloof today? Was it my fault? Something I did? Does he know something that I dont know?? LOL. Ridiculousness!! Talk about knowing the difference between what I can and cannot change!!! These tiny little sparks are what can often times set off a 5 alarm blaze. I go back to what P's grammie used to say to her when she was a little girl: "Don't bother bother until bother bothers you." Pure wisdom. I create drama because it is what I am most comfortable with. What I am most familiar with. Calmness and serenity is not my baseline and it never was.

I started feeling a moment of peace as I sat here typing. In the backround a pet screams to be fed. P still in bed ignores the hungry animal's plea and my moment of serenity is shattered. Now I am all P****d off again. I blame the urge to gamble on this but, I am beginning to think that is b******t now. I ran to gambling. Now that gambling is out I am back in a not so picture f*****g perfect situation. Relationships take alot of hard work. There are times when I believe that P and are on autopilot and that noone is steering the plane at all! RANT!! RANT!! This is my brain this lovely morning. I will no doubt be back at it in a little while. This little box is a miracle. I expect no replies. I just need to get this s**t off of my chest today!! Work is not the problem. Our relationship needs work. Take the analgesic out of the equation and reality comes back. The pain comes back. Deal with the pain! The other day I tried to stuff my feelings. No b******g I pronounced. Well, that dog didnt hunt. Sometimes I need to just get the b***h off of my chest. No judgement. Just dump it!!! Serenity now!! -joanxxxx

True insight Judy. My question to myself should never be why do i gamble but why do i feel pain? My gambling was but a symptom. It was never the problem it was a solution an emotional anaesthetic. When i continued to not deal with that pain directly my addiction remains waiting in my subconcious whispering it has the answers. When i confront those issues with honesty & direct action he shuts the f### up. Recovery doesnt begin when we stop using. It begins when we start to create a new life where the rewards for not using outweigh the misery of going back. I need to create hope freedom from what troubles me, new connections & intimacy with those i love. If i dont all the factors that brought me to addiction remain & will eventually catch up with me

Hi Joan,

Hang in there girl!! Sending you all the support in the world.

Work through these tough times and the reward when you come out the other side will be so fulfilling.

Fight those urges all the way.

Keep strong

Ade xxxx

Hi Sis,

Just dropping by. Hope that snow didn't fall too heavy..we had some of that stuff yesterday..hell, it's like xmas come early lol lol..

hope all is good your way my dear friend, keep battling through and never ever give up.

Speak soon..
hugs and more hugs

Sis xxxx

Good Morning Diary:

I had to drag myself to the computer this morning. My hands are stiff and aching today so not alot of typing. Just a note to remind myself that we are rounding week number 4 of our 90 day challenge. skippity doo dah. -joanxxxx

Hey sis,

Keep safe, keep warm, keep connected

(((((J)))))

Well done for your ongoing battle against this destroying addiction

S x

Morning Diary: Week 5

The snow continues to pile up outside with no end in sight. There is already 5 feet on the ground and another foot and a half coming between now and Monday morning. Travelling to and from work has been almost impossible. My nerves are frayed because the boiler has been on the fritz and the cars have trouble starting in sub zero weather. It gets to 20 below zero around here some days. The only thing that could make all of this worse is gambling on slot machines. Old boilers need TLC by plumbers and electricians that do not work for free. The cars need new batteries and starters. I need to have my wits about me at all times. I cannot afford to be in a gambling fog. So it's a minute at a time some days waiting for "Bertha" to come on or hoping the engine will turn over, or praying that P doesnt get killed on her long ride to the Cape every day. One minute at a time has taught me how to live more deliberately. Life has been challenging for us but there are many who have it so much worse. Happy to be alive and free of slots at least for now. -joanxxxx