What we do in the shadows (2014) Starring Jermaine Clement

Its been on my mind to write about this subject as I would like to get my feelings down in writing. It's not the easiest subject to talk about and if anyone reads this it might not resonate with you.

So, in action, like many I was a fully functioning addict outside of having a bet. I compensated and his the dark side by being overly outgoing and helping all those I could, for personal gain of course. Who would question someone who was a good friend to them and ask any uncomfortable ones ? That said, in my own brain with my own thoughts it was a different story. I lurked in the shadows of misery. The darkness where only I can see myself and know who I was let alone what I was doing. That secrecy needed a dark place to hide and to be in that dimly lit place was my ideal place to hide. I'm not saying at 12 I found that as home but it didn't take me long once the lies, elaborate stories and cons started and the guilt grew.

Fast forward to November and entering recovery, I found myself riddled with guilt. Not through hiding the past but now trying to own it. Coming clean had that sense of relief and in the moments before opening up I edged to the line between light and shadows hoping to move forward but it didn't work. The guilt, like the addiction tried to entice me back, deeper into those shadows again. Evil holds no lumination for me only utter shame and guilt. 

It took me a long time to remove the shackles of the shadows. I guess I had to know what recovery looked like and most importantly that I could lead a life without gambling. That's not complacency but just knowing I could do it. I'm not scared of a lapse or relapse but by adding days together I thought, I've done a month so I know I can do it again if the dragon breaths fire and strikes again. I think by building my support network and took box alongside the blocks/barriers it felt like I could do this and started to see pride and purpose in myself. Self worth told me to move forward from the past and gratitude said you deserve to be in the sun. Once I timidly moved to dress becomingly both in appearance and manner, people noticed and although the past cannot be forgotten I wasn't leaving or dwelling in it. The only way to make amends to those I will never see again or would cause more harm is to live in the light and not in the darkness. It's still at arms length and can dim when those defects that served me so well seek appealing to use but self reflection can soon stop that.

Today I have no need to live in the shadows.