Diary:
It's funny how the emotions come flooding to the surface when listening to music. It's fluid so can find its way thru the cracks in my tired roached out armor.
Diary:
It took me a little over 10 years to get myself into this particular mess. I'm not surprised it has taken about 4 years I think, to get me where I am today. I get creeped out at times when folks even mention reading my diary. Why? Because I'm afraid of judgement I guess. I will say that I am d**n proud of the fact that I haven't come back under different names and different diaries I'm doing my best. I never was much for placing my faith in other human beings, although, I have met many wonderful folks along the way. Nobody's gonna get me out of this mess but me. The thing is,the me I was when I got myself into this mess is not the me I am today. I would like to think I have made some progress... It's slow some days. I didn't have quite the turn around that Toad describes in his journey so far but, I fell a lot!!! Recovery is not a competition or a race. I got a lot out of the 12 steps when I quit drinking back in 1990 but, I was never fully recovered nor do I think I was a dry drunk... I was a 30 years old ffs. Lol..I suppose I have gotten a little wiser with age. Life has been my teacher. I love Life. I always have. Even when it seems like it just keeps raining s h i t bricks- I still want to know what happens next. Maybe it's my stubbornness that has helped. Whoooo knows?I'm not gambling today. That's enough for me.
Hi Joan , just stopped off to say thank you for making me smile today " Raining Shi'te bricks" is a great phrase and one that I'll definately carry with me on my journey :))..
Best wishes to you and your's and I'm sorry if I "creeped you out "
Alan x
Grant yourself the grace to take it easy. As you said its not a race. But dont bl oody procrastinate either 😉
Hi Sis,
Ohhhh..a hug and a smile! That's it girl, could see you smiling and hope you caught my little wave over the pond! ..the stick or lets be honest - Boris's leg i waved with ☺ ..lol..(Boris was great warrior but sadly all is left after cats had their share + my crazy parking skills had him run over (by accident) was his leg! & man am i not proud to have it in my possession!..huge asset to my armour when mr G comes round...poor Boris..but he (or what left over) still kicks about 😉 )
Anyway..girl! Your diary is one of the most inspiring ones..i truly love your thoughts and feel so so proud to be standing here next to you ☺. I was thinking to take my diary off few months ago...nahh..I'm lying, it was around 3 weeks ago last time when i nearly sent the dreaded email to GC..but it's only an emotion i go through sometimes..ya know..like a baby who starts spitting the dummy out or chucks toys outta pram :-D..i do get my senses back and feel so so happy that so many people have dropped by over the years and offered such an amazing support! How could i disrespect them?..nahh..my diary is my story and even if my username changed i guess ya know it's me floating around with 3k odd posts stamped on it lol..popular or ranty b****h? That's a question lol lol
Good to have you here and sozzz I'm a lil coo coo today, back at work so all fun begins after midnight! ☺ 😉
Keep being you hun..priceless soul, amazing inspiration, honest heart and 10000000 other qualities you should b proud off!
Hugs and peace to you girl, enjoy your vacation
S x
Thank you Sis! There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for your unconditional support over the years. xxx
Diary:
Nice chat with mom this morning. No urges to gamble. Smooth sailing for now.
Hai Joan, you've just reminded me off a favourite back in the day............Just a dream to carry me and soon i will be free...
init
Great tune Paul. Takes me back and perfect as we sit and look out over a windy beach. The weather is perfect in P-Town. Having a great time. Just chillin. No urges to gamble. Not a one.. We are house sitting for a friend. I can sit in her yard and listen to wind blowing thru the trees all day. Today is one of those days when I'm thinking Life is sweet.
Diary:
The crazy brain of a CG. P and I are standing on the beach watching the tide roll in, the sun go down and the full strawberry moon rise. The first time in 70 years summer solstice coincides with a full strawberry moon. At one point I'm looking across the vast ocean and I imagine mermaids frolicking in the mist right along with P**f the magic dragon and all at once I'm stuck with the image of a slot. I rode out the entire thought and of course I got the bonus round and a jackpot too. Ha ha ha.. So, now, I tag those thoughts with a follow up thought. Yes joan that was back when gambling was fun. Gambling isn't fun anymore because once you start you will not stop. You will spend 3 times the amount of any prize and how often does somebody win? Gambling will never ever be fun for you again. The point I guess is these thoughts will come even randomly. I will always have to be ready. it's a new day and I'm ready for it. Coffee tastes better on vacation. 😀
Nice post Joan. Hare or the tortoise. The Tortoise every time 🙂
That's right Tri. :-))
Diary:
Sitting on this deck just taking in all of the nature around me. I wish I could bottle moments like these. Watching the grey squirrel, the tiny striped back ground squirrel the bluejay and cardinal. The sparrow and chickadee. While a gentle summer evening breeze whispers through the leaves of towering oak trees. I know this is a diary about recovery from a gambling addiction. I tell you what. I'm not missing the casino. Burgers for supper..
Diary,
My days aren't always filled with Sunshine and roses but, when they are, I take note and appreciate them more. I suppose I could have taken this week off from my diary ( there are some who might wish I did) but, I know how sneaky my addicts brain can be and taking time off from here is my road to complacency. There Are times like these when I think I wouldn't be thinking about gambling if I wasn't reading these pages. Now, I tell myself good! Remember it well. I will always be a recovering addict. There is no cure. That's why I think the day at a time approach works best for me. Counting days always made me feel like I was waiting to be released from a Turkish prison. That somehow my real life would begin after 365 days of abstinence. At the risk of sounding corny; heaven is right here and right now. Sunshine, lollipops or s h i t bricks. It's all I have. All I will get. I've decided that I don't want to spend any more of my days in a gambling trance. Mindlessly shuffling through the hours -- same Turkish prison again. I can be very afraid at times. Life scares the s h i. T out of me. I have learned that in times like those I can be vulnerable to sneaking rationalizations to gamble. Christ, I was standing in front of a beautiful ocean and a thought about slots wormed its way through.. I'm never gonna be rid of this thing. So because of that I can never ever start . But, that's only the beginning. I'm rambling today. For me it's a lot like prayer. My way of staying disciplined. My way of honoring the committment I made to myself and P. Judge me if you want. It's ok. I did and still do that. The only difference now is that I can see it in myself and know that when I'm doing it I'm feeding the wrong wolf.
Diary:
Had to take the 3 hour ride home to check in with ma and the pets. On the way I saw a sign that I immediately associated with gambling. P and I had "a meeting" right on the spot. We visited all the reasons why gambling on slots is no longer an option and will never be. It never ceases to amaze me how selective my addicts memory is when it comes to losing on slot machines. Hundreds, thousands later... Tears and self loathing.,, cold sweats and promises on top of more promises.."all lies and jest, still a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest" .. Anyway, back on the cape for the weekend! There's some kind of festival going on and a blessing of the fleet. At this moment I am sitting on the deck overlooking the thickly wooded back yard and thanking the stars I have this opportunity. Surrounded by evidence of my higher power and feeling embraced by her loving arms. Ha ha.. I sound like a Hallmark greeting card today. Better than the postcards I used to send from the edge of insanity. I will take cheesy normalcy any day!
Morning Diary,
Every now and again I feel like the Ali Sheedy character from The Breakfast Club. Quietly sitting off to the side happily scoffing back my Captain Crunch and mayo sandwich wondering what the latest fuss is all about with the "in-crowd"?? Whatevah.. Noticing lately how thoughts about gambling on the slots try to encroach on quiet moments. I don't try to stuff em or scold myself. I meet them and let them pass quietly. If it's a fight they are after I'm stronger than I was on days fresh off of a stint. It's not neuro chemicals I'm battling at this point. Once again, the undisciplined mind maybe.. It's hard to stay in the moment. Anyway, I am noticing that everything that happens; happens for a reason. Everything is or can be a "teachable" moment. The people who tick me off the most are the ones I learn from the most. Doesn't mean they are my besties. One of the biggest jerks I came across was a nurse instructor I met years ago back in nursing school. She said I was a "weepie" and that I would never be a nurse. She was right about me being sensitive but wrong about me becoming a nurse. Funny thing, I never really liked being a nurse and never identified with the role like some. Never liked that woman but, maybe she saw something in me I couldn't see at the time. I really do suck at it lol.. Technical nursing that is.. Turns out I'm a good teacher.... Oh well, just thought I would indulge myself with an early morning ramble. My diary, my rules. Thanks for that one, Volcano. I always carry that with me..
Diary:
Homeward bound. I will miss it here. The quiet. The nature. The ocean. The sunsets. The fresh seafood. The laughter. Yeah.. Another post sounding like a hallmark greeting card. Lol. I feel good. I'm gonna say so and I'm not gonna feel guilty about it. When Ed died I carried around tons of survivors guilt. Dragging that weight around wore me out. Fueled my gambling addiction. A year or so ago going home meant " ooh can't wait til we get to the casino". Not this time. I don't miss it at all. I feel indifference toward it. That's progress. Coffee time!
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