Angel From Montgomery

Thanks Julie!

Diary:

Still finding the day to day a bit of a struggle. Some missing information from my latest diagnostic mammo has me in a tailspin. I'm trying very hard to focus on the training I'm doing. Calls from docs offices in the middle of things don't help. I find myself getting jittery and distracted. I think to myself; wouldn't it be nice to crawl under a blanket and stay there? Wouldn't a nice Percocet and a glass of wine be just the thing? Maybe I could take a baseball bat and just smash everything in this room. Maybe walk off of the job today and never look back... But, I will breathe instead. I will push through it. I have no desire to gamble but, if I said I was basking in the warm light of serenity I would be lying. God help me today..

He already has...He made you a survivor! So the baseball bat can go & whistle, the blanket & wine can wait til you get home (then P can be your drug of choice) & your training will get done because you're not a quitter! Smile & wave (Madagascar) if you need to but yes, keep breathing & fighting - ODAAT

Ya know, K. , that's true. I have come a long way. Maybe it's time to try something new. Maybe look at it in the face and belly laugh.. I mean, w*f, and who knows, que sera, sera. That's just life and more life. I have survived quite a few years now. I can't trust radiologists but, I can trust myself. My own survival up to this point. It's tangible. It's a fact.

Diary:

Finally got the full report. Docs office was pi s s y with me but tough nuts. I coach people all day around how to be strong advocates for themselves and the folks we support in the community. Doctors don't like to be questioned. Tough! After this training P and I will be vacationing on the cape! Puuuuuuushhhing through...

Diary:

Home sweet home after a very long day. Had a great supper. Now it's time to chill in front of the tube. Not a tube anymore.... Da m n digital age.. Anyway, Deadliest Catch on tonight! Gambling is the furthest thing from my mind..

Diary:

I welcome these mundane blahbity blah posts of mine these days. I welcome them with open arms and big fat sloppy kisses. Why? Because, after all of the digging, and soul searching, and what felt at times like an endless ride on a merry-go-round from h..e..l l I am finally just back to living without the endless drama that gambling brought into my life. I know the urges will come and at times out of the blue. I have a better understanding about what complacency means for me now. It typically sets in when my brain chemistry begins to normalize after a stint. This is the time when I get the thought that goes something like this; you have a few bucks to spend and bills have been paid. Why not give it one go? Have a little fun. You deserve it. Yeeeeaah... NO!! The difference now, is that I can see it coming. I can actually see it for what it is. Denial is truly blinding. As Duncs used to say the goggles are off. Life is gonna come on strong some days but, I want life in all of it's colors. The bright and the not so bright days. I want all of it. I want to spend whatever time I have left on this planet awake. Not, in a dream state or hiding under a blanket. I know I'm gonna have some bad days. But, as ODAAT had reminded me recently, I have survived 56 years. That's not too shabby. It's time to live now, not just survive. I will never be a bubbly person. I will always wear my gray hair long and wild. I will don my crooked smile and the theme from MASH will continue to playing softlly in the background. I even wear faded Hawaiin shirts to work. Lol! This is me today. I just had a childhood memory. I'm riding my bike. The wind in my hair. Probably on the way to meet Sally and Debbie. I feel free..

Hi Judy just dropping by as you commented on my diary not too long ago, thanks for that! I'm just about to start yours today so when I'm finished in about 6 months I'll let you know lol!

I have a feeling we've travelled a similar path and are both reaching the same conclusions about life, gambling, the past, the present and the future. For me, your last post just about sums up what recovery is and I thank you for it. LB x

Thanks LB!

Diary,

Read some words from Freda's diary that sort of kickstarted some thoughts of my own. It's 4:30 in the morning so let's see if these thoughts can materialize into words that make sense..Try not to run to the addiction when life tosses me a t u r d. That's an important lesson. It's easy to be in love with life when life's in love with me. I have to really accept it all. Today, I say I want it all, but how prepared am I to really accept and manage the not so bright days?? I guess that's why we say one day at a time around here. I can overwhelm myself when I try to bite off more than I can chew. Same thing goes for folks further along in recovery trying to force feed huge morsels onto others who are simply not ready to receive them. Back in AA days we would say "easy does it". All of this sh i t is starting to make sense to me now. Why? Because I'm ready. Each in their own time. I'm here. I'm willing. Taking it easy, one day at a time - in my time. Just something I need to say to myself now: don't be ashamed to check in on this diary. Remember all of the time wasted sitting in front of a machine. Sometimes my checking in feels compulsive. There are way worse things than compulsively pressing the GC icon on my iPhone. Don't let others try to tell you how to manage your recovery. Just keep doing what you are doing because it is working.

Hi Joan, thank you for your support it means a lot when you feel lousy. I have been here a lot and left too often thinking I was cured, well i'm not, however finally the barriers are in place. I just need to get through this initial phase of major depression about my latest losses and move forward. However I know the gambling filled a void in my life, and going forward I need to replace that void. The sheer magnitude of the losses leave me really unable to function, just getting to work is like climbing a mountain (and I have done a few), also the secrecy is beginning to get to me, I hate lies, yet I have become a liar, but if I own up again to my partner (we live apart) or son, that will be the end of our family. I have to deal with this issue with counselling or like this with Gamcare, though it doesn't really give me enough comfort to help me on a daily basis, if you can understand me. Anyway how are you to-day ? I have read your threads a little - life hey it can be s..t at times, i'm sending you a big hug because you deserve one and I need one ( ) - Paul

Thanks Paul. I can always use a hug. Back at you! (((())))

Diary:

Just thinking how at times...

My emotions can become dis regulated.

It's as if the inner dial is set too high. I can get stuck there. When that happens:

I can be easily startled.

I can be easily angered.

I can be easily hurt.

I can be fearful to the point of becoming paralyzed.

My coping strategies:

To over control my external environment ( make things neat and then b i t C h at people for being slobs.)

I have been known to overeggagerate a problem or minimize the problem.

I rationalize or intellectualize around the feelings that come with the problem.

Catastrophize and over think.

Stuff the problem. Stuff the feelings. Stuff the whole thing period.

Run far away.

How are these strategies working for me so far? Not too great. Knowing where to start making changes is progress I suppose..

Yeah I get those 'fight or flight' internal experiences...As do well all (I presume)

Practice not buying into these these thoughts. Notice your judging.

Best of all don't fight but practice doing stuff that matters in spite of these difficult experiences. Tiny steps if need be. They will lose their bite

Xx

Thanks for dropping by Louis.

Diary:

Last work day. Vacation starts tomorrow. I thought about gambling off and on for most of the way home. Habit... Gambling stopped being fun years ago. I cannot gamble because I cannot stop. If I gamble it would be like me getting on my knees asking, no, pleading for a beating. No thanks...

Diary:

Feeling P i s s y this morning so I am trying to avoid my usual which is to write cryptic little passages. Passive aggression? Who or what am I mad at today? Keep it simple. So, I take a look in the mirror and what do I see? I don't like transition. For the last two weeks it was get up go to work do the training come home ... Weekends. Some relaxation and in between some heightened anxiety about the dreaded 6 months mammogram. I got through it all without gambling. Good. I'm here at the start of my 18 day vacation and I'm P i s s y. I hold on. I don't like changes, or unpredictability. So, I'm in my mode of easily provoked. I need to relax. So, I am going to listen to some music and just chill for awhile.

Diary:

No longer feel like I'm a spring waiting to pop. have to figure out how to express feelings in the moment. I get bottled up.