Angel From Montgomery

Sounds like you've had a great break.

"Dragging that weight around wore me out"... this reminded me of a line in an article that I read at the weekend. It was actually about a woman writing about accepting getting older but it felt like it applied to me and reading your post I feel that it also applies to you....

"Gradually, I am shedding ballast and gaining buoyancy"

It feels good, doesn't it? LB x

Hi LB. Yes, it does feel good.. Thanks for popping by.

Diary:

"There's no place like home". I will miss the woods and all of the wild things. The whispering wind and the sunsets at Race Point. Still, it's nice to be home in my own bed. My beloved coffee pot! Of course I had a familiar niggling in the back of my mind all the way on the ride back home. It had become customary for us to go for a gamble at vacation's end. The icing on the cake I suppose. My perspective has changed considerably. Our vacation by the sea can be likened to a chocolate covered cherry.. A gamble would be like dropping a snot hocker on top. And worse suggesting we eat it! Sorry for the graphic description but, it is what it is. A gamble would have ruined everything. Today, I applaud folks who are able to enjoy it for what it is. P and I can never gamble again. Once we start we can't stop. Worse than starting are the rationalizations for continuing. I just can't. It's too hard. Nobody understands me and how hard it is to be me. Bblaaaaahbity blaaaah.. I become cynical and dark. However for me a dash of skepticism and a splash of cautious optimism will probably always be just the thing. I'm never gonna be Mary Poppins. We are off work for the next week. No plans. Just chilling. Doing some reading. Lots of breathing. No gambling. Nooooooooooooo

Diary:

All this time off; I'm gonna forget how to work. I think I have already forgotten how to get there. I'm learning how to relax without gambling in my life. There's been some touch and go moments where I substituted food mainly sugar. Moments where I indulged in a fantasy or two about "winning". Moments when I slipped into old fear based habits such are worse case scenarios and health anxieties. There's a lot of moments that make up a day. I'm managing. Life without gambling is manageable. I need to work on trust. I lost a lot of faith over the years. Not even sure how to go about doing that.

More thoughts:

I'm thinking it's down to acceptance again. Learning how to stop attempting to control every thing and every outcome. I just can't. It's exhausting being the queen of the universe. Life is wise. There are no mistakes. No coincidences. I believe there is "a flow". I have been fighting it all of my life so far... Poor little warrior queen. I'm not in charge. Most days I can't find my b**t with both hands..

And Diary...

Some stuff going down that I can't fix. In one instance I have to trust someone from a bank to manage an error that they made. I was told it may take days... This is probably a no brainer for most folks...but sh i. T like this sends me into a tailspin. I'm slowly pulling out of it. The other is a physical problem. I'm in pain and am being pain in P's b**t. Feeling low, and trying not to send myself down the old rabbit hole. I'm feeling a little better already. Managing what I can. Recognizing the pieces I have to let go of. I'm almost glad. The bank's error reminded me of my part in it and why I can never ever gamble on slot machines again. Feeling slapped back but, not down for the count.

Hi Sis,

Must be something in the air :-/..you nearly got a right wafflling email off me yesterday lol but i guess Sesuo ended up at receiving end instead. Some storm which slowly slowly passing by, thank god!
Not sure what's going on but something is deffo in the air.
Right, there are things we cannot fix/ change and sometimes we have no choice but leave it in other's hands.

Also, you almost trying to blame yourself here! Please don't cause that won't help. It is what it is and we can only move on.
Pain? What's going on?..i have pain in my knee :-(..no runs for me but looking forward to 3 days off shortly - R&R is lined up for sure ☺

That's my ramble - but as we know - better than gamble! Look after yourself sweets and i am so so happy to be able to speak to you, share, laugh & cry together.. thank you for this opportunity...today i appreciate life & am more than greatful to have such surroundings here and now.

S x

Thanks Sis! I'm glad your Sesuo was there and that you made it to the other side. Something in the air? I wish.. The only thing hanging in the air is my own bad breath bouncing back into my face. I almost ripped some poor souls head off over the phone.. Why? Because the whole thing reminded me of my own stupidity. I wanted to blame the bank. They did make an error. But, my overreaction and subsequent mini meltdown was my displaced anger and pride. I figured if I wiped the debt clean that somehow all would be clean and forgotten. Put behind me.... I don't even know what I'm blabbing about here. You can't paint a t**d I guess. Dusted off now. Moving forward one step at a time.

Sorry poor diary.. One of those days I'm afraid. Something that another diarist just wrote on Dan's diary about self respect. That's exactly what I was explaining or trying to explain to P this morning. More than the money and lost time. I had lost my self respect... My credibility. Somehow I must have thought that a restored credit score would somehow restore my integrity. I've got a long way to go.

You may feel like you have a long way to go but you have such an acute self-awareness I know your journey will be successful 🙂

As an aside... God you make me laugh with your writing style... never underestimate the power of your sense of humour!

Thanks Amom. Glad I could raise a smile. :-))

Diary:

Counting days til back to work. The dread, is what it is. Transition from vacation mode to work mode. Were any of us meant to live this way? Probably not. That's a civilized life for you. 9 to 5. Yes, I have heard the cries of those who say make a change. Quit that job you drag yourself to and instead, do what you love! I'm afraid my perspective might be too cynical for some so will keep it to myself. Suffice to say, I have grown accustomed to hot showers ( thank you indoor plumbing) and a roof over my head. The house I live in is attached to an electrical grid and has natural gas being pumped in from God knows where. Just now, I am sitting comfortable in cool conditioned air ( thank you dear, James). Point? Yes, the point is, I do the job I currently do because I am, at 56 still fit to do it and it pays the bills. Just got to figure out how to manage these moments of dread that always seem to come along with change. Intellectually, I know that safety for the most part is an illusion. Que sera sera and all that but, still the autonomic fight or flight response seems to have the upper hand. At least now I can recognize "it" for what "it" is. Groundless fear. I can hit the pause button. Whereas before out of habit just reach for the dope to quell the phantom pain I associated with imagined catastrophe. My inner world some days feels like a mine field. I over eat and gamble because I thought wrongly of course, that it was better to be numb than to be dealing directly with the pain brought on by post traumatic stress. It's a daily battle. So, work on Tuesday is just work on Tuesday. Truth is I can bang out one of those trainings in my sleep. Confidence. Be confident. It's gonna be ok. Besides its only Friday, ffs.

Diary:

Getting slammed with some pretty hard urges but, I don't fell compelled like I did when fresh off a stint. This is more like a taunt. I was having what felt like a panic attack a little earlier. Gonna ride it out. I'm not going to gamble. What would be the point? Now that I think about it I'm thinking that I'm worried about a friend maybe being upset with me? The acceptance thing. The worry that I'm not "right" with everyone. I know I'm not explaining this right. Doesn't matter. I'm here within the safety of my pages and not running amuck in a casino somewhere losing my shirt and self respect..

Diary:

I don't know how many days it has been since I last gambled. Money is starting to accumulate in the accounts again. The 33,000 dollar debt has been paid in full. At work, the new fiscal year has just begun and I apparently still have a job. The mortgage has been paid along with some other bills. Vacation is winding down. Tick, tock.. The 4th of July weekend is underway. My little neices are off to Canada. A 16+ hour car ride I am told. The sun is up. The coffee tastes good. No gambling urges. My mind is buzzing but not on full tilt. Some guilty clouds lofting overhead. Something about eating too many sweets and probably putting on a pound or two over the past two weeks. I am not the number of days I have or haven't gambled on slots. I am not defined by the sum of money accumulating in the bank. I am not bound by the illuminated number on the scale. It doesn't matter how many days are left before I have to go back to work... I mean when I think about it..

How many years old

how much did I make

what did I weigh

how big was my house

how new was my car

how much did it cost

In the end none of that will matter.

I waste a considerable amount of time on s h I .t that doesn't matter. What's all this counting about? I'm not even referring to day counts. I'm talking about ALL of it. Why do we do it when what really matters can't be measured? Sounds like I come by some of this neurosis honestly. Not just my addicted brain. Not always.

It doesn't matter does it and any scary part of this illness is if we are addicts it could come back, so i'm stoked your here sharing and working on yourself. Might have to start calling you my hero 🙂 Well done Joan. Tri x

Ohh, thanks for the boost Tri!

Diary:

Not feeling heroic at all but, I am feeling level. I'm grateful for the clarity that abstinence gifts me. Today, it is clear to me that I have choices. I don't feel compelled to seek out slots regardless of the consequences. The same level of clarity enables me to see the destruction I caused. P and I wrecked ourselves financially. Would we have better quality "things" today? Probably. Would we feel less scarcity? Probably. I wasted some of the best "working" years of my life while caught up in gambling. I was earning a very good salary at one point. But, as someone pointed out, the more we earn, when in addiction, the more we lose. Now, I'm working part time. I still earn a decent wage. We will be ok again. I cringe when I think back upon all of the wasted breath spewing rationalization upon rationalization for why I needed to stay in the action. It's sobering to read posts about folks who win huge only to lose the lot and more.

I have a long road ahead of me. Lots of potholes, hairpin turns. I'm sure plent of s h I ..T storms too. But, in between there will be vacations and holidays and celebrations. The task for me now is to learn how to be the same person in all situations. Emotions are emotions but not my defining characteristic. Freda and others have said it. Feel the emotion. I don't need to BE the emotion. I feel sad. Not I AM sadness personified. A lot of work ahead of me. Some days I can understand why people turn to thier drug of choice. Not all of us are addicts. Be grateful if you're not. Addicts aren't having any fun. Anyway, this grateful very flawed recovering addict is going to get on with her day. One minute at a time.

But, not before one last teensy rant.. I was just telling P. For the last several days I have been sat in a self imposed "time out". I discovered I was feeling guilty for having not only a good time on the cape but, for being able to go at all. I don't feel worthy. I have been sitting in a corner because I feel guilty for feeling happiness. Not "happy clappy". Just plain and simple happiness. So that's me today. The filthy lousy recovering addict who put on a few pounds is letting herself out of time out. I deserve to feel and that includes happiness.