Angel From Montgomery

I absolutely love how you write 🙂

Hello World,

I have no idea when my last gamble was? Maybe a little over 2 months ago? Today I had a difficult conversation with my ma. we revisited childhood trauma. The crazy PTSD has kind of kicked in and I'm scrambling. Better to scramble than gamble? I'm trying. :-/ I know who I am. Where I am and that I'm safe. There is a raging storm in my head. I just want to feel nothing. It was a good talk. Ma is supportive and it must have been hell for her too. This s**t is all part of the why I do the self destructive things I do. Just got to ride out the storm. Thanks for listening planet GC.

Big steps today Joan...Good on you!

Keep pushing through to the calm!

Morning World,

Thank you for your words Kelly. They were affirming and encouraging and I really needed to hear them.

The night came and now it's morning. There was no need for over eating. No running off to gamble and no Ativan. Before bed I went upstairs to my ma's room to collect her dinner dishes. She was in the dark getting herself ready for bed. I walked over to her and looked into her eyes and said, that was a hard conversation we had earlier today. She shook her head yes and then just stood there as if frozen with shoulders curled forward and head down. She looked so small. So frail. I edged in closer and said I wanted to say thank you for having that conversation with me. I know how difficult/painful it was for you to hear. Without thinking I put my arms around her and I think for the first time in my life I felt her arms around me! I said I love you mom -right out loud. She whispered I love you too. That might sound like a cheesy moment plucked right out of a hallmark movie for some but for ma and me it was a huuuge step forward.

Ma moved in to our place in the fall of 2012. She had been a constant source of anxiety for me. Not on purpose but because of our past. I couldn't look at her without raging inside. Now, I feel like things will be different. I can really be present for her now. I can be a better parent for her than she was for me. And that's ok with me. I just don't want to be angry at her anymore. The storm will always be with me but I'm learning how to tame it. If that makes any sense. So, anyway, citizen Joan signing off for now. Thanks for listening planet GC.

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Xx

Just a fly by after a swift visit from my long haired, guitar weilding buddy earlier...Hope you're standing tall Joan. Thinking of you!

Great hearing from you Kelly and thank you for checking in.

Helloooo World,

Along with the emotional regulation that comes along with PTSD, I have been working on personal connections. I use my training room as an exercise yard. Every other week I encounter a new group of faces. It's a corporate setting so the group is quite diverse. I am an expert at the material I present so the anxiety I feel on day one although enough to have kept me up most of the night before is somehow manageable. I used to push through the training program without really " getting to know" the people I am training. For me they were names on a roster. A pass rate that I needed to maintain. These days it's different. I am seeing really seeing these folks. Interacting. Connecting. Yes, it's exhausting at times but the returns are indescribable. At the end of three days I can see their faces when I close my eyes. All of them unique. Individuals. People I have touched with my mind and people I have allowed to touch mine. Yeah it does sound corny in a way but at the end of the day any day. What really matters? Kindness. Understanding. Love. My heart is full today. I used to be one of those who would say and believe "hell is other people." I kept my head down and kept my hands busy. I have learned that connecting is a beautiful thing. It's a cure for lonliness. It's not what others can give to me. It's what I can do. I never knew I had the capacity to love this way. For so many years it was just a four letter word. I have a long way to go. I still freak out every time Patrice gets in the car. I still worry and catastrophise until my hair falls out (literally). I'm getting better at understanding how my brain is wired. Why I think the way I think. This helps me to feel and to manage my feelings. One step at a time I'm healing from the inside out. I may not have a perfect track record when it comes to gamble free days but I believe that will come in time.

Hi World,

I tried wrong before but kept getting an error message.. so this is a test.

There we go..

I'm grappling with some panic today. I think I might know what's bugging me. I made a decision and now am standing up to the fallout. Loss. Sadness. I am also feeling some guilt. It's ok. "Being a good person doesn't mean you have to take c**P from people". I'm learning as I go.

Hello World,

Science teaches us that the brain, the mind, and the body are connected. I have learned that the reason(s) I turned to gambling and the reason(s) I couldn't stop were not necessarily the same. I will never be able to gamble responsibly for whatever that means. I don't give a d**n what you call it!

Reality TV. Social media. Tweet tweet..As the veil of civility fades into nothingness I am beginning to understand words like "dog eat dog". The balance must lie somewhere between sugar coated bull shirt and brutal honesty. A better practice might be to reread my own posts at the end of the day and carefully pick out the contradictions. Learn from my mistakes and shortcomings. Surely that would be more worth my while then picking apart the posts of others. What's the point?

Oh, and in addition I am and have been for a very long time now painfully aware that on some days I can be a walking talking celebration of bull shirt, contradictions, and stupidity. Admitting that has been a real load off. It's a start.

Every marathon starts with one step!

& that is some cracking advice there Joan! I too am a walking talking celebration of that ilk & after all these years of being scared to look in a mirror, I understand now that I have to, not to pick out bits of stray food from the gnashers but to see in me what I detest in others & do something about it - ODAAT

Thank you for chiming in Kelly. Much appreciated.

"So, ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. Everything has a cr a ack in it. That's how the light gets in." -Leonard Cohen

Hey 🙂