Angel From Montgomery

Howdy World,

I might not have it all figured out. What I do have is my soul. I have this day, a little bit of money that I made all by myself and someone to share it with. Gambling addiction has taken a lot from me but then I gave it away freely. One day at a time. I've come a long way baby!

Still plugging along. Addicts tend to trade in one addiction/ compulsion for another. Self punishment can take on different forms. Some can blend in with what is considered socially acceptable or even virtuous. If you are bull shorting yourself the outcome will be the same 1 or 1000 days later. Live your truth no matter how hard it is. Change real change is slow. If you hang around here long enough you will see the circles well intentioned folks walk in. I am a weary traveler on this well worn road and have seen myself wander blindly in circles from time to time. The only advice I can give to anyone is keep trying and stay true.

Oh and, watch out for lady denial. She can be a real bi t ch.

That she can... to addicts and non addicts alike!

Have a great addiction free day.

Cathyx

Thanks Cathy!

The choice not to gamble my earnings away is made clearer and clearer with each day because I have learned that sharing with my partner what's going on inside of my stormy mind HELPS. My wiring is a little different because of very early childhood trauma. It is what it is. Not a f***g excuse to gamble or drink or over eat etc but a scientific explanation for why my reaction to external stim might be off. The limbic brain and system is responsible tfor that fight flight or freeze response. Sometimes I get triggered by something and I go into survival mode. Sometimes my solution isn't the right solution. Sometimes I look for comfort or pain management in the wrong places. The light resides inside of others. It cannot be found in a slot machine at the bottom of a glass or in a bag of chips. When I choose the wrong solution and it doesn't pan out I'm not a failure. My solution is the problem and I need to switch gears. Too often I would be the failure and that I have learned is SHAME talking. There is no shame in failure. The words leaning into my fear or pain actually means something to me today. I'm learning to lean into the light and it feels right.

I'm anticipating next week. Not dreading but, already setting up the line of defense. Nothing has even happened yet!! I am also anticipating and planning for an event that will take place next month and I am in some cases already experiencing some dread. I always feel ineffective during and after a training that has to be interpreted in ASL (American sign language). Anxiety levels start to rise. Hyper alertness. The closer I get to this event the more I will look like a cat trying to claw its way out of a gunny sack. Not on the outside. On the surface I will appear calm but on the inside the storm rages. Once upon a time I must have felt completely out of control. Something or something much bigger than me like a tornado it picked me up tossed me around and slammed me to the ground. Get it or don't get it it's my truth. It happened. I survived it but I was changed. So now, I perceive a - I pick it up on my radar and prepare for the absolute worst. My inner marines are already forming a front line. When someone comes along and says "let go" I pretty much want to laugh my a*s off. 😀 It is possible for me to move forward. I have for over 5 decades. Not without the occasional grapple with some form of addiction. When trust is picked up tossed around and smashed to the ground it doesn't come back easily. Some days even noises set me off. Today I am learning and getting better at incorporating everyday noises. I'm not autistic. It sometimes I think I understand how frightening distracting and agitating this world of whirring buzzing and humming can be. I'm smiling to myself because I survived. And that's something. Reaching for the numbing salts whatever they may be are not the answer. In fact the very solution could become yet another problem. This rediscovery process has been long and tiring because of the layers and layers I have had to peel in order to get to the source of my fears. I'm getting there. It is becoming less important to feel understood. What matters more to me now is having a better understanding of myself and others. Gambling isn't the answer. Of course I know that now. The reason I started gambling and the reasons I couldn't seem to stop were not the same. Im beginning to heal from the inside out. From the basement up.

It's ok not to be ok...everything will be ok!

Be kind to you as it starts from within

S x

And my journey up to this point has been about figuring out how and why I lost faith in myself to the point where I let a compulsion to gamble on slot machines take over my life. I want to know just like many f&f how gambling on slots came to be more important than anything and anyone else. That's me..

I was thinking about what MGR wrote about lying. It's so true. Lying is destructive and sometimes the broken trust is irreparable. Apologies, are great. There is no guarantee that there will be anything beyond forgiveness. Lies kill relationships. Addicts often think that covering up isn't lying. Withholding information isn't lying. Addicts begin to believe their own bs and before you know it a new narrative has been crafted. I found going to step meetings helpful because this is the kind of s**t that the addict is confronted with and is asked to start digging through. Without other people the addict lives in their head and more or less wallows in their denial. Interventions are almost always about people confronting addicts head on with their BS. Arguing that step meetings like AA GA whatever the f**k A for me (FOR ME) is the last greatest attempt to fool (BS) myself. Change is much more than staying "clean". Change could be imagining a world with other people in it that I am not the center of. Change is not just saying the words but doing the doing. I'm not gambling and that's good. My money roll has fattened up. But, I feel completely crazy. I can see more clearly every day the neglect. Our home. Our bodies. We never had any children to screw up so that's a plus but, we have been neglecting our relationship. I have been in some form of addiction all of my life. Living in the moment and being true or authentic is a continuous struggle. Its worth it. Nothing good EVER comes from living a lie. EVER. That much I do know.

Dug this out of my group messages for you: “You can’t go back & change the beginning but you can start where you are & change the end.”

Judy, your posts draw me in, take me on a journey and leave me looking at my own life in ways that I haven't before.
Continue healing by peeling those layers and take care. X

Thanks for the support and kind words Kelly and LML. Someday soon I will find the courage to step outside of this little box and once again offer support to others on their pages. For now, I need to stay close to my own page but I really do appreciate the support. It means a lot.

The urge to gamble is rare these days but unfortunately tears are in abundance. I finally made the leap. Maybe now some actual growth can happen. Others have pointed out to me that I am a survivor and I know that is true. It's taken almost a lifetime to put the chains down. The past is now in the past. I will always be nervous and scared and worry .. I am better off feeling then stuffing and hiding. Once again I read something on MGR page that really resonated with me in a good way. I'm not my past. One foot in front of the other. No short cuts. Chop wood, carry water.

Hi Joan,

Just been catching up with your diary, keep on trucking my dear you are a wise owl. So much of what you say is so true, these weary paths we have all walked but some of us keep getting lost.

Do what if best for you, look after yourself first , you spend so much time looking after others at work and home that you deserve some me time. Sorry if this sounds like I am preaching, i do not mean to sound insensitive, you have been a moral compass for myself and many others on this site and your heartfelt words always resonate.

Stay safe and strong

Paulds

Paul, thank you for your kind words.

Today: keeping clean and living sober (for want of a better word) are two different things. Once the urges subside the money starts piling up again and my head emerges from the gambling fog. Guilt and remorse over losses and what could have beens blah blah blah. Today it's about feeling FEELINGS. I would much rather stick my head in the sand or even an oven. My feelings are always mixed? Conflicted? Ambivalent? Who is grateful and self pitying at the same time? Who is happy and sad? Probably just "holiday" PTSD. Today: my partner is in the kitchen cooking up a storm. The house is filled with sweet and spicy and savory smells .. ma is safe and warm in her chair with her nose tucked into her newspaper. Two dogs slumbering lazily at my feet. Just for today. It's ok to feel contentment. It's ok to trust my feelings.

Morning World.. just coming to. Food coma due to Thanksgiving. If there's a cure for this I don't want it. 🙂 I suppose if I dug deep I could find something to moan about today. Nah. It's a fresh new day. I'm on track. Currently the last thing I allow to drag me under is f*****g slot machines.. I still get caught up in his or her crazy. I am just now realizing I am only responsible for my own. I am getting better at pacing myself. One step at a time. Chop wood carry water...