Angel From Montgomery

:(. sorry that your brother lost his fight to addiction alone. How heartbreaking for you and your mom.

Cathyx

Thank you for your kind words Cathy. Looking back there were sooo many good souls looking after me on these pages. I miss them too. Like our old friend Paul (Volcano) used to say "the cycle of Gamcare". And so it goes I suppose.

Am calmer today. Looking forward to Christmas. I have something to show for all of the hours I have worked. I have a list as long as my arm detailing all of the things that need to be done around this old place. There are still days when I get the urge to run or bury my head in the sand but I find myself pushing through with greater ease. Bad days will never be easy but as long as I don't slip into addiction I will handle come what may and likely be stronger for it. Change is permanent. Something I had to learn the hard way.

Hey Joan.
I often think of you, last night I thought of the pain that Ed suffered and the pain it caused you, I had a chat with him whilst moonlight walking my beloved hounds upon returning from work, he is so proud that your strength has seen you find change and he like me is immensely proud of you and Patrice, I am sure he lives within you,he is your inspiration and lights guide.
I hope you celebrate Christmas for what it is and in doing so stick one in addictions eye.
Peace and love to you both my dear friend, I am so proud to walk by your side.
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thank you for the boost Duncs. Much love to you, Sarah, the kids and the hounds.

Saturday: ma finished one of her famous 1000 piece jigsaw puzzles. When she's finished it's time to apply a special glue that holds it all together. We are collecting them and calling them her masterpieces. When she passes I told her I will distribute them to her sons and grandchildren. She gets such a kick out of that. All kidding aside, she labors over these things. It's only right to preserve them. After that we have some errands to run. We ordered our Christmas roast. When we don't P**s our money to the wind we have it when we need it. What a concept.

Addiction walks this road with me. Just like a shadow. It's there. It will always be there. It's a changeling so, it can take on many forms. It walks with me like a ghost but I don't live in its shadow unless I choose to. Most of the time it trails behind me. I don't spend my energy hating it anymore after all its a part of me. I have a scar on my belly left from when I had surgery several years ago. I call it Darling. A scar, a bad tattoo. I will always live with addiction. I have no clue where I'm going with this. Addiction is with me but for now at bay.

91

So, it's taken me 5-6 years of trial and error and sometimes even walking blindfolded in circles to arrive at sobriety. Sobriety being the very base of the what feels at times to be the highest and most unforgiving mountain. Living sober in my skin. I'm not a special unique little snowflake but, I am a struggling soul like everyone else just trying to find my way back home. Wherever that is. Some days and some nights can seem endless while other days and nights can be filled with wonder and joy. LIFE. Living without addiction is living without the extra BS that addiction brings. When the lights come on and the rose colored goggles come off life isn't always pretty. Nope, nobody told me it would be. Now I have to face my demons without anesthesia. I have to let others in on it. No more secrets. I now tell the people I work with about my need to control. Haha none of them seem surprised.. things that other people know about me already that I kept from myself. DENIAL. In denial we BS ourselves while driving the others around us insane. Some folks stick around - my true friends. The ones who love me warts and all. I have hurt the most by keeping secrets about myself to myself. They watched from the sidelines. They watched me rage and self destruct. An out of control fire and me trying to douse it with gasoline. I often said and I say it now. I'm grateful that I never had kids and my partner gambled right along with me. Partners in crime so to speak. My thing has been to commit slow suicide on the world stage for all to see. The person I hurt the most over all of these years has been me. Those closest to me watching sometimes in silent horror. Begging me to get out of the way of the oncoming train. Needing to be vigilant and in. Instant control is exhausting and painful. On constant guard. Obsessing over one thing or another. Anyway this is me at last the real me. As the song goes "standing naked in front of the crowd". They knowing all along. Me finally seeing it for myself.

Long day. Safe and sound at home surrounded by family. A very long road ahead of me. Many more mountains to climb. I'm off to a good start. Now it's time to say goodnight to my sweet diary, blog, postcard from the edge. You served me well and have been a constant friend. I need a change. As Duncs says the door swings both ways. Maybe I will come back to you some day. For now I believe it's time for me to fly. xxx

Joan.
I think there is so much to learn from the words written on this thread, I hope it doesn't fall from the pages like so many others.
Most of all I know how much therapy you have taken from writing it.
I raise my cup of hot Joe to you my dear friend.for the support you gave this year I am deeply humbled and eternally grateful.
Long may your life reward your efforts.
Much love to you and Patrice.
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thank you Duncs

I was going to retire this old diary. I thought about starting a fresh one under a new name. You know, new year and all that. Then I got to thinking.. Why do that? This diary isn't a ball and chain but maybe more like a tattoo, or a scar. It's me warts and all. Screw shame! There's no shame in sharing raw feelings. Failings. Life is all trial and error anyway. New year new me? Nah. Still baby steps. Probably baby steps from now on. What's the hurry? Life goes by too fast as it is. I'm not much for day counting but it might be a day or two past 100 now. I still get worked up too easily. I still feel the need to be in control of every G*****n thing. I'm still too thin skinned. I'm still socially awkward and probably always will be. So I'm a 58 year old geek. There are worse things. Like being an addict. Controlled by some compulsion. Walking in circles with a blindfold on. I'm aware of what's behind me but it doesn't consume me anymore. I'm here in my skin and feeling not so bad about it. Everybody isn't going to like me and that's ok. I can see a future in front of me. Sobriety doesn't necessarily bring all sunshine and roses but it does let the light back in. I have lived in the shadows for way too long. It feels good to write. It feels right to be here. The whole day ahead of me. Happy New Year.

Nor'easter

Bombogenesis

Blizzard conditions

40-50mph wind gusts

Subzero temperatures

Exploding pipes

Yeeeeeehah! And away we go....The weatherman says this is gonna be a three day event. There are stampedes at the markets as folks grab carts and fight over the last loaves of bread. Insanity. Nothing on TV except news anchors robotically reading apocalyptic scripts from their TelePrompTers. The sky is falling!!! Sounds like winter has arrived in New England. I don't remember all this drama around snow storms when I was a kid. It's bad and we are worried about our pipes and if we will have heat on one of the coldest days of the year but I don't have control over the weather now do I ? I'm experiencing extreme anxiety at the moment which means sounds are magnified. I'm currently being driven crazy by the vibrations I hear coming from the outdoor heat pump condenser. This is the kind of s**t I want to numb myself from. NOISE! I believe the sound can be heard for miles and that angry neighbors will be pounding on our doors hollaring and frothing at the mouth threatening us with our lives if we don't silence the noise!! Yup that's what is going on in my head. Would I rather be taking drugs, drinking, stuffing, or gambling to distract myself from this f*****g insanity?? Uh yeah. I would prefer to be out of my pain. This obsession with keeping silent or be mauled by an angry mob is making me crazy. Time for medication? Perhaps but to me that's the same as all the others except this more socially acceptable. Quell the crazy's crazy with drugs. I think this my reaction to sound is a classic example of how my traumatic past has altered my wiring and brain chemistry. I would rather figure out how to live with this without medications. What I would really like to do is rip that heat pump condenser right off the wall!!

Quite a rant from me this morning. This is me off of gambling. CRAZY but gamble free. Take me to a party..

On the flip side:

noise cancelling headphones work wonders

I'm aware and ok with the fact that I cannot control the weather

In giving myself sobriety I get clarity in thought (I can feel crazy without being crazy)

I am able to start rebuilding hope by reclaiming trust in myself. I can trust myself. I'm smart and I'm a survivor

May not have my party pants on yet but I'm getting there.

So, I have reached my record high of gamble free days. I have managed abstinence for 15 weeks. Abstinence is essential. Stopping is the first step. Staying stopped means recognizing and managing all of the reasons why I do it in the first place. I have been working on this for over 5 years now. I will be working on this for the rest of my life. The top five:

5. Regret

4. Anger

3. Resentment

2. Fear

1. Shame

I have learned I have to judge less and accept more.

Forgiveness is something I do for myself. It doesn't make me weak it makes me spiritually strong.

I have leaned that my need to "hold on" has a neurological component. That doesn't mean I'm off the hook it just means I have to work a little harder at not being "in control".

A lot of my fear has to do with past trauma. Again this is not about blame but more about understanding and acceptance of myself faulty wiring and all.

I still need a lot of work when it comes to believing in myself and trusting myself.

Some days it's minute by minute. Breathing exercises. Patience. Gratitude. Positivity. Connectiing with people who bring out my light - the very best in me and steering away from the people who don't. Gen I was floundering in a sea of debt and regret and living from one gambling stint to the next I was the walking dead. Being alive and awake "sober" isn't all sunshine and happiness. In fact it can be a stone bi t c h. In between there are moments of pure joy. Moments of pure love.That's what I live for these days.

So, I have reached my record high of gamble free days. I have managed abstinence for 15 weeks. Abstinence is essential. Stopping is the first step. Staying stopped means recognizing and managing all of the reasons why I do it in the first place. I have been working on this for over 5 years now. I will be working on this for the rest of my life. The top five:

5. Regret

4. Anger

3. Resentment

2. Fear

1. Shame

I have learned I have to judge less and accept more.

Forgiveness is something I do for myself. It doesn't make me weak it makes me spiritually strong.

I have leaned that my need to "hold on" has a neurological component. That doesn't mean I'm off the hook it just means I have to work a little harder at not being "in control".

A lot of my fear has to do with past trauma. Again this is not about blame but more about understanding and acceptance of myself faulty wiring and all.

I still need a lot of work when it comes to believing in myself and trusting myself.

Some days it's minute by minute. Breathing exercises. Patience. Gratitude. Positivity. Connectiing with people who bring out my light - the very best in me and steering away from the people who don't. Gen I was floundering in a sea of debt and regret and living from one gambling stint to the next I was the walking dead. Being alive and awake "sober" isn't all sunshine and happiness. In fact it can be a stone bi t c h. In between there are moments of pure joy. Moments of pure love.That's what I live for these days.

Joan, you are certainly not alone, I have been a compulsive gambler for over a decade. i relapse on a frequent basis, this is my fifth day off gambling and at the moment,it feels great. Nobody knows about my addiction apart from this forum and my counsellor, there is defo light at the end of the tunnel and always remember , it could always be a lot worse.

Thanks for your kind words Thromoney.

I'm coping ok. Not great but doing my best. Trying to accept and adapt instead of dig in and resist. Remembering too that "there's a time for every purpose under heaven" and calling on the wisdom to find the difference. Life is continuous unrelenting INCOMING!! That's living. How I cope is everything.