Angel From Montgomery

Joan

Thirty days Yes 30 days of living!!!!

from me to you a massive well done!!!!

looking forward to the next 30,I am !!

Be proud very proud.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

thanks so much Hugh, Rach and Duncs!

Yup, I crossed off yet another gamble free day on my calendar this morning. Feeling a little low today. Yes, and I have got the same pants to get glad in. I know that.. I'm wondering if it might be that it is Thursday and an automatic trigger just like 7:30 PM used to be back in the day when we gambled almost every evening.. Not a full fledged urge, but more like an annoying little knat buzzing around my face. I have no intention to gamble. But, thought I should put all of my thoughts down even if they are not all "zippity doo dah" type thoughts.. this mennigitis outbreak due to tainted steroid injections has got me feeling less confident in medicine -- I'm grumbling about putting off surgery and Patrice is upset with me.. sigh.. Every now and then I just get that free falling feeling.. I dont know if it is good or bad really. Could be either or I guess.. I cant be in control all of the time. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." I'm gonna be okay. Our bills are paid, there is plenty of food in the pantry. The house is clean, warm, and dry. Everybody is relatively healthy. I have the support of all of you guys here at GC. Everything I need for a perfect day. I think I will kick it off with some music. Thanks for listening gang, and have a grrrrrreat day. Stay strong. I will too!! -joanxxxxx

Hello Diary,

It's 6 o'clock in the morning here in the States. I'm up with the chickens today. Another pink cross to mark another gamble free day on my calendar. I checked into Rachel's diary first thing and saw her post about a higher power. So, for what it's worth, the following are my reflections regarding a higher power: I suppose my beliefs in God have changed shapes over the years. When I was a kid I was quite certain that God was a man with a long white beard who lived on a cloud in heaven. He bore a strange resemblance to Santa Clause and my father I guess, without the beard. But, Santa and my dad let me down pretty hard. When I was a young woman I was quite certain that God was Jesus -- the man who came down to earth to save me by dying on the cross. But, the Jesus that people worship from where I come from "hates f**s" so, you do the math.. When I was 30 I went to a university in Chicago to study the "Historical Jesus". I learned some really interesting things about world religions there but, what impressed me most was the idea that people do not as a rule, rise from the dead now, so probably did not rise from the dead in the first century CE. It was about that same time that I decided to stop drinking. I had been drinking since I was 15 and was well on my way to becoming an alcoholic. I remember the first time I looked at the 12 steps and the one about handing my will over to a higher power. I remember sitting in a church basement shoulder to shoulder with other AAs many of whom were seaching for God, laying their burdens at the foot of "his cross". " telling it on a mountain." "Letting go and letting God." And, how I struggled with that step. Not because I couldnt find God. On the contrary. God would never leave me alone! God was always with me and I believe God is still with me now. For me, God is and has always been:

that nagging voice,

that phone that never stops ringing, Blondie's rope that sort of drops down out of nowhere and taps me on the nose,

the space between the words of that first Our Father said that day in that room when I held the hand of another recovering addict for the first time,

Getting a glimpse of the beauty in something that had at first appeared outwardly ugly ( happens very quickly and could be easily missed -- artists often find these moments and try desparately to capture them, but, most people think they are crazy.. )

Every single child,

Life itself,

And, I guess this list can and will go on and on. So, for me a higher power is not something that I can find because I can never lose it. It literally dogs me!! I have spent the better part of my life trying to run away from it. Turning my will over to my higher power for me means and has always meant that I must be still, and quiet, an empty page, an empty canvass, an empty glass.. oh well.. I took a chance at making sense but, feel as though I might have fallen very short.. lol! Have a great day everyone. Stay strong and I will too. Thanks for the food for thought Rach! HUGS -joanxxx

Hiya Joan...

your thoughts on your higher power there made me think too and it was a real privaledge to share it as for some i guess the God word is something the dont like to talk about...

I think your right..that we have guidence and our HP comes knocking but we miss the signs and messages when we are too wrapped up in our own heads,...

your post makes absolute sense and beauty in the smallest of things as you say is where it can be found also the turning over your will and trusting in the process,...wow ..a biggie Joan...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts ..i wrote my post today as I have not really felt a precence of a HP but i do get that nagging voice.....it seems to work for me in hindsight when i can look back and see that things happened for a reason...

hugs

R and D xx

Thanks again for the opportunity Rach. I will never let the opportunity to opine on controverisial topics ever get past me. Just like the chances of me EVER becoming a Stepford wife.. lol.. Thinking just feels good!! Thanks for being YOU! (((((((R/D)))))))

G'morning Diary!

Crossed off another gamble free day on my calendar. I don't have a clue what is on the agenda for today. Risky I know because idleness can sometimes bring on the dreaded urge. I think there is a huge difference between being bored and relaxing deliberately. So, today, I will try to relax miiiiiinfuuullllyyyy. I will make an attempt to live in each and every moment without trying to control it -- just for today I will not gamble and I will attempt to live in each moment deliberately.. One breath at a time. Now, there's a challenge. Talk tomorrow. Stay very strong. I will too. -joanxxxx just breathing....

Hi Diary,

Crossed off another gamble free day on my recovery calendar. I woke up feeling alive, curious, and filled with hope not dead and filled with guilt, shame, and dread. For me that about says it all. When I clear my mind of all distractions and allow myself to be an empty cup waiting to be filled up; I am open to infinite possibility. Life is wise and the Universe is abundant! I'm gonna live today as if this day was the only one that mattered. To anyone reading my diary -- Have a wonderful day and stary very strong. I will too. -joanxx

Yo,

The hurricane wind had blown you half way down page 3 what's that about .

Sent out a search party and a rescue mission was launched . All well back on page o e unscathed by the look of things

You sound happy positive and determined .

Bloooody Fantastic I say !

Shiny xxxxxxxx

Thanks for the bump Shiny!!

Crossing off the gamble free days and feelin groovy! lol. G'night everybody. Stay strong and I will too!! -joanxx

Crossed off another gamble free day! My calendar looks like a wall of pink crosses!! Feels like I'm running up hill this week but hope to have a quieter one starting tomorrow ( Turkey Day in the U.S.) Wishing everyone a great day and stay strong. I will too! -joanxx

joan

Good to read your crosses are still coming.

A massive well done from me to you.

Be very proud today you did something amazing!!

Duncs stepping forward never back

Thanks Duncs! Knowing that you are around supporting me and sooo many others on this journey is a tremendous comfort and I really do appreciate YOU for it.

It's Turkey Day! I am gamble free and all I have to do is watch football on tv and EAT!!! LOL! Life is good! It is a day of thanks and I am keeping all of my GC cyber peeps in my thoughts today as I scarf back all of those wonderful carbs!!! Have a great day everybody and stay strong I will. I can remember Thanks Giving Days in the past where I could not wait to finish dinner --just to get to that slot parlor. All of those miserable faces and one of them was me. Not today! Today I am smiling!! Why? Because TODY I AM NOT GAMBLING! 😀 -joanxxxx

hi joan

wonderful to see you are doing well right now and hope you enjoyed all your food and football on tv watching today, this is the way everyday should be for us

you cant change the past but you can dictate the future

carl

Happy thanksgiving Joan,

Hope you have had a fantastic day with the people you love . Sit back eat that turkey and enjoy the football.

Your doing brilliant joan and thank you so much for your posts its very much appreciated.

Take care sending hugs across the pond.

Blondie xxx

Happy belated thanksgiving Joan...

I imagined you all round the table with smiles and good memories and lot of love in your home ...

R and D xx

Happy belated thanksgiving my friend!

Womble is back!

Am really happy in all you have achieved Joan....So so proud!

Hugs Sue xxxxxxxxx