I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months. It is the best relationship I've ever been in, he is the most loving, caring partner and we completely adore each other. When we first got together, he was very open about the fact he used to be a gambling addict and was in recovery. His last bet was around 6 months before we met. When the year anniversary of his last bet came, we celebrated the occasion and had honest and frank conversations about his past.
Around 4 months ago, I found out he had relapsed and had gambled every penny he had. It was a truly devastating time. He hit rock bottom, was suicidal and nearly broke up with me because he believed I 'deserved better'. It was so painful to see the person I loved be so consumed by addiction and the self hatred that came with it. I stuck by his side and gave him all the support I could. After that, he proceeded to gamble his next two paychecks, again reaching a very low place. Since then, however, he had seemed to be on a better path. He attends counseling every week and now when he gets paid, he doesn't immediately gamble everything he earns. He also told me yesterday he feels really good and positive about it all, and I truly believed he was on the path to recovery again.
We are due to go on holiday next year, which we are paying off in installments. He booked the holiday (before he relapsed) so he was in charge of making the payments. He text me today saying it was final repayment day, and he asked me to send him over my half of the money so he could pay it off. I stupidly did, even though I had a niggling feeling that he might be lying, as I was sure the payment day was at the end of next month. I asked him to send me a confirmation email that he had paid it off for my own peace of mind, and rather than sending this he sent me the booking confirmation of the holiday from months ago, which set off alarm bells for me. Anyway, on this email I was actually able to access his account using the booking ref and see what he had paid off... I found out he had been lying about paying the money off and has paid off a fraction of what I have sent him. I feel sick that he has lied to me about this and actively asked me for the money. He's currently away for a few days with his friend and I haven't felt able to bring it up with him via text message, and also, despite everything, still want him to enjoy his weekend, so am waiting until I see him face to face on Sunday. I just feel utterly devastated that he has lied about this and not sure what to do. He recently moved in with me and I love him so much. It absolutely breaks my heart that he is going through this, but at the same time I also feel so hurt and betrayed by him and just generally very overwhelmed 🙁 I am dreading Sunday and having to bring it up with him as don't want to spark a downward spiral, as he has seemed in such a good/happy place recently.
Hi Anon, welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear this has happened. Understandably, you feel hurt and betrayed by your partner's actions. You are welcome to contact our helpline at 0808 8020 133 if you would like to talk to an adviser about what has happened and how we can support you both moving forward. We are open 24/7. You don't have to go through this alone.
Hey @anon I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through—I can understand how painful and challenging this must be.
In my experience, constant lying often indicates that the person is hiding their addiction they’re not yet ready to confront it even if they are going to counselling sessions. Someone who truly wants to stop is typically more open and honest, even when they relapse.
My advice would be to prioritize yourself and do what’s best for you. It’s natural to think that by loving and supporting someone, you can help them overcome their addiction. While that support is invaluable when someone is ready to change, the behaviours your boyfriend is displaying suggest he may not be there yet.
I was in a similar situation for 10 years, and I dedicated two of those years (once I had found out) to trying to support my partner through their addiction. Unfortunately, my efforts meant little because they lacked the commitment and honesty needed to change - if someone lies you can no help and support them to that change. Looking back, I wish I had left the relationship sooner instead of investing so much time in someone who lied, manipulated, and prioritized their addiction over me.
When someone says you deserve better, it often holds truth. If they genuinely wanted to improve, they would work with you openly and honestly, even when setbacks occur.
I hope this doesn’t come across as harsh—I just wish someone had given me this advice early in my own relationship. Ultimately, I had to leave for the sake of my mental health. Please take care of yourself (financially & mentally) and put yourself first x
Sorry to hear this. It really hit home for me as I was that boyfriend (husband in fact). I lied. I spend holiday money. Basically I was a d*k! I will counter the previous and say whilst I agree with most of it, it’s not the end of the world. Yes, the lies indicate the gambling is still going on. Yes, I don’t think your partner is quite ready to give up yet. I was that person 8 months ago. My wife left me. I hot rock bottom. I still quit. I’ve rebuilt my life and it’s now full of honesty and openness. Admittedly my wife is now my ex, but maybe a bold statement from you to say, quit or I’m off will make him realise he’s***t rock bottom. If that doesn’t work then, yes, it’s time to go.
This can be fixed, but unfortunately you don’t have much say in it. I know from personal experience that leaving gambling behind can be a thing. It’s whether you can be there for that person, or even if they are ready to leave it behind. If they are not, run. Remove yourself from that situation. You will only get hurt. If they are ready, you can rebuild.
You have some tough times ahead, and you have to look after you first. Life does go on. Hopefully he realises it can be with you. If not, you will move on. Trust me.
Stay strong 💪
I'm really sorry to hear this, the addiction has the ability to make people lie and do things out of their confort zone however the big question is how much is he willing to change it is possible am currently on day 511 g/f however i have invested my time into recovery along with the blocks, my advice is to get him registered on here, i have been in recovery since 2011, i have found it difficult however it only the last couple of years i have been very committed i wasent giving it 100% situation has i wasent pushed into anything Ga blocks has my friends and family had little understanding about the addiction since i have been comitted i feel i am making progress has i have invested in my time how i can improve myself its a life long illness and their no majic cure the addiction will test me and can do at anytime for various reasons the goal is to not place the first bet, he too can make those changes sadly alot of people i see coming on here are not giving it 100%
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