Angel From Montgomery

Hi Joan,

Although we are thousands of miles away and have never met, today I think we are in tune, my post today was going to be about shame and then I watch as I try to most Sundays , super soul Sunday ,

I really liked this, Your not obliged to watch it, I just wanted to share

Enjoy your day.

Blondie xxx

http://www.oprah.com/own-supe…-and-Brene-Brown-Part-2-Video

Yo,

Yo,

Once again related to so much of what you wrote .

I find your words , your thoughts so very close to my own . At times I feel you and I are peas in a pod ( and it looks like Ms B feels the same) .Now again on this site you meet someone who wants to look what lies beneath the addictive behaviour to find the what's next , I believe you are one of those people like myself .

So for the second time in a week , I wanted to say Wow to that post , and thank you so much for continually posting your thoughts , I truly get so much out them !

I have posted the thoughts that came to me after reading this post on my own thread , did not want to hijack yours .

Inspired again !

Thank you

Shiny xxxxxxxx

Hey, I just watched that Oprah piece on shame and it was absolutely awesome!!!!!!! Blondie and Shiny I just want to thank you both for seeing me, hearing me, and not judging me today. Words cannot describe. Just want to thank you!!!!! -joanxxxx

Joan.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing.

My view simply we had to learn to endure losing to see we can win to.

I know and understand those holes will never be filled, but today enjoy the beat it pounds.

That great big wonderful heart of yours.

Just for today, god granted you great humility.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Together we may be broken but we constantly repair.

I remember last month you spoke on my diary about having days of clarity and in my eyes you have certainly expressed so clearly your feelings today.

Feeling quite weepy as relate so much to what you say. I too suffered trauma as a child, although not in the same form as you and as you know I struggle with eating disorders dating mainly from my ex husband instilling in me I didn't deserve to walk this earth unless I was a size 8 and I ended up weighing 84lbs. Has taken me 25years and much work to begin to find my own identity as have hidden behind made up ones til now.

So many things I would love to discuss with you but I am in danger of invading your territory, especially self harm and your example of biting your arm off when cornered rings so true.

As Duncs has said I also thank you from the bottom of my heart.

xxx

Hey Joan,

Extremely powerful post! I wish you all the peace and happiness you can find. You deserve it. Much congrats to your continued abstinence.

Chicagoguy

Hi Joan,

Thanks for your post on my diary the other day.

Keep strong and take care

MW

Thanks so much for the support everybody.

Hi Diary: I'm at 3 weeks and 1 day. My new goal will be to make it 4 weeks. I started this diary back in July of 2012 and I have had alot of ups and downs. Today, I believe I might actually see a tiny light at the end of a very long tunnel. For now, I'm gonna stay focused on that light. -joanxxx

Yo,

Get those shades ready Hun , coz you are going to need them !

Hugs

Shiny xxxxxx

Really made me giggle your story about seeing Joni and having to be carried as rain had flooded everywhere and you said 'things we used to do in those days' ----- have spend half the winter wading through waist high water to get onto my boat -- ah hum 'the things we still do these days' or at least the things weirdos like me still do.

Used to love the concerts and think I already told you I saw Dylon near here last summer but he has not aged well and some of his songs unrecognisable. Have treated myself to a ticket for Leonard Cohen in June so will save all my sorrow up for that day and really bawl my eyes out as the only thing to do listening to him, very therapeutic.

Reading your diary has really made me think much more deeply about how my childhood affected me and realise it is long forgotten by my family, it culminated in a suicide attempt age 13 which is why I feel I can relate to the young people I work with. so more work to be done but for today I feel good and wish you the best of everything life has to offer as you certainly deserve it.

Jumping up and down waving with the prospect of a hopeful future.

xxx

xxx

Thanks Shiny and Rainbows!

Hi Diary:

I promised myself I would write something in my diary every day regardless so here goes: Today, I'm feeling good and rested. I have to go into work in about an hour or so. I am grateful for who and what I have to call my own. The difference today is that for once I feel deserving of those good things. I deserve to be happy. I am letting the past go. So many on here have said this and now I believe it myself for myself. The past is in the past and cannot be fixed or changed. That, is a fact. I read once that "resentment is like a glass of poison that a man drinks; and then he sits down and waits for his enemy to die." Will urges continue to come and go? I am certain they will. However I have made a discovery; that on my 52 and soon to be 53 year old model there is a button called "pause". Gambling urges are not the only urges I get. I realize that now. The habit is in the reacting. The habit is in the space before thinking. One breath away from making the right or wrong choice. I have to remember to breathe first. So, on that note. I am taking a deeeeeeep breath and .... Ahhhhh... I'm outta here. -joanxxxx

Hi Diary:

I would like to think that it was the 12 step program that took me to a spiritual awakening. I think that's what they call it somewhere around the 11th or 12th step... Words like spiritual, god, the f word do not trigger me because I gave up on formal religions a long long time ago. I have no attachment to religious fanatics or anything like that. I have my own ideas about all of that and I am not worried about whether or not folks agree with me. It really does not and should not matter should it? When Ed died, something inside of me just popped. I don't know if I can explain it. Something happened. Maybe a lock on a dusty old chest that I thought I had safely hidden away popped opened. I have been spending alot of time thinking about him and going back to a time when we were kids. I had to go back there. That's were Ed was and I wanted to see him again. My childhood although happy at times is tinged maybe a better word would be marked-- the discoloration or line is shame. I didnt want to at first but, I went there and for I believe the first time on here actually said the words childhood sexual abuse and connected it with ME and my shame and the subsequent addictions I have grappled with. I put it out there. My shame for all to see. Maybe not the best decision I have ever made. Still kicking myself for that one. lol. Oh well. What's done is done and we live and we learn. My next goal is to get past this weekend. That would make 4 solid weeks and 2 paychecks without beating myself up at a casino. I no longer have the desire to torture myself for what another had done to me so long ago. Plain and simple. When a deep connection is made an awakening takes place and no amount of torment or needling can take that away from me. Again, what is done is done and we live and we learn. Getting ready to tackle another day at work. I like this group. They are scrappy like me. lol! Take Care everybody. -joanxx

Hi Joan,

I think it was one of the best things you could do for your recovery to put it out there and you courage to do that has given me the kick up the back side I need to deal with my shame.

Remember what brena brown said , shame can not survive being spoken !!! Shame can not survive empathy !

keep it in that box along with secrecy , silence and judgement and it grows.

Opening the box will I believe set us free.

Your are a brave lady Joan, that comes from being a survivor .

Keep going.

Take care

Blondie xxx

Yo,

I agree with Ms B getting it out , instead of keeping it that box to grow is bestest .

By do so it looses power , by accepting you can not change the past ( although honey I wish I could for you ) it looses power .

I am soooooooo proud of you today ,as I hope you are yourself !

Biggest hugs sweet pea , the future is ours for the taking 🙂

Shiny xxxxxxxxx plus a million cuddles to boot .

Hey Joan,

Hope your doing well, getting some good old rainy weather back in Chi-town today. A couple nice rumbles here and there along with the power going out a couple times while I'am trying to post. Much congrats to all your achievements and your bravery! Stay strong your doing brilliant.

Chicagoguy