Angel From Montgomery

Thanks Chicago and Rainbows.

Hi Diary:

Coming up to Day 19, I guess. My goal is to make 30 this time. I will take it minute by minute if I have to. Going into work in a little while but, was glad to be able to read a few diaries. I hate it when I am behind in the reading and I find out that there are folks going through lousy times. I know all too well what that is like. When I want to punch out the person who says "cheer up".. When everybody around me seems to be making progress and all I do is take steps back... I really hate that feeling and although I can certainly relate I have to keep moving in my own recovery. It is true that we have to put ourselves first. If I don't everyone else around here will suffer right along with me. So, today, I take another step forward and pray that I can resist taking the bait. Falling back into the habit of just reacting before thinking. Hitting the pause button. Reminding myself that there are things I can do something about and things that I cannot change. That's all I can do. -joanxxx

Hey Joan,

Some brave and honest posting from you, I think Chicago guy posted some info from his therapy session and I really liked the bit about emotions. Without question my friend you are a survivor , you count, you matter, your worth it, your strong and your beginning to understand the whys and how's of your recovery which is something not everyone gets. Keep peeling that onion lovely lady I am rooting for you all the way.

I thought you might like some of these

* I have the right to state my own needs and set my own priorities

* I have the right to say yes or no for myself

* I have the right to ask for what I want (the emphasis is on asking not demanding

* I have the right to make statements that have no logical basis and which I do

not have to justify (e.g. Intuitive ideas and comments)

* I have the right to express my feelings and emotions (anger and sadness)

* I have the right to express my values and opinions

* I have the right to be successful

* I have the right to make mistakes

* I have the right to fail (not to succeed)

* I have the right to change my mind

*I have the right to decline responsibility for other peoples problems

* I have the right to deal with others without being dependent upon them for approval

* I have the right to privacy

* I have the right to change myself and be an assertive person

* I have the right to be alone and independent

* I have the right to be vulnerable and need others

* I have the right to be treated with respect as an intelligent capable human being

You have the right Joan, keep posting

Just for today

Blondie xxx

Oh,Blondie, thank you so much for that post!! When another person or persons invade your personal space you forever feel like a refugee in your own skin. Gosh, I cannot tell you how much it means to me to have another understand what it means to feel violated and occupied and how important it is to reclaim what is mine. It has nothing to do with the "acts" per se. It has to do with the loss of one's most personal space. Using another person like a doll or a rag -- a thing. Something to be used. Left to feel empty and useless, incompetent, and always guilty and ashamed. Anyway, I really did appreciate the post Blondie!!!! ((((((((((((((Christine))))))))))))))

So Diary:

I got thru the day and now have 4 off. Thank God!! I am exhausted. I'm whining but, yes, there are days when I feel like a corporate slave. So many of us dragging about all washed out, coughing, feeling like sh it but at work because we are LUCKY to have jobs at all. Anyway, I also feel a sense of accomplishment. I actually do like what I do, which is train staff so actually get some gratification along with the pay. Oh well, that's me today. Gambling? No. It is again, the furthest thing from my mind. -joanxxx

Hey Joan,

Glad your doing well, stay at it, I will be posting what I have to eat on my diary, if you need any recipes just ask me which ones, and I'll post it for you. All real simple stuff, I don't make anything to complicated. Glad your taking a stand for yourself and needs also, congrats on your gamble free days!

Chicagoguy

Thanks Chicago. You caught a walleye eh? I love bass fishing and I cannot wait til they start biting over here!

Hi Diary:

I'm at Day 20 and feeling a little bit shaky. For me it is this constant internal battle between my adled addict personality, and my rational naturally open and creative mind. A battle between joan of the light and joan of the darkness. I get up and there they are sitting at the breakfast table waiting to be served. The decision about who will be served and who will be dismissed from the table is mine alone. The one I decide to feed today is the one that will be the stronger. Today, I will feed joan of the light. joan of the dark will be dismissed from the table. I refuse to feed that part of me. Maybe some day she will wither away and die. A day does not go by when I don't think of Ed lying there all alone on the floor of his little apartment. He lost the battle but, I believe he fought a good fight. He fed his addiction until his poor mind, and body gave out. I refuse to feed that adled addict personality today. I am going to give myself a dose of daylight and then sit with P and come up with a plan for what we can do today to steer clear from trouble! Day 20 !! -joanxxxx

Hiya Joan

Its a long hard journey we are on and u know that more than anyone , what u av been through and not given in the towel amazes me , it really is a true testament to ur character

I'm really pleased we see our recoveries the same way an acceptance that we may slip but knowing we will fight back , life will get better for us both and corners will be turned , at the end we will both be standing tall and be so much stronger for it

Take care

Castle2

Hi Diary:

OK then. Went out with P for picnic breakfast at the lake near our home. I ranted about some things for about an hour. I feel better now. The plan for today is to go see Jurassic Park in 3D. My initial response to that was umm NO. Then I realized:

1. P asked me if I would go with her because Jurassic Park is one of her favorite movies.

2. I used to spend about 5.00 per minute to play slot machines that are nothing more than little cartoon images. NOT even 3D so, w*f do I have to complain about?

3. I actually have money to go to the movies with!! I might even buy some f u ck ing popcorn!! lol! 20 days of no gambling= money in the bank. I can reach in my pocket today and buy something that will make P happy! YEEEEEEEHAAAAAA!! So, off we go! This weekend is not going to be easy and I know it. BUT, right at this moment I feel like I am on top of the world! I'm gonna take this moment and put it in a bottle to have for the next time I feel like

sh it on a stick. -joanxxxx

Thanks for your post on my diary today Joan.

Glad you understand, as I understand you too. Those split persona's are dreadful. I can be great at times, then S***e at others!

Enjoy the film

Much love

MW (Ade) x

Yo,

Thank you so much for your post and your kindness .

You really are one hell of a lady!

As for the flicks ( bit if English slang ) enjoy , well sort of not my cuppa tea either , but making P happy , priceless !

Try not to worry bout the weekend , just take one step at a time . You are doing really well Hun, keep that thought if the old demons start whispering in your ear .

Again Thank you

Shiny xxxx

Thanks everybody who posted in spite of the fact that the site was down. I struggled a little because it was down during prime gambling time for me. But,

Hi Diary:

I got through it. As hokie as that self hypnosis tape seemed at first, it certainly came in handy last night. I have no desire to gamble this morning. Am I a little aggrevated by things? Always. I have the thinnest skin on the planet. I let everything and everyone bug the he l l out of me. Do I struggle with staying in the moment? Absolutely. I discovered what happens to me or where I go when I am alone with myself in the silence AND, by the way, it is not an amusement park!!! However, I am working on changing that. I am aware now, that there is a positive and negative energy outside and inside of me and that positivity attracts positivity. And, we all know that misery loves company. Which will I choose? It is always a choice regardless of the circumstances. One of the first diaries I read was Sabine's. I'm gonna say it again, it is always a choice regardless of the circumstances. God bless you Sabine. So, that is where I am today. Standing in my own skin with an opportunity to do the right thing. Walking proudly among the other like minded people who are here because they just want to get better. Taking it one step at a time. Making a choice sometimes one minute at a time to continue moving forward in spite of the pain, the adversity, the aggrevation. For me at this moment I don't feel the need to gamble and even better yet I really don't want to. 21 days is three weeks. Three weekends and a payday in between. Yeehah!! -joanxxxx

Hey Joan,

Stay strong your doing great, hoping to get out here later and do some fishing, there calling for rain today, so I'am waiting a bit before I venture out. Glad your doing so well, stay positive.

Chicagoguy

Hi Judy... and thanks for your support. Iv'e just read your last couple of posts and the first post of your diary and first off well done on your 3 weeks clean. I sure know how addictive the slots are and like you say once you've had a win its easy to get addicted to wanting to repeat that high. I find it always takes a good few weeks after a gamble to settle my emotional brain into not craving the adrenaline surge and like you suggest even low stakes machines can cause a lot of problems.

I only ever played low stakes machines and in many ways I just prolonged the agony.. and that's what it was all about really.. TIME at the machine... the outcome was inevitable. Stay focussed and keep yourself distracted when them urges come along. Regards... S.A 🙂

Understand what you mean by walking proud in your own skin but such hard work at times with all the outside influences battering us non stop. You are doing a brilliant job reinforcing your battlejacket, mines patched up all over and straining at the seams some nights but battling on regardless.

First beautiful sunny day of the year here so the world and his wife out sailing, driving and walking past my boat in case we are back to the doom and gloom tomorrow but for today it really lifts the soul so just having a chill day, waving gently from by chair and raising a coffee cup to you.

xxx

Hi Judy

Thanks very much for your message. Congratulations on reaching 3 weeks gambling free. I hope to be a few weeks behind you for a long time to come!

Best wishes

Dave X

Hi Diary,

I woke up this morning feeling inspired by all of the CGs who are working toward healthier lifestyles. Folks that are now rediscovering thier self worth. I use food like a drug sometimes. I wish to define the word escape because I worry that it may be taken out of context. For example, thinking that I choose an escape for fun, or excitement. Like going on a vacation or a ferry ride is wrong. Escape for me in the context of addiction is feeling like an animal trapped in a snare that is willing to chew thier own leg off in order to get free. When I am in "escape" mode I am not fully in my body. Folks who understand PTSD know what I am talking about. Escape in this context means fight or flight. Blondie's story about the bear and the thorn gets at this idea of not being able to be a "real bear" like all of the others because of this secret deep, festering, wound. At some point, I really do not remember when it was but, I became aware that I was "different". All I remember was an overwhelming sense of sadness and dread and a feeling that others might be able to see through all the way to my shame. I was no longer authentic. The real version of myself. I had been dropped somehow and broken into pieces. I wanted to run away. For years I hid beneath layers of fat hoping and praying that I my shame would not be seen. To this day, whenever I am feeling relaxed or whenever I get a break from the day to day my mind goes back "there" and the habit is to fight, or flee. To reach for the nearest drug. Today, as far as I am concerned, anyone who tells me that I have it good or easier because I have some twisted belief that I have no other alternative than to self destruct is obviously not standing in my shoes. As Mr. T. would say. I pity the fool. Crawling out of one pit and falling into another in a dream state always feeling trapped has been no picnic for me! Addicts who do not figure out a way to get out often times die. Maybe that is the secret wish of all of us who have ever been victimized by an addict. When my father died I could not cry. All of this leaves such a bad taste in my mouth and I wish I did not have to write this but, it has been inside me for far too long. I did not ask to be a victim. It just happened. Up to this point I have tried everything to escape my pain and shame, and sadness, and rage. Addiction took my favorite brother. He is forever lost to me and if there is a God somewhere I believe Ed is with him. Addicts wind up killing themselves. It is not an act of some benevolent god. Victims make choices too. I no longer wish death upon those who have hurt me. I forgive them because I have to. I do it for me not them. Anyone who thinks that forgiveness is for chicken sh i ts does not get it. Forgiveness is for me. It is the only escape or way out that is real. The rest is just chewing off body parts one at a time. Running in circles or making the same mistakes over and over again expecting a different outcome. For me it has always been about this deep festering wound. The thorn in my heart. My shame. I would rather bury it than face the agony of having it exposed. This process has sucked at times and writing this sucks but, it is done and I am not hitting the edit button. What happened to me happened a long time ago. One of the people who probably hurt me the most is living right upstairs in a room that used to be mine. She is very old and fragile now and needs my help. I have to forgive her for not protecting me. Not for her but, for me. I have been broken and insane for years now. I am trully sorry for anyone that I might have hurt along the way but, there are no innocents here. We all get hurt and then hurt eachother. I am not a victim anymore. I am a survivor and today, that's right I have the audacity to think that I too deserve and have a right to a healthy body a healthy mind and a future. I will no longer pay any more with my skin, my mind, or my money. As Shiny said, she had paid her dues. That's right! It's been 3 weeks since I have reached out to gambling for some kind of relief. We all know what kind of relief gambling gives an addict right? A swift kick in the bu t t cra ck with a steel toed boot!! I have discovered that as an addict I reward myself with pain and punishment because that is all I knew. I know better now. The road in front of me is long and today I feel exposed because of this gaping hole in my heart but, I am standing upright and I'm walking. I forgive all of those who have hurt me because I have to. -joanxxx