Angel From Montgomery

Thank you for the posts and Rainbows thanks for the tune and, I know that had I been at that concert that I would have had a great time! Another one of my all time favorites of his is Suzanne... I'ts been so long since I've been to a concert. Ages really...

I have been keeping myself very busy today. We are getting P ready for her business trip to Texas. She's leaving tomorrow morning so lot's of details to sew up while she's here. Rach, you had said that you fear loss of your health the most and for me, my greatest fear is losing P. I think I might go completely insane without her. Not a creepy kind of attachment that we have. We are just so very close and this world and my life I am affraid would just suck like a ss without her in it. Whenever she gets on a plane to go somewhere I don't stop worrying until she's back home safe. I send her off with medicine bags filled with St. Christophers and crystals. I smudge her and douse her in holy water from Fatima. I do! LOL! I know that sounds nuts but, it's just how it is. Next month she is going to London for a conference! I was going to tag along but, there is no way we can leave mom on her own here with all of the animals for over a week, Plus because of our spending our hard earned on bull shi t gambling we really cannot afford plane fare and room and board for me let alone pocket money to spend. Tonight after supper we mow the lawn and then go for a drive to look at the Supermoon. I will be taking you all with me and wishing us all continued strength on our journeys. I have been grappling with urges all day so, I gave P a handful of cash and she bought us all kinds of shi t that we could have probably lived without. But, at least we will have something to show for it. I got a great pair of jeans out of it! lol! She got a pair of sandals that she had been eyeing. What really P*** es me off at myself is that I can waste hundreds and at times even thousands on gambling at a brick and mortar but, am so tight fisted when it comes to giving P some extra cash to blow on clothes. So today I handed it over and said go nuts. Tuesday thru Thursday I'm doing a training and I won't get into any trouble while P is away because we have a code: If we gamble we do it together or not at all. That's me on this Sunday late afternoon. Gamble free at the moment but really struggling. -joanxxxxx

hey Joan ...I wish I could see that supermoon...i hope you have a camera : > ) xxxx

Joan ...I hate to see you beating your self up..Not sure if this helps bit just to share something with you in the hope it may make you feel normal and not bad...

Bad thoughts do not make us bad people .xx

I wished my mother dead all the time growing up and then she did me a favour and died...it literally was her or me and one of us had to go for the other to live and she did me a favour in many ways. That is not an abnormal thought to have about someone even a parent who has caused you great hurt....

I also wished the police would knock on my door and tell me my ex had died as that would have been easier than having to make the decision to leave him.The responsibility would not have been mine.

I don't feel a bad person for having those thoughts and I also don't think you are a bad person for sometimes feeling similar feelings...if we are honest we all have thoughts of that nature.

Wishing death in someone in the way you speak i think is not about wishing hurt ..to me it sounds almost wanting that person to be invisible so we don't have to deal with the stuff they bring up in us...

I will be honest Joan I have wished all kinds of pain scenarios on my ex..Martin Scorsesee would be proud but im not going to act on those thoughts ..death bed scenarios , jumping up and down on graves...etc .even with those imaginings I still don't feel a bad person ..

My mother , I jjust wanted her invisible and for someone else to deal with her and protect me...

I think If I kept all my bad thoughts in I would explode and my diary has helped so much with discharging them in a safe place.

You are a good person

Thank you Rach. I know what you are saying and I try to tell myself that thinking something does not mean the same thing as doing something....

There a is a Marianne Faithful song called guilt that comes to mind. lol..

So, then, diary: Yes, well I have been working so no time for getting into any trouble. The urges are still there and quite strong at times. I'm in a real gamble funk lately. It seemed to have started with a bull shi t story I told myself about being able to have a controlled stint at the brick and mortar. It's like Charlie Brown falling for that kick the football routine with Lucy. Lucy says, this time I won't pull it away. I promise. Gullible Charlie takes the bait and sets off running toward the ball and of course the rest is history... I'm ok tonight. Gotta go in again tomorrow. P will be home tomorrow nite and we have the kids Friday and Saturday so, no time for trouble there. So that's me. Gamble free but, hanging on by a thread. -joanxxxx

Hey Joan...

I posted that Charlie Brown clip on castles diary the other day ...spooky ...xxx

R and d xx.....reading and knowing you will be okay xx

Judy.

Dont be too hard on yourself my friend, that may only be a thread but you do have it in your hands!!

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Sounds like a weekend you wont find in any casino??

Hoping you two peas are reunited in your pod xxx

Yo,

Funny thing bout thread , it can be one strand thick , it can be many . It can be cotton , or elastic , or even steel.

The way I see it , is that tread is far thicker and far stronger than it was the day you joined this site .

Everyday you add another strand by being open honest and giving everything you have to your recovery .

Yep last week I broke a strand as you did a short while ago but the rest of the thread we have knitted together is still in tact , and replenished daily by us continuing the good fight .

Does any of this make sense , hope so .

Enjoy your weekend ,

Shiny xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Rach, Duncs and Shiny. I wish I was as strong and resolved as you all. I am not gambling but, I might as well be because it seems to be on my mind constantly. I had the kids over since last night and they are keeping us really busy! Which, is a good thing and Duncs you are absolutely right so much more to it than wasting time and hard earned money at a smelly casino. I have got to strengthen my resolve again. I have got to get through this grieving process without falling apart. Maybe it is a strong thread that I am dangling from at the moment. I have got to find my faith in myself again. I just feel like I am free falling.. Have to go now and bail out poor P who is doing the majority of the entertaining. lol. Auntie Joan does the cooking and personal care. Don't forget we have Grandma, 2 dogs, a couple of guinea pigs, and our rabbit Charlotte on this listing Ark as well. lol!!! Smooth sailing everyone. And I hope to be back on diaries regular next week. Thanks for hanging in there with me. I can be a real slug sometimes. -joanxxxxx

Joan.

don't be too hard on yourself my dear friend.

you do have hold on that rope,

those thoughts that torment you are being faced square on

it reads like your fighting the heavy weight champion of the world who's throwing punches at will, none of them legal, but you refuse to go down.

we are here in your corner, we can't fight for you, but rest assured we fight with you, blow for blow.

the are many rounds to go, but you will go the distance and what's more you will win.

this year you have the underdog won more rounds than you have lost.

for that be very very proud.

of you i am.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Joan, we all seem to believe in you far more than you do yourself. You come across to me who is determined, has a sense of humour (needed sometimes) and a willingness to overcome this awful addiction. Despite how tough it gets, and there will be tough times, I see you facing them, learning from them and eventually overcoming them. I don't know why exactly I think this, I just do. Of course there will be times when all you can think about is gambling, I remember the utter frustration of those urges. The angst of having something controlling you rather than you controlling it was unbearable. Yet believe me, the more you fight, the more you accept that this is the weaning off process and the more you keep putting time between bets then the urges become more manageable and less powerful. You regain control again and start to create a happier life, free from this mania we call gambling. You've got to really teach yourself to hate gambling, not yourself. Think of all those greedy, rich casino bosses laughing at your misfortune. How their hospitality is all false just to trick you into losing your money. They don't care about you only what you're carrying in your purse. They would consider you losing your home, family, mind and life even as merely 'good business.'

You've got to find ways to find gambling repulsive and not fun, recreational and indeed manageable. For to us it's blatantly not. Free yourself from temptation and exclude from each and every source of gambling possibility.

Forgive me Joan for now I'm rambling. However, long it takes I believe you'll get there and beat this. Everyday you'll have a chance to learn and understand and regain both control and power.

Keep strong

Steve

Mornin Joan

Ur made of tough stuff u feel like gambling but u dont when u av slipped u deal with it and get back on track straight away , that inspires me and many others

What ur putting in now with all ur hard work and effort will benefit u so much when life starts to get easier and it will , like u at times it seems neverending but it will and all of this now will make us stronger for the future

Take care

Castle2

Hey Joan ..

Can't speak for anyone else in here but I sure as hell have not found the right formula yet and am also hanging on ....Somedays I just wear different clothes from my psyches dressing up box for a while..trying on new coping mechanisms.

Definately a work in progress Joan but hey ! Maybe the journey is what it's all about rather than the destination.

Also don't undersell your talents ..your contribution is also very much valued as I know it will be at home. You and P have different talents but both are important and as a combination work as a whole ...

My relationships become competitive so I have no idea what it is like to be with someone who compliments you ..like salt to pepper ...or as Kate Bush sings "every old sock meets an old shoe " ..

The Ark sounds fun ...you and P and the helm takimg turns to hold the wheel and steering it through choppy seas...

Only difference is you are a one off , never to be repeated ,limited edition Joan....no one like you and the most precious of cargo. ; )

R and D xx

Good Morning! Thanks to all for the supportive posts. And, you are all absolutely right -- I have to learn how to hate gambling not myself! Some days I don't know who is more powerful, cunning, and baffling. My addiction to gambling or my own denial. For me, it has been a constant battle to just keep it real. When I am faking it until I am making it -- I go into flowery mode where everything is beautiful OR I go into god loves a cheerful giver mode. That's ok I guess for awhile as long as I don't get lazy and drop my anchor there. One strong wind or one rogue wave and my "ship of safety" is sunk. Falling down and getting right back up again for me IS keeping it real. But, if I want to make any more progress it's gonna mean replacing gambling for once and for all with something that really IS entertaining and manageable. So, the bottom line for me is: I need to get real and keep it real. For me that means to get the f**k out of denial! At times I am a bigger liar than all of those casino moguls strung together. Nobody is holding a gun to my head telling me to draw money out to gamble with. I am the one telling myself to go ahead and have fun. There is a song that I love by the Indigo Girls called Closer I Am to Fine. That pretty much sums up what my journey has been like for me so far.

"There's more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line

and the less I seek my source for some definitive the closer I am to fine"

joanxxxxxxxx

Hi Joan

thought of you when I was at my mum's house on friday and think you should be canonised - as in made a saint not shot at with a large ball shaped object - as my stress levels could only manage one day and I had to drive home that night feeling guilty at 'abandoning her'.

Also you write about 'flowery mode where everything is beautiful'. When my children were tiny I had a couple of years when I took on the chutney making, afternoon tea with posh neighbours role and at the time thought I was blissfully happy. In retrospect a few years later I was gutted that I had given up my painting along with my real rather strange group of friends. What I am trying badly to say is how do we know when we are really happy or just kidding ourselves and does it matter if the feeling is the same. Sometimes here on the river my simple life feels blissful then other days I want to throw dog poo at people not just in their gardens. Is this normal or am I some weird freak type person that is just never satisfied with what they have. Answers on a postcard please. Sorry all about me yet again but thought you might understand.

Entertaining and manageable - maybe knitting will do the trick and I can fool myself into thinking I have found the answer.

Hope the heatwave is not frying everyones brains out there, just beautiful here on the river and all the fishers camping on the riverbank, see off I go again.

Waving from my deck now covered in flowers and veg (growing not just thrown there) and sending hugs back.

xxx

Now that just sounds like great unclean fun. Enjoy

xxx