Angel From Montgomery

Thanks again Rach.

Well, good morning world:

I'm here. I'm trying to think when this last relapse, slip, slide, oops, happened... Does it matter? Yeah, why not go back to the beginning? I was happily racking up weeks and counting paydays. I was tracking paydays because for me it is the money piece of the triangle that I must keep constant vigil over. I have noone to give my money over to. I was really making progress. I think what happened to me was maybe some erosion somewhere? I do not believe it was complacency although I can see how that could happen over time... Something subconcious I believe. It would be too easy to blame a particular post but I suspect that my mind unbeknownst to me was feverishly calculating? There is no gambling demon squatting in the recesses of my mind. It is me. A part of me that is still not convinced that gambling is off the table. I used to call all of the "parts" of me " my people on the bus" lol. Folks will think that I am referring to multiple personalities. No It's not like that but, my inner world can get complicated at times. People with pasts like me can go into trance like states without really working at it. I don't need a drum. lol. Whether or not anyone else knows what I am talking about really does not matter to me today. This is my diary and I have decided to indulge myself. I have slipped, fallen hundreds of feet face down into a mud pit and I survived it. If I want to sit here in my underpants and contemplate the mystery of the sphinx I guess that would be my perogative. So, back to the people on the bus.... Somewhere, somehow, I got the notion that I could have a controlled stint in front of a slot machine and I went with it. Then, I won. Then I spent down the winnings. Then, I told myself --no, I promised myself that I would not could not dip into the savings. That would be crossing the line. Then, I crossed the f***k ing line and today here I sit... Hanging my head? No. I'm too angry for shame right now. f***k shame! Guilt? No, f***k that too. We have a plan in place. We had a family meeting yesterday where we opened up the books and everyone knows what the current bottom line is. Contractors will be contacted next week and work on the house will begin and we will spend down every remaining dime on getting the exterior of the house painted and the electrical sorted out in the basement. So, no. We did not lose the entire farm this time around. I suspect I might hear that I am not a real compulsive gambler because if I were -- I would have blown the whole lot. It was S***e like that that triggered me in the first place so let me be clear to all of my "people on the bus": Just because I still have a job, a house, a loving partner, and some money in a pile does not mean I am not a GAMBLING ADDICT! When I get started I cannot stop. I cannot ever win because I cannot stop. When I gamble nothing and noone else seems to matter. I do not have time for some poor soul who needs my support because I AM TOO BUSY GAMBLING. Someone on my little bus heard that I might not really be a gambling addict!!!! So, again and I am talking to myself -- I said, it gets complicated lol. I am a gambling addict. I just have not lost everything YET. It is a matter of time, location, or money money money.... It takes a moment. A nanosecond to go from happily racking up days to going right back to the beginning. It's not about guilt or shame. It's not a popularity contest. It is not a competitiion. It is about knowing what it means to be an addict. It is only a matter of time before I find myself in a position where I lost everything. I am an addict and there are times when I do not care and am willing to lose everything. That scares the hell out of me. So, I'm gonna pour another cup of joe and maybe write up a list of sh it to do on my off time. When I am involved in work I do not even think about gambling. When I have only enough cash to get by on I do not think about gambling. BUT, I cannot bury my head in the sand. I have to be able to think about gambling without DOING IT. People talk about booze all of the time and it does not send me running to the nearest bar or bottle of Jack. w*f??? So, I have my work cut out for me. Now I know something else about myself. Denial is HUGE. DONT EVEN NO I AM LYING. D.E.N.I.A.L. Busted!! Now back to work. -joanxxxxxxx

Hey Joan,

Coming across your posts quite few times, but just freeze because don't know how express myself in trying to put smthing down...

First, i agree with you, becouse obviously the main trigger is money...i hate money now believe me or not. There is always that chance close by, to go and f**k it - waste it.

Especially when on my 'bus' i only got one passenger - my worst enemy - myself, which will be the cause of lapse ( if i get one)

Anyway, going on a bit to the left here lol....

All i want to say to you - YOU KNOW EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR TRIGGERS, so just try and work with them. We all think about gambling now and again...f**k it it can stay as thoughts, no push to act on them.

You know what you doing and what to expect from yourself, you won't fall, you wont learn, it's not the race...we all on our own journeys dealing with our own demons.

So get up, dust yourself, chin up and stick one finger to that horrible disease.

You can do it YOU KNOW THAT AND I DO TOO..

Take care

Sandra x

Ps. Sorry for swear words...i'm mad with this disease too...

Joan.

I am glad your journey is still moving, that substitute driver of the bus, i think he was from the simpsons d**n near totalled it, through driving the wrong way up the highway playing chicken with the oncoming traffic will always cause damage but over revving the engine without any oil in it is the damage that worries me.

Cosmetics f**k the look to the outside world!!

Just work on the engine.

Take your foot off the gas.

There is only one thing to worry about.

Joan!!!

You will know when your done with gambling, i am not here to decide or judge.

I'm not a mechanic.

Me I'm just a passenger on that bus.

We all are.

You and P take care of one another, as i know she is to you what my Sarah is to me. The co pilot.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks Sandra and Duncs. Really appreciate your support!!!

I am still here and no urges to gamble. I had a great conversation with my mom today. We talked about alot of things and it reminded of me when I was a girl hanging out in the kitchen at our old house. Mom and I have been doing alot of hard work mending our relationship. I am grateful to have this time with her. I thank Blondie for her post today. A reminder to never take the people we love for granted. I too would give the world for just one more text from Ed... It would probably be a drunk text but, I would gladly take it. I miss him so much. I feel somewhat re energized. I think I needed to understand what set me off. Now that I know it Sandra is right -- I need to avoid it. Add it to my arsenal. I also appreciated what duncs said about giving up gambling when I am ready. Abstinence will come. I know it. When I quit smoking it took several attempts. I just never stopped trying and one day.. that was it. I was done with it. Will quitting gambling work the same way? I don't think so. Gambling is more like *** C*****e. The jonesing is physical and mental and once I get started it seems to take over my whole being until I crash. I imagine that I will always have to fight off urges. The key is to not start. I tricked myself into thinking I could and that was A LIE. Gambling addicts cannot gamble responsibly. I am fully aware that the casino I go to does not embrace the policy of abstinence and thinks that I can and should gamble responsibly and that the door will always be opened for me and that I will always be welcomed back to have fun at thier lovely establishment ... uh.. duh.. bluh... duh... uh.. buhh.. LOL! Today I am celebrating life and learning and imagining that lovely meadow and Duncs at peace in his own mind enjoying his own company! That's what I want and I am gonna do whatever it takes to get there. SERENITY NOW!! Hugs all around. I am back!!! -joanxxxxxxx

Hey Joan,

Welcome back so to speak. I have never ever doubted for one moment that you wouldn't keep fighting the good fight. My dad always used to say " if my auntie had balls she would be my uncle". Lol.....it is what it is, we can't change that, we can only move on and take with us the things that we know for sure.

When my brain goes off on the gambling thinking I say out loud sometimes STOP, Because I know as sure as blood runs through my veins that I can not gamble because I will not stop.

You will get there my friend.

Take care

Blondie xxx

Hey Joan

You're right there about avoidence ...that's what I mean about knowing my limitations .

There are some things I have to now limit my exposure to as it will wind me up..it's not so much what they do or say but my inability to control it or not let it affect me that I doubt...

Maybe at a time when I'm stronger things won't affect me as much but all it can take is a low ebb and defences down and the resentments can start kicking in..

As you know i have the personality of a dry drunk even though i dont drink much so it means I react to things very quickly as I have no way to dumb them down...Somedays it's hard to find the balance as I either over react or under react.

I am pleased to hear that you and your mum are bonding but still keep a boundary in place Joan....just for your protection.

I'm not sure if you are anything like me on this but sometimes if someone who can hurt me makes big moves to come towards me in understanding I relax my boundaries too fast ....only to be hurt all over again down the line.

I know you can look after yourself Joan and hope you take that in the spirit intended...don't want to see you hurt..but saying that do enjoy your time with your mum while you have her xxxx

R and D xx

Hi Joan, understand what you mean about avoidance being the key but the trouble is my devious alter ego always manages to bypass the lock. I would have made a good detective / bank robber as enjoy working out the plot/plan as much as the final act so just need this me to become even more devious that the other me.

Also spoke with my mother yesterday and ended in tears(something that never happens) as she was trying so hard to make things right for me, trouble is the only way she thinks she can do this is by sending money and we all know where that would go, she will never understand she is part of why things are not right foe me so I don't even go there anymore.

Am very over sensitive at the moment and several things on the forum upset me but have things back in perspective today and gain so much from everyone here so staying put for now.

Off on my travels on Friday so will be waving from France next week and making sure I don't waste my euros but for today standing on deck next to the hugest marrow I have ever grown and waving.

xxx

Morning Joan

Can see so much fight in ur posts and that inspires me greatly , I take my hat off to those who av abstained for a lengthy time and av that better life with gambling no longer playing a part in it I honestly couldn't be happier for them and it shows it can be done but I take my hat off more to urself for showing such fighting qualities and not giving up I think thats something we av both shown on our incredibly tough journeys

Inspired greatly as always

Castle2

Thanks for the support -- this site is amazing!

Good Morning Diary:

This is Day 1

I promised myself that I would get back to writing every day again even if just one line. Mindfulness. My recovery is like a garden:

"Inch by inch, row by row.

Gonna make this garden grow.

Gonna mulch it deep and low til the rain comes tumblin down.

Old crow watchin from his tree;

he's got his hungry eyes on me but, in my garden I'm as free as that feathered thief up there."

Have a great day everyone. No to gambling today. "I havent got time for the pain"

joanxxxxx

Hey Joan,

Thank you for your support on my diary. It is most appreciated. You really made me smile now, i love to read upbeat posts...may long they come!

smash those urges and this discusting disease, there is no time left for the pain! Love this line 🙂 You go girl, you can do it!

Take care:-) and keep posting

Sandra x

Thanks Sandra!

Afternoon Diary:

I'm learning. I sort of just observed myself today. No judgement. And, what I found was that when I am idle I start to get anxious. When my anxiety level rises I look for ways to trance out. So, instead, I found little things to occupy my time with. I am not bored. It's not like that at all. I don't get bored easily but, I get stuck easily. I get stuck on idle. I get fearful during transition ANY transition. I'm stuck on fight or flight mode so, I sit very very still. It's as if I am on permanent century duty. HALT who goes there!! Probably doesnt make sense to most but, it does to me. But, like I said I found simple tasks to do. Not full blown house work. But, for example, I made a meatloaf just now and it was great. No heavy thoughts just me and that meatloaf from the beginning until the point of popping into the oven. It's about the anxiety for me. I am once again thinking that maybe an antidepressant might just be the thing for awhile. I am not at all into chemical substances but, my anxiety levels I believe are dangerously high. Will taking a medication keep me from gambling? LOL. nope. But, maybe enable me to experience enough calm to perhaps read a book????? That's the level of anxiety I am talking about. I am too distracted to even read!! I am very anxious when I am alone and especially in "play mode". I don't need to go into the filthy details but "creepy things" used to happen behind my back when I was a child playing. I know because I caught glimpses of IT sitting there in his chair.. I often worry when I write this stuff that some folks might think I am nuts. Anyway, mom and I have an appointment with our family doc. When she gets a load of how I have ballooned over the last 6 months I am sure she would be willing to prescribe. I guess I am feeling a little desperate... Okay, now maybe I will try to sit with the book I just took out of the library. It's a Stephen King novel. As freaked out as I am I love horror, true crime etc. I am comfortable with it I guess. lol. There goes the nut again.. oh well signing off for now. No thoughts about gambling. -joanxxxx

hey Joan

I also worry If I am not distracted...I guess my internal state is agitation...it's there all the time , I sometimes chew the insides of my cheeks so much that there are chunks missing ! Lol

My anxiety is always at about an 8..and the ceiling of the room is 10..I can't remember or more truthfully I don't know what a waking relaxed state feels like ..not really and I notice I grind my teeth whilst typing ..lol

I also know what you mean about reading...it's taken 2 yrs for me to start reading again and I can just about watch a film the whole way through but not a new film..one that I've seen many times.

I havent the concentration to see anything new and can cope with sitcom length tv like Frasier or Larry David or something....lol...

You're not alone Joan ..hey! That rhymes ..! ..but at least we recognise it in ourselves. My adult child stuff is the core of it and not feeling safe in my own skin,

R and D xxx

..hey Joan..you got my share in the womanly bits department ...

Package some of your ample bosom up and post it over to me...my junior ones could do with some company.

Think we might get banned with this post..lol lol lol xxx

Ok Diary:

Just got home from a long day training staff. I'm exhausted but, promised myself that I would log on... do some reading and write at least a line every day. So here it is. I trained. I came home. I ate meatloaf. Will watch Deadliest Catch and then go to bed. lol! No thoughts of gambling at all. -joanxxxxx

hiya Babes....tee hee

lol ...go on I dare ya ..the more off colour the better !! See what a bad influence I am??

Anyhooo Joan ...absolutely fab post there and I think my slight dyslexia kicked in . ..I was going to say I had no idea you were a rock chick in to japanese delicacies as I read :

" I ate the deadliest catch and watched Meatloaf! " ...

What what whaaaaat??

now I can't stop humming "Paradise by the dashboard Light " ...tee hee xx

R and D ..high in coffee! Xxx