Angel From Montgomery

Hey Joan

reading your thoughts there and understanding your frustration as your feelings over your Mum are exactly the same as a very close female friend of mine who is also a codep.

She is now 57 but reading your words there they could have been my friends words who was forced into a parental role because her mum did not assume that role and give them protection as kids...when she looks back now the horror at how unprotected the whole family was was shocking, including the worst things that could ever in a family that her mum turned a blind eye to.

The thing is today Joan ..you did remember the life of your brother as you have a heart and soul and are human. It is true we all deal with grief differently and yours is totally natural today...

I know too that everything is going to be alright..you have protection now and you have lots of people who care for you and recognise your feelings ...it think that's what it's about really ..it's not so much that we want people to change its more that we want them to recognise us and validate our reality .

With something so human as the death of a close other, it must have been such a sad day as you could not share that with the person who you thought would "get it" ..and perhaps bring you closer again.

I'm glad you wrote your feelings today and shared them on here ....they are important .

R and D xxx

Hey Joan

reading your thoughts there and understanding your frustration as your feelings over your Mum are exactly the same as a very close female friend of mine who is also a codep.

She is now 57 but reading your words there they could have been my friends words who was forced into a parental role because her mum did not assume that role and give them protection as kids...when she looks back now the horror at how unprotected the whole family was was shocking, including the worst things that could ever in a family that her mum turned a blind eye to as its like the mother is the child and the kids parents before their time .

The thing is today Joan ..you did remember the life of your brother as you have a heart and soul and are human. It is true we all deal with grief differently and yours is totally natural today...

I know too that everything is going to be alright..you have protection now and you have lots of people who care for you and recognise your feelings ...it think that's what it's about really ..it's not so much that we want people to change its more that we want them to recognise us and validate our reality .

With something so human as the death of a close other, it must have been such a sad day as you could not share that with the person who you thought would "get it" ..and perhaps bring you closer again.

I'm glad you wrote your feelings today and shared them on here ....they are important .

My friend is sometimes is unreachable because of the hurt that is still there, in many ways its like being friends with someone who is carrying the sadness of an unrequited love..

Nothing I do as a friend can make up for it as what i try and do is look after her but she is searching for a love that she cannot get from her mum and my codep stuff can also come out here in the form of trying to make her happy and then not feeling good enough. I also get so mad at her mother but deep down I know the woman is not going to change so like you, my friend carries all the emotion of the family and does all the grief work....

In many ways I think she will feel better as there will be closure when her mum is no longer there as I think it's probably worse not getting the love you need with a parent who is still alive than one that has passed.

Sorry for rambling Joan but I just wanted you to know that you were not alone and I think you and my friend would have a lot to talk about...

Hope that makes sense xx

R and D xxx

Thanks for listening Rach.

Not as bad as yesterday. Am up to a crawl. No thoughts about gambling. Like I have said maybe a hundred times now; gambling urges come with paydays and the weekend. I save it all up and then use gambling as an excuse to offload. I don't know. That's what it feels like today but, in truth I have a million reasons -- no excuses of course.. Any gambling addict that thinks that gambling is still fun and something to grieve over to ME is like someone who was beaten to a pulp by their so called lover, set on fire, and then pushed out of the apartment window. And then, with their dying breath while lying broken, bleeding, and smoldering in the gutter asks " but, you still love me right?" lol... Outside of that not much else to say today. I have no intention of gambling and am still looking forward to our first meeting in a couple of weeks. What I have heard is they are attended mostly by men. We shall see. I apologize for the lack of energy and interest in writing on other diaries at the moment. I am reading but, feel if I get all fired up I will just fall back down so am laying low until I get my strength back. Huge high fives and cheers to all of you out there who with problems and trials of your own still manage to provide support to others. I wish I could be more like you. I'm still laying somewhere between step one and step three..er, maybe four, I don't know. -joaxxxxx

Joan ...

I need to write this to tell you how grateful I am to you for helping me so much in my own recovery..

It is through your honesty of emotions that I have been able to build some sort of bridge between my own hurt and other people's hurt.

By reading your posts and seeing your triggers and emotional vulnerabilities it has helped me greatly to understand those immortal words in 12 step .." There by the grace of god go I " because I could so very easily be posting on the other side of the forum! ..I still may end up in AA /GA who knows? maybe not GA as I am rubbish with maths and numbers ..and number dyslexic I think.

I am further along the road of even thinking about forgiveness because of the posts you and others make .

In 12 step they say ...stop it ..think later...for me I have to get it to let it go.

My fear is if I find forgiveness it will unlock all of the love aswell and I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with that...as I know if I made ammends it would be dealt with coldly or flippantly and I would suffer further rejection as the person whom I loved is still in denial and I doubt will ever change ...

I know it's all about releasing ourselves in making ammends but when someone still has a power over you or unfinished business with no resolution because THEY are limited and not capable then it's a very hard to put yourself back in that vulnerable place and risk being misunderstood and rejected all over again.

I guess this is where the " but not cause harm or injury " comes in because I think for the likes of us not the other person..

The harm and injury of being rejected or not understood may be detrimental to us and set us back...

I hope you understand

R and D ..still in the trenches xx

Hey Rach, if I did or said anything that helped you lighten your burden a bit, then I am beyond delighted for you. I cannot take any credit though. And, as for forgiveness? To be honest, I am not sure I am full in on that one either... I often wonder if there is a place in my mind where I can go so as to no longer be offended by anything or anyone. There would be noone and nothing to forgive if I could just learn to not care. I don't mean that in a bad way.. or an arrogant way.. like rising above but not in a snobby way.. lol.. I mean someone slaps me in the face.. my impulse is to bit ch slap them right back. Do I forgive them? no. Do I turn the other cheek? no. What if that slap in the face does not have the effect they were hoping it would? And, what if I just walked away? I may have gotten too much sun this afternoon. I was in the yard pulling weeds all day.... joanxxxx

Hi Joan

2 great posts there that show to me what this site is all bout helping and supporting each other, for me this is priceless to everyone something money can't buy and can only help each other in ur own personal recovery

Castle2

Joan

glad to see you face your worst and come through it with an attitude that will serve you well in the future, I do totally understand your writings regarding the rewarding our addiction, it used to take my happiness in the same regard as my sorrow to gift me a million reasons to gift myself a punt, funny because after it had robbed my soul of some more dignity it would creap back of into the shaddows and let me deal with the wounds, no sooner to return to pick at the scab, that's the key for me, addiction never lets us heal, it never wants to leave just a scar, it want's an open wound, something to dig away at.

I am glad the forum is serving as an antiseptic to those cuts and I do hope you use the 12 step meetings as another medicine, as I do believe in you, you will heal those wounds, yes the scars will be there, I share plenty but the addiction can't feed upon them.

Just for today, be kind to yourself and P will benefit too.

keep on keeping on

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks Rach, Castle and Duncs...

Diary: I'm feeling agitated. The urge to gamble is strong. I won't do it. I have made up my mind but, my guess is I will be stuffing my face all night. son of a bi t ch!!! I hate feeling this way. I feel like a weak chump. Our little niece will not be coming tomorrow so, we will be attending our first GA meeting tomorrow. I wish there was one tonight!! -joanxxxxxx

Diary: Looks like I/we made it thru some pretty bad urges. Today I feel better for it. Stronger for it. I know that the more time and space I put between our last stint the better and stronger I/we will feel. It has been 5 days now. The weekends are the toughest. I am once again resolved to stop. Getting better at identifying triggers and learning to avoid them altogether. The family I have today, is the family I choose. I must learn to live without my past because going there only makes me stall. When I am stuck on idle, I get sick and sad. When I am sick and sad my attachment to gambling gets stronger. Forward is the only way out of this now. -joanxxxxxx

Hey Judy,

I hope you having a safe weekend. As you said you know your triggers and i believe you are strong enough to make the right choice. Urges comes and goes, but you are well aware it's not gonna help us if we act on them.

I believe in you

Hope you ok and enjoying your weekend

Take care

Sandra x

Hi Joan,

Just popping in2 say I hope u r ok and staying strong 🙂

I am thinking of u xx

Joan.......

Thank you for your post on my hardest time...it's most appreciated,

You know how i feel about my life and coming to terms with it...no words needed...we understand each other..

I'm very proud of you, i will follow your journey, we unite together, we can beat it forever...we will do it...it's us...Girl power lol 🙂

Take care,

Sandra x

Afternoon Diary:

I'm thinking that while some folks crave exitement others like myself long desparately for some peace and quiet. Some of us see these diaries as safe spaces to write whatever thoughts come to mind -- the good the bad and the ugly while others might take a more utilitarian view. There is a song out there called 2AM I believe or maybe Breathe -- Anyway, there is a line in that song that goes something like

"and I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd,

cause these words on my diary are screaming out loud --

And, I know that you will use them however you want to..."

Most if not all of us are doing some difficult work on here and in meeting rooms. Having someone trivialize that work whether on purpose or by accident by callling it rambling or chit chat must realize that it may have hit a raw nerve for some and should make an effort to be more careful. Some folks are more sensitive than others. Personally, I think opinions are like a**e holes. Everyone thinks everyone else's stinks.. Like I said, I can live happily without debate and discord. I am one of those who desparately needs some serenity -- So, for me posts about life without gambling and how it gifts us beyond a g/d bonus gives me hope. I want what those folks have and I am willing to do the work to get it.. I also miss the chats we used to have on here about the middle lane.. Take a second here to give a shout out to my friend Shiny -- who is going thru some really tough times about now. Hang in there girl. Well, I suppose you could say I am rambling. But, I aint gambling! lol. I guess that's my two cents worth. -joanxxxxxxx

Hey Joan,

This one is just for you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xYGuheq1TM

Keep climbing that hill, Sending you some walking shoes, a stick, and lots of support to reach it. I know you will.

take care

blondie xxxx

YEEEEEEEEEHAH!!!

-joanxxx 😀