Angel From Montgomery

Thanks to you all for looking in on me. Your support really helps to keep me strong.

G'morning Diary, Day 35:

Had a great day at the lake with may pals. Had a very long day yesterday. Started at 4:00AM -- had to drive over to Hubbardston Flee Market to sell off a bunch of junk. Made 160 bucks but, it was a long day. Good thing we got a table in the shade. Came home and treated ourselves to a steak dinner! My partner is off all of this week. We are making the house ready to receive my 78 year old mom who will be living with us from now on starting on September 4th. Things have not always been perfect between me and mom over the years but, I have always been able to be honest with her and she with me. This arrangement is not going to be easy but, the timing is right. The year before last I went down to part time. I left my job as a nurse adminstrator and am only teaching classes now, every other week. I have more time for taking care of P, the pets, the house, and now, I guess mom. It's do-able where as before with both of us working outside of the home things would get crazy around here. We used the fast pace and stress of our jobs as an excuse to gamble all weekend. 10 years of that, and as a result the house is a mess and so our the finances. We were very lucky not to lose everything. I thank God every day for this opportunity to rebuild. That's why when I get strong urges to gamble I want to just scream!!! Why would I want to sabatoge myself like that. We tell ourselves that it is an opportunity to get ahead but it is a huge lie. There is sooo much emphasis today on lotteries. Folks like us living from pay check to pay check thinking that by spending 100 bucks that we dont have that we could be the one person out of millions catapulted into wealth. It's really prettty f***** up when you think about it. The truth lies in the moment to moment day to day choices that we make. I'm going to sit here for awhile and listen to P and my two corgis breathe as they lie sleeping. I'm going to read some diaries and post on my own. I'm gonna make another cup of coffee and sit in the yard. I'm gonna listen to the birds and the sound of the occasional car passing by. I might wonder where they are off to. I'm gonna live in the here and now. Today, I am making the choice to not gamble. To anyone reading my diary have a great day and stay strong. We can do this together one day at a time. -joan

Hi in Joan,

Once again I am transported back in time and am picturing you on your porch....Joan you really do have a special talent with words....Have you thought about writing....extra income?

How good you are to have your mum come and live with you!

You really are doing so well.......Picture a little womble jumping upand punching the air!

Enjoy those gorgeous autum colours when they come out......few years ago I did niagra in the fall, colours were amazing!

Hugs my friend........By the way we spell colour the correct way....LOL...LOL!

Sue xxxx

LOL, Sue, I can see that little womble.. lol.. thanks pal. I needed to laugh.

Well, diary... just taking a break from all of this insanity. No matter what we do the house still looks like a bomb hit it.. Deep down I am worried about what my mom might think.. She knows that I am a recovering alcoholic and now recovering cg as well.. No secrets there.. It's just that my brother's home is sooo much nicer than mine and I am feeling a bit sorry for myself at the moment. If this were an AA meeting someone from across the room would probably be shouting "get off the pity pot" or, "get off the cross Mary, we need the wood"... lol.. I went to some pretty hard core meetings back in the day.. lol. It's true though. It all goes back to the guilt and shame over throwing hard earned money down the drain instead of taking care of our property. Still, I have so much to be grateful for -- and I trully am. Oh well, time to tend to the hounds and then back to cleaning...

Hiya Joan....

I too think you would be a great writer...you may want to look to look at that someday...creative writing courses packed in somewhere in your busy week.... : )

It is so true about the small things ....right now I am 2 days into moving in with my pals who live in a very thrifty way ...I am learning to enjoy wholesome,simple and rustic which was always my plan at my w house but I spent too long away from it with work commitments....

Corgis eh?...a real talking point there should you ever meet the Queen?..lol..funnily enough I haven't seen a Corgi for years....however I did say that about Basset hounds and then saw 3 in a week.!

Dotty is a tri colour jack russell and a little minx but she has such a cute face and is an angel.

I know what they say about the pity pot and all that but sometimes I think it is good to feel stuff just so long as we don't wallow in it...don't forget Joan its all part of the cycle of healing and the death of the "old you" ....and like any death even though you have so much good life and great times to be lived it involves a bit of grieving and sadness that may look like self pity from the outside..

your peeling more layers off the onion ...sometimes those onions make us cry and bit...xxxx...don't be too hard on yourself..

hugs from across the pond xx

R and D ..wuffs xxxx

Hi Joan, what a wonderful writer you are. I also closed my eyes and pictured your lovely home setting, oh the joys 🙂

I just wanted to say a huge thank you to you for your post on my diary, I will never forget the moment I read the words that you were reaching out your hand to me... I could 'see' it in my minds eye, and boy did I need it. Thank you my friend.Ive made my first week milestone, no intentions of stepping back into the black hole that I have managed to surface from, I'll always remember your words, thank you so much.

Hope all is good in your world today, stay strong, take care

Cameron

Thank-you ((((((((Sue, Rach, and Cameron))))))- group hug!

G'morning Diary, Day 36:

It is not yet daylight here in the States but, I will be off to work in an hour or two. Not a single urge to gamble but, I must admit that I just rolled out of bed and my blood is barely pumping. I am pretty certain that I have mentioned before that transitioning into the work week is much easier now that weekends are less chaotic. I actually earned money this weekend! When I was in the throes of gambling I used to start off my work week filled with dread. I'ts so funny some days I am so "in it" that I feel as if I could suffocate while other days like today, I feel as if I am standing on a mountain top. Same lousy drive on route 9. Same little windowless training room and yet, I am looking forward to class. Thinking about how I will present the introductions to this new group of students whoever they might be... Today, I am not as obsessed with my appearance. I have every intention of showing up looking presentable but, I am not as self concious. Maybe that is because for once I am not trying to hide something. In AA we used to say that we are as sick as our secrets. I believe that is true. Today, I can speak to mindfulness, and right thinking without feeling like a fraud. Yes, my hair is graying, and I have many new lines on my face but, I feel comfortable in this ol' skin. I'm not perfect but, as they say; it is progress that we seek in recovery, not perfection. To anyone reading my diary, have a wonderful gamble free day. Stay strong! joan

Judy.

Now that is for me a Wow post, well done you, the gamble free life is for sure making you something just for today to be extremely proud of.

I doff my cap to you.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

INSPIRED thankyou.

Hi Judy,

That was a gr8 post 2 read, well done on 36 days gamble free. U r doing gr8 🙂

Ur determination shines thru!

Have a gr8 day x

Hiya Joan..

Sometimes it needs numbers to actually see what a person has achieved and looking there at 36 days ....I am blown away at how much work you have done in such a small space of time!

WOW...

If anyone had said how long has Joan been on the site I would have said...around 3 months or so!!!...(without looking at the number of days).

It just shows what can be done in such a small timespan....lifetimes lived many times over...

Also joining in the "doffing of hats" to say..go girl...you did good....you are good..and you will continue to do good.....

onwards and upwards Joan

R and D xxxx

ps..Am also a Trainer but in Natural Health Sector in the UK....Anaheim Trade show in Calafornia every year! ...lentils and sandals no more! xx

DOH!...hopped on to your diary before my own when i logged on....didn't see your post til now...

doggy chat to follow...lol...sounds like you have a real houseful there..there is a site which i wont mention as you will be in tears and having to buy huge amount of land.....but its dogs that have ben mistreated needing rehoming.....

My pals have banned me from it as i start getting all watery eyed..

R and D xxx.

Thanks Duncs, Charlotte, and Rach!

G'morning Diary, Day 37:

I've been reading diaries and folks have been commenting about how the diaries have helped them to stay strong and focused. I happen to agree whole heartedly on that one. My best time of the day is the morning when I just get up. For me it is important to devote my best time to what is most important to me. Today, the most important thing to me is this recovery process. Getting up in the morning. Getting a freshly brewed cup of coffee.. sitting down at the computer and logging onto the diaries for just one hour each day has done wonders for my spirit. I don't always feel like writing and I don't always have much to say but, just doing it .. even if it feels like I am just going through the motions is for me meditative and grounding. No urges yet, today. I am here and I am calm. One more cup of coffee and I might end up in orbit but, that is something else.. 🙂 To anyone reading my diary have a great day. Stay strong! joan

Hi Joan,

Don't worry about day to day on your diary...I have found some days.......Can talk for England (very British saying...lol) other days can't string two words together...Go with the flow hun!

As for X factor....just think Simon Cowell!

Still lovin' your awesome diary my friend!

Sue xxxxx

hi joan

carl

hiya Joan....

Your cultivating a healing habit and a healthy routine to set you up for the day and keep you focussed...

I think thats great...

The diaries work differently for everyone...I love giving support but i also love to download the contents of my mind too..somedays I have good days and some truly not so good days...the whole lot used to get logged...good bad and ugly as I used my diary selfishly.

Dont worry if somedays you have nothing to say.....just nice somedays to read and log off....main thing is you keep connected Joan....

hugs and doggy paw hugs .....

R and D xxx

ps...we have had piccies of the doggies ...Blondie posted one of her woody and I have been trying to post one of dotty but no idea how to on ipad.xxx

Hugs to you all Sue, Carl, and Rach!

G'morning Diary, Day 38:

In the recent past Thursdays would mark the beginning of our weekend and the most difficult time for me in terms of urges. I must say that as the weeks go by Thursdays are feeling more like what Thursdays used to feel like. Em.. the day before Friday. :)Today is the last day of class. Always a happy and hectic one for both me and the students. Today, they will test out and some of them will move on to certification testing while others will stay back for a little extra study and re-testing. I am looking forward to tomorrow. Tomorrow is payday Friday and I still have money in my account from last payday!! I am beginning to understand a little bit more about my past relationship with money. Not so healthy. I am beginning to realize now, why it was so easy for me to throw it away. I used to be proud of the fact that I could be detached from money and material things. All my life I have struggled with self worth or I should say the lack of it. It does not surprise me then, that I did not feel worthy of my pay. Letting go of things that I loved and throwing money down the hopper was more of a smoke screen for my low self esteem. Today I am learning that I have worth. I can appreciate the value of my hard earned money now. It seems like it is always the same old storyline that gets me into these messes. My name is joan and I am a recovering gambling addict and alcoholic. Today, I will not drink or gamble. As Duncs always says, today I step forward, not back. To anyone reading my diary, have a wonderful gamble free day. joan