Another Go

Hi , Thanks Mod/Bal,

Your support means so much at this difficult time. It's over for my sister, no more pain. Xmas day started with a phone call saying in the last 24 hours nothing has changed & nothing was going to. Difficult time, difficult decision but over for all of us now & most importantly the pain's over for my kid sister.

2 brothers, 3 sisters , most who'd given up on me a long time ago. Some of them quite rightly described me as waster, b*m, gambler, born trouble etc. Who's been taken from me ?, Well whenever others described me this way there was 1 little sister who'd make a comment like " He ain't perfect but he never forgets my birthday or Xmas, whenever I have a hospital appointment he's always there to give me a lift. He's always been there for me. " There's a lot of good in Alan".

To be honest , not the brightest star in the planet, but kind giving lass who's kindness was abused often & she was taken advantage of by bums & abusive partners. She just seemed to have a knack of picking wrong ones. However at the height of my addiction whilst in denial I'd frequently to be told to get out & never to come back. I'd pack toiletries, clean clothes & head for my kid sisters .It wouldn't be unusual to pull outside her door at 3 am & not ask, but tell her I needed a place to stay for the night. No questions asked, I knew I was welcome.

I've lost not just a little sister  but a mate. I've lost someone who's door was always open irrespective of what I'd done  & unconditionally, someone who, whenever others wrote me off had a kind word for me. Someone who always looked ( & often found ) something good in folk. A kind unassuming gentle girl who always had time for others. How I react during this difficult time is up to me. Space & time to think needed.

Stay Strong All

AL

Slowlearner please give yourself the same level of time and kindest that you give to so many here on the Forum.  Remembering to take it One Day At A Time.

We are all here for you too.

Amanda

Forum Admin

Oh Al I'm so saddened to read your posts. My condolences to you. I'm.sorry your going through this. This sad time will try and push u back to gambling but your stronger than that, someone I truly look up to. You've been so supportive to me, id like to return it, my diary is open for you, if you need to talk, or just want to rant, please do.

Take care Al

?

So sorry to hear that Slow, i really am. 

She got to see you being over 4 years gamble free, and a man who helps so many others and people here look up to. Believe me it radiates from you how good a man you have become,and no doubt she will have seen tnat in you.

Sincere condolences, but no more pain.

If your sister was half the person you have become then we have lost a good one.

Look after yourself.

Hi all,

On the edge but not quite pushed over the edge. I reckon due to kindness shown on here, so massive thanks. Tomorrow will be easier, her twin asked me to become active in funeral arrangements, & also to start clearing her home out,  Bag full of presents to deliver to a daughter not worthy of a mum like her, but fully aware I'm not worthy of a sister like her. Don't know what germs I've caught from the hospital but feeling dreadful physically ( not mentally ), time to MAN UP & play my part. Maybe an opportunity to show the Gambler & Waster has entered a new phase. I'm thankful I didn't take the easy option today.

Best Wishes & Sincere Gratitude For All Your Support

AL

Morning Al,

Continue staying strong and making the right decisions. You recent posts have been raw and emotional but you are still fighting. Sir I salute you.

Best

Hi,

Thanks, Bal, Lids, Stace for your support it means a lot. So only 2 siblings live in my area & couldn't let my late sisters twin do it all on her own. Helped out with clearing out her home, then yesterday 3.30pm appointment with registrar. 1 hour & 45 minutes being told my call is in a queue, but managed to tell relevant Gov departments to stop paying her as she's deceased. Funeral date arranged for 16th January. Of course I'm sad, yet a feeling of pride, for once I didn't take the easy option & retreat into my old ways. Mind you I thought about it, but letting down someone who could always say something kind about me just didn't sit right with me. As many others on here have said Actions Speak Louder Than Words. Perhaps some closure on the horizon, but a stark reminder I can never be complacent. Her life perhaps provided me with understanding the relevance of mine & how to treasure it.

Best Wishes

AL

Hello Diary,

Not the end of 2022 I expected, but maybe a time to take stock. A loved one gone & a new arrival due in 
April. Team blue again, 8th grandson but hopefully a happy & healthy boy with a bright future. The number of my family who know nothing of my addiction are beginning to outnumber those who have suffered because of it.

I can't change the past, but strangely feel empowered by continuing to resist the urges & actually lead by example to the growing new generation. Will I rise to the challenge ?. who knows but tomorrow I'll tell myself " Just For Today I Won't Gamble ". The message is simple, just be the best you can be " One Day At A Time "

No gambling, no urges, no lies to tell & nothing to hide. The woman I love has every password of mine, banking, email account. No illusions about regaining trust, accountability is everything for me. The ability to look someone in the eye is so much sweeter than looking at the runners & riders in a 20 runner handicap on whatever race course, then trying to hide the losses. I try not to dwell on what I've lost & I'm thankful for what I still have. Life is so much better than the first day I turned up here.

Best Wishes

AL

Another day over diary. My wife went to North Yorkshire to visit an old school friend today & left 11 am. Took a shower & had a bite to eat, Before I knew it time for early match 12.30 kick off. Wow home alone, laptop on charge, betting shops open. Can't describe it but something spooked me today, what was once bliss for me scared me. 

It was freezing today but went to a park anyway, sat on a park bench for 10 minutes breathed in the fresh air then walked a little bit. Even now for no apparent reason this sickness in me raises its ugly head. Before I knew it 1 hour had gone. Called in Sainsbury's, guess what I bought ?. Nothing at all, looked at food, looked at menswear even called in the petrol station to check tyre pressures.

I see 2 pictures, 1 of a sad old man & 1 of man still fighting, who's grown to understand & respect the power of addiction. Whatever category i fit into I got home, the urges had past & just for today I didn't gamble. For those who have abstained for longer than I have, many of whom supported me in the early days & warned me again & again about the dangers of complacency a massive Thanks. I get it.

Best Wishes

AL

Hello there my friend!

You did manage mighty well yesterday  so my hat off to you! Now just listen to this not so wise old owl lol..urges strikes us unexpectedly,  we are never fully out of the woods. You have learned a lot on this journey and applying your knowledge faultlessly. 

When urges strikes, they tend to linger around for a few days...at least for me, so keep your vigilance on high alert, occupy yourself with good things.

You got this my friend,  keep winning at life ❤ xx

Wow,

I feel safer already you can't beat experience when the chips are down. Thank you so much old friend. I got another lift tonight when another early days guiding light showed up on the chat who I've missed. I feel better, I feel strength, & I feel guided by wisdom. 

Best Wishes 

AL